To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

YANBU to not want to commit to this. But you could be a nice helpful person and do it anyway

Oh god Gigglebrain, 🤔🤔

THE MENTAL LOAD
There's alot of discussion about sharing the mental load for simple tasls..how one person carrying the mental load for a whole family can take it's toll.
@OP is being asked to carry another family's school run as part of her mental load and being responsible for that child's safety along the way.

@OP YANBU if you dont want to do this.
If you want more 1:1 time with your child and enjoy doing that during the walk.

The reality is this family needs to get a child minder to do the drop off. If dad worls he can lool into childcare vouchers or tax free child care, to make it affordable.

If you can, it's a very kind act.
If you cant, thats also somewhat understandable.

Nottakingthis, OP does want to help. She's been helping for several weeks and is prepared to carry on doing so for many weeks more. But why should it all fall on her? Why shouldn't the child's father do something, why shouldn't the parents look at making a paid arrangement with a childminder, and why shouldn't the mother contact the council for help?

I have a long term health condition that requires complex meds and eating before meds, some it's food with meds and others it's leave 1 hour after food before taking meds. It's a fucking nightmare to get going in the morning. I have a DC to get to school.

I was bullied by other parents via FB for parking near school, even though it was parked legally and I displayed my blue badge. Wheelchair in the back of the car, disabled stickers on every door. Pictures of my car in the school FB page, uploaded by one mum, then 100's of comments from others. No one acknowledged that I had a right, and need, to park. School run became unmanageable due to meds, stress, trying to hold down a FT job with a disability, and the bullying.

I'd like to say that a neighbour kindly stepped in and offered to help. But they didn't. The mums I was friendly with remained silent on FB. No other parent had every had their car photographed before or since. I had no one.

OP - do what you need to do, this mum will get by somehow. Even when there are no options or solutions, the strong among us find ways to carve out a solution. Even if it means walking in excruciating pain and without the full compliment of meds.

Disabled people are the strongest and most resourceful people you will ever know.

RussellTheRaven
I'm sorry for your experience but everything about your post smacks of trying to guilt trip the OP into being responsible for another family's school run indefinitely which isn't really on.
It's very passive aggressive 'oh don't mind us lot, you do what you need to, I'm sure being in excruciating pain won't matter'.

As other posters have said, we don't know what the situation of May's mother is. But the OP has been more than happy to help. She doesn't want to be responsible long term for another family's childcare arrangement which is more than reasonable

It takes a village to raise a child We don't get many opportunities to do selfless acts for others. This is an easy opportunity for you to help someone less fortunate.
One day you may need a kind neighbour and think back to this.
When my dad was very ill and housebound, an elderly neighbour (mid80s) used to go out of his way to drop a newspaper into my dad each morning. I visited that neighbour when he was ill in hospital, offered to do his shopping and put his curtains up for him. Small things, but I was so grateful for how he helped my lovely dad.

As another mum on here with a disability which meant she could not take the child to school, the council home to school transport. She might need to provide evidence of her disability, but she is an adult, and has to look at other permanent options apart from relying on op, who is only a temporary.

None of us, not even the op here knows whats actually wrong. None of us have the right to know, but if someone was taking my daughter to school every day I would have the courtesy to discuss it with them or find another solution.

Most people would be happy to help an ill parent out, but what if you find out when May is older that it was something like an ingrown toenail that Mays mother as dealing with, and you had given up every morning with your daughter because of this.

The last thing I wanted to throw in there was, if May.had been going to the child minder all along and her mum suddenly got sick and had to leave work, would the child minder be expected to continue to take May to school every day for free? Because that's the level of friendship you had with Mays mother. None. You are not friends at all and the dad doesn't even know you.
I think do it till Christmas and have a chat with her, 'what's the plan for January, if my schedule changes, I'm worried you will be stranded' and I'm sure you will know what to do when you have all the information. Good luck x

Op has said that she does not want to do this indefinitely, preferably until Christmas, I find it very uncomfortable, the amount of people on here, guilt tripping op and being quite aggressive to her, when she is already helping her out. As a CM said on here, it is a responsibility, the school is not just down the road, I gather it is a bit of a walk with busy roads to cross. As people have pointed out, there are several options the mum could consider. My dd 11 has SN, I don't drive (learning at the moment), and dh goes to work very early, so I had to apply for home to school transport for her special school, as I would not be able to get dd to school on time as will as my younger son.

There is a parent with a car who I know, live near me, whose child goes to the same special school as dd, she has offered to take dd, but I just do not want to burden her with it, what if she gets fed up of doing this. I needed to find a long term solution which was applying for home to school transport.

couldn't do this. My mornings are hectic and sometimes a bit shouty at 0830.... I'll admit to being a disordered person who does things in the moment. Having to commit to something every morning would not work for me
@elfycat - that was such a sensible and thoughtful answer. In the absence of a 'like' button, I want to give you some wisdom kudos. You've summed up how I might feel about it too.

It's a privilege to be able to help people, but some tasks are more onerous for some people than others. OP is clearly kind - she's been doing this for half a term and seems v thoughtful to me. But OP values the one-to-one time with her DD in the mornings. It may be that there is somebody else from school walking that route who wouldn't care at all.

If there are several kids nearby walking, would setting up a 'walking bus' be an option, so that parents share the load (and OP doesn't have to use it Btw!)?

I think the fact that The girls mother always has her ready on time shows gratefulness and eagerness, and care for the daughter. She sounds like a well behaved girl who is eager and ready on time. Possibly she chats her head off because her mother has little energy or strength and she is inspired to be around another, more able bodied mother.

Still dont understand why the dad cant do mornings.

Think about the lessons your daughter is getting. Teaching compassion and kindness. She will carry that through till adulthood.

My mum looked after my two cousins constantly as a child as their brother had leukaemia. He got through it
That experience definitely had an effect on me as an adult as I'm happy to help anyone if I can. Plus as a child I enjoyed it. It was fun having extra 'brothers' around

So many posts on here overlook that the op has been showing this kindness to months for May with jo gratitude or acknowledgement from May's parents.
At the expense of peaceful walks with her own DD who for whatever reason isn't a friend of May's
And all the hearts on sleeves posts have failed to give any examples of where they have done such a thing without an end in sight who has neither befriended nor confided why to them

Agree completely with pp

@FadingMint Maybe if you actually RTFT you would know where the DF is rather than jumping to incorrect conclusions.

op has been showing this kindness to months for May with jo gratitude or acknowledgement from May's parents.

Incorrect. OP has said she has received thanks.

We have I am sure all helped or needed help with a child but to expect it everyday with no real reason and the fact that they obviously knew other dd was applying for a job and possible move so I do think they thought oh well Op walks there ever day so that's sorted then..that is taking kindness for weakness with no gratification and the fact it's gone on longer than it should already is red flags.
I've got sickle cell n yes sometimes end up in hospital but I norm get a different person to help out so it's not a burden on just one and I would explain out of curtesty too.
The dad could take 2 mins just to pop round n say thanks for help n I'd be happy with that but they cant even do that just a text..I do think dads behaviour is rude tbf but I wouldn't mind helping once in a while not everyday...

You are absolutely not BU. You have helped in the short term which was more than kind. This is now NOT your problem. You need to find a lie to break the cycle then not get back into it. I feel sad for the daughter and her mum but it really isn't your problem.

A lot of people have daid they dont know what the mum has... She did, its

Lupus

A condition whos main symptom is overwhelming fatuige plus a shedload of stuff.

My friend has Lupus, as well as my SIL, it is a long term condition, the parents need to find a long term solution to take their dd to school.

tazzle22
Lupus can be mild (by lupus standards), some flare ups that are awful and then less, severe, or life threatening.

We do not know how the mother is day to day.

Either way, the OP has already helped out for a while but doesn't want to be responsible for another child's school run indefinitely.

With the best will in the world, if the mum is so ill all the time that the OP has to be doing her school run then the mum needs to be contacting people to get support put in place rather than relying on someone she's not particularly close to to continue to do her child's school run.

I can't seriously believe the amount of guilt tripping that's going on here

As a disabled mum who has in the past had to keep their DS off school when DH has been away with work and I've had a flare, because I had no one to step in, I'd have paid the OP to do this so at least I was giving something back. I wouldn't have asked in the first place though.

I really don't understand why, if you're going there anyway, you can't take May. If I had a disabled neighbour who was struggling and I was able to, I'd fall over myself to help.

I honestly don't understand how taking another well behaved child on the route you walk every day anyway is at all a burden.

OP-you need to go and talk to the other mother and come up with a plan.

OP, your main issue seems to be how to broach the subject with May’s mum. She’s been pretty direct with you, can you mirror her approach and be direct back?

That’s not to be rude but just something along the lines of -how soon it’s going to be Xmas and you wanted to check in with her that she’s made arrangements for next term for the school drop off as you’re happy to help on an ad hoc basis or for a couple of fixed days a week next term
If needed but need the flexibility to go to school earlier or use the breakfast club or have some one to one mornings with your child, as there are things she likes to discuss by herself as part of prepping for school etc.

You could also give her an opportunity to explain her situation by saying at the end something like if you and x (her husband) are really stuck for a solution, let me know the situation and I can see if I can help you work something out.

Given her direct requests to you, she should be ok with you taking a direct approach back.

Until you have all the facts it’s hard to say what’s the right thing to do here.