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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that’s it’s not weird or sad for a woman to be a 40 year old virgin?

138 replies

Ubertasha2 · 28/10/2018 22:00

Having a discussion about this and realise that all women have different experiences in life. I don’t think this is weird but some people think that a woman being a virgin at 40 is odd. Why?

  • the woman may not have found a mate either “worthy” enough or the “worthy” one may not like her in return
  • she may have medical issues
  • she may have no interest in sex (I know many people who feel this way!)
  • she may never have had a relationship and may not be the type to participate in casual sex/one night stand
  • she may have been a victim of some kind of abuse

Any thoughts, anyone?

I personally think that whether one has had 10, 20, 30 partners by 25 or 0 partners by 40 is neither here nor there, and only the individual’s business.

OP posts:
DerelictWreck · 28/10/2018 22:04

I think you're conflating two different issues - is it their own business and no-one else's? Yes absolutely. But that doesn't mean it's not unusual and therefore seen as 'odd'.

formerbabe · 28/10/2018 22:08

I'd think it was none of my business how someone chooses to live their life.

I'd be curious to know the reason but wouldn't ask...I'd also think it was sad that they hadn't had a romantic relationship and think they were missing out on a lot... I wouldn't vocalist these thoughts though.

WhataLovelyPear · 28/10/2018 22:09

It's unusual, yes, but not wierd. Like you say, various perfectly valid reasons for this to be the case.

thecatsthecats · 28/10/2018 22:09

Well, I only know one woman nearing 30 who is a virgin, and she feels both weird and sad about it.

She mostly fits into your first category. She either obsesses over men for whom she has a get out clause ("oh, we're such good friends", "oh, it would be unprofessional to date a client"), or rebuffs all comers with a front because she's scared of men showing a genuine interest because she has such low self esteem that she doesn't feel like their attention is genuine.

So yes, I feel sad for her, and yes, it is "weird" in the sense of unusual for our friend groups because all the people I know are coupled up.

Not a very "right on" answer, I know, but the truth of my experience.

Littlelambpeep · 28/10/2018 22:10

I'd think it was strange but none of my business

thecatsthecats · 28/10/2018 22:11

Oh and as for it being any of my business - she's my friend, we talk about our lives. I have all this information from the horse's mouth.

CoughLaughFart · 28/10/2018 22:12

I’d find it unusual, but it would only be sad if it wasn’t through choice. If someone just isn’t interested in sex, they shouldn’t feel obliged to follow the herd.

PinkHeart5914 · 28/10/2018 22:13

I think to be a virgin at 40 is very unusual and a bit odd tbh, but it’s not me that’s gone without the enjoyment of sex so would I care? Of course not 🤷🏻‍♀️

MajorArcana · 28/10/2018 22:13

I don't think it's any less ''sad'' than having looked back on your life and realising you never really had a good sex life. At least this person didn't have casual sex that left her feeling used, or an abusive relationship, or get involved with a married man. She may not be the bravest person in the world but she's not the stupidest! There's more to life than sex and maybe she's been better able to focus on those other things.

auroraboringalice · 28/10/2018 22:15

It's unusual, but definitely not sad (unless the woman in question is very unhappy with her situation).

SparklyLeprechaun · 28/10/2018 22:19

Whether there are reasons or not, it is still odd. As for sad - it is definitely sad if the woman believes she has missed out. Otherwise, it's a bit sad because it's a missed experience that for most people is enjoyable.

And of course her sex life is the woman's own business, but that doesn't change the oddness of the situation.

DawnFrenchKiss · 28/10/2018 22:22

It is odd ( as in highly unusual) and I'd think it sad - not to have had love/intimacy or even just fun sexually.

But yes of course she might have a physical issue that means she can't. Or be traumatised from abuse so she can't.

But if no issues it's odd not to have found one person at all where there's enough mutual attraction to have sex

60sname · 28/10/2018 22:22

Well given that women's fertility peaks a long way before 40 it is necessarily unusual to be a virgin at that age.

BonnieF · 28/10/2018 22:25

I wouldn’t think it was ‘weird’ or ‘sad’. Unusual, certainly, but nothing more than that.

Privately, however, I would feel sorry for her that she had missed out on so much love, enjoyment, tenderness and fun. And that she would not even realise what she had missed out on.

RelicHunter · 28/10/2018 22:31

Privately, however, I would feel sorry for her that she had missed out on so much love, enjoyment, tenderness and fun

But what makes you assume that anyone who has had sex at all, has experienced any of this? Confused

MicroManaged · 28/10/2018 22:32

Well the vast majority of 40 year old women are not virgins so yes, it is ‘odd’.

And in very general terms, yes, I would find it sad.

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 28/10/2018 22:35

I watched a tv interview with a woman in her mid-40s who had been a committed Christian all her life. She was very bitter that she had followed the chastity rules and had been reassured by her pastors that god would find her a mate and she just needed to wait for him. It had never happened and she felt that she would have been active in looking if she hadn't believed the church.

I felt sad on her behalf.

Agustarella · 28/10/2018 22:39

YANBU. I think it's probably more taboo than weird, and if every 40 year old virgin came out and proclaimed their status to the world, we'd probably be surprised how many there were. Whether it's sad in any sense of the word depends on how the woman herself perceives it. There was a programme on Radio 4 last week I think, which said that in Japan it's fairly usual for single people of both sexes to be virgins. Interviewees blamed work stress and online porn, though I don't think those are probably the main causes in our culture in the UK.

BonnieF · 28/10/2018 22:44

But what makes you assume that anyone who has had sex at all, has experienced any of this?

If they haven’t, they have been doing it wrong, and with the wrong people.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/10/2018 22:49

" if every 40 year old virgin came out and proclaimed their status to the world, we'd probably be surprised how many there were."

I know a man and a woman of this age and over who are virgins. In fact, I think I know quite a few people, but only know it to be a fact for these two.
I am this age and have very little experience and yes, people think it's odd and yes, I am sad about it.

RelicHunter · 28/10/2018 22:50

Bonnie - Well, exactly and there are loads of sexually active people like this. Those are the ones That deserve the pity not the 40yr old virgin?

PatriciaBateman · 28/10/2018 22:51

If they haven’t, they have been doing it wrong, and with the wrong people.

I could happily erase every sexual encounter I've ever had (including with my DH, despite loving him) and think I would be happier and healthier for it.

However, I think I'm actually a lesbian (in longterm denial), so that would explain it!

I think people feeling socially pressured into the wrong sex is far sadder than being a 40-year old virgin (which isn't sad at all if it is their choice).

Unusual, yes. But nothing wrong with that either.

BakedBeans47 · 28/10/2018 22:52

As long as the person was happy with their status I wouldn’t say it was sad as such but I certainly can’t lie if I met a 40 year old who told me they were a virgin I’d find that weird.

AGHHHH · 28/10/2018 22:54

It's unusual yes.

edwinbear · 28/10/2018 22:55

I’d think it unusual, yes, because on average, most women have had sex by then. But I’d not give it any more thought at all after that, I’d certainly not think it ‘weird’ or indeed any of my business or really anything to do with me at all. I’d assume she had her reasons.

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