To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

I'm in a similar situation healthwise. School was 3 miles away, there were no places in local schools and my car died. My husband's request for flexible working was denied and adult, children's and school transport services all refused to help.

In the end I managed to get them into the local school and being in year 5 they can walk. children's services admitted wasn't in the girls best interests to move schools but I had no choice in it.

I feel for the OP, I really do. Mornings are so hectic without considering someone else's child as well. It's a horrible situation for both of you to be honest. Do you have a family worker at school who you could speak to? They might not be aware of what's going on and might be able to help the family in the long term.

"We honestly have no clue what's wrong with the woman"
Yes we do. She has lupus.

Yes we do. She has lupus.

Where does the OP say that?

All the nauseating people telling OP she is selfish for not wanting to do this indefinitely have given no examples of how they have similarly helped neighbours. Ergo, they're all blowing it out of their arse.

And with regards to why the husband hasn't even acknowledged OP's help to date, I'm guessing because he sees it as women's work, to be sorted out by his sick wife, his student daughter and any nearby woman - i.e. OP. He does it not see it as his responsibility so why should h not be grateful to OP?

The op has not said its lupus at all

I regularly took a neighbours 2 children to school until it was no longer needed (after about a year) as she had to work, was going through a divorce and was struggling financially so not having to pay for breakfast club was a real help to her.
When my grandad was still alive his neighbours looked in on him daily (as did we!) and they would pick him up things from the shop and help him with stuff if needed.
There are lots of people who help others out for no financial gain, just to be kind. And in the knowledge that one day they, or someone close to them might need some help.

Charity starts at home. The parents need to come up with a proper solution.

Agreed to do it until christmas if you want. Sometime soon you need to message and ask whether the mum has got plans for alternative arrangements after christmas. See what her initial response is. If she is uncertain propose things like dad dropping off at breakfast club, childminders etc. Or could she reciprocate by picking up in her car everyday?

Hopefully with these prompts she won't ask to extend after christmas.

OP if you are still reading...

I would try for that chat. People with long term illnesses are also vulnerable to anxiety and depression. It’s a cruel irony that when people have a physical condition, needing a step up in terms of planning, their mental health can often act as a barrier.

It sounds likely that May’s Mum’s condition is longer term, and so the family need to put plans in place. The family may be in denial about this, they may not have the mental energy to plan, they may not be aware if they can access any additional help, and they are possibly struggling financially on one salary. But, sad as that is it isn’t your responsibility.

My guess from reading your posts is that you will probably continue to help out so long as it isn’t always and only you, and that you know honestly what they are expecting from you. If you can establish a better understanding of their situation, you will be better able to set clear boundaries about what you are willing to do.

I don’t think you are being remotely selfish

I'm loving this mythical village where everyone lives. Is it the same one as in all the small-village soap operas, because there seem to be a load of murderers, adulterers, thieves, fraudsters etc amongst the 'naice' people.

Or in this lovely 20/20 vision of the past are we forgetting that not that long ago in British history (and still ongoing in other parts of the world) that people would report the slightly alternative people as a witches and have them killed. Nice village that was. My point is that you're only looking at the Enid Blyton version of a village. Midsomer is another and the truth, as ever, is somewhere in the middle.

Also people relied heavily on the Church for aid; almshouses and all that. Now we have a welfare state I know it's not a cure all and May's mother hasn't said if she's applied for any available help and been denied it. She needs to start there and not with a passing neighbour. May's mother hasn't actually said anything as she's not a friend of the OP.

She's not a friend. She hasn't attempted to become a friend to the OP who is doing her a massive favour she may be too tired, but really? Not even tea and a chat?

I find the responsibility of other people's children a headache, with the exception of my friends' children who I have a relationship with and know mine/their/their parents' rules. The OP is now responsible for May's safety on this walk. That adds a mental load to a day, and while it may not be much for some people it would cause me moderate anxiety. And no that's not hyperbole, we all have our stressors. So while we're envisaging scenarios for May's mother, can we envisage that the OP is harassed enough by this role to come on to seek help here to extricate herself from it.

Exactly, it was no problem when it was temporary, now it seems to be for the foreseeable future, for op it is a problem. She is still responsible for that child's safety and we'll being, which is extra stress. You don't want to do it anymore, that is fine, just give mum an end date, that's it! You have already helped enough, more than a lot of people have done, you will only end up resentful. Tell her you can do it occasionally after Christmas but it cannot be a regular thing. It sounds like it's starting to grate on op that is not good.

Oh and shoot me down for a keyboard diagnosis, but we do not know May’s Mother’s condition. The poster who mentioned Lupus was talking about someone else.

What the OP has described is someone who struggles first thing in the morning, but is able to do school pickup. This suggests a condition where moving is more difficult first thing in the morning, but improves as the day goes on. She is also probably in a great deal of pain and I imagine has many challenges.

But. OP also states that May’s Mum drove her daughter to school in preference to OP taking May to breakfast club. This is the most telling part to me.

She chose to drive & drop her DD off when the alternative didn’t suit.

OP I think your problem is there's not an obvious excuse you can offer to get out of it. How about something like, I've just found out my work schedule is changing next year, I'll be attending a lot more early meetings and using the breakfast club for dd, so I won't be able to help you out any more.

And I agree with everyone saying the dad will have to sort something out. How could he as he works? Well OP has managed it. If OP didn't have to worry about childcare she might be able to work all hours as well, but she does have too so she can't. Oh right, she's a women, so fair enough.

Lying isn’t going to work as the neighbour will see her walking her child up every morning.
If the op doesn’t want to do it anymore she needs to own it and say she doesn’t want to help anymore and she doesn’t have to so she’s not going to.

"We honestly have no clue what's wrong with the woman"
Yes we do. She has lupus.

No, there is no suggestion that she has lupus. It's really not difficult to check.

A mom at our school has MS. We all feel terrible for her. She also happens to be a pretty crappy mom. Children's aid was phoned on her because she kept leaving her 2 yo at home alone. She also doesn't want her kids to be fat so she was restricting their intake and one of the kids was always begging for food after school from other parents.
You can have an illness and still be a CF, or still be a shitty person. No one know's what May's mom has, nor what sort of person she is. I'm not saying she's a crappy person, but it seems silly for people to keep projecting sainthood onto this woman due to the fact she is ill.

My tupence worth: ask the family. Be direct. And maybe ask the other school parents to do a rota if things are very bad and unlikely to change? I can completely understand OP. And I think you have done a lot so far.

The number of people who wouldn’t even do something that requires no effort to help a disabled neighbour because ‘why should I?’ and ‘they’d be getting something for free’ is exactly why society is the
way it is

But the OP has done the favour for several weeks and is doing several more weeks til Christmas. That's help.
I have previously done favours like this for friends, often and sometimes regular. Does that mean that OP and anyone who has ever done a favour has to do it for up to two years? That's a long time, that's a lot of responsibility. You say it's only taking an extra child to school, but that's someone's child.

What if anything happens to that child on your shift. The guilt.

What if you want a week off (disregarding fines) do you then look for alternatives for someone else's child? If the mother can do it for your week off, you begin to feel taken advantage of.

It's not about getting it for free, it's cfery. And all the handwringers can say whatever to try guilting OP, but no-one has yet said they did it for 2 years without complaint.

And frankly it's not OPs job to source childcare for some one else, and it sure is not her problem to explain why she can no longer do it. No excuses are needed when it's CFs, so no excuses needed when it's a disabled person.

The OP may get a Thank You at Christmas.
OP has already done 4 weeks and no thank you gift, although OP has not said this is a problem so!

The number of people who wouldn’t even do something that requires no effort to help a disabled neighbour because ‘why should I?’ and ‘they’d be getting something for free’ is exactly why society is the way it is

No one has said that have they? People are trying to balance the needs of OP with the needs of this woman.

On balance, it was fair of OP to help this woman on a temporary basis but that help is now being expected as standard, up to Christmas and probably beyond. This is affecting OP's time with her daughter, as she has to talk to her neighbour's chatty child instead of concentrating on her own DD. This is not fair to OP and her DD so the balance has to be shifted so that OP gives neighbour a timeframe in which she will no longer be able to help or will be able to help less frequently I.e. Once a week.

User145
Having family members with medical conditions is vastly different from being chronically ill. Your posts like those from many other posters show you really don’t understand.

Al1ce
I don’t see why it is telling that the mother chose to drive her dd instead of getting op to take her to breakfast club. Perhaps the family cannot afford breakfast club even for a day. Being disabled is very very expensive and with only one wage coming in they may be on the bones of their arse.

@NotMNameButHereForever
I’ve now waded through all the posts. Spoons and all that - I don’t always have the energy to read all the way through and with pages of posts I come back to the thread and start backwards. Yes, I do know exactly what you mean. It’s so sad to read when others have experienced this indignity and upset too.

Showers are every other day when I’m poorly or third day when I’m really bad. Plenty of days I just don’t get dressed and sling a cardigan and coat on top if I pop out. I have bought a bunch of cheap jersey maxi dresses to wear in place of nightdresses, which means I don’t actually have to bother to get dressed. So fab in the summer and in the winter I wear a dressing gown on top!

Of course we have no idea of what sort of state this woman really is in but to suggest she should just pop in for a cuppa, buy chocolates and do this and that may truly be far too much for her.

But after Christmas the op will still be walking the same way and refusing to help even though by her own admission it’s very little bother. The reason the op is finding it hard to end the arrangement is because there’s no real reason for her not to do it other than ‘why should someone else get something and I don’t’ which is a very common attitude unfortunately until it is you or one of your loved ones who needs the kindness of others.

The reason the op is finding it hard to end the arrangement is because there’s no real reason for her not to do it other than ‘why should someone else get something and I don’t’ which is a very common attitude unfortunately

How do you know this is the reason BumSex? OP hasn't said this.

You are completely ignoring OP's point about not having that time alone with her DD anymore, and instead having to listen to the neighbour's chatty child.

Bumsex it is always hard to end that type of arrangement, and you don't have to have a very good reason, just it does not suit us anymore. She has helped out the neighbour before this, and is just not enjoying it, especially when there does not seem to be an end in sight. that is good enough to stop. Why should op put her wishes or well being on the back burner for a stranger, not even a friend. It is stressful having another person's child in your care, she is still op responsibility, and she cannot relax on the walk.

and everyday, for the foreseeable future, I would find this a pain.

Was it not the op with a nc fail on the 1st page that said the mum had lupus ?