To never drive my sister anywhere again?

[AmandaBuffamonteezi]

I gave my sister and her two year old a lift home last night. My niece is 2 and I put her in my son's car seat which is the right size for her. She immediately started to struggle as I put her in it and cried. I calmly told her it was ok and that we had to wear our seatbelts.

My sister laughed and said "She never stays strapped in in her car seat. She can undo it now so she's probably upset she can't escape."

A bit of backstory, I was in a crash recently and although I have carried on driving I am definitely more aware that you can't control other drivers. Someone went in to the side of my car and then another went in to the back of me. DS was in the car too and thankfully was ok.

To get to my sisters you have to drive along a motorway and a few busier national speed limit roads with busy junctions. We started driving and my niece was still crying. I tried to distract her by putting music on but she kept saying "Out" and reaching for my sister.

She wasn't hysterical just a whingey type of cry. My sister then said "I can't leave her to cry. I'll loosen the straps so she can get her arms out." I told her not to because then she wouldn't be in properly and she could get hurt in an accident or if I had to slam on suddenly. At this point we were already on the motorway and this particular stretch has no hard shoulder. My sister then said "Ok I'll get her out and hold her then." Despite me saying no she did it anyway and I couldn't pull over or do anything. I told her how irresponsible it was but my sister just laughed and said "You'd better make sure you don't crash then."

As soon as I could I pulled over and told her to put her back in the seat. At no point did I shout or make a scene despite my sister raising her voice and using a few choice words. I refused to go until she did. She eventually did but then of course my niece was even more upset and was crying louder than before.

When I got home I had a nasty text from my sister saying that I am clearly in need of help following my accident because I overreacted and accusing me of being a judgemental bitch criticising her choices. She also said that I have no right to tell her how to parent her children.

I haven't replied but can someone please tell me if I've overreacted or if I was being unreasonable?

Oh FGS, Havaina! Maybe you plan your conversations well in advance and cover all the bases? I tend to chat to family.

And yes, if it matters, we were standing in the garden while DS aged around 10 mowed the lawn (having been sternly ordered to put boots on first), and his much younger sister attempted to kill herself by falling into/out of/off various objects. I said that I never quite knew how to assess which risks were too much risk and which were just life experience.

Unsecured child in car = wrong risk.

Honestly I am frothing at the mouth in anger with you.

I would send a sharp reply of wait until you’re in a crash where your child could have died and then make a judgement.

The irresponsible bloody idiot.

I'm a 1980 child and the law on seat belts in the rear didn't come in til about 88? Ish.
My parents paid for seat belts to be fitted to any cars they had.

My GM once got in my car and said "Oh I'll just hold it over me" when asked to put her belt on (Front seat) she hated them.
She was told the car wasn't moving until she put it on properly so she was likely to miss her hair appointment.
Eventually she gave in with a lot of huffing and puffing.

Doesn't matter how young or old. Belt up.
You know you are right and your sister is a neglectful parent.

Havaina you are funny!

Your sister is very, very stupid.

I suffered a head injury in the 1960s caused by no seatbelts - the car didn't have any in those days. It was a very, very low speed but sudden emergency stop (less than 10mph) - we were actually pulling into the driveway at home when a cat ran in front of the car and my DF braked sharply and I was catapulted from the back and struck my head on the dashboard.

BrevilleTom, my late DM tried that one; she hated seatbelts, so tried the '"confused old lady struggling, don't worry, start driving and I'll sort myself out as we go" routine. I just sat there calmly reiterating "It's the law, I'll wait" until, rather huffily, she let me help her. Then, one day, my best friend's DM was added to the mix. I've never seen anyone generate such a tangle to avoid the issue. I went back to the "refusal to engage in discussion" routine, until I heard DM advise her, "I tried that, she won't move until you're seatbelt's on!"
It can be hard when it's an elder; my default position was to do as I was told by my kind and loving mother, but she was of a generation where such things were silly unnecessary nonsense. Your mother is of a later, better educated generation, and if she sees sense, why can't your sister? Does the fact that you are younger and "laying down the law" rankle? Perhaps in her mind, you're all ganging up on her, now police officer uncle is in the mix. But her hurt feelings do not override her little daughter's safety.

Your sister is a complete and utter twat and I would never ever drive her again if she did that.
DD used to think it was funny to wriggle out of her straps. It took one final moment I am not really proud of but that stopped that bad habit after no amount of talking nicely etc. worked.
I stopped at a small resting place and screamed the car down. She was horrified and cried but she never did that again. She must have been about 18 months and once again, I am not proud of what I did but my patience was spent completely. She's never attempted that again and makes sure her friends have their seatbelts on before we drive anywhere.

She sounds such hard work. Well done for standing your ground op.

YANBU. My eldest was an escapologist and quickly learnt to undo his car seat belt. I had to resort to tying tights over the seat belt catch, time consuming but it works btw.
I recognised my own sister's behaviour in your story.I spent Christmas Eve cleaning my sister's vomit out of my brand new car. No apology or any awareness that she had crossed a line.
I think that you will find some resistance from them now that you are standing up to them and saying no. But you know you are right.

Your sister is an idiot.

My ex used to do the same with his kids FGS. I just flatly refused to drive anywhere until they did them up again.(Appreciate you didn't have this option as already moving). God the screaming and howling... stick to your guns.

Yes, an idiot

As we're telling stories now, I did the "I won't move until you buckle up" last year with a couple of teenagers.
Car full, at roundabout, cars behind me, just about to enter motorway, when I noticed a couple of them had taken off their seat belts. I was surprised nobody beeped, but they probably thought it was just a helpless female driver in an old car.
I'd have stopped on the hard shoulder of the motorway too. It counts as an emergency in my book.

EerieSilence - I am totally with you there. You do what you have to do for their safety. I have never smacked my kids, but I did decide early on that if they ever persistently undid their seatbelts then that was the one thing I would actually smack them for as a last resort.

Luckily I never had to... but that was pure good luck!

Good idea on the face of it about getting your police officer uncle to have a word ... only trouble is she'll probably interpret that as "I can't believe my family have reported me to the police!!!"

How totally irresponsible of your sister to think it is ok to :-

1. Allow daughter to take her arms out
2. To take her out and think holding her will be ok
3. Not respect your wishes when you are the driver of the car!!

She is a fool to think that it is ok to drive with a child not secured appropriately. She is also a fool to speak to her sister like that when all you are doing is being a responsible caring Person and driver. I would be furious. She would not get in my car again. I would also be telling her how as a parent we have to compromise with our kids at times. But this is most defiantly not one of those times. » screaming Safe child» or quiet child rocketing through the window». No context really. Do not beat yourself up. She is wrong.

Your sister is unreasonable and risking her child's life. She is also out of order for referencing your accident. No more lifts for her. I'd tell her to make her own arrangements

My ExH was a police officer. I remember very clearly him pulling over a woman in a big Mercedes and reducing her to tears because he had not strapped in her young DC but had put a seat belt around a dinner service she’d just purchased.

He went into graphic detail about what it was like to peel a small child’s body off a windscreen.

Your sister wouldn’t be so irresponsible if she’d heard a story from a firefighter, police officer or paramedic at the scene of an accident where they’d seen a 2 year old face down on the road 20 feet ahead of the car where they’d been thrown through the windscreen after not being strapped in properly or found a dead child in the boot of a car where they ended up after a collision. These things happen every day due to selfish adults not ensuring their child is safely secured in a car seat. Makes me livid

I'm a traffic cop and if I'd seen this twat sister with her 2 year old on her lap I'd have given you a ticket, recommending a driving ban, seized hour vehicle and locked her up for child neglect.
Hope your uncle gets through to her. You've done amazing.

locked her up for child neglect, can you do that?

Conversely I would just like to mention how wonderful the seat belts for my nieces DC was after the car she was driving flipped at 70mph - it ended up upside down but they all walked away with minor cuts and bruising

Yes Jux and I have for much less.

Your sister is an idiot

Wow definitely not overreacting,

You were the driver and therefore responsible for all passengers in the vehicle,

My DS has got his arms out of his straps once (he's 2) as soon as I could I pulled over and put him back in tightening them further, he hated it as he did live the freedom but he's learnt and I've not had any problems since.

It's a shame your system can't see that she is putting her own child in so much danger 😔

You have a legal responsibility to make sure everyone is using a seatbelt. You were perfectly correct. I've had this problem with adults not wanting to wear seatbelts but you'd think she would want to keep her kid as safe as possible. Weird reaction from her though...guilt or plain stupidity?