Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to have a favourite child?

148 replies

TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 21:10

This is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.....

I feel like my mum had a favourite. I’d say it to her and she’d be outraged and angry at the accusation. Didn’t change the way I felt. She’d say ‘I love you all the same’ which I think is true actually. I don’t believe she liked us all the same though.

I genuinely don’t have a favourite myself but I was speaking to a friend of mine who openly admits that she does. She says that I shouldn’t take it personally, that she loves her children equally just prefers spending time with some more than others.

I’d like some of your perspectives please.....

OP posts:
Budgieinaberet · 26/10/2018 22:54

I am one of 5. My DPs always said they loved us all equally.
As an adult I worked out who favoured who most.
My DFs favorite was my DSis
My DMs favorite was one of my DBs
Then I figured out who was their second favorite and I still wasn't on either list so I stopped looking.

But I figured out who their favorites were, because they felt so guilty that they treated them worse.
So I wasn't number 1 or even number 2
But I felt very loved and secure.
As for mine. I love them both, but one is very hard work

Homebird8 · 26/10/2018 22:55

@TeddybearBaby I think you are wise not to revisit the conversation with your sister. It is unlikely now that she will be able to change her viewpoint and it will probably only cause hurt between you. The understanding of your other sibling will reassure you that your experience is valid.

My sibling and I just made the decisions in life that were right for us (although very different from each other) and rolled our eyes at DM’s flip flopping between us. I grew not to rely on anyone’s opinion of my actions and consider carefully whether I can live long term with my own decisions. I think it is time now for you to have the courage of your convictions and perhaps view the resilience you have as a good outcome of a difficult situation. You can do it.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2018 22:56

@universe00
If you prefer spending time with one person over an another, isnt that what a favourite is?

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 22:58

@Petitpamplemouse but obviously I mean the person he is at the moment? No one is the same as an adult as they are at age four. The vast majority of his irritating (to me) qualities like the excessive movement or neediness he will grow out of. In many ways he is an awful lot like me at that age but as I git older I learned the kind of self control that wasn’t natural to me. He’ll learn eventually but in the meantime it’s just not pleasant to be around him. Parents aren’t obliged to like their children. Loving them is enough. And they do have equal measures if love. One is just more tolerable than the other. You can find it sad all you want but I am pretty happy as are they. It’s just a difference in culture I think. You seem to be aproching this from the very middle class white mummy angle which really isn’t how our family operates.

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 23:01

And the two year old is very manipulative. He can make most people do what he wants with minimal effort. I do know my children you know, I siendvyhe majority of my time with them.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 26/10/2018 23:04

I have a favourite. Its whichever one isn't currently mithering me normally Grin

My parents definitely prefer my sister, even now. My sister was easier as a child than me. DS is easier that DD. I try to use that as a tool to guide me into trying not to think it will always be the case and currently its proving true, I expect it will flip at some point again too.

Flowers teddy because being the second best sucks.

purpleme12 · 26/10/2018 23:04

I think my mum preferred and prefers my sister more and I guess finds her easier than me. However I react to how I see my mum's behaviour. So it's just a self fulfilling prophecy if you ask me all of this

HeddaGarbled · 26/10/2018 23:05

Talk to any of my siblings and they’ll all claim that someone else was the favourite. Just because children think one of their siblings is the favourite, doesn’t mean it’s true.

Also, relationships evolve and change and children and parents go through phases of closeness and distance and antagonism, but this is not fixed, or need not be.

UpstartCrow · 26/10/2018 23:05

I think its natural to click more with one than the other, or have a preference. I don't think its OK to let them know.

AnnabelleLecter · 26/10/2018 23:07

My mum has a favourite but also swears blind she doesn't.

What pisses me off more is my mum has carried it on down the generations so that the favoured siblings kids are the favourites.
My dad doesn't do favourites.
I in return have a favourite parent now. Guess which one?

Thomlin · 26/10/2018 23:08

I have two and I have a favourite.

My eldest is like me, has to be right even when she's wrong so this can make for frustrating disagreements. But she's very chilled and quiet, is generally very well behaved and we do "nice" things together like watch a film, go shopping, make cakes together.

My youngest is 4 soon and is absolutely wild and very spirited. Nursery have described her as a hurricane, a solar panel, a Duracell bunny etc. She's an utter comedian and even at such a young age can light up the room. She will be the life and soul of the party, can be quite cheeky and naughty, has no fear of danger so parenting can be difficult to say the least but she is 100% my fave and 100% the opposite of me.

The good thing is, she's her sisters favourite too and they spend a bit of time each with just me (they have different dads and stay on different nights) so we're never really in situations where the oldest would know the youngest is the favourite. Plus the oldest thinks it's her cause she was here first  I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as they're treated completely equally and would never have a reason to know.

Homebird8 · 26/10/2018 23:08

@purpleme12 It can go the other way too. Favouritism can develop towards the child who makes the parent’s life harder if they don’t get it. The less dependent child simply slips through the cracks.

Eatmycheese · 26/10/2018 23:08

@budgetinaberet that’s made me feel really heartbroken for you.

I have three children they are all very young. I will never understand this “favourite” thing. It is anathema to me. Of course one feels affinity or a sense of being a kindred spirit with their children in so many ways. That this would, however, somehow culminate and translate to an obvious or otherwise preference of one over the other(s) is utterly at odds and deeply offensive to the unconditional love I hold for each of them in their own right.

AnnabelleLecter · 26/10/2018 23:14

Meant to add that my mum is very jealous of my relationship with my MIL. Possibly because she is supportive, kind and shows motherly love to me and DD, something mum struggles with.

Budgieinaberet · 26/10/2018 23:14

Please don't feel bad, I was treated very well by both of them, I had a brilliant childhood.

MyfanwyMontez · 26/10/2018 23:14

The Golden Child , I think most families have one. My nan had a favourite grandchild, my mum had a a favourite child, my dad has a favourite child and grandchild. We were all loved equally.
But sometimes, as we were got older there was some competition between us .

Witchend · 26/10/2018 23:16

Thing is though we all have our own viewpoints. And don't necessarily see what others have/don't have.

I'm one of 3. The middle one.
I've seen both my siblings claim that they had it hardest and had the most difficult time growing up and that they were treated badly. Thing is they're both wrong.

#1 says that she never got to do things she wanted to do. She's forgotten the hour and a half round trip we made twice a week until she decided she didn't want to do it every week-and me and #3 were too small to stay at home, so we had 2.5 hours out until after certainly #3's bedtime. She was also keen to do horse riding. Was refused on the basis it was too expensive (as ballet was for me, and other things as well).
What she wanted to do seemed to be expensive or end up with the whole family waiting round for her.

#3 says that he never got as much as us time or items. He got the left overs, was left out etc.
He got hugely more time and things than me and #1 simply because there was lots more money around. Things that me and #1 could only dream about getting second hand, he got new when he didn't even really want it.
And as for left out-he was never left at home when he wanted to come to a ridiculous extent. Once of his favourite tricks was to wait until we were about to leave (often for a timed thing) and then he'd announce he wanted to come. But he needed a shower, and a cup of tea and cake... number of times we were doing things like creeping into the theatre just before the interval because we'd "had" to wait for him. This happened so regularly even into adulthood.

So I tend to take the "golden child" with a pinch of salt.

BlahBlahRidiculous · 26/10/2018 23:17

I read recently that in an anonymous survey 1 in 3 parents admitted to having a favourite child. It was usually the child the found "easier". It also found 1 in 2 Grandparents admitted to having a favoured grandchild. For grandparents it was usually the most outgoing child who they found most entertaining.

I just found this really sad. People say they don't show it but kids can tell these things. I'm another one with a mother who would swear she loves all 6 children equally - but she doesn't and it was glaringly obvious growing up and still is now.

I have a 7 year old and a 10 month old and I feel like the age gap allows me to enjoy them for themselves. If I had 6 kids under 10 though, I guess I may have favourites. But it's not fair. It's not the kids fault.

I also agree with purple me 12 - definitely a self fulfilling prophecy.

recklessruby · 26/10/2018 23:24

I have a ds and dd. Ds is more like me but I also admire my dd as she has traits we both don't have. Confidence. Outspokenness and can read social situations better than us (me and ds are introverts).
When they used to ask me who was the favourite I d say neither of You, it's the cat she s better behaved Grin.
I m the favourite child myself but only recently have parents admitted this. Dm says it's because I was never any trouble and just got on with things and "you're just like your father ".
Df and me have a passion for cars and a lot in common.
Now they 're older it seems it's mainly me who visits and helps out.

purpleme12 · 26/10/2018 23:30

Recklessruby your post makes me wonder if the others don't visit so much because they know that you were the favourite rather than them and they felt that... Might be wrong but it made me wonder

SilentIsla · 26/10/2018 23:34

No.

recklessruby · 26/10/2018 23:41

Purpleme12 They have partners and lives they put first.
I m the only one who has given them grandchildren.
When I was a kid I didn't know this as two of them were in trouble with school or police a lot and another one was always off school.

I did well at school but felt I didn't get much attention as a teen as the others caused so many problems.

JaceLancs · 26/10/2018 23:41

I don’t have a favourite and love them both equally but appreciate different things about them
Like to do different things with them
I treat them according to their needs which are not always the same
However overall it works out fair to all concerned

MyfanwyMontez · 26/10/2018 23:50

Blah
I often find my child gets sidelined because
the other grandchild is more entertaining/outgoing.

ghostlygal · 26/10/2018 23:51

I love all my kids equally but very differently if that makes sense. My DD14 is my life, I'd be lost without her, love her witticisms and her random dance moves. Loath the teenager outburst though. My DD2 is a wild one, a typical high maintenance toddler who can easily trash the house in 2 seconds flat; but is wickedly devilish and a whole lot of fun. She is massively empathetic and caring which is lovely to see blossom. My DS 3 months is a breeze, a happy lovely smiley baby who is by far the easiest to mind and an absolute joy to be around. He just oozes warmth and love. He is my favourite now as he's the easiest but at the same time I love all my DCs and would be lost without any of them. They're my world.