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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take this child to school?

748 replies

EveryoneButSam · 28/10/2018 11:56

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest Smile. Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

OP posts:
AnnieanoniMouse · 28/10/2018 21:27

What sort of father leaves a mother to deal with a child getting to school when she can't physically do it?

One who knows other arrangements have been made because he NEEDS to go to work earlier than his DD goes to school because he has to pay the mortgage, the bills, buy the food and everything else as the sole income earner...

If the OP doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. It’s that simple.
If she wants to know why the Dad can’t or what other options they’ve looked at she can ask.

I wouldn’t mind doing it at all if I felt May’s mum wasn’t a CF, so I’d have got to know May’s Mum better by now and had a better idea if she was genuine or a CF.

People saying the sister shouldn’t have moved away for her job...seriously? You’d deny a young woman the opportunity of a job/career/whatever so she could do the school run? Madness.

If I felt May’s Mum was genuine, I would be happy I was able to help someone who genuinely needs help.

OhEctoplasmOnIt · 28/10/2018 21:29

Errr yes, I agree the sister shouldn't have moved away if the parents can't cope. Why is it OK for the parents to burden a neighbour and not their daughter?

Thatsnotmybookworm · 28/10/2018 21:31

I think you need to talk to the other Mum face to face, try to suss out the situation a bit more; has she asked you because she genuinely thinks you don't mind; is she really looking for another solution; what are the Dad's limitations to getting involved?
You could also agree to doing it say 3 days per week rather than 5 and see what happens on the other days, might give you some indication whether they have other available options.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/10/2018 21:31

People saying the sister shouldn’t have moved away for her job...seriously? You’d deny a young woman the opportunity of a job/career/whatever so she could do the school run? Madness

I never said she shouldn't have moved. I just said that with knowing she was moving away that they should have had a plan of some kind.

And if op was it then one of them.should have had the decency to talk to her about it.

Not explaining it makes them cheeky fuckers

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 21:32

Errr yes, I agree the sister shouldn't have moved away if the parents can't cope. Why is it OK for the parents to burden a neighbour and not their daughter?

So you think a young adult should put their life on hold or indeed never move away so they can do a schhol drop off? Really? Hmm

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/10/2018 21:33

OP on a practical note - and if you felt offering a few suggestions was the way to go - there's a great link below which explains that, under the DDA, the local authority may have to provide transport

Obviously I don't know whether your neighbour's registered disabled or not, but it might at least be a start?

static.carers.org/files/8-transport-5057.pdf

altiara · 28/10/2018 21:36

OP- I’d say what puzzledandpissedoff suggested to the neighbour. As you don’t know her, she could be desperately trying to sort out a childminder and her husband trying to get a new job....or might they not be. At least then you’ll know.

Are you being unreasonable? No, you shouldn’t have to do what you don’t want to do.
Would I do it? Probably, but as it’s not for a friend I would get fed up and prefer as hoc.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/10/2018 21:39

So you think a young adult should put their life on hold or indeed never move away so they can do a schhol drop off? Really?

So now op is responsible for ensuring the dd can work
The dh can work
And the kid gets to school

Anything else you want to lay at her door

GabriellaMontez · 28/10/2018 21:41

I wouldn't be happy doing this on what appears to be an indefinite basis.

Id behaving a chat with her about the longer term plans. Perhaps saying id be back at work in January.

It speaks volumes about this family that they haven't approached you to have this conversation. There are some really cheeky fuckers out there. I have no idea if they are or not...

Have a chat.

Bimgy85 · 28/10/2018 21:42

Yanbu

No way! I hate having people impact on my daily routine/morning routine if it's not necessary, yes it's ok for a week or two but not forever, you need to chat to the mum to advice or ask her what she thinks of a permanent solution.

takemebacktothe90s · 28/10/2018 21:42

From someone who struggles with chronic illness, she won't be taking advantage of you. I struggle to get up and going and now don't even make drs appointments before 9.40 unless I really have too. Be kind to her, maybe say you could do it every other day instead or something, then you will get some time with your own children too.

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 21:43

So now op is responsible for ensuring the dd can work
The dh can work
And the kid gets to school

OP walks to school with her DD. She doesn't have to go out of her way to take the other DC. Hardly laying stuff at the door is it?

OP can do it or not do it but to say it would be going way out of her way or a big inconvernience to do so is OTT

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 21:45

So clear from this thread that some people have no idea what it is like to live with a chronic illness or disability.

tallulahwullah · 28/10/2018 21:46

You have no choice totally forced into it
You can't win.
Even if you enjoy the time alone with your DD you can't not take other one.
I feel sorry for the mum but I also would want at least an end date but most do gooders will do it blindly & not wonder this.
Good luck I hope you don't end up stuck for a couple of years but I think you have to suck it up cos mums especially canbe bitchy ill or not!!!

Jlynhope · 28/10/2018 21:49

It doesn't matter if people on here don't have a chronic illness, it is still not OP's responsibility. And you have no clue what her disability even is.
I'm responsible for my ds, I don't get to pawn him off on strangers because I have a disease.

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 21:51

I'm responsible for my ds, I don't get to pawn him off on strangers because I have a disease.

Wow.

OhEctoplasmOnIt · 28/10/2018 21:52

I have a chronic illness, it is my burden and I don't let it affect strangers or my children actually.

Sugarformyhoney · 28/10/2018 21:52

There is funding in certain parts of the country. I know I’m my county school transport would support with this.
Schools sometimes have their own budgets sometimes from pupil premium for example and also, Early Help and occasionally charities can offer financial help in these situations.
Just because it doesn’t happen in certain areas doesn’t mean it’s totally unavailable. May has the right to an education and if the parents can prove they can’t facilitate this then county have to step in.
I don’t think the op is selfish.

cuntbridge · 28/10/2018 21:54

I cannot believe the number of CFs who think you should be responsible for someone else child.

Regardless of whether they have a disability, the OP did not have the child and nor did they assume responsibility for them.

Disgraceful how many people seem to think they did.

OP - just say it's not convenient and you're sorry. Done.

cuntbridge · 28/10/2018 21:56

And to the CFs who think the sister should have sorted out provision for help before she moved - are you deluded? She's got an opportunity to do better and she's taken it. She didn't have or choose to have the disabled sister so why should she be burdened?!

Zoflorabore · 28/10/2018 21:57

I think op sounds lovely and anything but selfish, far from it.

I'm reading it that whilst op is happy to do it short term she doesn't want to do it until the end of year 6.
Op is there a back up plan?

I live in a small Close where several of my close friends live and we all have girls in the same primary school between the ages of 4-9. I've lost count of the times we've taken each other's girls without notice though it normally ends up that the parent who doesn't do the morning run will do the afternoon run.

I have a chronic illness and am extremely stiff of a morning but I don't like to rely on anyone else unless I'm really bad.
I have a chest infection at the moment and am really unwell and know that either of my friends will be happy to take my dd (7) tomorrow. We help one another out in so many ways, our girls are all super close and nobody has to go out of their way.

cuntbridge · 28/10/2018 21:58

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Gileswithachainsaw · 28/10/2018 22:04

Op is there a back up plan?

I think op was it.

So whilst she's enabling the husband to work and the dd to move away and the kid to get to school all for people who can't even take 2 seconds to even bloody talk to her, everyone is making sure she's aware just how few services are available for good measure.

Takes the piss.

SleightOfMind · 28/10/2018 22:09

Be honest with yourself about how resentful you feel about this.

You have done this for 6 months already, and are contemplating possibly doing it for the next 2 yrs. It’s completely irrelevant what we would do in similar circs as we’re not you.

I’m a big fan of not being a bloody martyr unless there’s a real need.
While the ‘chatty’ little girl might enjoy talking to you on the way to school, she might also be chatty because she senses that you resent her presence and is trying to appease you.

Talk to the mother about some of the solutions suggested here (DF dropping at breakfast club/you only dropping off two days a week etc).

I have a similar situation with a neighbour who is on her own with two DC. She knows we leave at 8.10 and I’m always happy to be asked to do a drop off or pick up at short notice.
When her symptoms have been particularly severe, this has been a whole term thing but the children are sweet, they meet us on the road, on the way and are on time.
I’ve never felt taken advantage of or used and it’s easy to say no if it’s inconvenient.

Crucially, I only do it when I’m happy to. If you’re not, you must say this kindly and firmly.
My DM used to guilt trip people into looking after us. It was horrible and we always knew they didn’t want us there.

cpark · 28/10/2018 22:11

I was that child, my mum was in a wheelchair from when I was 7, we had no one else really, I was a child carer, getting up sorting my mums medication and doing washing, trying to act like everything was normal in school, I had to walk myself no choice really.

Do what you can, you don't have to overly commit you don't know how big a impact a simple walk to school might be

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