Is it ok to have a favourite child?

[TeddybearBaby]

This is something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.....

I feel like my mum had a favourite. I’d say it to her and she’d be outraged and angry at the accusation. Didn’t change the way I felt. She’d say ‘I love you all the same’ which I think is true actually. I don’t believe she liked us all the same though.

I genuinely don’t have a favourite myself but I was speaking to a friend of mine who openly admits that she does. She says that I shouldn’t take it personally, that she loves her children equally just prefers spending time with some more than others.

I’d like some of your perspectives please.....

I only have two, so perhaps having fewer children to choose from makes it easier to not have a favourite. I love and cherish different things about each of them; they're both wonderful, funny and kind, though, and very easy to love.

I don't consider either the easier child; they've both had challenging phases and wonderful phases, they've both had me lose the plot and they've both charmed the life out of me. It's a lovely feeling to genuinely acknowledge that I love them equally, exactly as they are. They don't seem to have any deep desire to be favourite, either, and I don't think there's a great deal of jealousy or resentment for the other one; if one is on my lap having hugs the other might join us but won't push the other away.

DH was absolutely his Mum's favourite and she's never made any bones about that. That seems to have come with many strings attached, though, and over the last year or so he's had a fall out with her that's meant they've cut most of their ties now; I know it's been very upsetting for her (and for him also - though he's feeling very liberated at the same time) but she's done the oddest thing; she's switched allegiance to her DD now, who was previously the black sheep. It's the strangest thing, and it's something i hope not to replicate with our DC.

Everyone knew which was the favourite child of my grandparents (big families). Yet my parents (not the faves) adored their parents & bore them no ill will. The faves still got bollocked & argued with (plenty) & unfair treatment in moments. Wasn't a complete free for all.

As long as it's not Dudley Dursley vs. Harry Potter, I think most families can cope.

My kids know that I have a favourite... whoever is least annoying me at the time.

My whole childhood was ruined by obvious favouritism by my father towards my sister. And it has left me with issues as an adult too. I would go as far as to label it emotional abuse actually. It is incredibly cruel to make it obvious that you prefer one child over their sibling. For those that do, please try your utmost to hide it. And as for me, I will never have more than one child so that they don’t go through what I did.

My DGPs very very obviously preferred my uncle to my DF. It still affects him and he's 72.

Ironically DF shows favouritism towards my DSis over me. Nowhere near as bad as he had but it hurts and makes me reluctant to see him.

With me there it wasn’t obvious. No one would have got anything more money wise for example and things like if I was ill mum would be straight round and very bothered but you could just tell that my mum was so pleased with my sister, I think she thought they were alike.

It’s probably coming up for me now because that sister has now become my other sisters favourite! She gushes to people ‘our sister is the loveliest, kindest person you’ll ever meet, isn’t she teddy!!’ To be fair she probably is and that’s another thing, it’s not her fault she’s everyones favourite. She is very lovely.

My dad genuinely never had a favourite.

I’m so sorry to hear the stories where people have been very effected. It’s hard to deal with I think 💐

Children know if you have a favourite.

I don't care now but it wass baffling and hurtful as a child. If your own mum doesn't love you, you must be unloveable.

Golden child is definitely s thing in disfunctional families.

I have 2 boys and whilst I don't have a favourite one is definitely easier to like.

DS1(13) is calm, helpful and funny. He is such a pleasure to be around but worries about everything and needs loads of reassurance as has zero confidence.

DS2 (7) is like a little firecracker. He is loud, argumentative, fiesty and very determined to be the best at everything all the time. Has no confidence issues and quite honestly wouldn't be bothered if I disappeared off the face of the earth. He was also born prematurely and had a rather difficult start to life so in theory I should be more protective of him.

My mother in law favours my husbands younger brother. She would deny it to the hilt and be all upset if you mentioned it but it is so, so clear. She is obsessed with him. He is all she talks about. It’s cringe. I dont know how my husband can stand it!

I have 3 kids. 2 of them are really easy to get along with while the third is extremely hard work. I love them all and wish the best for them all.

In this house, the favourite child is the one not causing me grief so it can be zero to three kids. They have all tried to get me to say that they are my favourite 😂

I think parents think they hide it but those feelings will be picked up on in some way

In our family we have had a pattern of a favorite daughter and the other child/children being over looked it’s so glaring obvious and has caused a lot of hurt

It's a tricky one. I only have one, so from the parents side I can't really comment, but reading other parents explaining has helped me understand a bit more.
From a child's point of view I know my mum has, and always has had, a favourite. But in all honesty I think there are mitigating circumstances for her. I was in my teens when my sister and shortly after, my brother came along. And I was an 'awful' teen, who was (from my mum's pov) difficult, obnoxious at times and with my behaviour worried her sick. My step dad and I didn't get on, and as diagnosed later in that period, I had (and still have) mental health problems. I know now that my step dad was emotionally abusive, he admits it himself, and my mum admits she stood by and did nothing. Well not quite nothing, from age 9, it was always my fault. That's causes its own problems.
My sister was always bright, ahead of her age, determined, academic, sporty and driven - the total opposite of me and my brother. Being that way also makes her very like my mum. I feel I would have also been like this consistently if I hadn't suffered mental health issues. I have had, and still do, have periods where I'm that person.
At the time my sister was developing into this person (who I greatly admire) I was in the worse years of mental illness, with breakdowns and ultimately an admission - which left mum picking up the pieces.
I wouldn't say my sister is her favourite, I'd say that she's been the least troubled, the one easy to be proud of, the one my mum can relate to the most. But in my darkest moments, I see it as favouritism and it hurts.
One thing I have never done though is take it to my sister, I've never tried to make her feel crap about it, it's no more her fault who she is than it is my fault who I am. I'm incredibly proud of her, and I tell her so.
My brother is a closed book, to everyone. Has been for around 5 years. He lives on the edge of the family, never quite getting involved. We now let him get on with it, we've all tried and it appears this is how he wants it to be. He's the only boy and the baby of the family so I think that's very hard for my mum to accept.
She has always been there for all of us, she's never walkied away from me, even when it's not been pleasant to have her around if I'm honest. She's supported me, my sister and brother equally, but in different ways at different times.
On the face of it my sister is the favourite, but it goes much deeper than that.

I don't have a favourite as such but my middle child has me wrapped around his little finger. We had a tough time getting him. Had multiple miscarriages and a really difficult pregnancy. He knows he fixed mummys broken heart and for that he is definitely my special one. We have a very special bond. I love them all the same though.

I would think it's probably normal to get on differently with your dc, particularly as they get older. In life, you click with some people more than others, after all. My dc are only young, I genuinely don't have a favourite, although obviously the 2yo demands more of my time than the 8yo. My 8yo is a little extrovert, I get energised (on a good day) from spending time with him. He brings out the best in me. On a bad day, he grates on me and I have to try extra hard not to get wound up (I'm the adult after all). He's very much like his dad, who is my favourite person to spend time with.

Dd is a lot more like me. As she gets older I might find I have more in common with her, hopefully there will be some common interests. I adore her, she's ridiculously cute. But she is equally ridiculously single minded (she was adamant about choosing her own clothes from around 18 months) and nobody will ever make her do something she doesn't want to. It's going to cause us all kinds of challenges, whereas ds was pretty placid and laid back at the same age.

The things I admire and love in dh is reflected in ds, and I see myself reflected in dd. I suspect that the less attractive traits of each will come out over time too!

Imagine yiur dc reading that their mum or dad finds them 'difficult to tolerate'. Even though I understand where people are coming from I also think labeling someone difficult can be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I love my twins equally but like one more

My lg talks so well, says please and thank you, tells me she loves me multiple times a day and is really sweet

Lb throws cars at me, cant really talk but can be really sweet too

There's no shame in having favourites I don't think. Already I've noticed that there's times I get on better, find things easier etc with one of my kids compared to the other. But it comes and goes. So right now I find it easier with one child, then I've found it easier with the other.

The problems come when parents blatantly show favoritism and constantly favour one child over the other with their behaviour. I'm one of 4. I'm not the favourite of either parent. DB is mums s favourite and Dsis is dads favourite. To the point where even as adults my parents will do things for these siblings they refuse to do for me and other Dsis.

Since having kids, I've also seen my mum display blatant favoritism towards my younger son over her other grandchildren. I joke he is the new golden child now.

My mum did. But it was ok because he is my favourite too.
I think it is natural and as long as you treat them all the same and try not to show it (I know, I know) then it is just human nature.
This happens to me with my niece and nephew. My personality is just more comfortable with her. I will never say it in real life!

And I agree that how ever much you try and hide it, kids know if you have a favourite.

I definitely don't favour either of my children, but there's been times through both of their childhoods that I've had to focus a lot more on one than the other, which has caused resentment ( and an accusation of favouritism by my eldest). My boys are also totally polar opposites of each other, and there's a 5 year age gap - so both at very different points of life

My eldest is 15, he's strong willed , very clever , won't ever accept he's wrong, also very loyal, a wonderful friend. Aged 5-10 was a very turbulent time. He's my DS from a previous relationship, he doesn't have the best relationship with his Dad ( very basic EOW "Disney dad" ). He was hard to parent as a young child, very angry all the time , used to fight us all violently. He's now turned into the loveliest teenager. Still strong willed, but secondary school has been the making of him

DS2 is 10, he's totally the opposite, he's calm, quiet, hates conflict. He's had medical issues for several years that threw our family into utter turmoil which were still trying to pick up the pieces of. Life will never be easy for any of us because of it. We also have to deal with the after effects of the treatment- learning difficulties etc.

Subsequently, there's been times when both boys have needed a lot of focus. DS1 found DS2's illness very hard to deal with - he felt we favoured him. I've also, admittedly, spoilt DS1 as I've had to play Mum/Dad a lot of the time and I feel guilty that he's got the life he has.

I hope neither boy grows up thinking I favour either, they just have totally different needs

@ThereGoesTheAlarm how do you know if that's only in your company? She may well do the same with his brother but about your DH? 🤷🏼‍♀️

There are other indicators. She prefers BILs kids over ours for example and goes to much greater lengths to help them out.

Looking at my favoured siblings pathetic, screwed up life, I'm extremely relieved I wasn't the favourite.
Being mum's favourite seems to have been a curse.

Okay, I will start by saying that both my parents were incredibly disfunctional, and growing up with them was hell on earth.

They alternated neglect (never around, never making any food, shouting and slamming door) with extreme control.

In all of this my sister was my mother's favourite, and it hurt a lot. She could get away with being a difficult teenager and if something happened to her it was inevitably my fault. She had more freedom and wasn't smacked even when she misbehaved. Don't know why my mother didn't like me as I was a quite child, but for many years I guessed it was somehow my fault and I wasn't likeable.

Children do feel if parents have a preference and if it's obvious it can impact their future relationship with the parents.