I can't trust this Mother...

[MistressoftheYoniverse]

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

Well this is a bit of a car crash of a thread, isn't it?

I sometimes wonder if people on MN have ever been a teenager. Reading some of these posts it's as if some of you sent from being 10 to the age of 40 overnight. Teenagers will try to drink, and no matter how much you think you're controlling them, they will find a way to get round that. (Not just with alcohol either.).

For your DD, I have no idea if this is the first time she's been so drunk - but if it is, it's an important life lesson. And she's far less likely to do it again.

However, that's really not the point of this thread, is it? It's about the other mother lying to the OP.

@MistressoftheYoniverse I would be incensed that the other mother behaved as she did, because she lied to you. But I can't understand why you didn't explain about the taxi firm when she called you?

If you had, and you'd insisted your DD came home, then she would have been forced to admit what had actually happened. I suspect she did that because she felt guilty about what had happened to your DD, knowing it was actually her responsibility.

@claraschu I am in Australia and have posted on here before about how irresponsible America is with their gun obsession and how glad and proud I am of Australia's tough gun laws. But I was told off by a couple of Americans on here, and the gist of it was guns was in their culture and it's who they are, and I don't know what I am talking about. shrugs. I am surprised to see an American speak against their gun culture, so good on you!

@BIWI Yes, we all know teens will try to drink, that is not the point. The point is, we, as parents, should not be ENCOURAGING them, nor PROVIDING A PLACE TO DRINK IT. That is the point you are missing in your post that sounded very enablist to me. Just because teens will look to drink, doesn't mean you provide a place for them to do it. Restrict the spaces they have. Not give it to them on a silver platter.

DayMan

Namechangeforthiscancershit I was only talking about the case posted previously. No charges were ever made and no one has been held responsible

I was totally agreeing with you, but because I decided to split my post over 3 it wasn’t remotely clear! Sorry!

Namechangeforthiscancershit lol thank god Coz I was starting to think I was going insane! Hahaha

Enabling?! Not at all. Don't be so silly

Be as offended as you like and as po faced as you want to @SalemBlackCat4, but there was a) nothing in my post to say I would enable that behaviour and b) there's nothing in the OP's post to say that had happened either!

Endoftheline, I can only imagine that pain. This thread must be very difficult to read, but thank you for sharing that with the parents of other teenagers.

@BIWI Then the point behind this, was what then? "I sometimes wonder if people on MN have ever been a teenager. Reading some of these posts it's as if some of you sent from being 10 to the age of 40 overnight. Teenagers will try to drink, and no matter how much you think you're controlling them, they will find a way to get round that. "

I'd be livid. Not so much about the drinking - teens will sneak more booze than they are allowed or that they can handle and at 16 she has to take some responsibility. But about the lying. And it's a massive lie to pretend that your daughter is fine when she isn't well. Being sick through booze is one thing but passing out for an hour is very scary and with other people's kids I'd be erring on the side of caution and telling their parents

I couldn't leave it, I'd be calling the parent to say you know what happened and you're disappointed she felt she couldn't tell you about it and ask why. And reiterate you'd always rather know if your daughter is in trouble, so you can be there or help. It doesn't need to be a massive confrontation or argument. Then you can judge if you want her to go round to this house again or meet on neutral territory

I'd maybe be having a chat with my daughter about alcohol safety as well...at what point would she or her friends call an ambulance for someone that has passed out etc

I can’t believe that parents attitude when your sensible son made sure he got home safely. How can it be your fault when the birthday boy has enough wits to take care of someone else. She should have taken responsibility. Blimin cheek!

Thanks teddybearbaby I’ve searched my conscience over this so many times but cannot fathom for the life of me how his drinking was my fault.

@SalemBlackCat4 - how on earth do you deduce from that post that I'm even condoning, never mind enabling? Stop trying to read things into posts that simply aren't there, because of your own agenda.

@BIWI again, I ask, then what was the point of your post? What were you trying to say? If you weren't condoning or enabling, why would you even write that then?

I had a girl do this at my house. They were seventeen. I had given them a of bottle of wine between them, they were just playing x box watching movies etc, and there was just the two of them, the intent was to have a glass or so of wine each.

I went in and spoke to them a few times and all seemed fine, my daughter drunk one small glass of wine so was totally sober, she said her friend had brought her own booze , she basically. Drunk the best part of a bottle of wine to herself and some cider, she said one min she was fine the next she was puking up.

Bottom line was my husband and I had to sit up with this girl vomiting, we had to wash and dry her sick covered clothes, my daughter and I had to get her in the shower as she was covered in sick, in her hair and everything, , and my daughter had to stay awake the rest of the night to make sure she didn't puke in her sleep, with me checking on them every twenty mins or so, and keeping her in the recovery position, and the girl begged us not to tell her parents as they were so strict.

She kept saying she'd be better off dead and crying. It was simply awful. And as much as I've been wild, none of us had seen anything like it or even understood how it happened so fast with no one noticing.

I didn't tell her father when he came to collect her next day, I covered for her, he was deeply religious and hugely strict, and my daughter actually ended the friendship immediately with the girl because of her behaviour at our house,

Shoild I have told her parents, I really don't know. Am I untrusted worthy because of it, I don't know. It worked out the girl had previous for it, and then did it again at the prom, at that point all the kids were sick of it, and my daughter reported her to the teachers, after informing the girl was she fuck getting in a taxi with her or coming to our house, ( we were hosting the after prom party). The teachers called the parents to come and collect her, so I guess in that instance they found out.

She simply couldn't see alcohol and not get wasted, clearly there was a problem there.

I'm afraid op my instinct would be to blame your child and deal with her. I get the parents had a responsibility but at sixteen so did your child.

I accidentally posted before I meant to. What I was saying, @BIWI "I sometimes wonder if people on MN have ever been a teenager. Reading some of these posts it's as if some of you sent from being 10 to the age of 40 overnight." That means? What? What would give you that impression?

"Teenagers will try to drink, and no matter how much you think you're controlling them, they will find a way to get round that." I think we all know that. So, if you weren't enabling ie by suggesting controlling them doesn't work, well please explain exactly what you were suggesting with that comment? Because to me, it truly does read as if you are suggesting 'well, teens will get alcohol anyway, so....'

That is how your post came across to me.

My son would be alive today if someone had just turned him on his side.
I taught my dcs first aid.
I wish all parents would do the same.

Beyond tragic @Endofthelinefinally 💔. All my love x

I’d definitely be cross with the mother of this friend. If any child in my care got too drunk or ill I’d phone the mother immediately and tell her. There could have been any number of good reasons for the child’s parent to know! Like she might have had an underlying health issue.

Anyway I would be wary and have a good heart to heart chat with DD. In future trust your radar and go around yourself if you get a ‘call’!

SalemBlackCat4

What I think BIWI meant there is that, as teens will drink, instead of just outright banning alcohol, you should teach them to drink responsibly. My parents did! From the age of about 14 I was allowed a cider at Christmas, 16/17 was allowed a few beers with friends in the garden during the summer or at parties in friends houses. None of my friends who were allowed to do this were ever really that bothered by booze and most of us barely drink now.

I would be really hacked off in your position, your daughter was clearly in some trouble and this parent lied about it to protect herself. YANB at all U to be annoyed and worried.

Oh my goodness @endofthelinefinally I have no words. I’m so so sorry.

Endofthelinefinally that is so tragic, and you're right, all parents should teach children first aid. Also should teach them to always get help, even if they think they will get in trouble.

The research says that taking a stand as a parent against early drinking alcohol reduces the risk that they will have a problem later on.

It’s a complete myth that ‘training’ a child yourself by giving them alcohol at Christmas etc is preventative.

Why didn't you ask to speak to your daughter?

@DayManChampionOfTheSun Yes, that is exactly how I took it, too. Hence why I said enabling. I'd not allow my children to drink at that age, at all, in my home. I read his post exactly as you did, 'Kids will want to drink, ..... so let them have a few drinks at home'. Sorry, I don't agree with that (I am not saying I am perfect or my way is the only way, so I apologise if people take that from my posts) and I do see that as enabling. My children can drink in my house...... on their 18th birthday. That's it.

FFS are you so lacking in critical thinking that you can't understand my post?

Let me explain in small words:

I sometimes wonder if people on MN have ever been a teenager. Reading some of these posts it's as if some of you sent from being 10 to the age of 40 overnight.

A lot of people here will have been experimenting with alcohol/drinking from an age well before the legal age of 18 (whether that's been allowed by their parents or not). And many posters here will also have been drunk/vomited/done something stupid because of drinking when they were teenagers. So all the moral high grounders who are clutching their pearls about 'bad' behaviour with alcohol are very conveniently forgetting that this was going on when they were teenagers. (Even if they, themselves, weren't doing this)

Teenagers will try to drink, and no matter how much you think you're controlling them, they will find a way to get round that..

You understood what this meant, but then took it to mean I was saying 'don't bother'. Which couldn't be further from the truth. But the reality is that they will find a way, no matter what you try and do.

And I know that not only from my own teenage years, but also because I've gone through it with two teens of my own (now grown-up) and all their peer groups.

To deny this is foolish. To claim that this means I'm suggesting I'm saying I'd enable it is offensive.