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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How reliant are you on your partner?

134 replies

purplelass · 29/10/2018 11:23

Another thread has got me thinking - how much do you rely on your partner and how much reliance on another person is OK?

I'd shared a home with my ExH for 23 years so suddenly being a single mum to a teenager was a bit of a shock! However, it turned out that I am as strong, clever, stubborn and brave as I need to be. I very rarely need to ask my now DP for help with anything, which may be partly to do with the fact we don't live together, but I really enjoy my independence and love the sense of achievement I get from doing things for myself!

I'm concerned when women post on here that they are so reliant on their DP / DH for anything - you never know what's around the corner and having been there, done that, I do believe that independence is so important, even in a loving mutually supportive relationship.

OP posts:
ProfessorMoody · 29/10/2018 12:42

Completely dependent. If he died tomorrow, I'd be absolutely screwed as I don't have anyone else to help me. I'm disabled, with DC and have a mental illness. He does everything from school runs to shopping, cooking, cleaning, pets and emotional support as well as my personal care.

Before I got ill, I was a "strong independent" woman too. Some of the comments are a bit shitty though. Some of us can't help not being strong or not being independent. Life doesn't work like that.

TheWickedWitchofWestYorkshire · 29/10/2018 12:46

I wouldn't be able to support myself and my children without dh. We have too many debts and I don't earn anywhere near enough at the moment. I would if I had to but it'd be an even more miserable experience than it is now. I hate being so dependant too. He's not mean or abusive or anything but I hate the idea that I couldn't just up sticks and leave if I wanted to.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2018 12:47

"Changing a fucking lightbulb?"

So can you tell me how to change the lightbulb in the bathroom when I can't get the round cover off?
Or how to change the one with strip lighting in the kitchen?
Obviously anyone can screw a bulb in or push in a bayonet...

Quartz2208 · 29/10/2018 12:48

We both work (me part time) and got the mortgage based on that - our lifestyle needs both of us - but we are a partnership who play to each other strengths - I am a better cook, he spent his Uni days working as a dishwasher so he does that. Most household tasks are split to play to strengths and/or time. I dust he hoovers. I could do everything but then he wouldnt do anything so that doesnt make any sense.

So I could be independent (and have lived on my own) but I am in a partnership so share most tasks.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/10/2018 12:50

Totally reliant and I hate it!

Youngest child has special needs and I’ve given up work to care full time. We are separating and not married. House in his name.

All I have is the child benefit.

Trying to get a business going from home, been trying 3 years with limited success. Still stuck living with DP. Oh no!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/10/2018 12:51

Not reliant emotionally though.

I have lots of great friends for that! Thank goodness...

SoyDora · 29/10/2018 12:53

So can you tell me how to change the lightbulb in the bathroom when I can't get the round cover off?*
Or how to change the one with strip lighting in the kitchen?*

I couldn’t now, without seeing it. But if I saw it I could look up instructions/avideo on how to do it, and then do it.
There are videos for everything nowadays!

SushiMonster · 29/10/2018 12:53

So can you tell me how to change the lightbulb in the bathroom when I can't get the round cover off?
Or how to change the one with strip lighting in the kitchen?

How does your DH do it? Maybe you could ask him and participate next time he does this and then you’ll have learnt a new skill and won’t have to sit in the dark waiting for your saviour to come home and light up the kitchen once more.

Ollivander84 · 29/10/2018 12:58

Single so totally independent. Recovered from a major spinal op by myself
Anything I can't do (electrics/gas) I pay someone to do

SushiMonster · 29/10/2018 13:02

I have been amazed at how easy lots of house hold small scale DIY jobs are now we have the internet and YouTube.

With a lot of things, you need to see how something actually comes apart so you know that ‘yes it’s ok to pull hard here and force it off’ (yes you toilet seat screw cover) or ‘no, don’t pull hard as there is a hidden clasp which will break if you force it’ (yes you, smoke alarm).

It’s amazing how much stuff is on YouTube and you can learn to take things apart and fix them. And also, to realise when things are out of your depth and call a plumber/electrician/handy man.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 29/10/2018 13:03

I'm fairly independent from my DP; it's my house, I'm a good saver, better paid so don't rely financially on him at all. He's a good dad to our ds and will happily do pick ups/drop offs, emergency days off etc and is also more than good at doing his fair share of housework. Emotionally, I'm not sure if I'm dependent at all on him though I'd say he was more dependent on me. I'm definitely the stronger one in the relationship.

Ellisandra · 29/10/2018 13:03

My round bathroom light shade just unscrews - try gently twisting it anti clockwise.

My strip light in the shed is a plastic cover. It fits inside the case and surrounds the bulb just by pressure. Try squeezing one end very gently and see if it pushes in - then it’ll just come away. When you put it back it, squeeze to get it in, then as you release it expands and is stuck.

Just get your husband to show you.
Or fiddle with it and work it out.
Or if your husband is an arse who’ll refuse or make you feel small, ask a friend or even go to B&Q and open a box to see or ask an assistant there.

midsomermurderess · 29/10/2018 13:09

Who know changing lightbulbs oneself was such a mark of independence.

Lemondrizzlecake1 · 29/10/2018 13:12

At the moment I am financially dependant on my husband, I have 2 small children and I’m finishing a higher degree. Tables will turn next year when I will earn more than him. It doesn’t bother me in the short term, however I’d hate to be a SAHP with no career or potential to earn/have a pension of my own.

In terms of practical things my husband does the food shop and all cooking, I can’t cook and hate it. I’ve lived by myself at uni and after I graduated so I can survive though! He also does all the stereotypical man jobs, the lawn, most diy, anything car related, the bins, loft and garage things. I could do all those things (well I’d need a ladder for the loft, he manages without) on my own if I needed to, but it’s the way we divide the Labour in our house.

possumgoddess · 29/10/2018 13:12

Not dependant at all financially. He gets the things down from on top of the cupboards (because he puts them there and I can't reach) and there are DIY jobs I don't want to learn to do (e.g. anything involving a drill or a saw) but otherwise I can just about do anything I want to do. I don't want to do heavy gardening and most DIY, but I am the flat pack Queen! That doesn't mean that he doesn't do masses of stuff for me, just that I can do it for myself (and sometimes get annoyed that he doesn't let me do it).

SoyDora · 29/10/2018 13:14

,Who know changing lightbulbs oneself was such a mark of independence

It’s not. It’s perfectly normal for one person in the relationship to do some jobs, and the other to do other jobs. However no one is born with the knowledge of how to change a lightbulb, even complicated ones. Instructions exist, it’s not rocket science. I think it’s a mark of independence to be willing to find out how to do something, even if it’s not something you habitually do.

exexpat · 29/10/2018 13:15

I am not at all dependent on him. My house, my money, I can do everything I really need to.

I have always been independent-minded and believe I can do anything if I put my mind to it (and read the instructions or google...) which was just as well when I was widowed young with two small children.

My rule of thumb is that if a job can be done with basic hand tools or an electric drill, and will take less than an hour or two I'll have a go myself, e.g. unblocking sinks and putting up shelves and blinds; anything more complicated than that I'd usually rather get a professional in.

I had always done a lot of the DIY/flatpack furniture etc, though late DH was more interested in IT so had always set up computers and tech stuff, but I soon got the hang of that too.

I had been single and managing just fine for years when I got together with current DP, which is just as well as he's not really a keen DIYer or anything like that.

Escolar · 29/10/2018 13:18

Spiders are my job but he does the mice

Us too! Smile

Escolar · 29/10/2018 13:19

DH is very handy and does most of the DIY. I'm sure I could figure it out if I had to though!

SushiMonster · 29/10/2018 13:25

Who know changing lightbulbs oneself was such a mark of independence.

It isn’t. But being unwilling to learn so that you could do such a task yourself should the need arise (light goes when the bulb changer isn’t home) is pathetic.

BarbedBloom · 29/10/2018 13:35

I suppose financially we are dependent on each other as we could survive without the other but not maintain same quality of life. I do rely on him to do things like put the bins out and heavy garden work as I am disabled and have good and bad days. He relies on me to keep other things ticking over. We could manage without the other, but life is easier (and better) together

tinytemper66 · 29/10/2018 13:36

I can't drive at the moment due to an accident so reliant on him for lifts and for carrying certain things!

derxa · 29/10/2018 13:57

I run a farm on my own and DH works full time. We're often apart for weeks at a time. I could survive on my own but I don't want to. I love my husband and am completely emotionally dependent on him.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/10/2018 14:33

"My round bathroom light shade just unscrews - try gently twisting it anti clockwise. "

I have obviously tried that. Have tried twisting it, pulling it and pushing it in and then trying to turn it off.

Don't have a husband. I didn't want to look pathetic, but it seems I will have to ask my landlord.

I was just pointing out that lights aren't always that simple.

Mrskeats · 29/10/2018 14:45

Obviously it’s different if their is disability involved.

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