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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards BIL's moving costs?

147 replies

Whitescarf · 25/10/2018 16:05

NC as outing.

DH's brother and GF moving out and need a big van to help move some of their big furniture. DH willingly offered to help if BIL pays for diesel as they do not live locally to us and would cost us approx £50 there and back.

BIL kicked off saying he shouldn't have to pay and how his gf has given DH numerous lifts in the past and he should be helping his family out, and then dragged me into it saying ever since we've been together that DH's not there for his family anymore!

DH offered to come up in our car and help out as petrol is a lot less and we wouldn't expect him to pay that, however he said it would be useless and no point!

I do not get on with BIL anyway so may be biased but me and DH have a baby on the way and we're also getting our first mortgage so funds are very very tight, as well as needing to save for my maternity leave we just can't afford to spare £50!

Is DH being unreasonable by not shedding out £50 that we can't afford to help his brother move? Confused

OP posts:
SharpLily · 26/10/2018 08:43

*I mean if people still think we're being unreasonable how should we go about getting the £50?
My options are:

  1. No food shopping for a week, living off plain rice
  2. To not pay one of our bills
  3. Take out a payday loan
  4. Pawn my wedding ring???

Suggestions welcome*

My suggestion is that you make sure your husband tells his brother this. If he explains the situation clearly and the brother is still pissed off and expects your husband to pay for the fuel then yes, he is a CF of the highest order. If he just hadn't grasped the situation and once it's explained says that of course he'll pay fuel/make other arrangements then problem solved.

TheClitterati · 26/10/2018 08:48

Now we have the new facts, money for fuel for the free moving van is not unreasonable.

But the brothers really should be sorting this out between themselves. "Bro I'm happy to help out and bring the van, but money is really tight at the moment so I will need you to cover fuel £50. Otherwise it's best you get local mate to help. I can still come over in car to help with lifting."

TheClitterati · 26/10/2018 08:52

It's not really those options is it op? It means you save £50 less that week/month for your deposit/maternity leave. And that is important too - but saying you will have to sell your wedding ring or get payday Loan is a bit dramatic and not helpful.

VenusInSpurs · 26/10/2018 09:00

I think people have missed that it is your DH’s big van.
So:
Your DH helps, gives them all day help moving, drives the van
They get free use of his big van

Yes, they should pay diesel.

Original poster
Whitescarf · 26/10/2018 09:05

@TheClitterati I'm not being dramatic, it is how I said it is. I have no savings for maternity leave yet, and we have nothing for the baby either.
We are in the process of getting the mortgage at the moment, we wouldn't be able to get another £50 until I've been paid next month, and the deposit and solicitors fees need to be paid before my next pay day, so it would literally stop us getting the mortgage because we would be short.

So yes those are the only options I can think of.

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 26/10/2018 09:10

Wtaf.
I dont know on what planet people do this. Ive never EVER asked for fuel to help my family!
My husband owns a van and travelled 2.5 hours to help my brother move house and even then he never once asked for fuel! Instead my brother offered to pay but DH.
If shes always picked your DH up, has she asked for fuel? Has he paid her? No! Favours are favours and help is help.
If u cant afford it then say you cant afford it so its up to his bro to offer. But never ask. Wats the point of family if they will only do things for fuel.
I just find it incredibly cheeky. Never ask but always offer.

BunsOfAnarchy · 26/10/2018 09:12

OP the simplest thing to have done was to say it upfront that u cant afford it. Then it doesn't put pressure on you.

Im not sure if the situation is even salvageable now.

QueenEnid · 26/10/2018 09:17

I'm pretty sure this could be solved with a conversation with BIL!
It sounds like he thinks you're charging him for your time rather than the fuel for the van so why not just be upfront? Your DH could easily just say "yes of course we will help, no problem. You're welcome to have the van and I'll come and help with the shifting but we're struggling for cash at the min so can you help out by filling up the van? I don't know anyone IRL who would refuse that!!!! Plus, if the cost to him is £50 then it would cost at least that if a mate helped out anyway as surely he would have to pay their fuel costs/van hire?!

diddl · 26/10/2018 09:18

So BIL is expecting to move for nothing?

VenusInSpurs · 26/10/2018 09:22

Buns: but if you simply don’t have the £50 plus to fill the tank?

People with big vans tend to need to use them for work. If the diesel is used to help BIL, and no more money to fill up, what does the OP’s DH do then?

Sometimes money is that tight.

People tend to overlook running costs. If a relative said ‘can you give me £50 cash towards a van hire’ that would seem very.... upfront.

But ‘could you help with your van’ that same £50 cash outlay gets forgotten / viewed as incidental.

Original poster
Whitescarf · 26/10/2018 09:23

@QueenEnid BIL doesn't drive and SIL wouldn't drive the van, so it would have to be DH. DH made it very clear to BIL that the money was only for fuel, however BIL feels that he shouldn't have to pay the fuel costs and that we should pay it.

OP posts:
Sophiesdog11 · 26/10/2018 09:27

Bunsofanarchy - have you actually read the thread?

The only lifts that SIL has given are because the brother can't drive - picking Ops DH up from a station, taking them to the shop - all journeys the brother would have done in the course of having his DB to stay - but he cant drive.

Those saying just do it seem to be spectacularly missing the point - exactly how should Op and her DH pay for the fuel if they dont have the money? Its ok saying you would do it - presumably thats because you could easily spare £50!!!!!

Op and her DH dont have the money - exactly how should she magic it up?!

SnowyMountains · 26/10/2018 09:31

I wouldn't ask because you never know you might need some help from his brother so I would show some good will. Yes it's a bit of pain losing £50, however it's not worth causing bad relations.

My brother is a joiner and he once charged our mum about £100 to put some cupboards in, this was many years ago now but it still sticks in my mind about how badly she got treated.

Feefeetrixabelle · 26/10/2018 09:33

You two were rude to ask for the money and he was rude to refuse. He’s family you should be helping him out however he was rude to refuse once you’d asked for money.

Original poster
Whitescarf · 26/10/2018 09:36

@SnowyMountains then please suggest how I can get the £50. My options as above are:

  1. No food shopping for a week, living off plain rice
  2. To not pay one of our bills
  3. Take out a payday loan
  4. Pawn my wedding ring???
  5. Take it out of mortgage deposit and have to pull out as we would not be able to recoup costs before it would need to be paid.
OP posts:
Sophiesdog11 · 26/10/2018 09:37

Yes it's a bit of a pain losing £50

FFS - If they haven't got the £50 in the first place - its not a case of losing it - its a case of not eating food for a week, or delaying their completion and taking £50 from house deposit - neither of which they should have to do.

MN is definitely on another planet where money is concerned, and I say that as someone who could easily afford £50 now, but couldn't in days gone by.

mama1DC · 26/10/2018 09:37

@Whitescarf why should YOU pay for HIM to move 😂 what is wrong with people, Brother or not why should you put yourself £50 short that could go towards your new baby ?? Some people must be so well of on here

BrokenWing · 26/10/2018 09:39

We are in the process of getting the mortgage at the moment, we wouldn't be able to get another £50 until I've been paid next month, and the deposit and solicitors fees need to be paid before my next pay day, so it would literally stop us getting the mortgage because we would be short.

Be very careful of mortgaging beyond your means which this sounds like if just £50 is going to make such a big difference, especially with a baby on the way. What would you do if the van/car had a big repair bill tomorrow or the washing machine packed up.

I suspect your BIL thinks you are just tight and doesn't realise you have over stretched yourself financially and your dh isn't telling him your financial situation either. I would not ask for petrol money if I was doing a favour for family, and I would be a bit taken aback if my family asked for it too if I didn't know they were really struggling.

Waspnest · 26/10/2018 09:42

YANBU. I think a significant number of people on MN don't realise that whilst £50 might just be a nice takeaway to them to others it is their entire weeks food bill. The DH is offering to give his time for free is that not doing a big enough favour?

Original poster
Whitescarf · 26/10/2018 09:44

@BrokenWing thank you but we are not mortgaging above our means at all. If BIL were to ask us next month to help with the move, it wouldnt have been a problem and DH wouldn't have even suggested the money for fuel, we've just had a lot of outgoings this month and the deposit has taken all of our savings.

The van is a work van which DH doesn't pay for, just fuel for personal trips and the car is leased and our insurance would cover all the big repairs.

OP posts:
diddl · 26/10/2018 09:45

"He’s family you should be helping him out "

Wouldn't helping out being Op's husband driving the van for them since one can't & one won't?

I think it's adding insult to injury that BIL also expects petrol to be paid for him.

I'd be telling him then sorry, can't help at all & he'll have to do what many do-pay someone else to do it!

SlothMama · 26/10/2018 10:01

Personally I wouldn't charge my brother to help him move he lives a good 2 hours away and I have moved him and done numerous shuttles between his old and new house. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking for fuel as he's family and he'd do the same for me!

Matilda15 · 26/10/2018 10:09

If you don’t have it you don’t have it! I’d get DH to explain the situation properly, surely if your DH would still drive in the car though you’d still incur some costs? I don’t know about petrol costs of a van but surely it isn’t more than double a car? Therefore I can see BIL feeling like you’re charging for use of the van.

For context, I had a situation like this once, my cousin has a son 2 years younger than mine, I’d given her literally all DS clothes once grown out of then a lot of nice stuff Next, Gap etc some only worn once so pristine condition. Never asked for a penny and was never offered.

After a couple of years of this her DF used his van to drive a 30 mile round trip to bring me 2 cabinets from our Grandmas house after she died, one arrived damaged as hadn’t been secured in transit, they then said 20 quid should cover the petrol. I was gobsmacked. I’d literally given them 100s and 100s of pounds worth of clothes and baby stuff. They were far more well off than me. I felt pretty gutted tbh, like I’d been taken the mickey out of the whole time when I thought I was just helping family.

user1467718508 · 26/10/2018 10:10

Family or not, you're not obliged to help with your time AND pay for fuel.

If your BIL is still affronted after you've explained why you're unable to afford it this month, then he's an entitled git with zero empathy.

clownstotheleft · 26/10/2018 10:31

If you don't have the money, there really is nothing you can do. It sounds like your DH has told him this and your BIL should understand that. He sounds a bit prickish in his response, your DH needs to explain that what he said is nothing to do with you!

If the money were to come available I would always personally help family. Sometimes relationships with in-laws is difficult, and when I think someone (an in-law) is being a CF with DH (he is extremely loving and generous and some of his family honestly just take the p*ss) I try to reverse the situation and think about how I would be with my own family (and how they would react to me if I had said no to their request), this helps to give perspective on how I should broach subjects of CF-ery with DH .... if that makes sense (to help with future disputes).

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