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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't trust this Mother...

342 replies

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/10/2018 01:15

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone Hmm and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' Hmm I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 18:11

Greensleeves bloody hell!
The bloody little... Oooooo..toe wrags.

What a hellish night.
With those kind of threats I would absolutely do the same. That poor girl, traumatised.

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/10/2018 18:22

I would have done the same Greensleeves

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat4 · 28/10/2018 18:33

@MistressoftheYoniverse Just wondering was the taxi meant to come at 1pm (as you said in your OP) or 1AM.

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/10/2018 19:00

Yes we had agreed with DD1 that the cab was pre-booked so she could know when to be ready...

OP posts:
Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/10/2018 19:02

sorry..1am...oh dear I didn't notice Grin

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/10/2018 19:32

Re bottle of Absolut in the fridge
I am appalled!!!!
It should be in the fucking freezer.............animals

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 19:35

Was gonna say same Ain't

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/10/2018 19:37

😉

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 28/10/2018 19:37

I might give her a ring just to thank her and reassure her, we are not close but it's good to keep a decent relationship between mums and in the grand scheme of things....

Do this!!!

As discussion on this thread shows managing teens & alcohol safely is really hard. They will find ways around most of the things parents put in place to keep them safe.

Parent networks are invaluable (especially if you don't drive OP). It will help to keep your DD and her friends safe.

Original poster
MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/10/2018 19:39

Grin @ Aint

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 29/10/2018 09:29

@Greensleeves.....OMG, what a tale! But actually that is not at all untypical of the shenanigans of this age group. We've had similar to that....not under my roof, but we've heard the stories coming back next day. I think it's important to remember that the OP's daughter was just one of probably many guests and when you're the host parent it's really hard to do everything exactly as other parents would wish.
At one party, some girl got pissed (it was in winter) and was found several hours later hypothermic under a garden hedge....ambulance was called, party was over - everyone crying and panicking. Things can spiral in the wrong direction in an instant actually.

Hollanda · 29/10/2018 12:25

Woah what a minefield, not looking forward to the teen years with my two!!

ElvinBoys · 29/10/2018 17:27

I’m very confused by this whole thread. 1) my child would not be allowed out at that age until 1am at a party 2) would not be allowed to stay over unless previously agreed and I knew the parent well 3) I would insist on speaking to my child.

All that aside I would be so angry at being lied to. I would want to be the one to monitor my child if they were in that state, nobody else. I would be going to collect them and take them home to monitor them and they would be grounded for a very long time. Before anyone says she’s 16 I don’t care. When I lived with my patents at the age of 19 I had to be home by 11, because I lived under their roof and therefore by their rules.

Obi73 · 29/10/2018 17:34

Totally unacceptable! Your daughter was wasted, possibly in danger and this mother hid it from you. I think you’re being very reasonable and calm not going round and giving her a gob full!
As the mother of a 19 year old DD I know they’re not angels but when it’s the parents not the kids doing the lying and covering up we’re all screwed!
I’d have a quiet word, somewhere neutral and show her this thread - she needs to grow up!

doodleygirl · 29/10/2018 17:46

Elvinboys excellent way to parent a 16 year old if you want to ensure a a pretty crap relationship and no honesty.

How on earth can you decide how you are going to parent your teen if you havent got one? I bloody hate parents who tell you exactly how they would do it without the experience. Come back when its relevant to you.

Mrskirby · 29/10/2018 18:06

Every one has a different opinion on how to deal with their kids and what to do if they end up in this kind of situation.
Kids are going to go and experiment with drink regardless of the repercussions.
Being in this situation is not good and you heave to deal with it as you see fit.
Having been in this situation with my eldest and having them beg me to let a friend stay the answer was a very stern no. I delivered the friend home 15 miles from us to their parents to deal with them as they wanted.
I personally don’t want the responsibility of someone’s intoxicated child incase something happens.
We have all been kids and experimented at some point but we also learn from it.

RomanyRoots · 29/10/2018 18:10

I've been through teen years twice, it was an absolute doddle with both ds1 and 2.
I knew my luck would run out with dd, so I allowed her to board.
They are strict and there's no way they get away with being drunk, usually an instant exclusion, but assessed individually.
Drugs and sex the same.
Boys and girls kept separately, although common rooms can be accessed with supervision. Mine gets on better with boys than girls so she always asks for permission to visit the boys common room.

woodlands01 · 29/10/2018 18:13

I wouldn't like being lied to but I think I would probably give the mother the benefit of the doubt and hope she looked after your daughter. Similar to a PP - I have done the same and stayed up all night with a girl I barely knew looking after her and making sure she didn't choke on her own vomit. This was after I had phoned 2 parents and sent a couple home. This girls friends practically begged me not to phone the Mum as she would be in so much trouble. I provided some bottles of beer and cider - the kids smuggled all sorts in, it really was a bloody nightmare ( probably 1 party in about 10 that went wrong). If I had a cross parent confronting me then I would have been very upset and probably been quite rude back.
When my teens are out and about at night I ensure I do not drink and am available to pick them up if there is any trouble. Maybe people say I am enabling them both in drinking and expecting me to run around after them. I am happy with them drinking under 18 - I have not had any issues with either getting totally wasted and we live very rurally so I accept that I am a taxi service for a few years.

grumiosmum · 29/10/2018 18:29

I would also be furious with the other Mum, She should have called you & told you the truth.

I've seen a 16 year old girl literally unable to stand from just drinking wine & beer, it does happen. In that case she was already staying over with the friend who was hosting her, so it was not such an issue (and was fine the next morning).

The Mum was totally wrong to lie to you, and I would take it up directly with her.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 29/10/2018 18:32

I got horribly drunk at a party when 16, unbeknown to me someone had been adding vodka to my cider and blackcurrant. I've never been so sick in my life, and my lovely friend worked out what had happened and got her parents to pick us up. Her mum made sure I was OK, rang my Mum to say I was staying over and I thought I'd got away with it. Turns out her Mum told my Mum everything as she felt so responsible and there was no way she'd not have told her!!

It's so so easy to get into that state which is why your DD has probably learned a very hard lesson over this. I'd put some very serious rules in place regarding future parties and collect her myself every time. But what this Mum did is completely out of line, and I'd knock on her door to say you appreciate that she was covering for your DD but she took away your choice to look after your DD in that state and that it's not something you're very happy about.

yellowball · 29/10/2018 18:35

It sounds rather like the mother was actually trying to protect your daughter and cover for her drunken state. It had nothing to do with your 'parenting skills'. I'm actually surprised that your more upset by what you perceive to be the opinion of your daughters friends mother has of you, than the actual welfare of your daughter.
You could also have picked up your daughter perhaps if you were that concerned. Just a thought.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 29/10/2018 18:36

I am blown away by some of these comments.Getting hammered and your best friends mom lying and covering it up is disgusting!!!
That happened a few towns over except the drunk kid died of alcohol poisoning.Guess where the Mom who hosted and lied about the party is, prison!!!
Have a huge talk with your daughter and serious consequences.
Oh and girl you better go after that "mom/mum" next!
Don't touch her bc you don't want to get in trouble,but I would make her cry!
Seriously, your daughter could have been hurt!!! This is a serious situation and you can't let this go.
**Mom of a college freshman,16 yr old girl and a 14 yr old girl....
Good luck!

dwab45 · 29/10/2018 18:37

I agree very much with that. Untrustworthy person and crafty with it.

Middersweekly · 29/10/2018 18:37

I am going to put a different spin on this and suggest that there were likely no parents at this party whatsoever. The person who called you was probably a friend. Perhaps have a chat with the mum of your daughters friend and confirm it was actually her who called you. If it was her then explain that you would rather have been told the truth. Either way it was a bit reckless of them to get blind drunk but at 16 I guess it doesn’t take much alcohol to get in a state!

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 29/10/2018 18:41

Alcohol is a drug-so stands to reason that some people will try it and get addicted, some people will try it and have a good relationship and some people will not go near it...there really is no rhyme to the reason as to which path an individual will take. I genuinely don’t see how a parent introducing or banning it will have much of an influence on those paths.
I was allowed access to alcohol from the age of 14 in supervised situations and at 33 I can still take it or leave it. I have a 14 year old who has tried alcohol but is t really bothered by it...she will continue to be allowed access to it in supervised situations as I was, so will my 3 sons as they reach the appropriate age.

We have spent a lot of time telling our children that if they find themselves in a situation that is uncomfortable that they must not be afraid to call us and we will come and help them-even if that situation is sheer drunkeness! We think it’s far more important that our children know that even if they make ridiculous mistakes we will be there for them.

OP it sounds like you and your daughter have a similar set up and that is great, I too would be pissed off with the other mom for not being honest although I can also see why she might have worried that your DD might get into trouble and therefore was trying to protect her. I think the pp who suggested a breezy “I heard all about DD and her shenanigans at the party, if it happens again don’t worry about telling me, I’ll come and sort her out rather than you having to deal with her although fingers crossed she’s learnt her lesson”. It helps to keep other parents on side where you can.

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