To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Havaina
Then surely op should get a backbone and tell the child to be quiet. I find this as a very weak excuse when some people have real issues and difficulties of getting their children to and from school.

So the only alone time the op has with her child is the morning school run?
No the op hasn’t said this but if there was a reason why the op couldn’t do it anymore there would be no dilemma. She doesn’t want to. Hence people coming up with excuses on here for her about working early etc which aren’t true. Because I don’t want to help my disabled neighbour anymore by letting her ‘no bother’ child accompany us on a walk we will still be doing doesn’t sound very nice does it?

AF
I though that but when I scrolled up I saw it was in relation to a post upthread.

Ok, fair enough

That is good enough reason, op just doesn't want to anymore. She should give the neighbour an end date, so that they can sort something out. It would be better if it was shared, but the responsibility for taking this child to school is falling on op, and she just doesn't want to do it anymore, and that is her right.

This does not make her a nasty wicked person who is a scourge on society, she has helped this mum out a lot already, and just does not want to do it anymore. It is grating on her, and she is becoming resentful, so really she should stop. When a favour becomes a burden or a cause of resentment, it should cease.

Bumsex
Exactly. It’s an excuse. Op is of course entitled to do as she chooses. But in finding an excuse she legitimises her choice. People often find such ways to justify their choices.

Yes, that was a different poster AnyFucker

Mummy, I sympathise with the difficulties but think that the parents need to explore what help they are entitled to (taxis etc), see if the dad can change his hours (even 2 days a week) and then try and enlist a couple of people to help one day a week.

This wholesale dependence on OP makes me feel claustrophobic and I'm not even the OP!

I've previously taken another child to school every morning for several months. Her mother was new to the country, a single parent, and needed help so that she could get to work. I still think that the OP shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not wanting to carry on with this.

She was incredibly generous to agree to take on the responsibility for the agreed half a term. And it is a responsibility. In my case the other child wasn't badly behaved at all but mentally I actually found it quite tiring. It felt like I had to be on full alert at all times in a way that I didn't need to with my own children.

There is a reason that childminders charge parents for this kind of service, even if they are taking their own child at the same time.

People are seriously calling the OP selfish when she has volunteered to take the child of someone she barely knows to school for 3 months??

I would just do it

I do something similar for someone and I do it to ensure that the kids are unaffected by what is happening around them.

Do I enjoy it? No. But it is important to me.

That's you Chao, but op does not feel the same as you and has had enough.

Councils don't provide transport for the children of chronically ill parents who have no other way to get a child to school.

Councils fall back on the explanation that this is what Personal Independence Payment should be used for. It is supposed to cover some of the extra costs caused by long term ill-health or disability.*

The mobility component is £*22.65 or £59.75 weekly. The higher rate is only payable if someone struggles to walk more than 10 meters. So May's mum at best would get the lower rate, if at all.

The council's double-bind is that if you don't get PIP then you've been judged as not needing help.

Argh! total bold fail there, sorry!

The mobility component is £22.65 or £59.75 weekly. The higher rate is only payable if someone struggles to walk more than 10 meters. So May's mumat best would get the lower rate, if at all.*

That isn't the only element to the mobility part of PIP

*bold fail sorry

OP You have been very kind to a family you hardly know
You deserve praise, not the extraordinary, nasty criticism you have received from some saintly pp

So, a well-deserved 💐

It would be wonderful if you could continue until Christmas - but do warn her in advance if you can't continue

However, it is totally understandable if you feel the responsibility is too much
especially if your DD is missing out on valuable 1:1 time just before school, when she might want to tell you about any worries

I can understand that the child's father may not be able to change his working hours and that his pay packet is essential to keep the family going

BUT

what I don't understand is why he hasn't come to visit and offer his services for anything you might need on future weekends

In his situation, where he needs someone else to help look after his family and enable him to keep working,
I would have been around immediately, offering to e.g. mow the lawn, do weeding, help with clearing out the garage, even hoovering & dusting once a week.

As the able-bodied family member, I'd never sit back and just be a taker while someone else enables my family to keep going
I'd at least make genuine, permanent offers of help and make sure I did some thanking, not leave those social duties to my disabled family member

I’d do it, I know what you’re saying but I’d do it because I think it’s right and kind and their situation would remind me of how lucky I am and how lovely that I’m able to do a simple thing that will make such a big difference to someone else’s life.

But I don’t think your feelings are U by the way! I see what you’re saying, I’d still do it though basically!

OP YANBU. You’ve been incredibly kind to help out for so long. I’ve read the whole thread and your responses. You don’t know this woman and she has made no attempt to get to know you, invite you round for a coffee, yet you take her child to school every day? I find that strange of her.

You don’t know the Dad! Yet every day you are taking their child to school. So neither parent has made an attempt to chat to you or get to know you? The woman who has sole care of their child in the morning?

And that, I feel is the main issue. If she were a friend, maybe it would be different. You clearly don’t know anything about her condition as she’s not offered that information. Yet she should have, so you would understand a bit more. She should be thanking you, as should the father. Yet they don’t speak to you.

The fact that you have no idea how to raise this with her shows how little you speak/see each other.

I would help out for a bit but she and her husband need to come up with a better, long term solution.

Time with your own children is precious. You have clearly arranged your life to be able to spend this time with your child so why should you be providing free childcare for someone else who you don’t know? That then impacts on this time?

Havaina
I explained upthread that dhs company got rid of him recently. He was a manager and he could take time out to a certain extent. But he couldn’t be there when I needed him at pick up every afternoon at 3.15. It just simply wasn’t possible.

BigChoc
I have explained more than once that an able bodied partner to a disabled person is fucking hard work. It nearly killed my dh working all the hours god sent to try and keep his job, look after dd and look after m. He couldn’t keep on top of stuff he needed to do at home let alone help out somewhere else.

Posters are so good at dishing out how they think this woman should and shouldn’t act, what they should be able to do and how they should and shouldn’t behave. Pity they can’t actually fucking read what it’s actually fucking like to be these people.

Nobody knows how or what this woman feels as she hasn’t bothered to communicate with the OP about it. She has just been asking for someone to take her child to school for free!

can some posters tell me where these jobs are that DH's can do that they can rearrange their working days to suit school hours?

Cos I would fucking struggle to find a job like that never mind DH.

Stoorie, people have said that OP should find out why DH can't change his hours, has he tried etc.

There have been quite a few threads on MN where OPs were providing free babysitting / childcare only to find out the CF friend/school mum had a CF partner who was having a lie in while the OP looked after his children.

It is not unreasonable for OP to know why she should do the school run instead of the child's own father.

Pity they can’t actually fucking read what it’s actually fucking like to be these people. confused
But you've just stated how YOU feel. No one knows how this mom feels. I have a chronic disease and don't feel the same as you. Does everyone with pain feel the same way and have the same struggles?

Councils don't provide transport for the children of chronically ill parents who have no other way to get a child to school.

If they operate a blanket policy of refusing, they are failing to follow the statutory guidance, which says:

"Local authorities should, however, promote and ensure equality of opportunity for disabled parents. For example, if a parent’s disability prevents them from accompanying their child along a walking route that would otherwise be considered unsafe without adult
supervision, a reasonable adjustment might be to provide free home to school transport"

They're also in breach of their duties under the Equality Act 2010.