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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to have a favourite child?

148 replies

TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 21:10

This is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.....

I feel like my mum had a favourite. I’d say it to her and she’d be outraged and angry at the accusation. Didn’t change the way I felt. She’d say ‘I love you all the same’ which I think is true actually. I don’t believe she liked us all the same though.

I genuinely don’t have a favourite myself but I was speaking to a friend of mine who openly admits that she does. She says that I shouldn’t take it personally, that she loves her children equally just prefers spending time with some more than others.

I’d like some of your perspectives please.....

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 26/10/2018 22:08

I dont really have a favourite. Love them all equally and they all drive me nuts. I get on really well with my youngest ds as my oldest ds are all away from home and although i also have two young girls, bringing up boys is more familiar to me! He has a lovely personality and very placid and different from the girls. They are way more feisty and moody!

DammitOedipus · 26/10/2018 22:09

My parents have 3 kids. We are all loved very much; equally, I would say. My mom and I talk every day and are very close and always have been. My brothers don't have that same relationship with her. I don't think that means I'm liked more, just that we're different. People are different and as long as everyone feels valued, I think it's ok.

OhTheRoses · 26/10/2018 22:11

Only in your heart. Never in your head or their heads. And it varies as they age and get bigger. Have always told mine I love them completely and utterly but I want to be able to like them too.

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 22:15

@petitpamplemouse I have this remarkable thing called self control where I keep my private thoughts private. And I don’t think I am that negative about him anyway. In many respects he really outshines his brother. They are both bright children but the one I don’t get on with has something very special about him that the other lacks if I am going to be completely honest. The one I get on with is also quite selfish, a bit violent (as much as a naice two year old can be), pretty uncaring, extremely manipulative. Obviously all these things sound quite negative but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is a good person or I don’t like him. They both have traits that I don’t like/that worry me. On the whole they are both very little coy in that they have traits that in combination create quite remarkable personalities. One displays are remarkable depth of emotion and the other has remarkable self control (and control over others). I have no dobut that they will both go very far in life (although in very different directions) and they will both grow into remarkable men (albeit in slightly different ways) I just find spending time with one of them very draining. I don’t show it obviously and I don’t avoid him (not that that is even possible). He’s just a bit much. Nothing wrong with that of course, just hit my kind of person.

Original poster
TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 22:15

Thanks very much @Homebird8. The one that is the favourite hates to hear it so I wouldn’t go there again really. She gets really defensive of my mum, she becomes a bit hysterical tbh. Last time she was really crying and saying ‘how can you say these things about mum?! You know that it’s not true!!’ She really hates it. But between me and my other sibling it’s just acknowledged like it’s a fact. I do feel a little bit bad because I know my mum would feel gutted to hear it but I do think she preferred my sisters personality to mine.

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 26/10/2018 22:19

My mum has a favourite but she never made it obvious when we were kids. We just figured it out as adults and it’s become a running joke in the family.
We all take it in good humour and we know she loves us all equally but can’t help being drawn to one more.

SinkGirl · 26/10/2018 22:23

I have twins who are 2. I have very different relationships with them already.

One has a range of disabilities / health issues and barely survived at birth. I feel much more protective of him. He has a lot of delays and can’t interact with me much, but then he’s the one who will give me a kiss every time I pick him up. He loves being sung to, whereas the other isn’t fussed, so that’s our thing.

The other is boisterous and crazy - he’s so funny, but he can’t communicate with me either yet and isn’t one for kisses and cuddles normally (although he’s started coming to me for cuddles more). We have little games we play together that are our thing, whereas the other doesn’t play.

Do I have a favourite? Sometimes, but it changes daily / hourly depending on what they’re doing. Sometimes I catch myself feeling a bit of favouritism to one and it worries me, but then later that day it will flip the other way. I think our relationships are just different.

ChimesOnSundayMorn · 26/10/2018 22:24

No. If I feel anything close to preferring one, I make the effort to reconnect with the others.

I don't think you can be a good parent and have a favourite to be honest.

Windgate · 26/10/2018 22:25

My mother has a very obvious favourite. It's the one that treats he like shit not the one that cleaned up her actual shit this morning. Guess which one I am.

Petitepamplemousse · 26/10/2018 22:30

@racecardriver, I guess I just find it a bit disturbing how you are pigeon holing (in your own mind, not verbally) such young children. Such young children don’t have fully formed personalities but you’re implying they do. It’s odd. They may change completely by the time they are older so your statements abot one being ‘not your kind of person’ are strange and a little sad.

ChimesOnSundayMorn · 26/10/2018 22:30

Teddybear I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. Don't let your sister or anyone tell you your feelings aren't valid.

It's very very painful to always be the scapegoat or second best even though you're trying so hard.

HotSauceCommittee · 26/10/2018 22:31

Don’t take it too seriously; we all have our peaks and troughs with our loved ones to the extent I’ll say to either of my DS’s “your are/not my favourite son!”. They laugh (they are only 10 and 15) and know what I mean. They have different attributes (ways of pissing me off) and seem to be secure enough of my love to get that I love them but they can be pains in the arse.

Petitepamplemousse · 26/10/2018 22:32

Also a two year old is hardly ‘manipulative’ or at least not so much that you can put that personality label on them. Very weird.

Singlenotsingle · 26/10/2018 22:34

Both my ds were convinced that the other one was the favourite - the oldest though the youngest was favourite because he was the youngest. The youngest thought the oldest was favourite because he got here first. Actually I loved them both the same.

CrunchieFriday · 26/10/2018 22:35

After many, many years of childlessness/fertility problems I am very happy to say that I have a MASSIVE favourite. Sometimes I wish we could have had another favourite, and a sibling for DD, but it never happened.

Original poster
TeddybearBaby · 26/10/2018 22:36

Thank you @ChimesOnSundayMorn. I need to work through this for sure! Reading all these replies are helping me x

OP posts:
Didnotexpectthis · 26/10/2018 22:39

I have a very emotionally demanding, anxious dd who is needy yet won’t allow me to be physically or emotionally close to her and asks for a lot but gives very little in return. And I have a very affectionate, kind, sweet, generous DS who likes to spend time with me and is open as I am to him.

As a result of her hypervigilance and objectivity, dd can be extremely insightful, intelligent and wise in a way that ds is not. I do however prefer to do day to day stuff with DS.

JuJu2017 · 26/10/2018 22:40

I think some do, yes. My MIL clearly has a favourite child (noticed by all since by Dh and sil were children). When I had two boys in a row she said she felt sorry for me because having a girl is the best thing ever and sons don’t compare to daughters. She told me to try again to fill the void that not having a daughter would leave. She said if Dh had been a girl she would not have had more children and if sil has been a boy she would try again. She favours sils daughter over my boys too so I feel like her favouritism is motivated by a clear gender preference for girls.
I love my boys equally and although I don’t have a daughter, I can’t imagine that I’d love her more than them if I did. It doesn’t seem natural.

WitsEnding · 26/10/2018 22:43

My children are very different personalities and both think the other is the favourite - I love them both as much. When they were smaller they always thought the easier one was the favourite and that one always asked for treats for both of them.

I was bottom of the pile growing up but not now.

OhTheRoses · 26/10/2018 22:44

@windgate Flowers

reforder · 26/10/2018 22:46

I was going to make a post about this but was too scared Blush I have a favorite I’m ashamed to say...

One child is super intense and serious like DP and the other is more easy going and fun so I just enjoy her more. The love is definitely there for both and i work hard to make sure no one will ever be able to tell but yup, definitely have a favorite.

universe00 · 26/10/2018 22:47

To openly have a favorite child - no
To prefer spending time with one more than the other - yes

Zippytydoodar · 26/10/2018 22:47

My mum always says her favourite child is the one who needs her the most (there are four of us) unfortunately the one who always 'needs' her is a 50 yr old addict who is always after her money, she admits she feels sorry for him.
I work very hard but get told I must be bored if I fancy an afternoon laying on the settee watching TV. Brother sleeps all day and feels very sorry for himself.
I guess it's not about it being ok, it is what it is and it pisses me right off. Nothing I can do though.

Livingloving · 26/10/2018 22:51

I’d never think of it as having a ‘favourite’ but I do feel more loving feelings towards one child.

Zigazagazoo · 26/10/2018 22:53

Your OP could have been written by me. My mums swears until she’s blue in the face that she doesn’t have a favourite and she ‘loves us all the same’ but the sun shines out of my sisters arse. We’ve just had babies 16 weeks apart and she and my sister are all chummy. It does hurt but it’s life.
I only have the one dd so can’t comment on favouritism myself.