To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

I would do it - it wouldn't impact my day in anyway and I have done in the past to help out friends that were in a bind or to save them breakfast club costs.

Op doesen't want to do it anymore, and she should not have do, I know its nice, the done thing yadda yadda, this is not for the short term, but long term, over that period it becomes an inconvenience. It is something that the girls parents have to work out between as op is not a long term solution. Tell her straight away that you will help her until Christmas, and after that you are not able to do it anymore, that is fine to do that.

OnEctoplasm
What do you mean someone with chronic fatigue syndrome isn’t very ill? You do know people die of the disease - or rather of ME. It’s rare but it does happen. There are varying degrees of the illness. Some are completely bedridden whilst others can work part time.

This woman is not op friend, but another school mum who she doesen't know that well.

When I was pg I developed ms. I couldn't see further than the nose on my face, think further ahead than the next 5 minutes and couldn't stand without support for more than 30 seconds (and frequently just slid to the ground anyway). I have lain down on pavements slick and wet with rain while waiting for buses because it looked so comfortable down there, i became quickly acquainted with the floors of all our local shops, would sit on the floor of buses and trains because I couldn't get a seat and couldn't stand.

It still takes me hours to get moving in the morning. I am almost always knackered. DD is grown now and can get herself up and off to wherever she wants to go, but when she was at nursery and primary, I had to get up at 5ish in order to ensure there was time for me to be able to eat something before I took my medication and then for the medication to take effect and then get dd up, fed, washed, dressed and to wherever on time.

Being exhausted didn't help but it had to be done. It probably set my recovery from that attack back by - possibly - years. But dd was my responsibility and not my neighbours' or my friends'. I slept almsot all day until it was time to collect her, had just enough energy left to deal with the evening meal and bath and bedtime for her. Not a great life but it didn't last forever.

I have to say I live in a community where we'd all do this for each other no questions asked and I'm so glad of that. I'm sorry OP but you go that way anyway and this poor woman is unwell so why wouldn't you help her? Yes some days you may feel like it's an extra chore you're only human and completely entitled to feel like that but really I would just suck it up and do it for the poor mum and little girl that obviously really need your help. She probably wouldn't have asked you if she wasn't desperate and is most likely really embarrassed, sad and angry that she's in a situation where she's having to rely on someone she barely knows to get her child to school.

I'm currently having treatment for cancer and we've had loads of offers of help. I don't want to be too reliant on these offers, as my kids are my and my DHs responsibility. On chemo day (fingers crossed I'll only have 6 rounds) our DD is collected by a friend from school, given tea and taken to a dance class while my DH sorts our DS.
I try and split any offers of help so that it's not the same people helping and when I'm having a good week I try and have their kids back for a play etc. I'm already planning what thank you gifts they will be getting as we really appreciate this help.
I wouldn't be asking someone to walk my kids to school every day, I would ask the school to get them into breakfast club and then my DHs work would have to allow him some flexibility to get them there.

OP you sound like a basically nice person. As someone who has been both the child with a disabled mum and dad commuting to work walking to school alone aged 6; and been the disabled mum feeling awful about having to rely on others, thankyou.
A few replies to pps:

1. someone said CFS doesn't make you "very ill". Yes, it really can do. I don't have it myself, but know people who do. It can literally leave you unable to raise your arms.
2. "just get up earlier". Oh if only this worked.... but you see, the thing is the combination of amount of sleep, the time your child actually will go to bed and therefore enable you to, the timings of meds and distance apart, juggling various meds etc. I really truly wish that were an option, my life would be so much easier.
3. what condition means you can be able to do things in the afternoon? Err lots. Personally I have a neurological and cardiovascular condition. I know people with Crohns etc who are also worse in the mornings.
4. her mum didn't return the favour. I'd actually read it that OP had told her she'd already put her DD in for breakfast club? But actually, I'd be so anxious about responsibility for getting another child to school safely. What if I just can't do it? If my child's late, that's unfortunate but to make another child late? What if I pass out on the way and leave them unsafe? When I'm in remission I would pick up a child in a similar position in a heartbeat, but I would be scared to offer when ill.

YANBU to not WANT to , but to turn your back on thisneihbour , when it isn't really inconveniencing you in the slightest, would be a massive fail on the human decency front.

Do you like to think of yourself as a decent human being, OP?

It depends on your circumstances- if you can continue helping, that is great. But I would also be concerned that she is depending on you, and may take it badly if your circumstances change and you can't do it reliably.

Why not look at the positives, you are showing your dd how to be neighbourly and kind.
If you don't want them to chat to you, how about trying to strengthen their friendship by perhaps inviting May for tea a couple of times, buying them the same book to read or ask about which games they both like...they'll soon be ignoring you and chatting to each other.

Jux
I see you’ve been in the situations I find myself regularly. Collapsing on the ground. Why can you not understand just because it was possible for you it may not be possible for others? If I get to the point of collapsing it takes me weeks to recover. Therefore I collapse some more.

I am an early riser. I have plenty of rest to be able to take dd in the morning. But no matter how much rest afternoons are too difficult. We are not all the same. I’m really disappointed at how little compassion your post upthread had considering you’ve been in the situation.

I would ask going rate child minder payment as this is essentially what you being asked to do.

I would not do it beyond Christmas. You could tell the mum now that you are likely to be going to work early more often from Jan and that you are sorry you won’t be able to help beyond Christmas, it gives her time to find another solution.

The reason I wouldn’t do it beyond Christmas is that I drop DD to school and it’s our time to chat - I love getting that time with her just chilling out in the morning and walking to school together. I’d miss that and feel I was putting another child ahead of my own (if that makes sense). I work FT so time with DD isn’t precious.

Time with DD IS precious!

I don't think you're selfish OP.

It's not just about the effort doing it-which you admit isn't much. It's the practicalities around it:
Must make sure we're ready when she comes
What if she's late-do we assume she's ill and not coming?
What do I do if my child is ill?
It's harder to do things like eg go over the poem they've learnt for school with another child who may want to chat, your child may not want to do it in front of another child.

I certainly feel more responsibility towards another child than my own. You need to watch them a bit more, want to make sure they're not late etc

She obviously doesn't know the neighbour that well, and it is a bind to ask someone for every day.

I have done lifts for others, and had lifts done for me, both on the emergency and long term.
There should always besome give and take. Surely the obvious one would for the other mother to say "if you take, I can bring home" even if she says once or twice a week, but can't manage more due to health reasons, it shows willing to acknowledge it's a favour.

It's also very different doing something like that when there's a fixed time than when it can be indefinite. Especially if the other mother isn't being upfront about it. I'm sure the Op would feel very different if the other mother had said "I've got a childminder sorted, but they can't start until January, are you about to continue until then."
But the situation here looks likely that the OP will then be asked in January... or potentially just assumed she will continue.

And as other people on here have found out, if they fall in the situation of doing something regularly the other party can turn nasty when there's a good reason why they need to stop.

I can't believe how harsh some of the replies are!! 

The OP clearly isn't an awful selfish mean spirited person eroding the fabric of society- otherwise she wouldn't have been taking May to school for the last month, nor planning to agree to do so until Christmas! Good grief.

Volunteering to help a neighbour in need is one thing- finding yourself completely obligated to be responsible for someone else's child getting to school indefinitely is quite another.

OP- I would share your concerns if I were in your shoes; I'd carry on helping and I'd feel exactly the same as you. If that makes me a terrible person then so be it!

You’ve had some horrible comments on here. You’ve been doing a nice thing for an acquaintance. Doing the school run for someone else for 2 years is a pretty big ask. Could you agree to doing a couple of days during the week so you have some flex to have some 1:1 time with your child? That way you’d still be helping but wouldn’t be totally responsible.

It's your choice, OP. You don't have to help out if you don't want to.

However, life is short and a little kindness goes a very long way. I would certainly be willing to help in this situation, and while it may be a slight inconvenience, I would simply feel grateful for the fact that I am fit and healthy enough to be in a position to help.

My neighbour is a single mum, I had her two girls at my house for an hour every morning when they were younger. She asked me if I could have them because she needed to leave for work early and couldn't afford the childcare. I was fortunate enough to have flexible hours that enabled me to do the school run before I went to work. If I'm honest, it was a bit of a pain having two extra children for an hour every morning, and some people on here might have thought she was taking the piss. However, I was very happy that I was able to help as it made a huge difference to their mum.

I tend to do lots of lifts and favours for people, without any expectation of reciprocation, not because I am a particularly nice person, but because it makes me feel good. Life is pretty meaningless in my view if we can't help out our fellow human beings along the way, so I take every opportunity to do the little things that make life a bit easier for people, whether they are close friends or complete strangers. It costs me nothing, and each little gesture helps to make the world a tiny bit kinder.

I really admire those people who devote their entire lives to serving others, those who work tirelessly to advance a particular cause. Their lives are truly lives that are worth living. Unfortunately, I am far too selfish to do anything that would really change the world, but I can help out those around me in little ways, with minimal inconvenience to myself, so I try to take those opportunities whenever they arise. Occasionally, those little gestures can make a big difference.

I'd do it.

I'm of the mind that goodness gets rewarded somewhere along the line in our lives.

It'd also be a good lesson to your daughter that helping those less fortunate than ourselves is the right thing to do.

OhEctoplasmOnIt
Doesn't the mother have lupus?

I'm wondering how OP is going to feel after Christmas when she sees her neighbour taking May to school, possibly slowly and painfully, in the most unpleasant weather of the year.

I'd do it if the child was only a couple of doors away and you're going there anyway.
I'd feel a bit mean saying no if I'm honest.
I'd probably feel differently if I had to go out of my way, or the child was always late, or they were a lively reception child that was a nightmare to look after but this doesn't sound as if it's the case at all here.
Having said that, you don't have to do it and I agree you could tactfully ask what the future plans are likely to be but it really doesn't sound as if you are being put out at all.
I'd do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think another big issue is that the family have not let the OP know a anything except the bits that make it sound impossible for the child to get to school otherwise. Sister has gone. Mother too ill. What about dad? What's the other part of the story?

I'm baffled as to why people think it's OP's place to get a rota to sort out their problem.

I'll bet money that at least half of the people saying she's selfish wouldn't actually do it for two years!

I don't think OP is selfish at all. She's already done plenty.

The other mum needs to not be relying on one person to get her child to school. What if OP is ill or her child is off school? I think making some kind of arrangement with the childminder would be a better option.

MN helpfully posts on some threads about 'never giving more' than you can afford and not just with money.

The OP is getting the opposite advice here. Keep giving your time, even though you're not sure if you want to.

I've helped (and am currently watching a friend/school mum's toddler 2 days a week until Xmas and nursery starts so that she can work after a childcare breakdown), I've been thanked by some, I've been CF'd by others, I've been told I've let them down when their issue is over and I've withdrawn time/attention to return to my own activities that were put on hold, I've had gifts, I've had reciprocal favours/ childcare. But my time was given freely though the CF was de-friended after bitching about me and within limits of my own tolerance.

I'm very uncomfortable with the idea that the OP's DD is learning to be kind. My DD's are kind and generous with time and sweets not old enough to be generous with money while I still have firmish boundaries and limits. Learning to be kind and thoughtful is one side of a coin; the other is to learn to be a people-pleasing doormat unable to say 'no'.