I can't trust this Mother...

[MistressoftheYoniverse]

My daughter went to a party at a friends house on Friday ..we sent her in a taxi to her friends and booked a taxi back @ 1pm for her to return home she's 16yrs yrs old.

So I get a call @ after 11pm just before 12am on my daughters phone from the mother of the girl who's party it is saying, 'Oh hi Yoniverse, I don't feel comfortable to send your DD1 home in a cab it's too late imo for someone her age, all the other kids are leaving...so can she stay the night and come home in the morning?...Now I was confused, she was using my DD1's phone and making me feel like my parenting choices were suspect because 'she felt' that it was too late...I agreed...mainly because I thought she had possibly been manipulated or cajoled by her own DD to get my DD1 to stay the night and I know what that's like, I'm pretty relaxed, but I was still perplexed and tbh a little annoyed but I said 'OK but make sure DD1 calls the Taxi station and cancels ..she said Ok ...a bit later I tried to call my DD numerous times but no answer....

I thought I might call the mum the next day and explain that the Taxi service we use we have been using for over 20 yrs they took our children to school in the morning when they were young, we know the owners/drivers by name so not just any random cab station so nothing to worry about.

FF>> 6am my DD1 calls me and asks did her friend's mum call me last night?... I say yes but why are you unsure?...'Oh she told me she called ..I was just checking' I asked if she told her that she should have cancelled the taxi..she said no ...so I confronted her and said 'you were wasted/mashed last night weren't you?' ...silence...then DD1 reluctantly admits she was so drunk she blacked out, was passed out for over an hour in the bathroom...didn't know how she got to bed, had 17 missed calls from her boyfriend and numerous other things she was unclear about.

I was upset...not completely about my DD1 being drunk....yeah it's not ideal but it happens and it's really hard for a parent to control other peoples children and what they sneakily do...

It was the bloomin lies and the making me feel like a bad parent for allowing my child to travel home in a taxi...it was the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she didn't want to sent DD1 home because my child, under her care had become so drunk that she was too scared send her home in a taxi!

I would have really respected her if she had told me my DD was unfit to travel in a taxi because she had been drinking, she was worried and wanted to keep an eye on her...Things happen, I know it's not what you want to say to another parent but don't friggin lie and make the parent out to be a bad decision maker and that you know better!
I am angry right now...
DD still wants to be friends with this girl but I can't trust this mother

YANBU.

The mother lied to you about the situation instead of just being honest about what had happened. That makes you question their integrity and breaks trust.

I would calm down first, then ring the mother/go see her and talk to her about it. Ensure she knows your DD has told you everything and that you are disappointed that she didn’t feel it necessary/comfortable to tell you what had happened and instead covered it up.

See what she says and if she is genuinely sorry. She may have thought she was doing your DD a favour so she wouldn’t get into trouble, or she may have been too scared to tell you in case you kicked off at her. Either way, it’s no excuse to have not told you. Your daughter was in her care and you should’ve been informed.

I know you say you’re not blaming the mother because she didn’t force your DD to drink, but nobody forced the mother to buy the alcohol in the first place did they? So she has to take some responsibility for this.

I have a rule than anyone drinking anti-socially cannot stay over, its just in case any plan to stash extras for consuming at our gatherings; I won't take responsibility for that behaviour its an abuse of my trust, risky behaviour, and out of order. It has kept things very pleasant and just damn good fun, dancing and merriment without nasty consequences.

Bananasinpyjamas11, I agree with your posts. I grew up in the UK and I have also lived abroad and have returned back to the UK, I am often shocked by the relaxed drinking attitude that people have here. I grew up in a house with firm boundaries set and that included boundaries around alcohol. My parents occasionally had wine or champagne but where not drinking every night, they didn't talk about getting drunk or having too much to drink and I certainly never saw them engage in that type of behaviour. They explained to my siblings and me over and over again about how dangerous excessive drinking can be in terms of our safety and our overall long-term health.

The idea that all 16-year-olds are getting drunk and parents can't prevent this is false, I never once got drunk as an underage person and I didn't socialize with friends who did either. As parents, it is our job to teach and show our children what acceptable behaviour looks like and supplying teenagers with alcohol at a party, or not properly supervising a party in your home is negligent and inappropriate.

Moreover, a 16 years old isn't a 50-year-old adult with the ability to self-protect and regulate in the same way a fully formed adult can. Therefore it is a parents responsibility to make sure that teenagers aren't left alone with alchol.

You're right. Kids do get wrecked and it's not ideal but it's part of growing up for most of them. The lie, particularly the angle she took was a bad idea and you're right to be pissed off at the mother.
I don't think it should affect friendship with the girl but unless you speak face to face to the mother, don't let her stay over again.
Some parents are trying to be 'down with the kids'. There's always one who'll supply alcohol, turn a blind eye to weed smoking or cover for them when they're wrecked. You need to speak to her and let her know that she needs to be honest with you in future!

I can honestly say if a mother was rude to me about not telling her, based on my experience, I'd seriously make her wish she'd kept her mouth shut. Your kid goes to someone else's house, abuses their hospitality, and the parent is at fault for not telling you?

Honestly. I'd not only make her wish she kept her gob firmly shut, I'd make sure every other parent knew this kid didn't know how to behave, was the one to get drunk and that the parent was equally abusive..

What has the mother said? Have you spoken to her yet?

MyMoms I’m assuming you are in the USA or Canada? What was she charged with?

*I can honestly say if a mother was rude to me about not telling her, based on my experience, I'd seriously make her wish she'd kept her mouth shut. Your kid goes to someone else's house, abuses their hospitality, and the parent is at fault for not telling you?

Honestly. I'd not only make her wish she kept her gob firmly shut, I'd make sure every other parent knew this kid didn't know how to behave, was the one to get drunk and that the parent was equally abusive.*

Would you? Really? You’d feel totally fine about that in circumstances where you’d actually lied to another parent about the wellbeing of their child in your care?

I would be upset about being lied to as well - and I would certainly want to talk to the mother and ask exactly what happened - if it was her that rang you, and not a friend, she was out of line. She should have rung you and told you about your daughter's condition.

I''m very impressed at all the replies from people whose 16 year olds would never touch alcohol or drink too much - I wasn't that lucky with my three, despite discussions and rules! My d. had a party when she was 17 at which we had provided soft drinks and low alcohol beer and cider. . Some of the yougsters smuggled in stronger drink. We were in the house, but not in the room where the party was, although I looked in pretty often and some of the youngsters, so I didn't see the smuggled drink. Two boys got very drunk - not passing out but vomiting, clearly incapable and in one case incoherent. I rang their parents straight away - both sets of parents were appreciative and apologetic - and one of the boys brought me flowers the next day to apologise. I would have been concerned though about my DD coming home in a taxi on her own late at night - we always picked her up, no matter how ungodly the hour up until she left home for uni at 18.

Middersweekly - you've clearly not read all the OP's posts never mind the whole thread.

My son stole some alcohol from home and got drunk at his pal’s at age 16. When he arrived home very drunk I just put him to bed, as I didn’t think there was any point getting into an argument at that time, and made sure he was safe overnight. The next morning we had the conversation about alcohol and him stealing it out of my cupboard. We agreed he would not do that again and If he was going to a friends house party I would buy him some alcohol and he had to promise that was all he would have.
This worked very well, and while I cannot be sure he didn’t have any other alcohol, he never again arrived home in the same state.
I do think it is sensible to educate your children on alcohol, just saying no until they are 18 doesn’t really help.
However, I think it is very risky to allow your children to have a party like this as you don’t know how much alcohol is going to be sneaked in.

Haven't read the whole thread as it's very long.

The main issue seems to be that you're annoyed at how you were made to feel a bad parent. It's hard to understand how a person saying they're not of happy sending a lone female teen home in a taxi at 1am after a party is so offensive. I also wouldn't be comfortable doing this.

Re the lying - totally with you, however, you don't know what went down and what position the mother was put in. She shouldn't have lied. If it's annoying you that much - tell her.

Lastly, you need to have quite a large intake of alcohol to end up unconscious on a floor for an hour and next day not have memory of the night before. However open and right on you believe your relationship with your daughter to be and how you've had the relevant conversations etc - your daughter either drank completely irresponsibly or she was spiked (very unlikely at a house party of 16 yr olds).

Frustration and anger should be directed your daughter's way.

Disappointment should be directed to the other mum.

My DD would be grounded for a very long time and parties would be zero until I was fully assured she understood how stupid, dangerous disrespectful (to the other mum and her friend) and irresponsible she was. And the deal would be - no alcohol - even at parties, as she clearly can not handle that responsibility yet.

Thanks @rosewater09 I think that there is a bit of a myth that less cool parents will send teenagers into the scary night with their bottles of vodka, and relaxed parents will have low alcohol cider drinking Mediterranean’s conversing over dinner.

I genuinely don’t see how a parent introducing or banning it will have much of an influence on those paths.
There is research that disputes this! Hopefully we are not in the realm of ignoring evidence anymore?

That’s not to say there are other very significant factors, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts. Or that allowing a 16 year old to drink cider in your home occasionally will produce an alcoholic. However there is a clear link - I think kids who drink younger are 4x more likely to have problems with drink later in life. And parents who give permission to their kids to drink are putting them more at risk of having a problematic relationship.

16-18 years is a tricky one - ideally they should not be drinking - the evidence does say the longer they don’t the better - but if their peers are then it’s not so clear that ‘banning’ is appropriate- but sending out a clear message that it is better to wait, without forcing it - is giving your child the permission to abstain or drink less. It’s not the same thing as saying you don’t do this, it’s saying it’s really better not to. But here are the risks, here’s first aid, here’s what to do if a friend gets ill etc.

It’s certainly not inviting 16 year old teenagers to your house, making vodka freely available, letting them get blind drunk and lying to their parents. That’s not responsible of this girls mum.

yes never trust this mother - but wow super impressed your daughter was honest with you. Of course its terrible she was drunk...but since she made a mistake it was great she could tell you rather than hide it from you.

Just to say its really dangerous for a 16 yr old to have so much to drink they pass out.
I remember two times from when i was young
My friends mother left her very well stocked drinks cabinet unlocked and friends younger brother decided to help himself liberally. He was 12, we were 15 and 'in charge'. We called an ambulance and he was in the hospital for nearly a week recovering - they were very worried about permanant liver damage.
Another time someone passed out near a gas fire that had malfunctioned and they never woke up. all the other 16 yr olds were too drunk to realise theyd not come back from the other room.
Nasty situations happen quite easily, sadly.

To all parents whose children would NEVER drink alcohol or pass out: my dc are now young adults who now confide their escapades to me. Don't be so certain.

Also, fruity drinks go down easily and its very easy to drink too much.

I have a loathing for the fruity drinks, its disguising the alchohol! Give even easier access to it, encourages even younger.

Tragic stories

I think most of us, me included, with teenage children are aware that they are starting to get up to all sorts! It’s a scary time sometimes.

I just hope our kids have the tools, resilience to get through it. I do think we can still reduce that risk by being aware of what helps. We can’t eradicate the risk though...

Hoping that we all get through it unscathed with happy teenagers! Glad also OP that your daughter was okay in the end.

Bananasinpyjamas11, you are spot on. For a work project I was tasked with a few years ago I had to speak with experts in the addiction field and one of the tips I remembered from them was not to normalise drinking and drug use with children. One expert told me that almost every alcoholic he treated had been allowed to drink in the home as a child/teenager, had parents who spoke about their drinking or drug escapes from their youths. The idea from what I can remember is that if kids are taught or see their parents drinking all the time, hear stories from their parents about getting drunk or taking drugs then it creates the idea that if their parents are fine and have survived, then they will too. Obviously, other factors also lead to addiction, but this one stuck out as a highly preventable thing that parents can do with their children.

One of the tips I remember from speaking with experts is for parents to have frequent conversations with their children starting at a young age about healthy drinking behaviour and the health issues that drinking can cause. This means everything from short-term health concerns that alcohol can create, to long-term (increases in cancer, liver damage, etc.).

Catsinthecupboard, I don't think anyone is saying that as an adult you can't enjoy a glass of wine or drink, I do drink occasionally but never to the point of passing out and never to excess and if my child (as a teenager or adult) did so I would be very concerned about their safety.

She should have told you the truth. I am pretty relaxed with kids and drinking because I know it is just something that happens and at least she was safe in someone's house not hanging about on the street like I used to do but she really should have. We can all say Its irresponsible but I know how sneaky kids can be and they dont know their own limits yet.

As far as I understand it isn't illegal to have a 16 year old drink alcohol in adult company BUT to the point of blacking out-irresponsible and I would have phoned, apologised and asked if you wanted to collect her. It sounds as if she did keep her safe, though.

Outrageous!! I would report this incident to the police!!! So dishonest, irresponsible and all the other things you can think of!!! Who does she think she is! You trust your child to a mother and she puts your child’s life at risk!!! Just be weary that might not be the whole story.

No more parties. Simple as that yet effective.

Mum It is really not a police matter. Nothing they can do.

@rosewater09 that’s really interesting what the addiction workers were saying. Good advice. I’m amazed how many parents I know who are a bit reticent about talking about the dangers of drinking or drugs because they had a ‘colourful’ Youth and think it would be hypocritical. We are parents first aren’t we? That means we want our kids to be healthy and happy. It’s nothing to do with being cool and wanting our kids to know that we are cool really about drinking.

One expert told me that almost every alcoholic he treated had been allowed to drink in the home as a child/teenager, had parents who spoke about their drinking or drug escapes from their youths. The idea from what I can remember is that if kids are taught or see their parents drinking all the time, hear stories from their parents about getting drunk or taking drugs then it creates the idea that if their parents are fine and have survived, then they will too.

A close family member was an alcoholic, and drinking was very much normalized as he was growing up. It wasn’t the cause perhaps, I know that genetics, and his personality, lack of coping skills, vulnerability played a part. Yet I’d say by the age of 16 he’d already started to become an alcoholic. Regular drinking. Always the one to do silly stuff at parties. His parents were fairly well to do sociable types, very nice family, but drinking at dinner was very normal, he was given the odd beer when younger. Of course we will never know, but I think a bit less drinking at dinner, and him given permission and encouraged not to drink could have tipped the scales.