To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

may’s dad could be at work HOURS before the breakfast club starts! No everyone works 9-5 with the ability to change their working hours. Can some of you really not realise that?

And that's ops problem how?

She's supposed to care when no other family does?

YANBU. I'm in the same position as May's mother, and her communication is poor. While she doesn't need to divulge all the details of her illness by any means, the arrangement she's requesting does require more communication. Most people don't enter into long-term arrangements without some understanding of the length/nature of the need, and this isn't unreasonable. You've been very kind to help out, but unless I was given a better idea of what arrangements May's mother was seeking post-Christmas, I would be questioning whether I was able to continue as well.

It’s not the OPs problem. The OPs problem is that she doesn’t want to do it but can’t face saying ‘no more’ to a woman she hardly knows

Obviously the other mum doesn't want to admit that this will be a long term expectation of the OP. I think that would get my back up as well.

The father should be making arrangements such as taking the DD to breakfast club or asking his employer if he can start later as he has mitigating circumstances.

Getting the child to school safely is the parents responsibility not the OP's and she is reasonable not to want to be responsible for someone else's child. Obviously it would be different if it was a friend or relatives child. The only connection the OP and the parent have is having DC at the same school from her posts.

Also those saying dad should step up - it’s not always that simple. Dad might not have a job that can just be flexible.

He may, he may not. The point is that all those saying that OP should carry on indefinitely don't know. On the facts as presented, May's mum has never bothered to explain why her husband can't help, and the assumption has to be that it's at least possible that he could.

There is a lot of projecting going on. May's mother could have a terrible chronic condition, May's father might be sacked if he asked for flexibility on starting work, and they might not be able afford to pay for care. None of these might be true.

The real issue seems that the OP has effectively been held at arm's length and has no idea. If she is trusted to take May to school, May's parents should be willing to communicate and discuss possible alternative solutions.

do people really think not many other people would do this?

Not at all; I'd do it myself - and have - just like many other mums I've known, either because of illness or something else

But as OP has said repeatedly, it's not about offering an occasional helping hand or even a term's worth of it ... it's about an (apparent) open ended commitment, which I freely admit I wouldn't be too comfortable with either

With the greatest of respect, the 'and I didn't ask anyone for help' bit does de facto confirm you have not, in fact, ever been in 'Mays' Mum's shoes'. Had you been, you would have been past the point of health deterioration you describe

With even greater respect, Notmyname, you simply don't know any of this, because OP doesn't know. We don't know what illness May's mum has, for all we know she may be recovering and not deteriorating.

If she can do the school pick up and she has a father who goes to work, then I’m sorry the long term solution is that the father drops the child to breakfast club on his way to work. This is what families have to do. Just because they want to drop her later doesn’t mean someone else should take her. Short term of one day a week possibly but every day? That would drive me nuts.

How old is May? Please don’t be so selfish

This is getting like Cancel the cheque. April2020, OP has already told us how old May is, and she is blatantly being the reverse of selfish given that she is and has been prepared to take May to school for the whole of the longest term in the school year.

@bananacakes. What if the father starts work at 6? Do any breakfast clubs start at that time? Not everyone works 9-5

I’ve had kids to stay while parents are away, I’ve walked kids home, more than happy to help out but it’s not fair as an every day arrangement. My kids love our morning chats and would not want to share mum every day.

It’s taken me a year to get the help I need (a wheelchair) and it’s still not sorted yet so it’s possible May’s mum could be waiting on “official” help and it’s taking time to get that into place.

@StoorieHoose what if he leaves at 8. You can what if all you like. If he started at 6 he’d probably help his poor wife at 3.30pm with the school run.
You can’t expect people to do things like this every day. If OP comes back and yes it’s too early, fine there’s a reason, but it could easily not be the case.

@bananacakes. What if the father starts work at 6? Do any breakfast clubs start at that time? Not everyone works 9-5

What if op wasn't hear by?

If nothing else she's entitled to some kind of explanation.

What were they planning on doing when the older dd moved away? What was the plan for then cos presumably she applied interviewed etc there was time then to get a plan together.

I really hope the dad is personally thanking you op , and has bought you a very good present.
Otherwise this is beyond cfery.

@Thislife2018 this is key, OP needs to know what’s being put in place, why the dad can’t takd her etc etc. It helps make a decision and think things out.

Then the Op has a chat with the family that is asking her the favour surely? Everyone (including the Op) is saying ‘what if’ cos no one knows. Only the Op is the position to be able to find out

Could OP just have a conversation with May's mum and ask how long she thinks she'll need help for?

I would like to think that if I were asked a similar favour, I would do it without a second thought. And I probably would. I can also imagine that I would start to find it a chore, so I don't think OP is being unreasonable for not wanting the situation to continue.

I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement at all, let alone long term. It’s too much to expect you to do this forever with the odd thanks by text.

Trust me, no-one who didn't have to - who literally had no choice but to - would be asking another school mum they barely knew to be dropping their DD to school

OK, nobody can know this, I know many mums who dump their kids on people they barely know for convenience. Stop projecting.

@StoorieHoose - great minds thinking alike

But the family shouldn't have put her in this position on the first place.

She should have been asked.

If the dad can't help then actually it sounds entirely possible that they assumed befire they'd even asked that op could do it. Because the condition is hardly a surprise and the dd was taking her befire

What other conclusion is there besides they are being cheeky.