To not want to take this child to school?

[EveryoneButSam]

My dd is in a class with a girl who lives on our street, let’s call her May. May’s mum has a long term illness which makes it very difficult for her to get up and moving in the morning, so she can’t do the morning school run. Up until about a month ago May was being taken to school by her much older sister, but the sister has now got a different job and moved away.

May’s mum asked if I would take her to school up until half term. I agreed, although with a bit of trepidation as although I didn’t mind doing it for a few weeks I couldn’t see how May’s mum was going to be able to find a different solution. And guess what, she hasn’t, and has now asked if I can carry on until Christmas. But again, I don’t see a solution for after then!

I feel awful for not wanting to commit to this but I really don’t. Not indefinitely. It’s not even as if it’s putting me out that much, May is only a couple of doors down so walks herself over here and is usually on time. Apart from a couple of incidences where she’s not stopped where she should have she’s not much of a bother. I just find it an annoyance - if we’re ready a bit early we have to wait, I have to chat to an extra (chatty) child early in the morning when I’m not really at my chattiest . Which I was happy to put up with to help someone out for a few weeks but not forever!

So AIBU really is am I being a total bitch and should just suck it up? If not, how do I get out of it or at least put a deadline on it? I know I could just do the “that doesn’t work for me” but when May’s mum knows I’m walking that way every day anyway that just seems really rude.

For further clarification, May and her mum are both nice friendly people but neither dd or I are particularly friends with either and we’ve not had a history of helping each other out really.

Yes it's nice to be appreciated and tombs thanked, basic manners don't you think.

Where has tge OP said she hasn't been thanked? stop making shit up

I suppose pps are right in that as I know so little about her circumstances I can’t actually tell how feasible it is for her / her dh to do it or come up with another plan. I also don’t know her personally so I don’t know if she would normally be reluctant to ask people for favours or not.

I would feel exactly as you do OP and I count myself as a nice person who would willingingly help people out.

But there is also a point at which you feel this isn’t something you signed up. I get that. And is it likely to change, no. Will she suddenly utilize a child minder or a before school club, unlikely. Especially given the age of May.

This is why I would never put people in this situation. I recently took a job that started early in the morning and I opted for breakfast club rather than asking my neighbour (who is taking her own 3 kids anyway) everyday. What about if someone is sick or you have an alternative arrangement for the day?

But also, how do you say without looking like a complete selfish, horrible person??

I think if I were you, I’d have to just resign myself to it but also put across if you can’t for some reason, then you can’t and not feel bad about it. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a nice thing to do and what’s the alternative??

Cross post - OP says she has been thanked.

She's still not evil incarnate for not wanting to do this long term, which is what some PP seem to think.

The op has said the mum is nice and friendly which isn’t how I’d describe someone who didn’t thank me for helping them out.

OP said she'd had a 'thank you' via text.

If someone had been doing something like this for me, for even just a week, there'd have been a box of chocolates handed over with many thanks.

If the kids are in y4 then surely they will be making their own way in Sept (y5) in prep for secondary school so in the grand scheme of things it's not that long to help out?
After All, what goes round comes round.

Exactly YouTheCat, people's circumstances can change, what will they do then!

I’m a complete bitch and wonder what medical condition it is that you can’t manage in the morning but is ok later on in the day.

Can she not get the council thing where they pick up children for school if she's long term I'll?

Yeah I’m a little confused by the presumption of 2 years as well. None of the year 5s who live in walkable distance are taken to school by parents where I live.

I have had thanks by text but that’s really not my issue

Lovely to hear it; I absolutely understood this isn't your main issue, but all the same it's nice to know you're appreciated

And FWIW, having been kind and helpful so far, I don't think you're BU at all to be a little uneasy about possible years of commitment. As I said, I'd give lots of notice by saying you'll have to stop after Christmas, then maybe try to help by pointing them to other sources of support

OP, if you were on your own with your children and had a long term illness, or possibly a terminal illness, would you hope someone could something so simple for you and your child(ren) when you were struggling? Especially the child(ren)...

That is your answer here.

Let her walk with you so long as she's arriving on time and getting along with your own child.

Honestly.

It's nice to be kind.

But I think this has gone beyond a usual helping out another parent.

Mmmm... I missed the bit where the mum had her own car.... It probably makes it difficult for her but I would have thought less impossible thank walking to and frm school with May.

I've had to pick up/collect kids when my chronic condition is flaring up..
Just thrown on a hoodie with baggy jeans over my nightclothes - been back in bed within the 1/2 hour...

If the father is working full time... If he truly can't rearrange stuff to do drop off... And many men make the excuse they 'cant' do this, where in reality they won't.... Then if they have an average income they can pay someone to do drop off daily...

Also of I'd been pushed into doing this for this long, I think I'd be asking what sort illness they had?? Was it likely to improve, enough

OP are you too busy to have a chat with May's mother some time or are you not inclined to get to know neighbours? Actually getting to know each other a little better might help you decide what to do.

Are your circumstances likely to change in the near future? When I was off on maternity leave I had a few people asking if I could do school runs. When I said that I was going back to work and my DH would be doing school runs, they decided it was too much to bother him with and maybe their DH might be able to help after all.

Oh op. You’re very kind and I see your dilemma. I would want to help but would hate the pressure of them being completely dependent on me. For every day. For years. It’s a massive commitment. And what if you’re ill/work early one day/have other commitments.

I have skimmed the thread but I got the impression you don’t know what illness the mum has - so you’re not actually that close? Your kids aren’t that friendly together despite being in the same class?

And playing devils advocate maybe the mum is being a bit cheeky. She’s asked the op for up till half term so she can find other arrangements. She hasn’t. Now it’s till Christmas. And the op is thinking she’s never going to find an alternative and before she knows it she’s doing it for two years. Is she actually looking for alternatives/back ups? Has she mentioned anything?

There have already been occasions when OP couldn't take her, the mother has managed herself, although it was probably a struggle for her.

My husband has been really ill this year, I've struggled doing everything and also financially as he hasn't been able to work so we've suddenly lost a wage. Some people, who we barely knew, have been incredibly kind and thoughtful. I can't thank them enough. Some of these have made me cry with relief at a time when I was at my wits end as work were being awkward about me having time off and trying to juggle things.

Perhaps this woman's husband has to go to work at the set time and they need his earnings? Perhaps they are struggling and couldn't afford a childminder or breakfast club? Perhaps they are worried sick about how to manage?

No the OP doesn't have any obligation to do this, she's been kind doing it already. But seriously- how much of an inconvenience is it?? Even if it does end up being for two years. Kids are barely at school many weeks of a year anyway and it's a few minutes in the morning for a mother who is thankful and finds alternatives when she has to without any guilt trips or CF-ery. Personally I'd be going round there telling her not to worry, I'd do it. You never know when life flips and dishes you a pile of stress. Be kind to people if you can.

So what happens if OP is ill, or her child is ill, so she can't take the other person's dc to school? What if the OP gets a job that means she has to use the before-school care?

Well then, the mother of May would get in her car and take May to school, most likely along with the OPs dd. And then be in more pain for the rest of the day. And if the OP got a job then May’s mother would sort something else out for long term. But for now, maybe she doesn’t think it is that big an inconvenience for the OP as she is ensuring her daughter is there on tome every day, is well behaved and the OP is not going out of her way at all. Although I am sure that she still feels guilty for asking and is looking for alternatives anyway.

Mn is a crazy place!

These types of situations seem to pop up every few weeks. Some weeks you'll get the 'she's so cheeky, you shouldn't do it op" reaction and other weeks you'll get the "oh op don't be selfish it's not a big deal,you should help out". There seems to be no rhyme or reasons for the way the responses go at all.

All the posters saying they would commit to childcare every school morning for someone else's child, really? Come on I don't know anyone who would actually commit to that. I wouldn't do it op. I'm definitely not a selfish person and I understand chronic illness but I still wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't mind ad hoc when the family really couldn't manage but I don't see it as my responsibility to ensure someone else's child gets to school each day.

OP, if you were on your own with your children and had a long term illness, or possibly a terminal illness, would you hope someone could something so simple for you and your child(ren) when you were struggling? Especially the child(ren)...

But this woman is not on her own, she has a partner. They can pay a childminder or he can look for a job that fits around his caring responsibilities just like single parents up and down the country have to do all the time. A favour now and then fine but asking someone you don't even know to commit to taking your child to school 5 days a week for months/years is cheeky fuckery and yes it's the husband's working hours Op is facilitating since his wife is ill, it's his responsibility to get his DD to school.

Just carry on as you are, it’s minimal to no hassle for you. As long as the girl is on time and no bother, it will be the end of term before you know it. Yes the prospect of an indefinite arrangement is a little daunting, but you really don’t know if she will ask to extend the arrangement. She has once, but only once so far. Try not to dwell on the fact it could go on for 2 more years, because it really may be over in a few months, and you can look back on a brief few months of helping a neighbour out when it was a massive help to her.

I don’t know any cms that collect from home. If she’s going to drive to the cm she might as well drive the child to school.
The op has said herself it doesn’t put her out too much and that the child is no bother. The op could find herself in need of the same kind of help one day, or her child could. And I’m sure she’d want someone to be nice enough to help if the shoe was on the other foot.

I see plenty of posters on MN who are being taken for mugs by CFs who just can't be bothered or want free childcare and I'd be the first to say don't do it.
But from what we've been told here, this family are not having it easy. If, as it appears, the woman is genuinely ill, the daughter can't be having a fun time of it either.
Presumably the OP was approached because she lives very near. The child is well-behaved. Why wouldn't you want to help when it's really not that much effort?

If she is already year 4, unless there's a particularly problematic road, she can start to take herself at some point this year, once the mornings are light again. Mine certainly did at that age (as did I) thus it's relatively short term anyway