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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to have a favourite child?

148 replies

TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 21:10

This is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.....

I feel like my mum had a favourite. I’d say it to her and she’d be outraged and angry at the accusation. Didn’t change the way I felt. She’d say ‘I love you all the same’ which I think is true actually. I don’t believe she liked us all the same though.

I genuinely don’t have a favourite myself but I was speaking to a friend of mine who openly admits that she does. She says that I shouldn’t take it personally, that she loves her children equally just prefers spending time with some more than others.

I’d like some of your perspectives please.....

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 21:16

I get on smashingly with one of my children but find the other difficult to tolerate. I love them both equally and want them both to be happy etc. I don’t think that one is better than the other although the one I don’t get on with us definitely a more daring personality while the one I do get on with is more independent. I can see that they both have their merits but I cant say that one is better than the other. I just have a strong personality clash with one of them. I live him deeply but dislike being around him (loud, moves a lot, constantly wants attention, clumsy, does abnxious things). The other I get on with brilliantly (very quiet, very still, only says something worth saying, can accept it if I am too tired/busy to give him attention exactly when he wants it, capable of entertaining himself). I do try not to show it but it’s difficult when being around I’ve ofvtyem is so draining and being around the other is mostly a very peasant experience.

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 21:17

*thevobevi don’t get on with us caring. He is considerate, empathetic, kind, emotionally very responsive. The other is quite aloof in contrast.

forgottenusername · 26/10/2018 21:18

I have five with over a 15 year age gap. I love them all obviously, especially the fact that they're all very different with individual personalities. My relationship with one of them is just so much easier than with the others. I pretty much know exactly what they're thinking and how they'll react to a given situation about 80-90% of the time. Makes life a lot easier.

They know how I feel, it's obvious to anyone who spends time with us. It doesn't mean I love the others any less, just a different relationship.

My favourite is the one who is currently the least annoying or who has made me a cup of tea most recently!

barkisworsethanmybite · 26/10/2018 21:19

Shouldn’t have a favourite and definitely shouldn’t be openly saying so either. Disgusting behaviour.

IHaveBrilloHair · 26/10/2018 21:22

My Mum did, it wasn't me and it hurt like hell, not helped by me being adopted and my brother being her biological child.
I only have one so not relevant in my home.

Aprilislonggone · 26/10/2018 21:23

I have many dc, no favourite, just a varied mix of relationships.
Usually joke I hate them all equally if they ask!

username1724 · 26/10/2018 21:24

I don't know.. I have 2, 8yo dd and 1yo son. I hate to say it but the baby is way easier therefore more of a pleasure. My eldest is very emotional, very curious and talks non stop. I love them both equally though. However I worry much more about my eldest, she takes up a lot more headspace, and when she goes to her dads I still dread it because I feel so empty and lonely when shes not here. The baby just waddles about laughing and babbling 90% of the time. I suppose I think you can love them differently, no more than the other but just in a different way. My dad gets on really well with my brother and sister, they go to the pub and have a lot of common interests. I don't feel its favouritism just differences and I bare no resentment.

mistermagpie · 26/10/2018 21:26

My FIL has a favourite. He has four children of which my DH is one. One of the others jokingly asked who his favourite was once and he didn't realise it was a joke and answered honestly. The favourite was neither my DH nor the one who asked the question but could have been easily guessed as an outsider. I think it's awful, these are adults so he knows their whole personalities and things. They are very different but love should be equal.

I have two young children. My 'favourite' is the one who is stressing me out the least at any given time but I love them both equally.

Sashkin · 26/10/2018 21:28

It’s fine to have one that you have more in common with. But you should then step up to find something to share with the other one so they both get special one on one time. Both parents should. And it definitely isn’t ok to actually love one more than the other.

Ohyesiam · 26/10/2018 21:28

It’s ok to have a favourite, but it’s not ok to show it. Which is a tall order, but it feels really important.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2018 21:29

I would guess most people have. In exactly the same way as you like some friends more than others, because you like their personality more. I love my girls equally, of course I do, but yes I prefer the personality of one of them more. It might change.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/10/2018 21:30

Honestly, some people are more likeable than others, and they will therefore be liked more. As a parent you hopefully love your children equally, and strive not to show favour, but if your children are different from each other, you may well like some more than others.

People rarely admit this, but if you look at families you know, it is pretty clear.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2018 21:30

@Racecardriver brilliantly put. I could say exactly what you have written about my two.

Fieau · 26/10/2018 21:31

My parents very obviously have a favourite (and it's not me), but they love me and support me and we spend a lot of time together. I don't really mind that I'm not the favourite, we are just very different people.

Oysterbabe · 26/10/2018 21:33

I'm the youngest of 4 and definitely favoured. It was always a bit of a running joke with my siblings. Whenever one of my parents was trying to convince the other something was true they would always say "I swear on Oysterbabe's life"

I have an almost 1 year old and almost 3 year old. They are both wonderful in their own and unique ways. My favourite is whichever one is sleeping best at any given time.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2018 21:36

@barkisworsethanmybite
What if you (hypothetically) have one child who is bossy, a show off, overbearing, needy, constantly demanding attention etc etc and another child who is kind, generous, sweet, giving, funny, easy going etc etc
Wouldn't it be completely understandable to like the latter more than the former?

Escolar · 26/10/2018 21:36

It's not ok to have a favourite. But this is sometimes very hard.

Original poster
TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 21:38

I always thought that I didn’t mind not being the favourite because I was so loved but I’m not so sure I really felt like that. I think it bothered me more than I realised. I tried so hard to please but it never felt good enough to get me to that status where I was first choice, even for a day. I’m trying to find a way of being a peace with it. My mum has passed away sadly.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/10/2018 21:38

My Dad did and still does, it's very obvious to everyone and it is widely admitted that she's the favourite (there are four of us altogether) and it caused massive problems between us growing up.

I still find it tough sometimes, especially when she gets house deposits and cars given to her but then my brothers and I have always said - what we have is earn't by us and that's something to be proud of.

It seems to be quite common that this is the case and not a lot of people like to admit to it (for obvious reasons). I did feel a massive relief though when my Mum and Dad finally admitted he had a favourite - I had always felt that I was being paranoid.

Original poster
TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 21:39

Thanks so much for all your replies x

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 26/10/2018 21:39

I'm not sure I could separate love and like so easily as racecar and others. If there's such a strong preference for one child over the other, to the point where you don't even really get on with one of them, I can't quite get my head round how the amount of love can be the same.

I don't think it's okay to have favourites when children are children at all (might be unavoidable but definitely not ok to show it). As adults, I don't know - people turn out so differently that it must be common to end up with better relationships with some children over others. And to me that would equal more love. But for people who can see a clear distinction between like and love that might not be a problem.

SpottingTheZebras · 26/10/2018 21:39

I don’t have a favourite but I dohave a preference about which one I do certain things with, which is based on their personalities and their likes and dislikes.

florenceheadache · 26/10/2018 21:40

Love all three, none are a favorite. But at different times and in different situations each has their own merit.

sheldonstwin · 26/10/2018 21:41

I don't think it does the favoured child any good, either, if the parents show their favouritism. The favourite can grow up with a sense of entitlement, and may be very shocked when the rest of the world don't see how wonderful the favoured child is.
I speak from bitter experience, of course.

Muddlingalongalone · 26/10/2018 21:42

As a child/teenager I was convinced that my brother was my mum's favourite. It was no consolation that I was my dad's fave because she was the thinker/planner/organiser and more vocal one.
Now I have my 2 x dd's one of whom is like mini me personality wise and one who is like my brother I can 100% see that it wasn't favouritism he was just a hell of a lot more pleasurable to be around. Laid back, fun loving easily pleased vs competitive, bloody minded & stubborn, loud & an incredible wind up merchant.
Dd2 is hearing impaired & exh moved out when she was 4 months so I am more protective of her too.
Dd1 is so incredibly bright and hilariously funny, quirky perrsonality but so much harder work!
I love them both equally, would do anything for them etc but my favourite is always the one who is listening at that point in time - my answer to them.

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