To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Isn't the issue that the OP is concerned about becoming a long term solution, not that she objects helping out?
At least that's how I read it anyway.

I'd be more than happy to help out but wouldn't want to be the default set up for an indefinite period of time.

The op did not say it was lupus. Another poster said that.

She said she does not know what Mays mothers llness is and they have not told her anything. She doesn't know them at all.

I live in a village community where everyone knows each other and usually helps out.

A very similar situation to the op's, however, has caused an enormous ruckus amongst my neighbours with a horrible fallout over the last six months.

Basically, a newly single mum asked a retired neighbour to drive her daughter to school every day as she had to get to work early and the neighbour already took another child to a school in the same direction, though not the same school.

This was interpreted as utter cf-ery by the neighbour, who felt that she was expected to go out of her way to facilitate the mum's lifestyle. The result has been that the neighbour has caused other neighbours to ostracise the mum.

In some respects, I can see both sides. To the mum, it probably seems logical to ask the neighbour who already takes the child of a friend to school to take her child just a bit further as well. But I also see how it's beyond a joke to ask a pensioner, who is not family and just a neighbour, to drive your kid to school every day.

I mention this because these sorts of situations are minefields and best avoided if you can. The only way it works really is if there is some sort of reciprocity. If you drop May off at school, then whoever picks May up should really offer to pick up your daughter too.

Otherwise, it really starts to look a little rude to expect you to walk the child to school every day when you have no real connection to the parents.

OP said in her last post “I have taken [May] to school ad hoc before when the big sister couldn’t and have always said it’s no bother (which on an ad hoc basis it really wasn’t). Maybe she thought I would be happy to do it on that basis and hasn’t given any thought to any other solution. Or she may be frantically working on something, I just don’t know! I guess I need to talk to her but I just don’t know how to approach her.”

Until OP has more information it’s hard to say what’s the right thing to do here going forward.

Sorry bold didn’t work in relation to

I guess I need to talk to her but I just don’t know how to approach her.

To me, it sounds like the OP is being kept at arms length so that she doesn't question arrangements too much.

It can appear that something like this is tiny task - on the face of it, you are just allowing a well behaved child to accompany you on the walk to school.

However, OP has said that she prefers to walk unless the weather is bad. Presumably now she is forced to walk in all weathers because she won't have a car seat for May. Walk to school might be only time she usually has alone with Dd, so they may both be missing that. Maybe she used to be able to take longer routes to school on nice days or stop for a treat, but that isn't possible now. Maybe someone else sometimes took Dd to school but that has had to be stopped now.

OP has minimised the impact on her, but obviously the glow of doing good is not compensating for other unmentioned inconveniences.

It is good to help other people, but it is also reasonable to have some choice in what good works you chose to take on.

No, the mother doesn't have lupus. It was the mother mentioned by Villanellesproudmum post who does, but other people have jumped on that because they didn't read the thread properly and assumed that it was May's mum. (I've just done a search of the thread to find out where lupus was first mentioned.) The OP has said that she doesn't know what May's mothers condition is so we.still have no idea what the condition is or how it affects her.

I totally understand how you feel OP. I rarely get to take me children to school due to my working hours (DH does it). However, when I can do it I love it. It's a precious pocket of time to chat to your child. In two years when they move onto secondary school you won't ever walk them to school again. You ANBU to cherish your time with your child. Your neighbour needs to do what we would do in that situation and pay a childminder.

X-posted with 3luckystars!

Maybe if you actually RTFT you would know where the DF is rather than jumping to incorrect conclusions.

Really? All I can see is that he's around but goes to work too early to drop his daughter off. The real question, of course, is why he hasn't managed to sort anything out over the last year or so, given that he has rather more responsibility in this than OP does. I must say, if I were asking this sort of favour from a neighbour I would want to explain why the child's father couldn't help.

T be honest I totally get your feelings but would probably continue in good grace since there is, on the face of it, so little effort required on your part. Virtually non if you could talk yourself into really not minding.

To the mother in bed you are doing a massive favour. She does appreciate it and can make alternative arrangements if she has to.

I’ve always been the sort of person who would help out if I could and it wasn’t inconvenient. I might have sighed a bit- pretty much like you I think.

I developed a chronic condition a bit later in life and the kindness shown to me by some people has been quite amazing. I’m very, very careful not to be a CF but perhaps some help I’ve needed or accepted has been more resented than I realise. I hope not but you never know when your kindness might be paid forward by another person. I’d like to think that’s been the case with me.

@sillysally a text isn't really a thank you. A card, token gift, or phone call and letting the OP know the reasons that's a thank you.

@MaisyPops I'm sorry my post did not come across as intended. It was in no way supposed to guilt trip OP.

I wanted to convey how hellishly strong disabled people need to be. And that May's mum will find another way. We are a resourceful and creative bunch.

In my case, our local council does not provide help to get kids to school if the parent has a permanent disability that prevents them from doing so. If you break a leg and can't do the school run, and have no one else to step in, the council will help for the temporary period. If it's permanent, you're on your own.

I've found a way by pre loading on opiate meds, setting an alarm 2 hours before I need to move so that I can start the meds regime. It bloody hurts, but taking a shower or having a shit hurts too. I can't avoid pain, but I can control a lot of other things around it.

I love the time I have with DS in the morning now. A gentle walk and rest along the way inspires him with questions he never asks at home. No other distractions. The chats we have are amazing.

If I was OP, here's what I would do. Knowing full well the impact on her neighbour.

"I'm sorry, I won't be able to keep taking May to school. I feel my DD is talking to me less about her day, she is less open and we are missing out on vital bonding time. I was more than happy to help you out when you were stuck, but I need to make changes now and put my daughter first. I'll keep taking her for 2 more weeks and give you time to sort things out. Thank you for understanding."

Her neighbour WILL find another way somehow.

What i find really uncomfortable on here, is that op is told to ignore he feelings, and to put them aside, for the greater good by some, but I bet they would not do the same, if push comes to shove, every day for an indefinite period. It is very easy to volunteer other people's services. Just because the mum is disabled, does not mitigate her responsibilities to find long term solutions to this. I think op feels rather used, as the mum only seems to contact her when she wants her dd being taken to school, there does not seem like any appreciation on her part. If I was the mum, I would be sending op a nice card, flowers, gift card, something to say thanks.

It is nice to feel appreciated, not to feel like you are being used or taken advantage of. Also people are forgetting, there is a dad on the scene, what is he doing to help get his dd to school. She is not entirely on her own.

Maybe May's mum and dad were planning to send around a nice thank you gift when they favour comes to an end.

The responsibility is falling on op to take this girl to school, which is unfair, it is not shared, I think op would be more open if it was shared, or if she did it a couple of times a week, not everyday for the foreseeable future.

The OP may get a Thank You at Christmas.

It’s the same school, children are Year 4. The child doesn’t have to be picked up and she’s no trouble.

Is it really that onerous?

Yes for op it is! She does not want to do it for an indifinite period, and that is her right, especially when there is another parent there.

I really can’t understand why so many posters think it’s the OPs responsibility to facilitate this when May has a FATHER who should be stepping up to the mark instead of leaving all this women’s work to women. Why can’t he reorganise his schedule like millions of other parents have to do?

The OP is being generous helping out but it’s not her responsibility. Personally, I’d be happy to help (like the OP has done), but absolutely not forever. This is going past simply helping someone out who’s in a difficult situation, to it now being OPs responsibility.

I think there are an awful lots of skimmers who don't RTFT.
OP I feel EXACTLY the same. You've shown kindness, you have helped, you're continuing to help til Christmas. Regardless of you being neighbours, you are now obligated. The time you agreed to help out, has been extended at mum's request and again you've said yes.
We don't know the in's & outs, but May is not your responsibility.
Regardless of the posters who claim you should, you must, imagine if were you etc. You have helped out this family, you have been kind, you have helped.
Drop off a box of chocolates on the last day of Christmas term, wish her all the best and you may see her at school in the new year.

I had though, before reading this thread, that most people would step up to help a neighbour in similar circumstances. The op has said herself that it doesn’t really put her out.
The number of people who wouldn’t even do something that requires no effort to help a disabled neighbour because ‘why should I?’ and ‘they’d be getting something for free’ is exactly why society is the way it is. There is a phrase ‘I wouldn’t even spit on them if they were on fire’ which used to mean that you wouldn’t go slightly out of your way to help someone in an awful situation because you hate them. But this is how we are conditioned to feel about our friendly neighbours now. Nice.

@RussellTheRaven
I read it that way (probably in light of all the other posts of people guilt tripping the OP). I see what you mean now.

I agree with you about the need to be strong and find alternatives. I'm sure the OP probably wouldn't mind helping out now and then, just that the responsibility for an indefinite period of time is unreasonable.
At the moment there's no incentive for may's parents to start looking at solutions or ways forward because they can carry on as normal because they're expecting the OP to keep it up.

I like your advice though on how to approach.

If she has a long term illness, she needs a long term childcare solution. I would suggest paid childcare.

It is not the responsibility of the OP to provide this for free for a virtual stranger who hasn’t even bothered to speak to the OP and tell her what’s going on. One ‘thanks’ by text wouldn't cut it for me.

I don't think anyone on here has said that they wouldn't be happy to help a disabled neighbour. OP has been helping a disabled neighbour.

It is great to help help a neighbour who really needs it. It is quite another to be permanently obliged to do something because other people perceive it as nothing.

We honestly have no clue what's wrong with the woman, maybe she has surgery booked for November and will be ok by Christmas. Maybe she is hoping that she will win the lottery. Maybe she just can't face thinking about it.

The point is that Mays parents are not even discussing this with the op. They just gave her a job with no end date and they don't even know her. She is a good person and has been helping without question for months!