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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards BIL's moving costs?

147 replies

Whitescarf · 25/10/2018 16:05

NC as outing.

DH's brother and GF moving out and need a big van to help move some of their big furniture. DH willingly offered to help if BIL pays for diesel as they do not live locally to us and would cost us approx £50 there and back.

BIL kicked off saying he shouldn't have to pay and how his gf has given DH numerous lifts in the past and he should be helping his family out, and then dragged me into it saying ever since we've been together that DH's not there for his family anymore!

DH offered to come up in our car and help out as petrol is a lot less and we wouldn't expect him to pay that, however he said it would be useless and no point!

I do not get on with BIL anyway so may be biased but me and DH have a baby on the way and we're also getting our first mortgage so funds are very very tight, as well as needing to save for my maternity leave we just can't afford to spare £50!

Is DH being unreasonable by not shedding out £50 that we can't afford to help his brother move? Confused

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 25/10/2018 16:07

Hmm not sure if she has gone out if her way for your dh quite a bit.

I am in the fence to be honest.

HellenaHandbasket · 25/10/2018 16:07

Depends, do you get lots of lifts and help?

If not, then yanbu

Mayra1367 · 25/10/2018 16:09

In my view families help each other , maybe you will need help one day . Only on MN do I hear about all this angst about helping others , normally the in laws.

Linziepie · 25/10/2018 16:10

I think you are being a bit tight to be honest. I lived far from my sister and I wouldn't thi j of charging her petrol money in this situation.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/10/2018 16:13

Tbh, it wouldn't occur to me to charge my sister petrol if I was helping her move. In our family we just do things for one another and no money exchanges hands. I'm sure it all evens out.
But, if I knew things were super tight for my sister, and she was helping me move, I'd pay her petrol.
So, I think they could offer it, but I don't think you can for it, iyswim.

RTFT · 25/10/2018 16:14

I certainly wouldn't have asked for the diesel money, how rude

JosellaPlayton · 25/10/2018 16:14

I think it’s really mean to try to charge a family member for this- it’s a one off and it sounds like the GF has helped your DH out a few times in the past. If you really, really can’t afford it then you can’t magic up the money though.

BertramKibbler · 25/10/2018 16:15

I wouldn’t charge family for this, helping family is always a case of swings and roundabouts

Shitlandpony · 25/10/2018 16:17

I would never charge a family member for fuel no. It what families do, they help each other out.

Bubblysqueak · 25/10/2018 16:17

I think yabu. Families help each other. We travelled 300 miles to help dsil move as we had access to a van. It saved her a fortune hiring one. We never expected payment of any kind.

We've also done the same for friends who have also helped us out.

You never know when you might need help.

RoboticMary · 25/10/2018 16:17

I think it’s a bit mean to charge family for help when they move. If your DP is happy to help, I’d say let him get on with it. It’s his brother - whether you like him or not has nothing to do with it really. And have they helped you out in the past with lifts?

PotteringAlong · 25/10/2018 16:18

Yup, he is being unreasonable on this one.

GhouldaLovesLillies · 25/10/2018 16:18

I think I'd just swallow the cost. Sometimes helping costs actual money as well as time and effort.

needsahouseboy · 25/10/2018 16:19

Blimey I would have just done it or at least said I’d love to help but we haven’t got the money for petrol up there. I wouldn’t expect them to pay.

florafawna · 25/10/2018 16:19

Be nice. He'll owe you one! Wink

TruffleShuffles · 25/10/2018 16:22

I think it’s out of order to ask for money for help for family or close friends. I’ve helped out with house moves for a couple of close friends and used our van and charging them wouldn’t have even crossed my mind, both of the couples we’ve helped have payed for either lunch or a takeaway at the end of the day as a thanks though.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 25/10/2018 16:22

BIL sounds horrible. Even if he thought you were being ungenerous the polite thing to do would be to either pay the £50 or find an alternative.

HellenaHandbasket · 25/10/2018 16:23

Oh hold on, I misread. Do you mean fuel for the van or fuel for your dh to get there? Cause fuel for the van would be a fair request, fuel for you husband to get there is tihhto as anything tbh

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2018 16:23

Am I understanding that you and DH own the 'big van' and are wanting BiL to pay £50 for your petrol to drive it roundtrip to help him move?

I'd probably just do it to help out if it wasn't going to take food off our table or the roof out from over our heads, even if I did have to scrimp afterwards to 're-save' that £50. Family is important and you never know when you might have to ask for a favour yourself. But if you're honestly that skint that you can't spare it and it would result in your mortgage being denied or the baby doing without when you're on mat leave, then I guess that's it.

LunasPaws · 25/10/2018 16:23

Bloody hell, he's a CF IMO.

£50 is a lot of money to some people and family or not, can't afford to just give it away.

Who the hell thinks it's ok for someone to go in a sulk because a family member can't afford to spend £50 to help them?

greendale17 · 25/10/2018 16:23

£50 is a lot but personally I wouldn’t charge family

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2018 16:24

Has his GF given loads of lifts?

Somertime · 25/10/2018 16:26

Whilst it would be nice for your DH to help for free, an understanding and compassionate relative would offer to pay if he knew you were strapped for cash.
His alternative is to hire a van locally which will cost far more than £50.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 25/10/2018 16:28

I think you were massively weird to ask for diesel money. £50 is a huge amount of money to me, but I would be absolutely MORTIFIED to ask for money to help. I'd find it somehow. If necessary I'd sell something.
This is so bizarre I'm wondering if you are actually the SIL here.

TeaForTiger · 25/10/2018 16:28

I can't believe your DH asked his brother for money Shock

If you can't afford the drive then say that, it's up to them if they want to offer.

I'm not surprised BIL is pissed off.