To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

"What's wrong with the dad altering his hours so that he can take his child to school!"
Just like that, eh? What world do you like in??

Totally agree with dancing you have been extremely kind it’s unfair for this to continue open ended. Ignore the keyboard virtue signallers. Where is dad?

Exactly Bertrand! How many tradesmen (for example) can just ask their boss to start working when the sites are shut??

I live in a world where we had to cut down and do without.
No free loading available here.
I also was brought up to always, always thank people for their kindness and always, always repay people.
That's the world I live in.
Oh and also putting my children first, not passing them over to a stranger whom I had never even met which is what this dad has done.

Strangely, some dads do manage to shift their hours so they can take children to school. Or collect them. And I've also known dads say they couldn't possibly do it because they can't be bothered.

What's wrong with the dad altering his hours so that he can take his child to school!
Just like that, eh? What world do you like in??

Then what were they planning on doing when the dd moved out or got her new job. And why aren't they doing it.

Yes some dads do change hours, some dads are lazy fuckers but it’s not always as easy as the dad asking to change hours if they are in a profession which is bound by site hours etc.

Well that’s the thing Giles no ones knows because despite living int he same street the Op hasn’t had this conversation with the people she is doing a favour for

StoorieHoose How do you even know he's a tradesman? So much projecting going on in this thread! Maybe he's asked for flexible hours and his boss declined the request, or maybe he hasn't asked because he just assumes the nice neighbour will carry on helping them. Nobody knows! But I think it's pretty bad he's never bothered to say a single word to the woman who is taking his kid to school every day.

... and people decry the loss of community and community spirit. ! Doesn't it take a village to raise a child ?
No OP you don't HAVE to do this. It probably means you would have to put yourself out a tiny bit for the benefit of someone less fortunate. So if you don't have that in your soul , don't worry about it.

Personally - I couldn't NOT do it. I started taking my 'neighbours' child to school in yr 7. The neighbour is nearly a mile in the opposite direction. I offered because her husband had just left her,and her youngest was as primary (also rural area) . Making her early morning trip a nightmare.
I was taking my daughter in my way to work. I volunteered to pick hers up . Because the reality was an 2 mile drive to help someone - and I could do that.

The girls are now in yr 13 and for the last 2 yrs we've split the driving now youngest at same school and I have made a very dear friend. Amazing things happen when kindness is offered without expectation of reward .

Well that’s the thing Giles no ones knows because despite living int he same street the Op hasn’t had this conversation with the people she is doing a favour for

But you apparently know enough to say the dad cabt change his hours

I'm just asking more than anything else if you think it's possible that the dad not helping out and the fact that the dd has been unable to continue if they just assumed shed do it.
Cos personally I do think that there's a good chance they are taking the piss.

Because I honestly think that when your dd tells you that they can't do it any more and your partner is apparently so in flexible that you would have a solid back up plan no?

What's wrong with the dad altering his hours so that he can take his child to school!

Well as has been said it's not always that fucking simple.

Ok so not always do able but again, he might have to do what thousands of other parents do and work a weekend job/evening job.

Again not that fucking simple

And not even bringing the op a gift in recognition of what she has done is awful and totally ungrateful.

They have said thank you. RTFT

Serves him right if the op said no more.

I don't like ungrateful cfs.

I don't like people who haven't the first idea as to how difficult it is for those wirh severe illness and disabilities.

They've had a fair bit of time to alter their schedules in order that one parents takes child to school and the other picks the child up.

I’m not projecting any more than the posters who write ‘why Can’t the dad change his hours’ what I’m trying to point out is that it’s not that fucking simple to ‘just change your hours’ for the vast majority of people (not just dads) and that no one actually knows the ins and outs of the family situation cos the OP hasn’t ask/been told

I'm disabled and the school run is difficult for me to do in that although I'd probably be fine I could suddenly become very ill and not be able to keep DC safe (yes, this is also the case at home but that's a risk we can't avoid). We are lucky because DH can generally cover it but if he couldn't it would be an absolute nightmare. In that situation it would mean the world if someone else could help out. Put yourself in her shoes. She probably feels crap asking you, it feels rubbish not being able to do basic stuff like this for your kids. It doesn't put you out but means so much to her!

I’m amazed given the kindness and friendship the OP has shown May’s mum that she hasn’t come round for a cup of tea or chat to get to know the OP better and thank her / get a thank you gift

And what I'm trying to point out is that they knew full well for some weeks no doubt that the dd would no longer be able to take the kid.

Quite possibly for years the dad would have known whether or not his stuff could be changed

The fact the op has been given no end date. Or even graced with any conversation what so ever, and let's face it if it was temporary shed have said to start with,

The more I think.about it the more inclined I am to think that all this is to try and guilt op into carrying on and ultimately they had no intention of sorting it themselves.

If someone's kindness meant the world to me I'd ensure that my DH recognised and also personally thanked the woman who was facilitating their life on a daily basis, yet OP says he hasn't acknowledged her or got to know her.
I appreciate May's family have a lot on their plate, but if you were the DF wouldn't you at least say hello to OP who by her actions allows him to continue working

I guess I need to talk to her but I just don’t know how to approach her

I understand your concern, but surely it doesn't have to be complicated? Since she's the one who asked you to extend, how about a simple "just wondered what arrangements you've made for after Christmas?" or even "how are the arrangements going for (ditto)?"

She might surprise you with "oh, I'm planning such and such" or then again you might get "ooooo I don't know, it's so difficult". If it's the second, empathise with their problem, gently mention that Christmas is your limit and offer some (pre prepared) suggestions so you don't feel you're walking away too abruptly

That way, you can show a friendly interest in how they're getting on, and how they approach sorting it out themselves might well help with your decision

I appreciate May's family have a lot on their plate, but if you were the DF wouldn't you at least say hello to OP who by her actions allows him to continue working

^ This.

Seriously if the husband can't change his hours and the mum can't get up in the morning then their whole situation needs to change, if something happened and the op moved away they'd need to sort it out so they need to do it now.

I’m perplexed. The OP should not be responsible for this child. They were almost strangers before this “arrangement” started.

If the disabled parent doesn’t have family to ask she should ring social services and ask for help from them. That’s what they’re for.

What about if the OP is ill, or her child is ill and can’t get to school? May isn’t going to make it to school is she. And why should the OP have that to add to her list of “responsibilities” if she’s ill.

Now and again to help granted, but it should not be the OPs responsibility for another parent being disabled.

Where does the op say that the father has personally thanked the op and shown his appreciation?
I must have missed that.
The father is not severely disabled is he?
He also must work full time as he is unable to get to breakfast club/ child minders/pick his child up after school.

The up is enabling him to work full time and receive the benefits of that.
Yet he doesn't have the basic decency to pop round with a £2 box of chocolates!!!!!

He is a cheeky fucker and quite frankly if I'd have had a neighbour as great as the op id have been going out of my way with gratitude.

If the disabled parent doesn’t have family to ask she should ring social services and ask for help from them. That’s what they’re for.

You have heard how difficult it is to get any sort of help these days?

I would hope that if I needed any help due to illness that I'd have somebody I could trust with my child to make sure they get to school safely. If it's not a hinderance to you, (which by the sounds of it, it isn't as you're not being made late and you're simply waiting for a neighbour to walk with you to school) the child isn't rude and is polite and is friendly with your child I don't see the issue with continuing to help out this family that are obviously in need of your help or else they wouldn't have asked.