To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

FWIW, I can see why you don't want to commit to this for (possibly) the next 2 years, but I did think you should do it, albeit with a few ground rules.

For eg:

•If you're ill, then you can't really ask whoever takes your dd to also take another child.

•If your dd isn't going to school then you're unable to take May.

•If she's late, you can't wait and will have to assume she's not coming and so you will leave at your usual time.

•If you have to leave early for work then you're unable to take May unless the mum's happy for her to go to breakfast club at her own cost, and can have her ready early enough so that you're not late.

I think if you set some ground rules, it would benefit both parties. You could always agree to review things quarterly, etc, so that if anything changes it can be dealt with.

I think because you're not having to go out of your way (& they're nice people), etc, it would be a nice thing to help out.

With ground rules in place, I think it'll teach your child about helping others (but not by being a doormat), and it's the right thing to do, morally speaking.

Whatever you decide though, I'm sure she's grateful for the help you've already given, and will understand why you can't commit on a more permanent basis.

Fwiw, I have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and various other conditions, and I'm definitely worse in the mornings.

I'm just lucky that my dc are now old enough to get themselves up and to school without me.

I took them to school myself all the way through nursery/primary school (with occasional help from my mum), including several years of driving them 48 miles to and from school (12 miles each way).

I did it myself most of the time partly because I had no friends to ask, but mostly because I hated asking someone else for help as it makes me feel pretty useless.

I'm shocked at the amount of people on here that are nauseatingly self centred. The mother didn't choose this situation or enflcit it upon you from her own wrong doing. She needs extra help and it's not putting you out to provide it. I'd think quite little of you to put her in the lurch simply because you don't fancy helping. My faith in humanity has been slightly eroded by this post.

OP, this family's problems are not yours to solve. It is up to them, the school and social services to work out a solution that does not include you doing their work for all of them. You are currently a kind person who's being used, and you recognise this.

I still don't understand why May's dad is unable to take his daughter to school. Why is this?

@fadingmint WTF? No way is the OP being used.

It’s natural for you to feel annoyed if you don’t want to do it but I do think you would be very unreasonable to refuse.

As for the posters saying that if you agree to take her to school then you’ll just get asked for more and more favours - I fucking hate that attitude! You just have to believe that a person won’t do that, and if they do then just say no! It’s no excuse to not help anyone and is an absolutely disgusting attitude to have.

Leontine, I feel you are being naive.

People will and do use your own kindness against you.

That is why I am so opposed to forcing the OP to be kind to anyone who happens to be needy.

I call bollocks on that!

The needy family need to involve the school and social services for a disabled mother, rather than expecting and guilting a random person living nearby to pick up the pieces.

Well here I go.
If all you need to do to make this woman’s life easier is walk her daughter to school when you are going that way anyway is it so awful?
I can totally understand your irritation but it sounds like the benefits to this woman and her child are huge.
It won’t be forever

I totally get it, its not the doing it, its the thought of being committed and tied to doing it for an indeterminate number of years....

I think i would still do it but, clear rules..

Child is at my door at x time, we leave at that time, we do not wait.

I will text you before x time (ie, however long it takes child to walk fromn hers to yours )to let you know if for any reason we have to go early/aren't going at all - you will then need to resolve that yourself.

That way the onus is on her to ensure her child ready and she's checked her phone to make sure theres no last minute change because yours is ill or gone in early etc.

And then have a chat with the child and let her know, nicely, that you are a grumpy so and so first thing and could she be a little less chatty and a little calmer thanks everso.

And repeat - where is the needy family's dad in all this? He also produced that child. Why is he not responsible, too, for getting his child to school?

Having said that, I am aware of many family situations where the father's absence is a bonus. Father's presence is not always good. Depends.

Hmmmm, I can be a bit crabby when I have to commit to things that only benefit another person over and over but even I can't see the issue here.

On one hand you are complaining because she gets there early and you have to talk to her (by the way you don't she's a kid, sit her on the couch/at the table then get on with getting ready, then on the other hand you want her to be early in case you are ready to leave early.

What goes around comes around, maybe one day when you need the help there will be someone there waiting in the wings to do so. Put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel if you genuinely needed the help (it sounds like she does?) and asked someone to do something which effected them in essentially no way whatsoever and they said No, then also think how you would like them to respond and then do the one that feels right.

As they say 'The world needs more kindness'.

I understand why you're feeling a bit huffy about this - it's the fact that you feel put in a position where you can't really say no without looking as if you're being difficult.

Tbh, I'd just do it - with the proviso that others have said re if you're not taking your DD in, she'll have to make own last minute arrangements etc.

I quite like helping others though and I'm a believer in karma - you never know when you're going to need help yourself.

The only thing I would say is that it does invade on your private time with your DD. Perhaps you could say to May's mum that you're happy to help until Christmas but you're missing the chance to chat to your daughter, just the two of you, on the way to school. Ask her to speak about transport to school for after Christmas, or making some other kind of arrangements because you don't want to keep missing time with your DD. You could always say you'd be happy to continue to do it a couple of days per week if that helps - but it may cloud the waters.

As I say, personally I'd do it but I probably would feel that I'm missing prime time with my DD, so you're NBU to feel irritated, especially as she's not a friend of yours.

My litmus test here would be whether DD gets on with the girl. I personally wouldn't be able to do something like this every day anyway as I only walk my own daughter to school two days a week.

It's a shame that the OP is not on a route where the girls can just walk in together, even in Y5 or Y6.

I think many people are kind and helpful but I also think some people do take advantage and can recognise this and use it to their advantage. The poster has stated May’s mum drives May to school when necessary. She has not offered an explanation of her condition.

A family member was a home help for elderly people for SS’s and was frequently asked by the LA to go in and help families who struggled with housework and getting their children to school. This was in Norfolk.
I don’t know about now but help was available then.

I don’t know why you are questioning why the order of my posts are odd Notmyname. My second post is quite identifying and I was deciding whether to share it.

User145
Yes but you are still lack knowledge and emotional intelligence if you think that medical conditions can’t fluctuate or be systematically better in the afternoon. I am better in the morning and worse in the afternoon. My friend with the exact same diagnosis is the opposite. We are different people with different bodies.

I did it myself most of the time partly because I had no friends to ask but mostly becusae I hated asking someone else for help as it makes me feel pretty useless.

ScienceIsTruth
Yes exactly. I do everything to hide how ill I am even from my friends. Having been dropped by a group of friends a few years ago, I am very wary of telling people how I really am. Wtf the expect me to say when they ask me about my weekend idk. Every one is the same. In bed. I skirt round it by talking about what my dd did.

Some people are Cf’s but it doesn’t sound like that here. It will have taken a lot for this woman to ask. That’s why she only asked for short stints. She’s embarassed. Hoping to get better by some miracle. Perhaps she’s going through a bad patch. Who knows.

IT IS VERY DEMEANING TO BE THIS ILL.

Mummy I fail to see how you can say I lack emotional intelligence when you don’t know me. Many people struggle with severe health issues, including members of my family. If May’ mummy suffered from say Multiple Schlerosis or some other similar health issue then she would need all the help she could get. However, she hasn’t shared with the op the details of the medical condition just that she can’t do mornings. There may be some other reason she doesn’t want to do mornings.

I think it depends on the impact on your DC. One of my children only really chats in depth about her life when she’s travelling to early morning swim squad. On those mornings I wouldn’t take another child regularly because they’re important moments for us.

Don't think I've ever seen a thread where people are so on one side on one post then the exact opposite on the next!
As a PP said OP, the only way to sort it long term seems a straight conversation with May's parents, both of them, not just the mother, to see how they can resolve this. You can be there as a last minute help if need be but they need to sort this out themselves.
I say this as someone with CFS and fibromyalgia, single mum, and working. It's not easy, but there will be other options the parents have that yes, may involve paying a CM but if that facilitates the dad working then it will be worth it for them surely.

Why are people assuming that you can't be a cheeky fuckers and sick.

Since when did illness prevent people from.being arseholes ?

For All we know she's burned through half the parents in the village.

Lovely how the op is being held to higher standards than the girls entire family are. They all go off and do what the want without a second thought and can't even be bothered to turn up with a Poundland box of chocolates and offer to at least do the pick.ups when she's feeling up to it.

Selfish or not, I wouldn't want to do it either. I loved those times of walking my DC to school, chattering about the forthcoming day, and wouldn't want to involve another child in that moment. They parents haven't even bothered to have an open conversation with you about how long this will go on for. Have they expressed their thanks in any way, bottle of wine, box of chocs?? Dad needs to consider his work options if they don't fit in with his family's responsibilities. For a limited time I'd help, but indefinitely no.

he mother didn't choose this situation

How do you know, Narcoleptic? The woman in question seems to offered up no information whatsoever.

I was in a situation very similar to this a few years ago only I was the mum who was ill. I will never forget the kindness of people who went out of their way to get my dc to school. I was always brought up knowing that if you can help someone, why wouldn’t you? Yes, ground rules are a good idea but honestly I am amazed you don’t want to help. It was so horrible not being able to do the things for my kids that I was supposed to do as their mum. The help I got from others meant the world to me.
Imagine how you’d feel if it happened to you.

I think YAB a bit U. I wouldn’t mind doing a favour like this for a family who are obviously in need. The little girl will have enough struggles with her mum having a chronic illness as it is.

Interesting thread. I can understand the op's point of view, however I also liked the suggestion made back on the first page i think it was where a poster said just to be happy that in the mornings May would be there to occupy your chatty child, leaving the op to walk to school in peace and quiet.

OP - what does your own partner think of the situation?

For myself i would probably continue to take May but would try and let May's Mum know that there will be times with work commitments etc that she would need to find an alternative solution, possibly at short notice. If May's Mum was ok with this arrangement I would keep it going.

Sometimes these types of commitments pay off later down the track when it is handy to really know quite well another child who can come over to play and fit in with your own family dynamic - as over time you have all gotten to understand each other - that was my experience anyway having looked after another child for quite a while once a week after school. Made for very easy play dates as the kids got older.