To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

But surely the Op has actually been asked? May didn’t chap the door one morning and assume she was walking with them

The Op really needs to have a conversation with Mays mum not post on MN to get the opinion of ransoms

This thread is so weird. No one on here, including the OP, know what the neighbour's health issue is and yet people keep popping up saying things like, "she's desperately ill", "she's in agony", and my personal favourite, "the poor woman is living from moment to moment in a living hell". The other assumption is that the father of the child simply cannot and should not be expected to sort out his own child. Another, probably more likely, possibility is that while the nice lady down the street is taking responsibility for his child he doesn't have to give it any thought. Well he should have to give it thought. Asking strangers to provide long term solutions for your family's child care arrangements is not on.

You have been very kind doing what you have done for the past few weeks OP, but you are not unreasonable to not want the responsibility indefinitely.

I’ve actually never spoken to the dad. Just about recognise him as I’ve seen him at school very occasionally. I have no idea what his working hours or job is like.

I’ll just reiterate for the posters who possibly haven’t read the full thread (or chosen to ignore it) that I have done and will continue to do plenty of helping out. I’ve done school runs, club runs, had kids over, babysat, sleepovers, all the normal stuff people do to help each other. I’ve done it for months when a close friend needed help. I recently offered to do regular school runs for another close friend who was starting a new job and had a complicated childcare situation (she decided to use the breakfast club instead). I still stand by the fact that every day open ended help for someone I don’t really know is different. Fair play to the people who would willingly do it anyway.

It feels like cf situation because they have discussed it with you. To me it reads ‘x is always walking to school, if we send her over it’s no bother to them’
If this was me, I’d definitely be saying I’m so sorry, my OH leaves for work at 6 and it’s too early for dd or he’s trying to change his hours to help out or I should be getting a wheelchair and be taking her when it arrives etc. I would be very aware that it was a responsibility for someone else and quite imposing. Then I’m sure op would be more than happy to help.

You know I was the mum that did this. Until I said I couldn’t on my eldest son’s leaving day. I had said I would take my son and some classmates along to the leaving activity in my car. To my amazement the Head was waiting for me to say the mum couldn’t make it and I would have to take her son. I said I couldn’t, I didn’t have room and I was taking son and classmates to their leaving do. Queue Mexican standoff between me and Head. As I was taking the children I passed a pub, it was a boiling hot day, and who do you think was laying in the grass with a group of people drinking.

dancingdog exactly.
Perhaps the dad will have to do what thousands of other parents do, sort out his own child.

@DancingForTheDog absolutely agree. She could’ve been told by Drs she needed to exercise and it would improve things but finds mornings hard. No one has a clue.
She could just be like someone I know, bloody lazy, claiming disability and very overweight. We all have no idea. The op has a valid reason to wonder.

I feel like we are making May's mom a saint because she is ill.
May's mom can be ill and still taking advantage of OP. Having a disease doesn't automatically make you a good person who would never use someone.
I would probably do it, but OP doesn't want to and that's ok.Granted my ds has sn's so he is homeschool part time so I wouldn't be reliable. OP does deserve to have an actual conversation about this rather than it being assumed she'll keep doing it. If the mom is waiting for resources than she should let OP know this. You don't just start relying on someone long term without asking them.

Just to clarify from pp’s point, May’s mum certainly did ask me, she didn’t just chuck May in my general direction! I have taken her to school ad hoc before when the big sister couldn’t and have always said it’s no bother (which on an ad hoc basis it really wasn’t). Maybe she thought I would be happy to do it on that basis and hasn’t given any thought to any other solution. Or she may be frantically working on something, I just don’t know! I guess I need to talk to her but I just don’t know how to approach her.

It would depend on the long term illness for one.

I really get what you're saying, it would annoy me too, it's the responsibility of someone else's responsibility, who you do not know.

The flip side is it doesn't put you out, or hasn't yet.

It would totally depend on what was wrong with mum to me.

I would not be able to do this at all. I must be the most selfish person here but I would feel really stressed if I had to bring another child to school in the morning.
I think you are a saint for doing what you have done so far for a complete stranger.

If it was me, I would say yes I will do it until Christmas but what's the plan for January?
I would melt with embarrassment but I couldn't do it for 2 years, even for a close friend without knowing the full story.

I think you are a great person.

Finally a voice of reason, DancingForTheDog!

@dancingforthedog
That made me laugh out loud!
No one on here, including the OP, know what the neighbour's health issue is and yet people keep popping up saying things like, "she's desperately ill", "she's in agony", and my personal favourite, "the poor woman is living from moment to moment in a living hell"

Yes YABU and sound incredibly selfish! Her poor mum shame on you.

I wouldn't agree to anymore without knowing what the illness involved and what the dads job was.

And then I would give a fixed deadline. I do not like other people's obligations and I like having a flexible morning.
You're amazing for everything you've done so far but they either need to be more transparent or sort their responsibilities.

@Smiler88 wouldn't selfish have been saying no straight away?

Oh shut up smiler

You know I was the mum that did this. Until I said I couldn’t on my eldest son’s leaving day. I had said I would take my son and some classmates along to the leaving activity in my car. To my amazement the Head was waiting for me to say the mum couldn’t make it and I would have to take her son. I said I couldn’t, I didn’t have room and I was taking son and classmates to their leaving do. Queue Mexican standoff between me and Head. As I was taking the children I passed a pub, it was a boiling hot day, and who do you think was laying in the grass with a group of people drinking

Bloody hell!! That’s really cheeky. The head was also way out of line though!

The thing is OP that you've never asked for this, it's arrived on your doorstep and through good nature and kindness, you've gone along with it.

But if the Mum can't be responsible for getting her child to school, she needs to find a suitable alternative that doesn't rely on putting other people out and their generosity. We all have difficulties and crosses to bear but it's not the responsibility of everyone else to deal with it. What sort of father leaves a mother to deal with a child getting to school when she can't physically do it?

@Smiler88

Yes YABU and sound incredibly selfish! Her poor mum shame on you.

Why? Overdramatise the situation. Are you by chance May’s mum?

@rookiemere I think yes, honesty would be better.
Instead of please do this half term, then can you do til Christmas, next will be til Easter. Just say, in two years May can walk by herself, please take her til then.

Op, ignore the holier than thou, sounds like yiu have done loads for people, including this woman. Just do what you feel yiu need to do!

Smiler how original🤔🤔

I cannot believe the hard time some PPs are giving the OP.

The neighbour is not known to her and she has kindly been doing this for a while already - well done OP - you ARE a kind caring person.

I would feel the same as you. I see the time I walk my children to school as a time for conversation with them - not managing someone else's child, as sweet as they may be.

The girls has 2 parents, and her mum can get up earlier, drop her off, then go home to rest again - spend time with HER daughter. Or HER dad can make changes to support his family rather than expecting a stranger to keep helping them.

Sounds harsh, I know, but you have done your bit and don't listen to PPs trying to make you feel bad. She's not a CF, but as time goes by without change she will start feeling like one. Also, if she manages when you can't do it, then it us manageable.

What's wrong with the dad altering his hours so that he can take his child to school!
Ok so not always do able but again, he might have to do what thousands of other parents do and work a weekend job/evening job.
And not even bringing the op a gift in recognition of what she has done is awful and totally ungrateful.

Serves him right if the op said no more.

I don't like ungrateful cfs.