To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Really? Don't we help our neighbours any more especially ones who need support through no fault of their own?

Not many people like you around, OP!

Is this actually true? Not that I don’t think it’s nice of you to take her, OP. But do people really think not many other people would do this? I think pretty much every one of my close friends who does the school run would say yes if one of their neighbours was in this position. Depressing to think that for some people this would be an unusual act of kindness

As for the situation itself, I would carry on doing it OP. Sorry if I missed you saying but how long is the walk? I hate being around people I don’t know well and feel awkward in most people’s company so I can sympathise there. But I’d have to suck up this relatively small amount of uncomfortable time if it meant I could really help someone out

No not if they are only 4- too much of a commitment. That probably makes me sound like a bitch but so be it.

If i were friends with the mum I would offer though and be happy to but not if I wasnt.

Oh wait YEAR 4. In that case offer until she turns 9 then she can walk alone. I walked alone at this age.

I do think it's weird she hasn't gotten to know you better or explained more about the situation. Given she's been relying on you for months now it would seem appropriate to loop you in.

Presumably the OP was approached because she lives very near. The child is well-behaved. Why wouldn't you want to help when it's really not that much effort?

^this.

YABU, and I think you know it. If a child chatting disturbs your equilibrium you could ask her to be quiet.

I also have a disease that causes chronic pain. I asked for help for a few days with drop offs after the last surgery since dh was across the country, but my ds ended up home sick with me anyways. I would not feel comfortable asking someone to help me who didn't know the particulars of why.

Threads like this are always such an eye opener to me. I can not in my wildest dreams understand how it can be annoying to walk a child to school on the route that you normally walk?
This is why people are lonely, what happens to help thy neighbor. I think very few people understand the turmoil of having no backup, no parents, no support. The angst when something happens and you have no one to ask. If you had to go out of your way then yes. But she comes to your house, and it’s the way you walk anyway. She is in Y4 so doesn’t need a hand hold?
I have dropped off my sons best friend at home since the beginning of the school year. It’s a 10 min drive in the wrong direction from my house. I have a newborn baby and do a 20min extra drive every single day as the other mum is single and has just got a new job working shifts. Sometimes she gets stuck in traffic so we have to wait in the car outside her house for abit. I really don’t see the big deal

It's actually quite nice to see that there are a lot of people saying that they would help.

I agree with pp that the fact the mum is I'll is a red herring, the girl has two parents but they would rather use you as convenient and free rather than pay for a child minder or breakfast club. I'd do this for a pre-exisitng good friend but not for someone I hardly knew. It's okay to be selfish sometimes if the other person has options but just doesn't want to take them

GoatWithACoat Sun 28-Oct-18 12:15:04
I’ve been in Mays mums shoes and I didn’t ask anyone for help. While I would have been grateful I would have ensured something else got sorted as soon as possible. I think it would be good if you could do it up until Xmas but stop after that.

With the greatest of respect, the 'and I didn't ask anyone for help' bit does de facto confirm you have not, in fact, ever been in 'Mays' Mum's shoes'. Had you been, you would have been past the point of health deterioration you describe and at the point where - with the best will in the world - you quite literally could no longer do it. Where you fantisise about 'just throwing on a hoodie...', where you are so ill that that your spoons don't even cover the basics of life; where you trade off a shower and being clean for wiping out the next 3 days.

Literally, unless you've been there, you can genuinely have no clue of what you speak.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Sun 28-Oct-18 16:12:46

I've had to pick up/collect kids when my chronic condition is flaring up.. Just thrown on a hoodie with baggy jeans over my nightclothes - been back in bed within the 1/2 hour...

Again, I too used to do this (& at the huge effort it probably is for you too so I get it) but then, shockingly, it got even worse and again - even with the best will in the world - I could no longer do it and was in May's mums shoes.

Trust me, no-one who didn't have to - who literally had no choice but to - would be asking another school mum they barely knew to be dropping their DD to school.

And those invoking when they had cancer and what they would/would not do &/or accept from others - I've had both and hands down (no matter how grim this sounds) I would take cancer and it's bastarding treatment any day of the week. It's time limited, the world and it's wife understands how awful it is, and people (IME) fall over themselves to help. Long term chronic illness, where just getting dressed is something to celebrate, is a whole other ball game. The only people who understand are those who have walked in those shoes (so MummyOfLittleDragon I suspect will know exactly what I'm referring to in this post) and the others?

At best they help a bit but it then gets tedious, they can't understand why you are still ill; they saw you at the nativity and you looked just FINE - blind to the fact it took you weeks of planning to get there and it will be weeks until you recover from it - and at worst they judge. A LOT. And spout the kind of beyond ignorant (not in a 'rude' way, but a 'genuinely ignorant of the reality of this' kind of way) trivialising shit that has been spouted on here.

This thread is literally breaking my heart. I'm telling you that May's mum would likely sell her soul to the devil to be in OPs shoes rather than her own. It's just so far past grim that most people - as this thread so demonstrates - literally haven't got the faintest clue of how to begin to comprehend it.

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable as some have suggested. I fairly often have to take another child to school (who also comes for breakfast!) . It is no hardship to me, I am going to the school and giving breakfast to my two anyway, but I don't like doing it! I find it more stressful and feel pressured if we are running late in anyway. I have never been able to say no because the parents would think it weird, since I'm going to school anyway, but I totally get what you mean! It changes the whole dynamic of the school run.

Can you agree to do it once or twice per week? Then they can arrange childcare the rest of the time. That way you are helping out but you also get a break.
Then if Mays mum does have to do drop off occasionally it won’t ruin her day either.
It’s tricky. I do spellings in the mornings so I am happy to drop off others but not every day just because it is when we do a bit of homework!

Well said @IamtheDevilsAvocado. I thankfully don't have any personal experience of this but your post shows how you don't and can't always know what's going on with people.

I have huge sympathy for those with chronic illness, it's true I cannot imagine how hard life must be particularly with DCs.

However I do feel there is a lot of projecting going on. You don't know this is a fact NotMyName - Trust me, no-one who didn't have to - who literally had no choice but to - would be asking another school mum they barely knew to be dropping their DD to school. I'm sure in your case it's true - but OP knows very little about the other DM and the extent of her condition, only that it appears to be long term.

I guess if I were the OP I'd like them to be honest with their ask. I very much doubt there is another solution, so it would be better to come out and say the necessary - " I know this is a really big ask, but we have no other way for DD to get to school as I have xx condition which means I can only do the trip once per day, we can't afford the CM and DH can't rearrange his hours. Please can you take her for the next 2 years."

I get that it's a bit inconvenient.

But can you not see it as teaching your daughter a lesson in kindness and helping others?

Rather than see it as a pain, see it as an opportunity to do something kind and charitable that doesn't take up a lot of your time, you don't have to build wells in Africa or work in a homeless soup kitchen on Christmas day to be a good person.

Whether you are religious or not, it's the 'Christian' thing to do, feel good about it, it's good for your soul to help others!

I'm sure the ill mother and May both think you're amazing and the other parents will think you're great too for helping out.

I'm a lazy selfish bastard at the best of times but I would do this. It's a small act of kindness. I appreciate how it weighs on you but it's such a good example to set your DD. You're not being a doormat, your neighbour isn't a CF. May will remember you with love and gratitude for many, many years to come.

You never know what's around the corner, don't think about the years to come, this is a mum and a little girl who needs help now.

I don't know why people are slating the OP at all.

OP, I think you've been very kind to do it as long as you have and tbh in your shoes I would personally carry on doing it, if it's not really putting you out in any way, not costing you anything and you are going that way anyway then its just kind to carry on as the mother clearly really needs help.

Also, one day that child will remember the kindness you showed in these difficult times, it will mean the world to that child that someone took that time to take her to school when her mum couldn't...

I know you must be feeling put out but in this circumstance, I would personally just do it.

Whether you are religious or not, it's the 'Christian' thing to do, feel good about it, it's good for your soul to help others!

But she already has

And people are repeatedly guilt tripping her about not wanting to potentially do this for the next two years cos quite frankly who realistically could stop doing it when you walk past every day.

Yet it's perfectly fine for the family to move away or carry on doing hours that mean they can't help out themselves on the basis that some one they barely know will cover the school run for them.

And as I've already said I'd do it. God knows I spent long enough watching multiple kids on the play ground for people so they could shoot off. And people helped me out sometimes so I paid it forward and I didn't mind in the slightest

My problem here is the attitude towards someone whis already gone above and beyond and still that's not good enough for people.

@rookiemere Nailed it.

May’s Dad should be taking her to breakfast club make arrangements with his work to go later . You’ve helped enough you don’t have to continue if you don’t feel like. She’s not your responsibility

This thread is literally breaking my heart. I'm telling you that May's mum would likely sell her soul to the devil to be in OPs shoes rather than her own.

When OP wasn't able to drop May and offered to drop to breakfast club instead, May's DM chose to take May to school.

Another compromise could be for OP to do some days, but not all.

May’s Dad should be taking her to breakfast club make arrangements with his work to go later

As has been said, like its really that simple.

As has been said, like its really that simple

Well we don't know do we. She is somehow trusted enough with a chikd but isn't worthy of any information at all.

For all we know he could work from home 2 days a week but chooses not to.

For all we know he could forgo the MacDonalds drive through breakfast leave ten mins later I'd be able to do breakfast club run.

For all we know he chooses to get to work am hour early so he take 2 hours at lunch and hit the gym.

He could even perhaps do a Saturday and help out one day a week at home.

Or perhaps he just can't he arsed to even ask if he can tweak hours slightly.

But far easier to assume op can just do it hey