To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Hang on, on the day your DD had to go to breakfast club because of your early meeting, your neighbour took her own DD to school but didn't offer to take yours as a one-off thank you for all the help you've given them? See, that would make me question doing this long-term. I get that the mum's got a chronic condition that wipes her out, but no reciprocal offers of help even on the very odd occasion would irritate me.

I also agree with PP that the girl has two parents and why should it be your responsibility but not her dad's? I would be inclined to tell them you'll do it up to Christmas, but in the new year they need to make other arrangements, such as dropping her off at breakfast club like you do with your DD when you need to be at work early.

I think in reality what I would do is wait until they ask for another extension and then have a conversation about what their long term plans are. How well do you know them?

The Op is not selfish or mean, shame on you pp calling her out on this. Should the Op just take wee May to school for the next few years, no.
I think OP needs to have a one to one, face to face chat with the parents and discuss it properly. If Dad is leaving early then maybe he can drop at breakfast club or nearby Childminder.

You begrudge helping out a child whose mother has a long term, chronic illness when it has virtually no impact on you other than the child's presence? What is wrong with you?

It is reasonable to assume that the father might not have a job where he can negotiate different hours.

Loads of people in this country work in minimum wage (or just above) jobs where you have no muscle to flex in this kind of situation, and if you can't meet business needs by working your hours then you are replaced quickly. If this family are on one income they are probably very conscious of how much they need his wage.

People saying dad should drop her at breakfast club, where I live most people commute and have to leave the house between six and 6:45 to catch trains, where is there a breakfast club open that early? My DB leaves for work at 6am every day to do a 90-120 minute commute, he could work closer to home and not in London but it would half his salary. I'd imagine with a disabled partner unable to work such a drop in income wouldn't be ideal. She's walking that way anyway, it doesn't take any extra time and she's not obliged on days she can't do it she just lets May's mum know and other arrangements are made. Why is this even an issue?

What is the illness?

I'd take her in a heartbeat and not stop for a second to think about it,let alone put a thread up complaining about a very ill woman reaching out for help.I'm sure she doesn't want to be in this position either.
Perhaps you can get friendly with her.
The poor little girl must be worried and have a lot on her little shoulders,knowing she has to be at your house on time,get herself up and ready for school.
Perhaps she is chatty and cheerful because she wants you to like her and to carry on helping her mum out.or maybe it's masking her worries.
You will do what you think is best op.I hope it's also the right thing

Hang on, on the day your DD had to go to breakfast club because of your early meeting, your neighbour took her own DD to school but didn't offer to take yours as a one-off thank you for all the help you've given them?

Yes, I noticed that too. There may have been a good reason for it of course, but I agree it raises questions

I would do this , and I find mornings very hard. It’s a small effort that makes a big difference to somebody.
It doesn't matter that some claim they would be happy to walk the girl to school for two more years; maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't, but we all have our own personal limits.
Yes, apparently some people have limits which stop them putting themselves out for anyone who needs help. Referring to the pp not the op.

Really if it's that it takes her a while to get going in the morning, she needs to get up earlier. Is she getting up at 8am or later? Or she and her DH should find a breakfast club he can drop her at, or maybe he could come in a bit later. But it's their problem to solve, not yours.

If you've had enough, tell her you'll do it till the end of the week, and suggest the childminder around the corner.

complaining about a very ill woman reaching out for help

The Op says she has a long term illness, she didn't say she was very ill. There's a difference. I have a long term illness, I'm not very ill. If this lady is mobile after a certain amount of time getting up, surely the simple solution is for her to get up earlier?

Also I agree with pp's, the fact that she didn't return the favour when she could have definitely rings the CF bells.

"Hang on, on the day your DD had to go to breakfast club because of your early meeting, your neighbour took her own DD to school but didn't offer to take yours as a one-off thank you for all the help you've given them?"
Presumably because it was much earlier?

I’m guessing th op didn’t want to land a woman struggling with one child another one to look after.

Well yes of course I agree that people should help each other out. I do help other people out regularly, whether it can be reciprocated or not (the reciprocity really doesn’t bother me). I did something similar for a good friend for over six months and didn’t begrudge it at all. And of course there have been times when I have needed help and relied on other people. But every day for 2 years for someone I don’t really know and had no relationship with beyond an occasional hello in the playground is beyond the limits of my altruism.

That doesn’t mean I won’t do it - indeed I have been doing it already and I’m undecided about how to handle it going forwards. But it does mean I’m not happy to do it. I don’t disagree with the posters who think this is selfish (although some have been particularly vitriolic), I kind of wish I felt differently.

I don’t really know anything about the mum’s illness other than that she’s been ill for a long time, probably a year or more. No idea whether it’s degenerative or likely to get better. She hasn’t volunteered any information and it didn’t seem appropriate to ask. I don’t know her well and most communication is by text about the school run. Likewise I don’t know much about the dad’s job and whether it would be possible for him to drop May off or not.

There isn’t really anyone I could share the load with. The only other person nearby who does the same school run is the childminder.

I think I will probably do what a pp suggested and do it with good grace until Christmas. If nothing has changed by then I will try to have a gentle conversation about long term solutions. Although I will probably never be able to bring myself to have that conversation so may still be here in 2 years’ time!

You resent it, understandably, but it doesn't cost you anything, you don't go out of your way

It's your good deed for the day I guess.

But I do, as someone with a long term illness, think the mother needs to reassess a few things, and not dump basic parenting on a neighbour she clearly isn't close to.

Honestly, I think this puts you out so little, in the normal run of things, that it comes across as rather churlish (to say the least) to begrudge it.

I take a neighbour's ds to music lessons with my older two every week. It means we have to leave half an hour earlier than we otherwise would, because his lesson is before my dc's, and sometimes that's quite frankly a bit of a PITA, especially as my eldest sometimes only gets home 15 min before that from a long day and I sometimes have to interrupt my toddler dd's nap, but it stops them having the journey as well and it's just a nice thing to do (if I or my youngest were ill I am sure the neighbours would take all three if needed, but that's not why I do it).

Hang on, on the day your DD had to go to breakfast club because of your early meeting, your neighbour took her own DD to school but didn't offer to take yours as a one-off thank you for all the help you've given them?

Exactly, even if it was much earlier, how come she could do it that day herself and not return the favour?

Also, why isn't she doing pick ups for you?

And why are people assuming she's very ill? Someone with chronic fatigue syndrome isn't very ill but might struggle in the morning.

Yes, apparently some people have limits which stop them putting themselves out for anyone who needs help.

She's already put herself out to help, but surely she shouldn't be expected to do it indefinitely, if she doesn't want to.

If this opinion makes me a heartless bitch in the eyes of some, then so be it.

Give her notice asap that Christmas will be your limit, or she will ask you to continue until spring half term.

how old is the child and how far away is the school?
if year 4 or so and school is a short walk, why do the dc not walk on their own?

BertrandRussell Yes, it may well have been, but to not even offer to take the other girl seems unfair on the OP. The mum is well enough to do the school pick-up every day but not once has she offered to walk OP's DD home either.

I actually would do this to help out a neighbour in need, in the short term at least, but I don't think OP deserves the hammering she's getting for feeling unsure about it.

I have to say I do think it was a bit 'off' of May's mum to not offer to take your dd on the breakfast club day, nor to offer pick-ups or at least the odd one now and again (can see she might be daunted at stop-offs at the park etc on the way home). If it were me I would also be a bit more forthcoming with information.
Sounds a bit as if the relationship is quite awkward and you and she are both a bit selfish in your own ways (I mean that neutrally).

God, I hate tally charts.

I am disabled and chronically ill. School run is a nightmare. I’m better in the morning but the afternoon is a disaster. Being largely bedridden I am not able to stand up to cook for long if at all. Struggling to feed myself and my dd.

A pp said about how her mum was flawed for 3 days for going to the dentist. I haven’t been to the dentist for 8 years for me because quite frankly it’s surplus to requirement.

Those saying her dh could just do school run or something... or pay a childminder. Perhaps that is difficult on their income. Well my dh did quite a bit of stuff for me and hey presto he was recently got rid of from work. Totally ridiculous that people on here think it’s easy just to expect flexibility from employers. Dh is looking for another job now. My health I that bad that dh asked me yesterday if I wanted him to not work stay at home instead.

You’re complaining about having to communicate with a chatty child as you walk to school when I sit there sometimes for hours unable to move and struggling not to piss myself. You really don’t know how lucky you are. Health is everything. Have some compassion!

theodoracrains
You’re trying to apply the reasoning and cognitive ability of a well person with that of a chronically ill person. The poor woman is living from moment to moment in a living hell. She probably didn’t think about ops dd.

Jux
What a ridiculous and ignorant thing to say. The poor woman cant just get up a little earlier and everything be fine. She’s chronically ill and disabled. If only life could be so simple.