I can't trust this Mother...

[MistressoftheYoniverse]

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

I’ve followed this thread with interest from the beginning.
There are obviously many important elements to be addressed, which I won’t repeat as they have been highlighted many times,
BUT
the one little thing that keeps coming back to me is
WHY DIDN’T OP ASK TO SPEAK TO DD WHEN THE OTHER MUM RANG??

Truly shit, horrendous Blunt not that I didn't think that already, and I never doubted your maturity/responsibility. It's worrying that she's dodone this so many times, and there must have been warning flags before all this started. I don't think you have to explain yourself you perfectly executed a duty to someone elses out of control dd.
How can we stop it?!

I honestly don't know how you stop it, other than making sure kids don't see booze as some forbidden fruit, think it's cool to get drunk, and not understand the risks, but even then, if they are determined they will.

It really is total and utter shit as a parent, to have to deal with it, either with your own kid or even worse someone else's. You suddenly find yourself in an impossible situation.

If I was the op, I'd speak to thr mum and ask what happened, I'd apologise for my child's behaviour and thank her for dealing with her. I wouldn't go in blaming her.

I'd then probably half kill my child. Which is not thr answer, but I'd make sure they knew the severity of what they did, as well as the deep inappropriateness of abusing someone's hospitality, doing this in their home, and making the parents have to deal with it. I'd then have my child take some chocolocates round and thank the parent and apologise.

Hello everyone,

thanks for the replies...Just to clear up a few things,

I'm in the U.K

I don't drive and was unaware my child was drunk so why would I go and pick her up?

The alcohol was supplied by the mum, Absolut shots and Smirnoff Ice (I was unaware) loads in the fridge, others brought there own as well.

The house is quite big with multiple beds and baths.

DD1 made the classic stupid mistake of not eating closer to the time she started drinking so had nothing in her stomach to soak it up.

My DH and I have spoken to DD1 about what happened and our disappointment in her behaviour, she's very remorseful and it scared her.

DD1 is extremely honest with me, and she's not the hysterical type.. if she was so scared why would she have dared to call me later @ 6am and ask about the call from the mum?

Our relationship is open and yes we don't always agree but I am honest with her and her me.

Tbh Aint it was only after I had ended the call that I thought about speaking to DD and I just brushed it off not wanting to make a big deal, after all a parent was present.

Who told you the booze was supplied by the mother? There is a difference between someone having alcohol in thr house, and supplying it.

Only you know this mother but are you sure she was pouring shots of vodka for your kid? No one has shots in, what she had was a bottle of vodka. Your daughter choosing to drink it neat is something different.

I have plenty of booze in thr fridge. This is not the same as me supplying it.

I'd be very careful here, because it would be rare a mother was pouring shots of neat vodka for kids this age, and I suspect you hadn't got thr whole truth here. It is possible but it's very very highly unlikely what you've been told is the complete truth. Do you know anyone who pours kids shots of neat vodka?

Experience is all different. I just think the 'teach them how to handle it responsibly' is a gamble. In my experience of growing up, it wasn't always the outcome the parents were hoping for.

Yet the first part of your sentence there hasn’t made you any less judgemental toward people who do things differently to you because of their experience.

Alcohol was absolutely forbidden when my mother was a teen. To the point she and her siblings would be in the shit if they cane home remotely tipsy even as adults. This way of dealing with it helped her hone her sneaking skills.

Thanks to her alcoholism I ended up in her care of my grandparents. Who still had an extremely strict stance toward alcohol, probably even stricter due to the state their DD was in. This meant I never went home drunk... so I stayed with friends, or worse just stayed out pretending to have been at friends. I also couldn’t tell them anything that involved alcohol - like the time I had to have the morning after pill. I was 17 so the sex wasn’t an issue, but the condom split. The doctor I saw knew I couldn’t tell anyone as I’d been drunk and that meant i couldn’t tell anyone about the needless internal exam he insisted on doing. The strictness also meant I couldn’t ask any questions or express any opinions.

Giving my kids limited and monitored access to alcohol might not work, but it’s made them safer than I ever was because I know where they are, how much they’ve had, what they’ve had and what they’re doing. And so far DD has a very sensible attitude to it all.

Perhaps you should remember that ‘experiences are different’ before you castigate people so strongly for doing things differently in future.

I don't think the mum was pouring shots but she supplied to booze who has a fridge of Smirnoff Ice and Absolut vodka??, what would you expect to happen as a parent?...she was in the house upstairs and came down when she realised that the children were getting drunk and rowdy...

My daughter apart from getting mashed which she would have told me the next day anyway, she doesn't lie about this type of stuff ..

in fact I sometimes think she's almost too honest! the things we discuss I would never have with my mother and my mum was very open because she was a young mother.

I don't want to lose this relationship even if we sometimes don't agree and I'm not silly enough to think she always tells me the whole truth but that's just not her style so I won't be in the 'my daughters a liar camp'

DD1 made the classic stupid mistake of not eating closer to the time she started drinking so had nothing in her stomach to soak it up.
Sorry but this is bullshit. Having a meal doesn't make the difference between a pleasant evening and passing out on the bathroom floor. I don't think the other mother sounds very helpful, but you also need to have a serious chat with your daughter about binge drinking.

I don't think the mum was pouring shots but she supplied to booze who has a fridge of Smirnoff Ice and Absolut vodka

Me. I have actually a cupboard full of booze. Inc a large fridge in that cupboard, also stocked with booze.

Op, you want to blame the mum, for your daughters sake I suggest you blame her, absolving her of personal responsibility does her no favours.

And if you think teenagers always are honest with you, then you really are naive.

Your kid chose to drink. That's it in a nutshell. She is to blame.

The mum was providing 16 years olds with shots?
Do you realise alcohol isn’t good for anyone’s brain, and certainly not for a young teen girl.
Teens might drink a bit but vodka? It is totally unhealthy.
I wouldn’t be allowing my daughter to go there again.

You come across as having a high level.of alchohol tolerance OP. That things are just OK, even though you didn't say at the time to out your dd on the phone
What DM makes that phone call? Its something dd asks their DM, and DM would surely expect that? When DC younger I've asked for an email off the adult with details in, so I know its not some wool-pulling exercise.
Mine also tell me all theirs and others antics so I know what goes on, including other girls abortions, drug-taking, and the boys stuff, doesn't mean they won't lie ever to cover their arse in a situation like that.
You are minisming your dds drinking by talking about having food beforehand

And yes, who has absolut etc thing. Yes sometimes lots of alchohol around. You seem to be blaming of the other DM, but not really particularly outraged at 'shots' where she was clearly around, and able to make checks on absolutely, and shot glasses, and the state of affairs.
You trusted her absolutely (no pun intended seriously) do you know her well enough for that?
In that situation I would have made only certain alchohol available with lots of food and other things to focus on than just drinking.

Honestly op, there is no judgement here. Plenty of kids do this. It doesn't make them bad people. Just immature.

But blaming the mum because she had booze in the house doesn't help your kid. She has to take personal responsibility. No one poured it down her neck. She elected to do that.

Forget the mum, although I think you should apologise to her and thank her, and I think you should have your daughter apologise to her for her behaviour in her home, and then focus on your child, about the dangers of alcohol and knowing their limits, as well as what is and is not appropriate behaviour. At 16 that's a lesson she needs to learn for her sake.

If that happened to my dd, I'd be reporting the mother to the police

Hello police? Yes I'd like to report a supervised party where alcohol was legally consumed whereby my 16 year got pissed.

FFS, some people, imagine ruining your child's relationship with their friend by overeats ring like this. Only on MN.

It’s just a bit crazy to not tell a parent though isn’t it. If they fainted while at your house or had an accident you’d tell their parent surely?

I know it must be hard to be making that decision on the spot.

I think parents sometimes forget they have to be parents.
A lot of parents want to be their child's friend.
It can be difficult.

I'm 47. Last year I hosted my own DD's 17th sleepover party at our house. I carefully monitored the kids intake the whole evening using a pub measure. Everyone went to bed jolly but not off their faces. At 4am my own DD came downstairs with severe abdominal pain and I had to drive to A&E. Given I was in charge, I felt like a right chump OP. My point is it's bloody hard with the best will in the world monitoring these things and getting it right. I wouldn't be too hard on that hosting mum OP, next time, you host it and try and get it all right. See how hard it is!

I've NRTFT bit has anyone else suggested that it was a friend posing as the mum who rang?

as I explained already I have spoken to my DD.

I am NOT blaming the mum...where did I say that?? I acknowledge that it was not her fault that DD was drunk she didn't force DD to drink..it was the LYING and trying to have the moral high ground that upset me??!!

The mum had out food and both alcoholic and non alcoholic beverages on a table for the party....so for anyone still pretending that the mum was unaware she was ....although that's not what I was upset about in the first place??

For example...I had my DD1's prom after party because they were going to go and meet on a field randomly in the dark...I wanted her and her friends to be safe, I provided soft drinks and lots of food but no alcohol because I would not be party to giving drinks to minors..some kids brought their own I did not challenge them but I kept a good eye on them and everyone left safely.

I will explain again for those at the back...I have spoken in detail with my DD1 about her behaviour and if you don't think I am sufficiently upset for you online you weren't at my home to hear what I said to her were you.

And for those of you who say she's lying...please explain why?...she didn't blame the mum...she apologised to the mum...she apologised to me...she called me the next morning.

I know it's tough trust me ...

No you are right OP. No excuse for lies. However sometimes people tell lies when they've had a few drinks themselves, they maybe find the person they're talking to a bit unapproachable (?) or they fear some kind of late night show-down if the truth is told.

similar experience to Bluntness here. Only in our case there was teenage sex involved as well so I'm probably an even WORSE parent

We agreed to let our 16yo ds1 have a house party. He has ASD and has found the past year incredibly tough, socially and otherwise, and he and we felt the party would give him a much-needed boost, he has very nice sensible friends (mostly) and is generally mature and trustworthy. We were totally blindsided by a situation that developed very quickly, we weren't expecting it and we did the best we could under pressure.

We provided cider, some little bottles of low-alcohol beer and lots of food. Our son was very clear that nobody was to bring any additional alcohol and if they did, he was to tell us and we would take it off them. We agreed to stay in our room out of the way, but do regular forays downstairs so we could unobtrusively check everyone was OK.

About an hour into the party, we heard catcalling and whistling upstairs and became aware, from the comments being made by teens on the stairs, that our son and his 16yo girlfriend were in his bedroom. We immediately knocked on the door and told him to get back downstairs and interact with his guests. The kids on the stairs told us quite matter-of-factly that our son had just lost his virginity and wasn't it wonderful. We were completely freaked out about it, stunned that he would do that with us in the next room, shocked that it had happened so quickly and horrified that both kids had had access to alcohol and there could be potential consent issues etc. We later found out that ds1 and girlfriend had planned the whole thing weeks in advance as they wanted their first time to be somewhere warm and comfortable and nice, ds1 had bought condoms etc. It wasn't the girlfriend's first time, but she has anorexia and other MH issues and I worry about her generally.

Another hour later (we were regularly checking all the kids were OK and the cider wasn't going down too quickly etc) ds1's girlfriend is collapsed on the bathroom floor, sobbing her heart out and having a full-blown panic attack. Apparently after their episode upstairs, they'd both gone downstairs and had some drinks, and she had brought four extra cans of Strongbow in her bag and drunk them all very quickly. She was still able to talk, not vomiting, but crying and clinging to ds1 and generally in a terrible state. I was MORTIFIED. As Bluntness said, it's pretty hard to know how you'll react to this until it happens. I wanted to call her parents, but ds1 flipped out and told me they are violent, abusive bastards who would kill her. They were both crying and begging me not to. DH and I didn't feel she was in a bad enough state physically to need an ambulance but we also didn't feel right being responsible for her and not letting her family know. But ds1 had told me several times previously that her father is physically abusive, so....awful dilemma. We decided to put her to bed, made her some tea and a hot water bottle and allowed ds1 and a female friend to sit with her and stroke her hair etc to calm her down enough to sleep. Neither of us slept that night. The whole thing was horrific, from finding the condom wrapper on ds1's floor to seeing her sobbing on the bathroom floor to finding out we'd been played for total fools by the pair of them and lied to about the alcohol she brought, etc.

So I have some sympathy for the mum in your OP. It's a really shitty situation to be put in. I'm still pissed off with ds1.

@Bluntness100 The situation you were placed in was horrible. But do you know what happened to the girl later? After the prom? Years later? I only ask because I wonder if she ever got help. And if so, if you had told them on the night, maybe she would have got help and the prom incident wouldn't have occurred. That maybe it delayed her getting help.
Please understand I am not blaming you, simply trying to understand how she is now. I understand your daughter being embarrassed and ending the friendship, but I think that girl really needed a friend. And maybe if they stayed friends, she may have been able to get her help sooner?

marns I did think she panicked but it was the way she used the taxi as an excuse not to send her home ...it irked me but I shrugged it off initially as explained in the post although I thought bluddy cheek!..
I understand how she might not have known how I might have reacted but it was the way she said it that got under my skin... only to find out DD was in a bad way..no one forced her to lie either!

I would personally have told the truth and I suppose I expected the other mum would do the same we are both mothers of teenage children, DD1 has stayed before a few of times sometimes at short notice and she called me to confirm...if I was that strict I wouldn't even have allowed her to go surely?

I suppose I might have overreacted but I really don't feel I have deep down...

I might give her a ring just to thank her and reassure her, we are not close but it's good to keep a decent relationship between mums and in the grand scheme of things....