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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take this child to school?

748 replies

EveryoneButSam · 28/10/2018 11:56

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest Smile. Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 14:54

The OP is getting the opposite advice here. Keep giving your time, even though you're not sure if you want to.

It's cistiing the OP no extra timewhatsoever.

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 14:55

*costing

BumsexAtTheBingo · 28/10/2018 14:55

I think or hope that most people would take the child in the circumstances the op has described - disabled parent and well behaved child.
Is the op really going to feel ok walking merrily past her neighbour in the New Year who may be painfully walking her child to school when she’s going the same way as her? I don’t think most people would feel good about that.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2018 14:55

Totally agree with everything you have said Elfycat, you have hit the nail on the head.

cansu · 28/10/2018 14:57

This is exactly the reason we are in such a shit state with social care. In reality no one wants to do anyone a favour. Basically it costs you nothing and it does not inconvenience you much at all apart from having to be nice to a little girl whose mum has a chronic illness.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2018 14:59

Actually it is annoying op, the little things that are adding up, that people are ignoring on here. It is up to op to stop anytime she wants, she should give the mum notice though.

feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest

Beeziekn33ze · 28/10/2018 14:59

OhEcto - sorry, she doesn't. That was in Villanell's post

theodoracrainsgloves · 28/10/2018 14:59

to turn your back on thisneihbour , when it isn't really inconveniencing you in the slightest, would be a massive fail on the human decency front.

The hyperbole on this thread is gobsmacking. Failing as a human being? Hmm The OP is already showing a great kindness by saying she'll do the run up until Christmas. What's so awful about her questioning whether she wants to do it for the next two years in the absence of May's parents actually talking to her about the situation?

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 14:59

Elfycat, you have hit the nail on the head.

No not really.

Is the op really going to feel ok walking merrily past her neighbour in the New Year who may be painfully walking her child to school when she’s going the same way as her? I don’t think most people would feel good about that.

^this.

Although it's clear from this thread tgat some people really wouldn't give a shit.

defineme · 28/10/2018 14:59

I have read all your comments op and I am wondering if you begrudge it because you haven't made a connection with her. I think there are people who enjoy giving for the sake of the charitable glow it gives them (That's why I do charity work, it helps people but also makes me feel good about me) and people who need to have a personal connection in order to want to give of themselves. Why don't you suggest coffee or something? You never know, you may gain a friend?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2018 15:01

Yes she has SillySally, this is a long term issue that op is not happy to do, though most of you disagree with op, it is her right to withdraw. Why should she be sucked into this long term arrangement when she is not happy to. The parents should be looking at more viable options, other than relying on a virtual stranger to take their daughter to school.

Original poster
EveryoneButSam · 28/10/2018 15:05

I will definitely not be merrily skipping past my neighbour struggling to walk in terrible weather because she drives and doesn’t get out of the car to drop her dd off.

OP posts:
ozymandiusking · 28/10/2018 15:06

I can see both sides to this problem. I think you need to change your mindset, and decide that you are not going to mind taking this child to school, and not let it worry you. She's not late, no trouble, a bit chatty may be, better than being morose! If it happens that one morning your child is ill, then a text to the other mum to explain so be it, I don't suppose that will happen very often.
As for suggesting that you charge for doing this, I think this is absolutely disgraceful.
"There for the grace of God go you or I" You don't have to be friends, or the girls to be friends for you to do this. Just a kind person.
Years ago no one would have thought twice about doing this.
Please just reconsider.

RickyGold · 28/10/2018 15:07

If the mum was a single parent, I think you should definitely do it but she is not, there is a father, why can't he sort out getting May to school? Thousands of single working parents need to get their children to school, are all the MNers who are lambasting you for not been thrilled at the opportunity to do the school run open ended, offering to take their neighbouring children of single parents to school everyday?

Hidillyho · 28/10/2018 15:09

If it takes May's mum a long time to get moving in the morning, then she could get up earlier, in fact that's what she needs to do long term anyway

When I was bad a few months ago with my illness, to be up and ‘able’ (I say this loosely as I wasn’t really able to all day) I would have had to get up at 3-4am. After a really bad night sleep and maybe not actually getting to sleep till 2ish anyway.
I’m sure if it was as simple as ‘waking up earlier’ then the mum would be doing this.

For the people who have asked what illness you can have that would mean you can’t do a drop off but could do a pick up there are quite a few - RA, Lupas, fibromyalgia, ME, MS to name a few

theodoracrainsgloves · 28/10/2018 15:09

I think you're spot on defineme - if this person was a close friend whose illness she knew more about, OP might feel differently. Instead she's got sucked into an arrangement for an acquaintance who hasn't articulated anything including thanks by the sounds of things so it's bound to be a bit more strained. I'd definitely do the let's-have-a-coffee suggestion, OP!

YouTheCat · 28/10/2018 15:09

So she only has to walk to her car? I'd definitely feel no guilt at saying 'no more'.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2018 15:10

Would those who are lambasting op, do the same for a virtual stranger, everyday for 2 years, think about it! I don't think so somehow! Keyboard worriers, easy to type on a keyboard. Op is doing this on her own, it is not shared amongst other mums so op gets a break, what about her. Is op less important than this mum, that she should sideline her feelings and wishes. What is that teaching her dd then! lay down and be a doormat, and put your feelings and wishes on the back burner for other people.

BatFacedOK · 28/10/2018 15:10

Yanbu

Why the bloody hell should you sign up to this? Yes of COURSE you should help out where you can and you're doing that. It's not your responsibility to do this long term- this woman isn't your friend as you say earlier on.

I think the father should be sorting his family out and ensuring his dd can get to school if his wife is unable to at the moment

MN is just ridiculous. Can you imagine this from the other side? ' I'm unwell at the moment and can't get going in the mornings so unable to take my dd to school unless I absolutely have to. Would I be being unreasonable to ask my neighbour to do it every single day instead? She's not a close friend or anything but her DD also attends the school and I'm sure she won't mind doing it every day for me'

Now think about the responses...

It is ok to want time on your own with your own family you know and not have to help out. The op has done more than enough and it is NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 28/10/2018 15:12

I'd do it to help out for a few weeks but not as a regular thing. And part of the reason is that her not finding another solution is totally taking the piss and I hate to do favours for people who are just taking the piss and not appreciating me.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2018 15:14

It sounds as though this mum expects op to do this, and has not shown much thanks, therefore op has had enough. It is inconveniencing to have another child there everyday, for 2 years. Maybe op might want that time before school with her own dd, who takes priority for her.

HollowTalk · 28/10/2018 15:18

So she drives to school and doesn't get out of the car? Surely she can manage that most days, then?

HollowTalk · 28/10/2018 15:18

Does she pick her up at night?

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 28/10/2018 15:21

If she's only a couple of doors down then it's really very little to you to take her since you're going anyway, but to her mum it makes a massive difference, so if I were you I would just do it, knowing that I was helping someone out.

BatFacedOK · 28/10/2018 15:21

Yes she collects her in the afternoon I believe because she's up and about then.

It's honestly kind to do this on an ad hoc basis or for a set amount of time but the posters suggesting op is the devil incarnate to not want to do it for years are just beyond a joke. They're the real cheeky fuckers here

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