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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to have a favourite child?

148 replies

TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 21:10

This is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.....

I feel like my mum had a favourite. I’d say it to her and she’d be outraged and angry at the accusation. Didn’t change the way I felt. She’d say ‘I love you all the same’ which I think is true actually. I don’t believe she liked us all the same though.

I genuinely don’t have a favourite myself but I was speaking to a friend of mine who openly admits that she does. She says that I shouldn’t take it personally, that she loves her children equally just prefers spending time with some more than others.

I’d like some of your perspectives please.....

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 26/10/2018 23:52

They have partners and lives they put first.

@recklessruby And they may have learned not to need the attention of your parents and just don’t feel so close.

Threadastaire · 26/10/2018 23:52

I find it interesting that so many of the posters commenting about their secret favourites refer to 'easier' children, id never thought of that as a potential for preference. In our house it was a gender preference, my mum was one of those women who doesn't like other women. Eldest son was the golden child until the youngest son came along who was very ill at birth so became the favourite through virtue of being an underdog.

In DPs family he's clearly the favourite by being a boy, far more things are overlooked. He is successful career wise, but not to the extent of his older sister who is multi lingual and a doctor. The running joke is that if he murdered someone she would be the one blamed for not being able to save them. I suspect part of the joke now is that she's so textbook successful that noone could ever think she wasn't thought highly of, but despite that her brother is still definitely favourite!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/10/2018 00:01

I dont have favourites but all my kids would and still do say they are the least favourite

MargaretCavendish · 27/10/2018 00:04

Reading this thread I'm surprised at how young the children some people are describing having preferences for are - for some reason I'd always thought favouritism sets in later, when personalities are a bit more set and obvious. Among people I know with two young children the one aged 2/3 always seems to get most attention because they're so much more demanding of attention than either an older child or a baby - but I guess whether that makes them favourite or not depends on how you feel about toddlers! I have found it interesting seeing just how differently second (or more) children are usually parented as babies - and I sometimes wonder whether that sets off a parental guilt which can be interpreted as favouritism by an older sibling (and I say that as an older sibling!)

Blackberry10 · 27/10/2018 00:12

My mum got on really well with one of my brothers as a teen and could not have a conversation with the other brother without it turning into a slanting match. She is now really close to that brother and got further apart from l the brother she was close to

HollySwift · 27/10/2018 00:14

Occasionally I get such huge bursts of love for (any) one of my DC that I worry they are my favourite! But then another will cause another rush and I realise it’s not that I have favourites, I just get these reminders of how I love each of them so much, just for being themselves.

I have 4 DC. They are all treated and loved equally - I know this because they all complain that somebody else has it easier occasionally - and every time they do it’s a different sibling. Basically when I back up the ‘victim’ rather than the perpetrator when they’re being twats, I’m having favourites. Grin

abacucat · 27/10/2018 00:15

I find it interesting that most people seem to be able to say who is the favourite amongst their siblings, but most parents deny having a favourite.

DP is not the favourite. He is the youngest of a larger family and says himself that by the time he was born, they were just too busy for him. He still gets over looked all the time e.g. not invited to family events. Unsurprisingly he has over time stopped making much of an effort with his parents.

And I agree that if parents don't make the same effort, of course that adult child is going to drift away and not do more than they feel they have to.

I think I was seen as the demanding child. I always got that impression. But my parents favoured my brother and I think I was just trying to demand the same level of love. And yes as a child of course favouring one sibling will be seen as loving them more.

Miljah · 27/10/2018 00:30

So, I skipped through many - okay, all the posts!- to reply..

I always knew my DB was mum's favourite.

I am 55. He's 57.

About 20 years ago my mum's sister, with whom I had a relationship, tho her's and mum's was always 'strained' (too close in age, jealousy) readily said as much. Tho I knew it, the validation she gave me by openly stating it, was huge.

I am lucky that my DB only obliquely tried to capitalise on it. Our mum was basically fair, and smart enough to recognise that it was me, her DD, who'd be supporting her in old age, not my perfectly-OK, but feckless DB.

DreamsofJacaranda · 27/10/2018 00:32

I’ve thought about this a lot, and I honestly don’t think I have a favourite. My DC are all adults, all married, but I still love each of them equally. They are all very different personalities, and lead very different lives, but each has their own particular qualities which make them lovable.

A couple of years ago I was talking about parenthood with one of them, and she said that she had never felt that there was a favourite. I was very pleased, as I have seen firsthand the damage that favouritism does.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/10/2018 00:33

This thread is so interesting. I was the least favourite child ( of two) and was also genuinely the easiest child and not in any way loud, rude, annoying etc. If anything i went so out of my way not to be so she'd like me that i kept myself to myself. My brother has always been the opposite of independent and my DM has always seemed to relish being needed, she still does, they still live together, in a home with his partner, and she still does his cleaning and washing.

She wouldn't admit it, but growing up the distribution of things like chores was very skewed towards me doing them and her doing his, there'd be photos of him all over the house but barely any of me, and i'm not even sure she could honestly tell you if you asked who my friends were or what i did at college, but would know my brother's activities inside out. If i query it she accuses me of jealousy, which is not the case.

I only recently (last few years) realised what a complex the whole thing left me with and i avoid seeing my DM where possible. It's affected a huge no. of my decisions in life (trying to please her/not upset her) and made me feel like no matter what i offer anyone it isn't enough, someone else will be better just by doing nothing. It's tough to shift! Families are so complex...

recklessruby · 27/10/2018 00:34

My two brothers have turned on me accusing me of being daddy's little princess but they do nothing for my parents despite my dad having a series of strokes and a broken hip. My sister can't be bothered either preferring to take holidays abroad with her partner

Miljah · 27/10/2018 00:35

Sorry, meant me, as her DD, not my bro, her DS, who'd be supporting her in old age! Which was what happened....

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/10/2018 00:35

I have already said that all my kids have claimed they are the least favourite. I have 5 kids and the 4 others say the eldest is the favourite although eldest denies this. It appears to be based on the fact that eldest didnt get told off as much as any of the others. This is quite possibly true as he was very quiet and well behaved and you only had to tell him once and he listened whereas the others often needed telling more than once. But all are loved and treated equally.

Unicyclethief · 27/10/2018 00:38

I often feel closer to my daughter because we have more in common. But my son is my first born and that creates a really special bond too. I love them equally, but our relationships are very different.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2018 00:38

I really don’t have a favourite as such as I love them both the same but my eldest is by far the easiest. He’s pretty much a dream child, kind, caring, well behaved, clever and hard working and just seems to have everything going for him. The youngest has ASD and although he’s lovely he’s much much more difficult to parent, of course through no fault of his own, wee soul. I really have to make sure I don’t fall into the trap of favouring one over the other

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/10/2018 00:42

Manipulative two year olds and not my kind of person four year olds? Grin

I wish I could believe that was just a daft post!

abacucat · 27/10/2018 00:50

reckless My DP does little for his parents. If you have spent your childhood and early adult years being treated as obviously the least favourite, then it is not surprising you don't want to put yourself out to look after them when they need it. In my in laws case it is the two most favoured DCs who help the parents. They are also the ones who got the money, time and attention - very obviously. I could see it a mile away at family gatherings.

kateandme · 27/10/2018 01:09

i don't think you like one lesser or prefer or love.i can see how you might have more in common with one because that just how personalities work.but no I still think with the more outrageously behaved one there isn't any different in level of love or preference.you might work harder it might be harder but no there is still just something in my gut that knows it no different level.just different kids.
and its different to if they were friends or people you randomly meet.you might then prefer others.but with children there just feels a totally different link therefore no preference.i don't know why or how to make what im thinking make sense haha but it just is different

AutumnalFeelings · 27/10/2018 01:21

I'm my dads favourite for sure. My sister is my mum's favourite. It's just personality's I think. Me and my dad share a lot in common, we're quite similar. Both like a drink, more gregarious and sociable. My mum and sister are quieter, tidier, have more common sense 

What I love is that objectively, my DD would perhaps be the favourite grandchild. She's incredibly loving and fun to be around. My DN is non verbal and doesn't show any recognition that he knows who we are. Yet, my mum and dad absolutely adore them both equally. My sister has commented on this too. I'm so glad, especially when such a preference between us was shown by them both.

Hasn't affected me though. I know my mum still loves me to death and would do anything for me (and likewise re my dad and sister). After a tough decade going through addiction (me and my mum), divorce (my mum and dad), single parenthood and neuro issues (me) and SEN (my nephew), we're as close as close can be. We all love the bones off each other and would do anything for any of us, so it doesn't really matter.

Me - I would be scared to have another as I'm pretty sure my lovely DD was an absolute fluke 

IWantMyHatBack · 27/10/2018 01:49

I have a favourite. I understand my eldest so much better than my other children, I feel a stronger bond with him. He would probably say the opposite though, he thinks I favour the younger ones.

WilyMinx · 27/10/2018 03:18

I think if you can't help having a favourite, the very least you could do is try to hide it and definitely do not admit it. My mum implied my only sibling was her favourite almost 30 years ago, and it still hurts to this day. My husband is the middle of 3 boys and has a chip on his shoulder about being his parents' least favourite.

Tiredofitalltoday122 · 27/10/2018 03:49

I'm sure my DM sees me as the "difficult" one and my DB as the easygoing one, but I don't think she sees how her own behaviour contributes to that. She's much more critical of me than of him (because she very much buys into "your son is your son until he gets a wife" and believes that, if you ever say anything negative to your son, he'll cut you of his life, whereas daughters will always be around whatever). So I've had constant comments on my parenting - she was "shocked" and "horrified" by how often I was breastfeeding etc etc - whereas she never says anything to DB when she thinks he and DSIL are getting it wrong. Plus I got "dumped on" a lot as a teenager (when I was 16, I knew what her married lover shouted when he came) because girls are meant to be their mums' best friends, which made me a more anxious person, and therefore more difficult in her eyes.

thighofrelief · 27/10/2018 04:39

I'm one of 3 and I took full advantage of being overlooked. Sibling 1 always had very severe MH problems. Sad for her but she was an utter nightmare to grow up with. Sibling 2 was the golden child super competitive and demanded whatever scraps were left. Mum is a complete Narc and hysteric and I was very relieved to slip quietly under the radar. Dads calm and awesome and we kept out of the way of all the madness and just did loads of gardening.

I have 2 DC and one is demanding, grumpy, querulous, angry, dissatisfied. The other i have literally never had a cross word with. They're both adults and i far prefer one. I give most time and attention to the difficult one though and I'm afraid I resent it and he wears me out. The other is a joy and being with him is very restorative.

Dawsonforehead · 27/10/2018 05:27

I'm the least favourite of the 4 of us but DM will hit the roof whenever I draw attention to it, even though other people can see this from the outside. She says she gives us all the same, it's a broken record and the hurt this causes is inexcusable and irreparable to our relationship. It makes me address the way I treat my 2 DC every day as I'm just so conscious of the potential harm. Interestingly DH is the favourite of his DPs, quite openly, and I have to remind him that life is not that easy for everyone.

To those commenting on having favourite 2 or 3 year olds...some of my earliest memories are DM punishing me while older sister got away with everything.

So please, please think carefully about your decision to have a favourite, and it is a decision. Even toddlers are aware of it.

Dawsonforehead · 27/10/2018 05:31

Just to add I think favouritism can become clearer in adulthood through things like buying cars, paying house deposits etc and leaving one sibling out. Sorry, I feel so cross about this topic. Thank you OP for raising it, I hope it makes a difference to a scapegoated child out there.