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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think these two girls are being neglected. And what do I do?

164 replies

Whysoslow · 26/10/2018 18:15

Two young girls 8 and 5. Live at home with mum and stay with dad for two days a week. Mum lives a very chaotic life which means the girls regularly go to bed late and unwashed. If they get head lice they are not treated as mum thinks the treatments are too harsh and bad for their skin. House is a tip and dirty (cat faeces on floor) The girls don’t have appropriate clothes and shoes for the seasons (walking around in leather boots in boiling weather in the summer due to not having sandals/flip flops, no winter coats etc) clothes are dirty and not changed; they sometimes go to bed in their dirty clothes as she can’t be bothered to wash them or it’s simply too late) The list is endless. The mum just has completely the wrong priorities and to top it all she is going away for a weekend for a friends birthday and will miss her 8 year olds birthday.

All of the above is not due to a lack of money or education.

I feel so sorry for these girls.

OP posts:
Mondaytired · 26/10/2018 19:25

m.youtube.com/watch?v=XHgLYI9KZ-A

Have a watch of this.. adverse childhood experiences... don’t let these two have ACEs.. situation can be changed now

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2018 19:25

Missing the birthday is part of a massive patterrn of the neglect.

More emotional stuff?

If the child got a present etc on another day, that’s a big red herring that isn’t anything to do with anything.

xJessica · 26/10/2018 19:25

It doesn't matter how you know, I don't know why everyone is fixated on this. If you're reporting anonymously, there's no need for anyone to know how you know. I'd report it, it sounds as if they're being neglected and need an adult to help them. That said, there's nothing to say the dad isn't doing anything about it, none of you know he isn't. This is about what it's like at the mum's house, not the dads. They're only there 2 nights a week.

SummerStrong · 26/10/2018 19:26

What is their life at dads? He needs to step in and ensure his DD's are better looked after.

If dad can't be bothered either then social services need to be told.

GemmeFatale · 26/10/2018 19:30

I’d report to social services and let the school know too. If things are ok at home no harm done, if things aren’t mum (and dad) will get help to recognise what is required and to do it.

chumbal · 26/10/2018 19:41

Please report this to Social services and they will investigate both Mum and Dad and the wellbeing of the children who are central to your concerns.

I hope the outcome is better for them 

Menolly · 26/10/2018 19:45

Its difficult to say without more details. If you are concerned it is always best to report, just be prepared that most of what you have said actually might be nothing to worry about.

The girls regularly go to bed late and unwashed. How late? are they washed in the morning? If they get head lice they are not treated are the headlice combed out? got rid of without chemicals? House is a tip and dirty (cat faeces on floor) Untidy isn't neglect, dirty could be, depends if cat faeces is left on the floor or if its just that the cat is an arse and you've seen it before shes got there to clean it up. The girls don’t have appropriate clothes and shoes for the seasons Some kids won't wear sandals/flipflops, or coats, as long as their boots fit and they have layers to keep them warm enough in winter (i.e jumper, hoody, jacket) it is not neglect.

xJessica · 26/10/2018 19:56

I can't get my head around her missing the daughter's birthday. That, to me, IS emotional neglect. How is that poor child going to feel?

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2018 19:59

I can't get my head around her missing the daughter's birthday

Presumably the daughter is with the dad. If he were away, no one would be screaming emotional neglect.

Spikeyball · 26/10/2018 20:08

I don't think missing birthdays is neglect. They aren't made a big deal of in some families. They weren't in my family but we weren't emotionally neglected

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2018 20:10

I can't get my head around her missing the daughter's birthday.

With separated parents one parent will always miss the birthday.

nokidshere · 26/10/2018 20:15

Since you don't say "omg I was shocked today when I found out......." I'm assuming this has been going on for a while. And that you know the family well. In which case you should be ashamed of yourself for not reporting it already if things are as bad as you say.

Missing a Birthday is not neglect by the way.

stickssss · 26/10/2018 20:19

I'm a CP social worker. Home conditions as you've described would have me advising the parents they have 48 hours to make significant improvements. If nothing has changed in the 48 hours, I would advise they need to give consideration to an alternative placement where the children can stay whilst necessary improvements are made. Depending on continued engagement and how receptive the mother is to advice, I would also consider a child protection plan under the category of neglect. No child should live in such an environment. Head lice is common in childhood, however can be managed by regular treatment. Animal faeces in any home is completely unacceptable.

I'd also be looking at the emotional impact of the children living in such an environment, in addition to the mother actively choosing to miss her child's birthday.

Unfortunately, some parents don't prioritise the needs of their children.

OP, please report direct to your local safeguarding team. Your Local Authority website will have contact details.

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2018 20:21

I'd also be looking at the emotional impact of the children living in such an environment, in addition to the mother actively choosing to miss her child's birthday

Really? Even if the child was with her dad?

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2018 20:23

I'd also be looking at the emotional impact of the children living in such an environment, in addition to the mother actively choosing to miss her child's birthday.

I don't understand all of the emphasis on this. If the mum had spent the birthday with her daughter then the dad would have missed it.

stickssss · 26/10/2018 20:24

children living in such an environment, in addition to the mother actively choosing to miss her child's birthday

Really? Even if the child was with her dad?

Yes, because it's part of the bigger picture of what life is like for these children. How does this child feel about her Mum missing her birthday? Children are generally very loyal to their parents, particularly primary carers, and want to celebrate with them, no matter how neglectful the parenting afforded to them.

Santaclarita · 26/10/2018 20:28

Why the hell does it matter how she knows? Is it OK for it to happen if she is the fathers girlfriend and she should keep her nose out of it? Jesus...

Yes for God sake tell social services. They are being neglected. Who gives a damn why you know or who you are. Their mother should be taking care of them better.

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2018 20:30

Yes, because it's part of the bigger picture of what life is like for these children. How does this child feel about her Mum missing her birthday?

Mumsnet social workers are very different from the ones I know in real life.

I can’t imagine a situation where the child is with their dad on their birthday but social services advise mum she is supposed to be there as part of her parental role.

Passmethecrisps · 26/10/2018 20:34

The post from the SW just says looking in to the birthday. It plus one factor in many. In an otherwise healthy and well kept family this wouldn’t raise anyone’s eyebrows as no one one know. With a lot of tangible issues like inappropriate clothing and unhygienic living conditions that decision is at least interesting

stressedtiredbuthappy · 26/10/2018 20:41

Purple daisies I don't know many mums who'd be happy to miss their child's birthday for a friends birthday.
Do you?

SD1978 · 26/10/2018 20:44

I'd want to know why you're more concerned than the father. Clearly neither parent gives much of a toss about the girls. I'm surprised school hasn't picked this up if the conditions are as dire as you state- both girls must be underperforming at school and smell. If you're not exaggerating- then both parents and the situation should be reported to SS- and the school reported for failing to safeguard. Or you've vastly exaggerators because you're 'on' dads side and need to back off.

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2018 20:45

Purple daisies I don't know many mums who'd be happy to miss their child's birthday for a friends birthday.

That’s irrelevant. People make all sorts of decisions I wouldn’t but that doesn’t mean they’re neglecting their children. The op had lots of concerning things in it but the birthday thing where the child is with their other parent isn’t one.

XingMing · 26/10/2018 20:47

I know nothing about such lives, other than what I read in tragic news stories, but it would have my antennae twitching big time. Sorry to all those people saying butt out, not your business, this is normal... but it isn't normal. Most parents would move heaven and earth to give their children the best they can, so knowing nothing about the situation, I'd consider there were other problems and refer.

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2018 20:49

Sorry to all those people saying butt out, not your business, this is normal...

Er, pretty much every poster has said to report.

Rebecca36 · 26/10/2018 20:51

The family is obviously in need of some care, that includes the mother.
Father is neglectful too.