To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Yeah it’s not ideal but this poor woman isn’t able to take her own child to school and from the sounds of it, it really isn’t too much bother. I would suck it up and see it as my good deed for the day and karma in the bank.

I would do it, but am also well aware that no good deed goes unpunished and even with the best of intentions sometimes things go pear-shaped. I would say "I can do it on 2/3 days a week, but the other days dont work for me" if I wanted a bit of breathing space/time with dd on the way to school.

From someone who struggles with chronic illness, she won't be taking advantage of you

I also struggle with a chronic illness. As a result of that I've met lots of other sufferers. Some are lovely. Some are total shits. People do not suddenly become saints when they get ill.

From what you've said I don't think she is taking advantage but please do not assume she is innocent purely because she is sick. It doesn't work like that.

OP yes you are being unreasonable

Be a better role model for your own child in terms of 'Lets help people out'

as opposed to 'Fuck everyone, even though I dont know why'

OP you come across as selfish AF

The ignorance around chronic illnesses really does make me despair.

Gems like 'what illness means you can do evening but not mornings' (not the exact words, but along those lines). As someone who has had a chronic illness for 17 years, this type of shit really pisses me off. I thought we had largely moved past that shitty attitude.

"And why are people assuming she's very ill? Someone with chronic fatigue syndrome isn't very ill but might struggle in the morning."

ODFOD. Clearly you have zero experience with this illness but seemmto think you have.

I grew up with a relative who had a chronic illness, she was unable to take me to school when I was young and it was before breakfast clubs. Thankfully there were 2 mums nearby who happily walked me to school with their children. They were going anyway, I walked myself to their houses, it was no bother to them. I'm sure my relative was hugely appreciative.

For heaven's sake.

All the OP has to do is drop in to see May and her parents at the weekend. Find out what the problem is, why the husband can't help out more or change his hours. And then it's up to the OP herself what she wants to do or suggest some help or other people to share the load via the school. Perhaps they can afford a CM or whatever, perhaps the DF can change his hours. NONE OF US KNOW and neither does the OP until she speaks to them.

The OP works herself to all of you saying they spend all day helping this that and the other person.

Oh my goodness OP, no, YANBU! This is such a tricky one. While I understand why people are saying YABU, I think that that may be because they haven’t been in the same situation themselves and as often is the case, how we think we would react and how we do react are 2 very different things. On the surface it seems simple. Just accompany a little girl to school every morning because her mum is unable to do this herself due to illness - do it and you’ll feel all warm and fuzzy about how community spirited you’re being. But the reality is much more subtle than that and anyone who cannot acknowledge that has obvs never been in a similar situation. You offered to do a favour to help someone out who was in need for a limited period of time until the family were able to find an alternative. You were kind in doing so and as it was on your terms, you accepted the temporary extra responsibility, the having to chat on the way to school when you normally wouldn’t and the need to factor someone else’s needs into the equation when planning your day (e.g what’s May going to do when you have an early meeting and your DD has to go to breakfast club). Responsibility for the other child not only extends to getting them there safely each day, but also on time (it’s one thing being late with your own child, but super uncomfortable if you think you’ve made another child late), making them feel comfortable with you (so chatting when you wouldn’t do that with your own child) and the guilt for the days you have to let them down. All for a child who you don’t know well and who isn’t a close friend of your child and a family you aren’t close friends with either. These are small things, but cumulatively a lot to ask and wearing which is why you only feel comfortable taking it on as a short term favour (perhaps more palatable on a longer term basis for a close friend). The problem comes when you no longer feel it’s still a favour, but an obligation which is expected by the child and family simply by virtue of having done it for a while and an assumption that it can’t possibly be of any bother to you. Then the onus on ending the arrangement switches from them saying “thanks, we’ve now found our alternative” to you having to say “sorry but I can’t do this anymore” and feeling like you have to provide a good reason why you can’t which is never going to make you feel good.
I can completely see why you now feel uncomfortable and why alarm bells are going that this is going to gradually become a more permanent obligation given the way it’s come about. I too would worry that without discussing it with you fully, the family may be starting to assume that you are the solution (“could you just do it until the next half term?”).
For the record, I say all this with some degree of experience with a mum at school who I didn’t know at all. She had just had a baby and had a toddler in tow and looked permanently frazzled. We all felt very sorry for her. DH and I offered to help take her child in to and out of school when baby/toddler was crying, carried one of them for her sometimes, pushed the pushchair...small things to hopefully make a bit of her day a bit easier. Very quickly she was asking us to run her child in and out of school while she sat in her car, then to provide impromptu child care after school, take her kid to parties ours was going to at the weekend and then could my DH possibly drive half an hour to go and pick some furniture up for her and deliver it to her home because she couldn’t afford to get it delivered, all with a tone of expectation and limited gratitude. During this time, despite best efforts, we did not become friends. She had a complicated life it seemed, but wasn’t prepared to open up or talk beyond the superficial. Had we been friends it would have been very different, not least because i’d have understood more deeply how I was helping (and perhaps how I could help more) and had some reassurance in her character that I wasn’t been taken advantage of. I’ve done many of these things for friends without question in the past and vice versa. Without any context being provided, quickly I started to feel resentful and like we’d been identified as a free childcare option to make her life easier regardless of how it complicated ours. Extracting yourself from a situation like that is painful and doesn’t ever make you feel good about yourself (“am I a bad person because I don’t want to help someone?” constantly chips away at you). It has made me very wary of offering help to anyone i’m not on good friend terms with first.

This has been way longer than intended OP - sorry for that. My advice would be initially to have an informal chat with the Mum. Perhaps wait until one of the days when your DD genuinely needs to go into breakfast club so it comes more naturally and say something along the lines of “Sorry but I have an early meeting so DD needs to go to breakfast club on Wednesday. Hopefully it’s not too hard to find alternative arrangements for that day for May. On that note, have you been able to sort something out for after Xmas? I really don’t mind helping you out this term, but i’m very conscious that when I can’t do it, especially at short notice, i’m leaving you high and dry. I’d feel so much more comfortable if I knew you had a more reliable solution, or even other parents you could call on so we could share the favour between us and cover each other when need be.” I think if you said something and got it back on your terms you’d feel more comfortable with the situation. Also, if she could involve some other parents, it may be that your DD could join the group and free you up from the school run every now and again.
Also, if May’s in Y4, she’s plenty old enough to understand the concept of “morning person”. Why not say to her very nicely/jokey “Sorry May, i’m Not much of a morning person...my brain doesn’t start to engage with my mouth until after 9am. I am listening though”...at the end of the day, you don’t know what kind of life she has at home. She might have no-one to talk to and be missing her sister, so just having 15 mins to bend your ear may make a difference to her.
I don’t envy you OP and certainly don’t think badly of you. I hope they get a solution soon so you can go back to enjoying the school run and you can spend time with May without feeling compromised

I think the Op has shown community spirit. There's a family who don't appear to have gone to any effort to befriend the OP or thank her, who have a daily expectation that she will take their very chatty girl to school.
That girl isn't even very good friends with OPs daughter
Every morning OPs daughter misses out on a quiet walk with her mum so another girl can chat to her mum.
Every.Single.school.day
Ops family lifestyle choices are supposed to be flipped over to accommodate the other family's choices. Could the dad be a carer could the mother pay for other support to get her child to school
Could the school do more.
Nope OP and her daughter must it seems do all the morning runs because they happen to live on that road
Everyone saying I'd do it. How many of you have have actually done anything like it for someone who isn't or hasn't quickly become a friend?
I think a simple what are your plans for after the Christmas holidays is polite and fairly clear.

If the mother is really ill or struggling, or you think this girl is neglected, please do help out, for the girls’ sake --and the good karma even if you dont believe in it—
Strange about the husband though. Need to read the whole thread for more details on him.

Hi OP I've not been able to rtft but just wanted to say I was in a similar situation to Mays Mum the only difference in our situations were that I was unable to pick my son up.

I was advised by my GP and the schools family liaison officer about the council possibly being able to help with the transport. I had no help and couldn't continue to pay over £100 per week for taxis which meant my only option was to home school.

I had to send in letters from my consultant and GP to confirm my diqgnoses and their impact and in less than 2 weeks they had set up a taxi service for my son to school and back again. The drivers were CRB checked, they took my son straight into reception each day and picked up from there. Its reviewed once a year and they just need a letter to confirm if the situation is still the same. It's certainly worth looking into.

mum

That's exactly people are over simplifying it far to much and have sone weird fuzzy idea of it being what people in villages do etc

Except it often goes further than what's initially agreed.

You worry as you say on.days they can't do it. You worry that they will get funny cos your ill and your dp does the school run.instead And the.kid doesn't know them.

Days they run late and it makes you run late too or you get stuck.im traffic and now have the worry that you now.jabe to kids doing the walk of shame through the office door and hoping the other parents will understand.

And yes it extends to parties or you end up taking the friemd from down the road as they stayed over to which your dd wasn't invited etc

To the suggestion that it is teaching OPs daughter to be a help to those in need, it really isn't its teaching her to be a doormat to the wants of others trumping her own wants.
There are other options because not every child whose parent is too ill to get them to school has an accommodating OP figure on the road to take them.

@mumslave sums it up really well. I’d want to hear Mum was trying to get in place transport/awaiting a wheelchair/awaiting help from social services.

No I wouldn't do it and it does not make you selfish for not wanting to do it long term. If the mothers ill then the father needs to step up or they need to make a long term plan for breakfast club. It is selfish of them to expect you do it.

Op has been anything but selfish to the mum, helping out before, when the other dd could not get the girl to school, so reel it in why don't you, to the martyrs out there.

I agree Beansarevil, it does not seem that the parents have done much to investigate other options: like home to school transport at the Council, childminders, or adjusting the dad's hours to accommodate taking his dd to school. All this responsibility is heaped on op, with no end date in sight. Which isen't fair at all.

It certainly does not seem like the parents are bothered to get to know op, or to befriend the person doing them a huge favour and ask if she is ok with it, and just expect her to pick up their dd, in that respect they
sound like CF. Op you are under no obligation to this person, give them an end date, say Christmas, so that they can look at other options, then cease. If they have nobody, like Beans situation, she may have to get a consultant's letter regarding her illness, and apply for home to school transport.

I don't like people who haven't the first idea as to how difficult it is for those wirh severe illness and disabilities

But how do you know this woman has a serious illness or disability, SillySally? There's so much projecting going on on this thread.

You have heard how difficult it is to get any sort of help these days?

But on this thread we've heard of people who have been able to get help. Certainly government guidance on school transport is to the effect that LAs should make provision where parents are unable to take their children to school through disability, as part of their duty to make reasonable adjustments. There's no indication that OP's neighbour has tried.

So you think a young adult should put their life on hold or indeed never move away so they can do a schhol drop off? Really?

Where has anyone said that? Other issues apart, it's absurd to suggest the drop-off will be necessary for ever.

Absolutely horrified you have to ask Mumsnet a question about this teeny tiny thing you are doing to help someone in need, genuinely horrified, you (and all the other posters with no compassion) should be ashamed of yourself. By the grace of god go I!!

Haven't rtwt but ynbu.

If she feels wiped out as op put it when she took maya one day I think she could deal with that a couple times a week. She could do mon and fri? I couldn't find where it says her illness though.
Maybe I lack sympathy because I have very ill family members and friends.

If you’re going that way anyway,you’re not really going out of your way.I’m lucky to have my health and not rely on anyone.May’s Mam is probably feeling far shittier about this than you are.May will look back one day and remember your kindness whilst remembering her Mam’s disability.It’s up to you ultimately.

The takeaway from this whole thread is that you definitely need to have a chat.
Find out what they’re struggling with and offer what sits happily with you.
Don’t get stuck doing something you resent or you and all the DCs will be miserable.

I am a childminder and take children to school four days a week. Although I'm doing it anyway for my own children, there is of course a responsibility taking other people's children. It is an added stress. The one day I don't have other children I get to talk to MY children. About their day, what is in store for them. Our walk to school, is carefree and joyous. You simply can't do this with other children to look after. This time is so precious to me. No matter how much anybody begs, I never give up this one day.

Could the drop off be shared by you and one or more families?

OP, you are doing a lovely thing, but I would never persist a favour which detracted from my family time, it is too precious.

The council can help provide transportation for the child if the mum is unable to take her to school due to a disability or a serious illness.
Maybe it's worth suggesting to May's mum so she can speak to the school about it.

They knew Op was gonna say yes and are not gonna stop this arrangement and I could bet a million they gonna be asking for more favours soon and sleepovers etc forced on op...