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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to have a favourite child?

148 replies

TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 21:10

This is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.....

I feel like my mum had a favourite. I’d say it to her and she’d be outraged and angry at the accusation. Didn’t change the way I felt. She’d say ‘I love you all the same’ which I think is true actually. I don’t believe she liked us all the same though.

I genuinely don’t have a favourite myself but I was speaking to a friend of mine who openly admits that she does. She says that I shouldn’t take it personally, that she loves her children equally just prefers spending time with some more than others.

I’d like some of your perspectives please.....

OP posts:
BlueEyedBengal · 26/10/2018 21:44

I have 6 between the ages of 28 and 5 yrs. the four youngest were born in 5 yrs and if I did have a favourite, which I haven't I would never show it. My kids are all different but work together as a great team.

Hengine · 26/10/2018 21:45

I think it works the same with parents!
I love them equally and could never choose between them but one is far more easy going and one causes more stress albeit unintentionally.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 26/10/2018 21:45

I definitely have more in common with one of mine than the other. This makes conversation and time spent together easier but I genuinely do not love one more than the other. One of my dd’s openly enjoys and seeks out my company and the other doesn’t. I love them equally & I probably spend more time trying (unsuccessfully) to get the other one to spend equal amounts of time with me.

EdisonLightBulb · 26/10/2018 21:47

Never ok to have a favourite. Ever. I do spend more time with DD because of interests and work patterns, but I don't have a favourite.

MargaretCavendish · 26/10/2018 21:48

I still find it tough sometimes, especially when she gets house deposits and cars given to her

See, this is a completely different level, though. It's one thing to secretly have a favourite and that's maybe unavoidable (I only have one child so don't know and can't judge) but actively treating them like this is a choice and I think quite unforgivable.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2018 21:48

In our family, opposites attract. I'm fiery, dh is quieter more easy going. Dd1 is mini me, dd2 is mini dh. I'm drawn to dd2, dh to dd1. Makes sense really.

whatsnewchoochoo · 26/10/2018 21:48

I'm only having one because I know with absolute certainty that DS will always be my favourite and thus it wouldn't be fair

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2018 21:49

Lol @whatsnewchoochoo . I thought that about dd1 until dd2 came along!

Twotinydictators · 26/10/2018 21:49

I dont have 3, but my first is a 'legend' and my second 'feral'. This clip is Grin I love them both dearly and assume that the one annoying me most will change frequently over the years!

Susiesue61 · 26/10/2018 21:51

No! My sister was/is the favourite and its hideous. I spend a lot of time with DD because she's my only girl but i love all 3 the same

Thehop · 26/10/2018 21:52

I have one of my 4 that I have a very difficult relationship with.

One of them I click with on every level.

I love them all and hope they don’t feel a victim of favourites

retainertrainer · 26/10/2018 21:52

My DH is one of 4 and very obviously the favourite but it’s clear why-he’s never driven drunk, he’s never asked them to bail him out of debt,he’s never caused trouble with the police, never has raging arguments with them or had 5 kids by various men. He’s kind, considerate,hard working, funny. He’s siblings are a shower.

retainertrainer · 26/10/2018 21:53

I should point out that this came in the teens/adulthood. His siblings didn’t go off the rails because of the favouritism.

MinervaMaronne · 26/10/2018 21:54

I have two kids. I love them both and would chuck myself in front of a car for either of them blah blah.

But one is much harder work than the other and I have trouble liking her sometimes.

Neither is my favourite though, and I treat them both as equally as possible depending on circumstances.

Hindsight teaches me that the eldest would have been better off without a younger sibling - she is high needs. But that is life.

My mum has always had favourites and these change over the years. She has always played one or two of us off against others. I never do that with my two kids.

whatsnewchoochoo · 26/10/2018 21:56

I know @arethereanyleftatall - I know no one thinks I know really but I do. Honestly, he's just perfect for me personality wise. I adore him but I'm not natural mother.

curlyrebel · 26/10/2018 21:56

My mum always says to people that I'm just like my dad and my brother is just like her. Which is fairly true, although I am similar to her in ways she didn't seem to see. But it's given me a real complex over the years and I never could shake the feeling that she loved me a little less.

As a mum now I realise how much she must love me. But I do think that it's natural to be more drawn to a child who is similar in personality to yourself. If I felt like that when my children got older I wouldn't make it obvious to them. I'd like to think they'd feel secure and loved equally.

altiara · 26/10/2018 21:57

My favourite is whichever is the least annoying! If I ask them who’s my favourite child, they’ll answer ‘the cat’. Then I ask them what have they done that’s so bad that I would prefer a vicious bitey cat!!

MinervaMaronne · 26/10/2018 21:58

There was a great scene from Roseanne, years decades ago. She went to kiss one daughter good night and said "you know you're my favourite?" and then went to kiss the other good night and said the same thing. They were in the same room so they heard it all.

I loved that.

Threadastaire · 26/10/2018 21:58

I remember repeatedly pushing my mum about my older brother being the favourite. She got a bit annoyed and responded with 'no, (older brother) isn't the favourite, (other brother) is. (older brother) is my second favourite'. There were three of us.

Needless to say, me and mum didn't have a great relationship!

Petitepamplemousse · 26/10/2018 21:59

@racecardriver, you sound SO negative about one of your children it’s very hard to believe this wouldn’t affect him or his behaviour.

Weathermonger · 26/10/2018 22:00

I have 2 daughters and a son. The youngest is 14 and very moody, at that age she's not interested in spending time with her parents. Fair enough. My son (17) shares my (warped) sense of humour, we will laugh and laugh at something that everyone else in the family looks askance at. My eldest is 21 and left home, we have developed a more adult relationship. So, do I have a favourite ? No, I love them all dearly, but they are different people in their own right, at different stages of their lives, so why wouldn't my interaction be different with each one ? Not favoured, just different.

Homebird8 · 26/10/2018 22:02

I am sorry for your loss TeddybearBaby. It sounds a tortured loss which you are still processing. Flowers
Things were similar with my DM but perhaps not so fixed. She had a favourite always, but you just never knew who it would be. Sometimes the favourite would be the same for a few days, sometimes for a few years. There was always someone ‘in the sun’ and we coped by talking with each other acknowledging that we understood the current situation and valuing each other. Do you talk with your sibling about how things were? Is it a topic that can be opened?

fleshmarketclose · 26/10/2018 22:02

I'm one of six, our df managed to make each one of us think we were his favourite. I have five dc, I find one of them easier than the others but none of them are my favourite, I love them all equally and we have different relationships but each one is equally important to me.

derxa · 26/10/2018 22:06

I think Bruce Forsyth said it best. "You're my favourite" Which he said to everyone. I say to my boys, "You're my favourite child called Jim" or whatever.

TheBigFatMermaid · 26/10/2018 22:07

DD1, age 23, would absolutely say that DD2, age 13 is my favourite, but she is wrong.

I parent them differently, for one because the co parent is different....... and for two because they are very different people,

If I had told DD1 of for every little thing she did wrong, I would have told her off once a day, if I had told DD 2 off for every thing she had done wrong, I would have destroyed her! She is an amazing person and should not be destroyed!

I also have a DS, who has just kind of plodded along and is as good as gold most of the time, but occasionally has proper tantrums, during which no one can do right. He is best left alone during these times and dealt with appropriately later. Both my girls see that as wrong too, but it is right for him!

Non of these are my favourite, but they all think someone else is!