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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take this child to school?

748 replies

EveryoneButSam · 28/10/2018 11:56

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest Smile. Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 28/10/2018 16:44

Yes, I would take the child along with us as long as it fitted in with my own schedule (work, appointments, etc) and the child was getting along with my own children.

And I am not the most sociable of people. And I know how to say no. And I would do it for the child until I couldn't.

And by the sounds of it, she can walk herself to and from school very soon, if not already, if she's in Year 4 ... certainly by uppers, years 5 and 6 of primary.

MrsJBaptiste · 28/10/2018 16:45

Shit OP you're getting a rough ride on here. Apparently you're selfish mean, need to man up and just do this...

What if it actually a bit of a pain to take someone else's child to school? They may be chatty but if your own DD isn't then the other child will rabbit on at you for the whole journey (it would be like that with my two)

Does your DD really know this other girl? There are kids on our road but I know one of my boys wouldn't want to walk with them. If they're not friends then you can't force it and these two would be forced to walk to school together in Year 6 when your arrangement finally ends.

It's great to help out when you can but an indefinite arrangement is not the same as helping our for a few weeks while a more definite plan is found.

MrsJBaptiste · 28/10/2018 16:47

If she is already year 4, unless there's a particularly problematic road, she can start to take herself at some point this year, once the mornings are light again. Mine certainly did at that age (as did I) thus it's relatively short term anyway

This was not allowed at my sons' primary school. They were only allowed to walk to and from school on their own in Year 6 and after a letter had been seen by the teacher. Even then the arrangements were checked every half term to make sure these children (who yes, would be at High School in the near future) knew exactly what they were doing.

Daft but not every child can walk to school on their own when they feel like it.

SirGawain · 28/10/2018 16:48

In my opinion, she’s taking the piss.
Suggesting that she is taking the piss is a little hard. Perhaps you would feel differently if it was you with a disability, unless of course you think it's their own fault that she is disabled.
OP is being vvu.

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/10/2018 16:48

I think this thread highlights just how nothing is ever enough for some people.

Doesn't matter what you give or what it costs or how long you do it for. There's always someone who wants to make you feel guilty for not doing more.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2018 16:50

Honeyroar
Yes, you get it because sadly for you you are the struggling partner of a disabled husband. So few posters are getting this. It is such a strain for my dh too but apparently it would be nice if the woman’s husband would baby sit and mow the grass as thanks.

Flooffloof · 28/10/2018 16:50

What goes around, comes around, and if you help this lady and her child in their genuine time of need, the universe will help you and
your child in your own time of need

This is crap, because if true, there would be no bad things happening in the world ever. I have given my time, money, help to various people over the years. I have gone out of my way to help.
Where was my help in my time of need? Non existent.
Many of the posters on this thread would not do this for potentially years.
Mays mother can "probably" get help with childcare costs, so Mays mother should arrange paid childcare. Or ask social services for help or the local council etc etc.

Raydan · 28/10/2018 16:53

@Mummyoflittledragon @Honeyroar so strange that ppl would think this should be a tit for tat situation. Baffles me.

sonandhelpneeded · 28/10/2018 16:54

Personally I'd take the child to school and ask the mum if she needed anything picked up from the shops on the way back..... but I suppose we're all different!

woollyheart · 28/10/2018 16:58

Even if you are ill or disabled it is good manners not to take things for granted.

BackInRed · 28/10/2018 17:05

It's not selfish. I wouldn't want to do it either OP.

I didn't have kids so I could babysit stranger's kids for free. If I wanted daily responsibility for other people's kids I'd be a child minder.

I think what you really resent is the feeling they're quietly trying to push this as your normal routine rather than take the time to make alternate arrangements.

fluffycatinahat · 28/10/2018 17:05

Could you compromise & offer to walk them eg mon wed fri to take the load off her but say you like to have a bit of one to one time walking with your DD (time to chat) sometimes so don't want to do it every day? Maybe her husband could do it twice a week then?

Also you might be glad of a walking pal for your DD when she wants to walk in her own to school and back

Cranky17 · 28/10/2018 17:06

She’s in year 4 in some schools at year 5 allow children to walk them selves so its 2 and a half terms left

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 28/10/2018 17:07

I’m another who is amused by the grief being heaped upon the OP who is a actually helping her neighbour out.

Most of us are happy to help people out when they need assistance. I imagine less people would be willing to commit to a daily occurrence for an unspecified, and potentially prolonged, period of time.

trilbydoll · 28/10/2018 17:08

For me, I think I would compromise between not wanting to do it but also considering karma and it's nice to be nice etc and offer to do Mon and Thursday after Xmas. Maybe even with a suggestion like 'perhaps the childminder could help or your dh could adjust his hours on a couple of days'. It's entirely possible that a combination of options hasn't occurred to her and you breaking up the week will mean she can manage Wed and her dh can do Tuesday and Friday or something.

Original poster
EveryoneButSam · 28/10/2018 17:10

Unfortunately our school doesn’t let the children walk by themselves until they’re in Year 6. The reasonableness of the school in this is a matter for another thread! But actually the walk from us is pretty tricky with some big road crossings so I wouldn’t be surprised if dd is halfway through year 6 before I am happy for her to do it.

We have an easy route to park and shops so plenty of other opportunities for independence and the walk to secondary is much easier.

OP posts:
Sugarformyhoney · 28/10/2018 17:10

Yanbu. You’ve helped out s lot and it’s fine to want the mornings to yourself. Your help and support may be masking Mays mums need to engage with the services that can support her. She clearly needs some additional help if she can’t do the basics due to being so poorly.
I’d explain that you can’t commit to every morning and suggests she sees if school can provide funding etc for transport

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2018 17:20

Totally Alie1 I totally agree.

PumpkinPie567 · 28/10/2018 17:36

I think people still chatting about getting funding, help with childcare due to being disabled didn't read my pp. There is no such funding. Schools cannot help. I say that as both a disabled mum and a teacher. Services have been cut to the bone, there is no help to get the children of disabled parents to school anymore - but the parents still get fined if they don't get them there.
OP I don't think is being unreasonable, although I think she should do it (and maybe have a long chat with Mays mum). But some of the posters on here either have no idea what it's like to live with a disability and the lack of help available from official channels, or massively lack compassion. Under a Conservative government these have been cut to the bone. Their argument for this was "the Big Society" where everyone helps each other out to justify austerity. Whether you voted for it or not, this is our reality now.

April2020mom · 28/10/2018 17:37

How old is May? Please don’t be so selfish. I’m not sure if there’s even a problem. Chronic illnesses are difficult irregardless. When my son was diagnosed with a birth defect we appreciated all of the offers of emotional and practical support we had.
Seriously. I could not have made it through the hard times without the meals made by my neighbors and prayers and cards from family members and friends too. Not to mention the childcare. Emails, phone calls etc were also returned and read every day. It made all the difference to us.
Accept any form of assistance from your family etc.

BarbarianMum · 28/10/2018 17:39

Actually the school cannot dictate how old a child must be before they can walk to school alone, that's the parent's decision. School can notify SS if they think the parents are neglecting their child and that's about it.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/10/2018 17:43

My advice @EveryoneButSam would be to either pop over to your neighbour and have a chat with her or them (if her Dh is there too). Say that you don't mind taking May to school but that you're not sure what would happen if you weren't well or if your DD wasn't well and have to stay off school so you're willing to continue to walk May to school until they break at Christmas but that you can't be expected to do this forever. Have a conversation with them as it is all guess work on our parts as to whether this is something that is likely to continue or not or if May's parents will get a childminder to help bring May to and from school to help May's mum.

I've read the whole thread and while you are not unreasonable to want to know that it will come to an end at some point (and I'd imagine that for you you're hoping that is sooner rather than later), at the moment, you have mentioned no reasons not to bring May to school with your DD, so if I were you, I'd carry on doing it until Christmas.
You could offer to be an emergency contact if they can't bring their daughter to school but in my opinion, if May's mum isn't well enough to bring May herself, it should be May's dad rescheduling his timetable to step in and not a neighbour. I don't think that is an uncomfortable or rude thing to suggest on here.

LucyMorningStar · 28/10/2018 18:04

I am a little surprised the other mum has not made any effort to get to know you better. If someone was as kind to me as you are being to her, I would definitely want to be friends with you! Not many people like you around, OP!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/10/2018 18:14

Services have been cut to the bone, there is no help to get the children of disabled parents to school anymore

I can't speak for anywhere else, but round here (east midlands) there certainly is

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/10/2018 18:15

I've had to pick up/collect kids when my chronic condition is flaring up.
Just thrown on a hoodie with baggy jeans over my nightclothes - been back in bed within the 1/2 hour

Good for you. There is absolutely no way I coukd.

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