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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How reliant are you on your partner?

134 replies

purplelass · 29/10/2018 11:23

Another thread has got me thinking - how much do you rely on your partner and how much reliance on another person is OK?

I'd shared a home with my ExH for 23 years so suddenly being a single mum to a teenager was a bit of a shock! However, it turned out that I am as strong, clever, stubborn and brave as I need to be. I very rarely need to ask my now DP for help with anything, which may be partly to do with the fact we don't live together, but I really enjoy my independence and love the sense of achievement I get from doing things for myself!

I'm concerned when women post on here that they are so reliant on their DP / DH for anything - you never know what's around the corner and having been there, done that, I do believe that independence is so important, even in a loving mutually supportive relationship.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/10/2018 11:49

I’m long term single and that won’t change.

I can and do everything on your list, my dad helps with genuine two person jobs!

JacquesHammer · 29/10/2018 11:49

Oh and I was seriously arachnophobic and have taught myself to deal with spiders Smile

SoyDora · 29/10/2018 11:51

I mean more the little things, like changing a light bulb / putting the bins out / mowing the lawn / fixing the car or even putting petrol in / leaving the house when it's dark

Bar fixing the car I can (and do) do all those things anyway (DH can’t fix the car either, we pay a mechanic). Why wouldn’t I? The main thing I’d miss DH for in terms of household jobs is the cooking (he does 90% of it).

MaryCraven · 29/10/2018 11:52

Haha, when I moved in with the now ex husband, I was the one with the tool box! I’ve now been single for 4.5 years and I do pretty much everything but as I did it for the ten years that I was with him nothing has really changed!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/10/2018 11:54

Emotionally, codependent

Financially too, but capable of being independent

All those jobs? We each do whichever of them we fancy and can both do any/all of them.

Spiders, well I am getting better Smile

donkeysandzebras · 29/10/2018 11:55

We're completely independent of each other. Yes, we have fallen into a pattern of doing particular tasks around the house but that is for convenience or from preference rather than because the other can't do it. It certainly doesn't follow the pattern of what are viewed as "girl's jobs" and "boy's jobs). I like the feeling it gives me as it means we're both continuing in the relationship through choice. Sometimes I wonder if we are perhaps a bit too independent of each other but I would much rather that than feeling smothered.

bellsbuss · 29/10/2018 11:57

I'm a SAHM but we have joint savings, on the mortgage and there is about 400k equity in our home. I also have my own savings account, I do all the paperwork for my partners business before it goes to the accountant and I'm down as a director so know exactly what is going on there. Financially I would be fine and could go back to work in a office based role. I do all aspects of the running of our home so that wouldn't change, would just miss him doing the garden and taking out the bins.

Thistle86 · 29/10/2018 11:57

@stegosauruslady ha ha brilliant, it’s one of the few reasons to keep them around.Grin

I am very independent but DH comes in handy for spider extraction. I used to live on my own for 3 years though so I’m sure I could manage if I needed to.

SushiMonster · 29/10/2018 11:57

Not at all dependent.

I have my own house, car, money, holidays life and activities.

Probably a bit too separate TBH. Always have been with men. Can’t stand the thought of being dependent on one, which makes me push them away a bit.

OvOntToSuckYourBlood · 29/10/2018 11:57

Pretty dependent.

I’m disabled and unable to drive and he can. If he wasn’t here I’d be stuck in my house a LOT. Public transport really isn’t much of an option.

But I’d manage if he wasn’t around. I don’t worry that I couldn’t go it alone, I know I could. I’m very practical so can do stuff and what I physically can’t do I can work out the best way to get it done anyway.

queenofgoogle · 29/10/2018 11:58

I think I do depend on dp a lot, he takes the bins out, drives us everywhere, diy. However I can also easily do these things on my own, I have a car and drive the DC everywhere too, I've done lots of DIY however I'm not great at it. I also do all the life admin like drs dentists appointments but he sorts the bills. I do 90 percent of the housework because I only work very few hours a week.
I think it's more that's we've split the jobs and stuck to our own but each could do it without the other.

SushiMonster · 29/10/2018 11:59

I mean more the little things, like changing a light bulb / putting the bins out / mowing the lawn / fixing the car or even putting petrol in / leaving the house when it's dark

I’m going to admit I find women(or anyone) who are depend on men for things such as this, quite pathetic.

Leaving the house when it’s dark? You need a man?

Changing a fucking lightbulb? Putting petrol in the car? Jesus wept.

SoyDora · 29/10/2018 12:01

My auntie had never used a cash point until my uncle died. I had to take her and teach her how to do it. Can’t imagine living like that!

WeirdCatLady · 29/10/2018 12:01

Dh and I are dependant on each other. We are a team, and we work well like that. We would both be able to function and enjoy life if alone but we don’t feel the need to cosntantly demonstrate that. There’s nothing wrong with one person doing all the diy and another all the cooking, if that’s what works for your partnership.

For example, I am perfectly capable of mowing the lawn but don’t, because he does. He would be perfectly capable of doing the ironing, but he doesn’t, because I do.

Surely this is how partnerships work? Why do you think reliance on your life partner is a bad thing?

SoyDora · 29/10/2018 12:03

We would both be able to function and enjoy life if alone but we don’t feel the need to cosntantly demonstrate that

Who has said they feel the need to constantly demonstrate it?

LemonTT · 29/10/2018 12:04

Spiders are my job but he does the mices

We are souldmates who are totally independent financially and to be honest I prefer to do a lot of outsourcing on household jobs so we have quality time together. He doesn’t but I get quality time on my own whilst he goes into battle with blocked gutters. He’s probably more prone to mental overload but that’s of his own making.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 29/10/2018 12:05

I would consider myself to be very independent, I can do most car stuff (and do actually), I look after the garden and do more DIY (I enjoy it, he doesn't), he does the bins, but that's because I don't want to! We both cook/clean/look after DS/clean out the animals etc. I mostly manage the finances, because I love spreadsheets, but I don't want to be without him.

I made him get the slow cooker down off the side yesterday, not because I couldn't get a chair and get it myself, but because it was easier for him to do it (he's taller). I asked him to carry the washing up the stairs because it was heavy, I could have done it, but it would be more effort and I'm pregnant. It was easier to ask him. That's not being dependant on him, it's helping each other out, playing to our strengths.

BangingOn · 29/10/2018 12:05

We share the workload in the house and we share child care. I couldn’t do the job I do (hours and travel) without him.

DramaAlpaca · 29/10/2018 12:05

What SushiMonster said ^^

Ellisandra · 29/10/2018 12:06

So, now you can do most things without asking your new boyfriend, who you don’t even live with. So you’re still asking him to do some things, whilst telling us we all need YouTube and a toolbox? OK.

I’m not sure that changing your own light bulbs when you get dumped is a sign of strong, brave women. Perhaps if we can stop seeing putting the bins out as a triumph of independence and just something easy, perhaps the women that you read posting on here and are concerned about (I haven’t seen these posts?) won’t find it so hard to attempt them?

Financial and emotional independence are far more important than being able to put a shelf up.

I’d hazard a guess that women who struggle to leave a bad relationship have far more going on that just the worry that they might have to put fuel in their own car.

BooEekCackle · 29/10/2018 12:07

I think I am more dependent on my DH than he is on me. I would easily survive financially and practically if he was not around but I would struggle emotionally. In the 25 years I have known him he has been a very steady ship who has proven many times that he has my back. I am very lucky. I think I would find it very hard without him. Even when he goes away for a night I get really lonely. I am not like this with anyone else in my life.

Original poster
purplelass · 29/10/2018 12:07

Why do you think reliance on your life partner is a bad thing?

Where did I say that?

Although the term 'life partner' makes me shudder a bit - like I said, you never know what's around the corner which is one reason why I think independence is a good thing.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 29/10/2018 12:08

I would say quite dependant in that he is more adventurous than me which is a big benefit to DD; if he was no longer with us it would take me right out of my comfort zone not to allow her world to shrink. And probably a better parent, he is more patient and better at guageing what is right for her age (in terms of expectations of behaviour, for example).

I would be bereft without him.

whiteonesugar · 29/10/2018 12:08

He earns a lot more than i do so WE rely on his income to keep us as a family afloat, but I personally don't rely on it, if that makes sense? We made a decision to buy a house together based on joint finances etc. but we keep our own 'pot' of spending money for ourselves.

In other areas no I don't rely on him for things, he works away a fair bit so I get shit done myself. I put the bins out, will do DIY etc. The only thing he does that I don't do is mow the lawn - everything else is a team thing.

PandorasBag · 29/10/2018 12:08

I think that after 20 years of marriage there is a kind of interdependence. Often one of us will do more of one kind of job than the other will. But we manage when the other one is away. We could both cope independently but - despite the stresses and strains of any relationship - we function better together.

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