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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards BIL's moving costs?

147 replies

Whitescarf · 25/10/2018 16:05

NC as outing.

DH's brother and GF moving out and need a big van to help move some of their big furniture. DH willingly offered to help if BIL pays for diesel as they do not live locally to us and would cost us approx £50 there and back.

BIL kicked off saying he shouldn't have to pay and how his gf has given DH numerous lifts in the past and he should be helping his family out, and then dragged me into it saying ever since we've been together that DH's not there for his family anymore!

DH offered to come up in our car and help out as petrol is a lot less and we wouldn't expect him to pay that, however he said it would be useless and no point!

I do not get on with BIL anyway so may be biased but me and DH have a baby on the way and we're also getting our first mortgage so funds are very very tight, as well as needing to save for my maternity leave we just can't afford to spare £50!

Is DH being unreasonable by not shedding out £50 that we can't afford to help his brother move? Confused

OP posts:
TeamLannister · 25/10/2018 16:29

I think you're being miserly...and does BIL have a point in saying your DH isn't there for his family since he's been with you? I wouldn't like my DH to be taken advantage of, but I totally support him helping out his family, in the same way I want to help out mine when they need it!

Sweetheart · 25/10/2018 16:30

We are helping my ds move house this weekend using dh's van. It would never in a million years occur to me to charge her for any part of that. She is my family and we are happy to help out. But then I am very close to my sister and I know that if the tables were reversed she would do the same for me in a heartbeat.

Jlynhope · 25/10/2018 16:30

I wouldn't ask for money. If DH offered to help I think he should just help. Especially if the gf has helped him out in the past.

ogglet · 25/10/2018 16:32

Hmmm... I wouldn't offer to help if I couldn't pay for the Diesel to do so? Doesn't make sense to Me... sure we can help you! If you pay for it! 

CantWaitToRetire · 25/10/2018 16:37

DH shouldn't have offered help if he couldn't afford to get there. Asking for the money was rude. What's the diesel for? Do you own a van that was going to be used to help move stuff?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2018 16:38

Is their financial situation vastly different from yours? Did the gf give your dp lifts with nothing in return?

In the face of it I think you should swallow the costs. But if it’s really going to take ford from your mouths that’s different.

dontalltalkatonce · 25/10/2018 16:39

YABU. She gave you lifts.

SassitudeandSparkle · 25/10/2018 16:42

Diesel cars are usually more economical than petrol so I'm not sure what is going on here. Does your DH have a large van? If they live some distance away, how has his gf been giving your DH lifts?!

So many unanswered questions!

Weebitawks · 25/10/2018 16:42

Hmm it’s a tricky one. No one on our family is particularly flush but wouldn’t ask for fuel costs in this situation (we’ve all helped each other move loads) similarly, should someone ask for the cost of fuel to come and help move, no one would kick off. Especially if the gf has driven him about a bit.

Secretsquirrel101 · 25/10/2018 16:43

As a pp says, if you can’t afford it, say so, and they may offer to contribute. Asking outright to be paid to help family move as a one off is, IMO, hideously tight.

clara787 · 25/10/2018 16:44

Rude and stingy, wouldn't cross my mind to even ask for the diesel money.

GruffaIo · 25/10/2018 16:48

When my DSis came to my house this week to babysit, I offered her petrol money as I didn't want the favour to cost her both time and money. I was grateful enough for the time she was giving up.

In my experience, it's not necessarily weird to ask for money for fuel - if you have the time to help, but can't afford to get there. All depends on the parties involved and their relationship.

SchadenfreudeUndeadified · 25/10/2018 16:49

Tricky.

I can see both points of view. It might have been better if your DH had said he was really sorry but with your baby on the way, every penny was tight and he just couldn't afford the diesel, if that's what the problem is.

TBH - I think I would probably have bitten the bullet and agreed to help. Especially as they have given many lifts on previous occasions (who knows - maybe your BIL would have given your DH some cash on the day as a thank you. Or bought you both a meal or something.

Cash is a very emotional thing - your BIL might have been happier to treat you both to a night out instead.

Aprilislonggone · 25/10/2018 16:50

Imo favours should only cost you in time not £££ so yes he should cough up.

TheClitterati · 25/10/2018 16:52

No I would not charge my sibling to do them a favour. Nor would they charge me.

My sister was a single parent on benefits for a while - so in that case I probably would have offered her some gas money knowing how strapped for cash she was at that time.

dfwr · 25/10/2018 16:52

Has your DP had loads of lifts off the GF?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/10/2018 16:57

Ye gods! All that 'I wouldn't charge family' bollocks!

What if, as OP seems to indicate, they have very little spare cash and couldn't easily afford the £50 to put the diesel in the van?

Then DH would only be able to say no, I can't help you at all! And family wouldn't ask/insist or complain!

The BILS comments about OP sound par for the course from a golden child, as does the bringing up of lifts given in the past - who in a family actually keeps a tally, ffs?

OP, if you can't afford it and your DH is the one telling his DB you can't. All you an do is let them get on with it. At some point your DH will get tired of his DBs opinion of you and then you/they will have a whole other problem to work out!

Racecardriver · 25/10/2018 16:59

This would never happen between my husband and his brother but they are close and financially both able to afford £50 here or there. I think that it really depends on their relationship.

jay55 · 25/10/2018 17:00

£50 is a hell of a lot cheaper than movers. They should have offered to pay fuel in the first place.

Bahhhhhumbug · 25/10/2018 17:02

Is the van your Dh's or are they hiring it. Usually they fill it and you have to refill it to same point before returning so would be bizarre to expect you to fill it if they are hiring it but if it is your van l don't know really it seems a bit off to ask for it but l might secretly hope they would cough some up at the filling station.

Cyclingforcake · 25/10/2018 17:04

Totally disagree with everyone else. The way I’ve read it you’re providing the van and the time (and muscles) but you want some help with the fuel costs. Seems reasonable to me and if I’d been your BIL/SIL I’d have offered.

schopenhauer · 25/10/2018 17:08

I think it’s Right to ask for money off your own brother. However, he should have offered a contribution, though something like pizza at the end of the move would suffice.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 25/10/2018 17:08

I wouldn't have asked for money - favours come and go both ways between families.

schopenhauer · 25/10/2018 17:09

Not right ffs, tight!!!

bellil · 25/10/2018 17:09

I don't think I would have asked, purely because I'm not brave enough! But I don't think you're wrong for doing so, why should you be out of pocket? We have helped my DH brother move about 3 times now, and the last time he hadn't even started packing when we arrived so I ended up packing all his clothes and kitchen up - he's 6 years older than us with children! My DH and I were skint at the time, and his brother is always banging on about how much money he has, and all we got was a drink and bag of crisps, after we had done multiple trips to and from the properties. I was annoyed tbh - it cost him nothing to move and my DH even cut the grass using our petrol strimmer and lawn mower, so his brother got his deposit back! I agree its what you do to help family but I did feel he had mugged us off and could have at least given us some money to get a take away on our way home or something!