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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards BIL's moving costs?

147 replies

Whitescarf · 25/10/2018 16:05

NC as outing.

DH's brother and GF moving out and need a big van to help move some of their big furniture. DH willingly offered to help if BIL pays for diesel as they do not live locally to us and would cost us approx £50 there and back.

BIL kicked off saying he shouldn't have to pay and how his gf has given DH numerous lifts in the past and he should be helping his family out, and then dragged me into it saying ever since we've been together that DH's not there for his family anymore!

DH offered to come up in our car and help out as petrol is a lot less and we wouldn't expect him to pay that, however he said it would be useless and no point!

I do not get on with BIL anyway so may be biased but me and DH have a baby on the way and we're also getting our first mortgage so funds are very very tight, as well as needing to save for my maternity leave we just can't afford to spare £50!

Is DH being unreasonable by not shedding out £50 that we can't afford to help his brother move? Confused

OP posts:
londonrach · 25/10/2018 17:47

Wow. I owe my dpil alot of money then in petrol. Theyve helped us moved 15 times but never charged us petrol. Weve helped them moved twice. Its what family do. My dsis had pnd...i took train and did full free childcare for 10 weeks whilst she slept and become the sister the sister i know. Its what family do. I think yabu in this situation op.

TrippingTheVelvet · 25/10/2018 17:54

How far is it OP? And did your husband pay her when she gave him lifts?

C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2018 17:57

I need more info. Whats the distance? Is the bil correct thaf you received a lot of help?

KarmaStar · 25/10/2018 18:07

I would help out too.

EmpressJewel · 25/10/2018 18:20

If finances are tight, YANBU to ask for them to pay fuel and I think it's fair to ask them. However, £50 is a lot and maybe they think you are trying to profit.

Original poster
Whitescarf · 25/10/2018 19:56

Sorry should have said in the original post, hope this doesn't count as a drip feed! Grin
SIL has only ever given DH lifts in the past when its been local to them And the last one was years ago. E.g. DH would get the train up to stay with them and she would pick him up from the station. Or if DH and BIL wanted to go to the shop then SIL would drive them as BIL doesn't drive. So none of the lifts have been long distance at all, all very local.

The £50 would only be for the costs of diesel to move them, not any extra. It's a big van and it eats petrol like no tomorrow.

What I mean when DH offered is that BIL asked him first and then he said he'd do it, but there was no talk of money at the time.

We honestly do not have any spare money, there is no way we could afford £50 for the diesel, we wouldn't be able to eat or pay bills if we did.

BIL also said his friend who lives 10 minutes away from him could help out if we couldn't, which makes much more sense as we're not local.

Sorry this so counts as a drip feed Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitescarf · 25/10/2018 20:03

I've not told DH to ask for money at all, I didn't even know about it until he told me afterwards!
We've helped other family members move in the past when we could afford it, we moved his nan last year which costs us £90 in diesel and we didn't ask for anything from her! We just can't afford it at the moment.

SIL never charged DH, the lifts were not very often, perhaps once a month max and all very local, but DH always offered money, and he hasn't had a lift of her for at least a couple of years now

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 25/10/2018 20:31

If I could get someone to do a move for me, family or otherwise, for £50 quid I’d rip their hand off

CrabbityRabbit · 26/10/2018 05:44

With the update, YANBU.

Seems like the mate helping is the best solution.

SharpLily · 26/10/2018 06:06

They are brothers ffs... what's £50 and a bit of good will?

It's a fucking lot if you haven't got it! What are people not getting here?

Yes, in an ideal world we'd all help family out for free and the OP is clear that they have done that in the past quite happily, but you simply can't magic up money you haven't got. I don't see what people want the OP to do here - arrange a quick bank loan so they can help the brother move?

Has your husband not explained this to his brother, that you simply don't have a spare £50 at the moment?

ButchyRestingFace · 26/10/2018 06:17

If you haven’t got £50 to spare, you haven’t got £50 to spare.

She could have been your partner’s personal chauffeur, but it doesn’t change the above.

Antigon · 26/10/2018 06:20

So BIL is bringing up lifts that SIL gave DH from trainnstation to their house when DH took the train up to see them?! Surely he should have been happy his brither was coming to see him?!

And why is he bringing up SIL dropping BIL and DH to the pub?! Her husband also needed a lift!

BIL sounds very entitled. Does he not drive? And did DH used to be the family errand boy or piggy bank?

Iflyaway · 26/10/2018 06:34

Yes, BIL does sound entitled.

Does he not have any mates that are local that can help him move?
Without having to pay for petrol?

That's what I did. Bought pizzas at the end of it too for everyone as a thank you. The least you can do.

When you move you factor in moving costs, not expect someone else to pay it for you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2018 06:34

It sounds like your bil doesn’t drive and thinks fuel should always be free. Then brings up what your sil has done for your dh. On further examination it’s actually what your sil has done for your bil as he doesn’t drive - ie picking up his brother (your dh) and ferrying him and his brother around.

Sounds as if your bil has found another mug to move him foc.

Goodfood1 · 26/10/2018 06:47

I think it is normal to ask for petrol money if you can't afford it, am surprised they didn't just offer, you are already offering youur van and your time.
There is however the question of the lifts SIL gave or not to your DH to balance out

Goodfood1 · 26/10/2018 06:53

sorry had missed your update, YANBU they weren't really lifts, and they are CF

Laureline · 26/10/2018 06:58

If DH has explained to BIL that you don’t have the spare 50 pounds, and BIL is still kicking off, he’s being a twunt!

OliviaStabler · 26/10/2018 07:09

What I mean when DH offered is that BIL asked him first and then he said he'd do it, but there was no talk of money at the time.

If what you are saying is that your DH was asked and agreed to help but did not mention money, then it's rude to ask for money now. BIL likely thinks you have been at your DH to ask for cash which is why this has escalated.

You say you and your DH don't have the £50 to space, well why did he offer in the first place then?

OliviaStabler · 26/10/2018 07:09
  • agree not offer
NewPapaGuinea · 26/10/2018 08:10

So your BIL needs a van, your DH has one and BIL is expecting it for gratis? It’s not just fuel costs here, it’s the use of a van too, plus your DH will be helping them pack/unpack the van and drive the van.

For £50 that’s an absolute bargain!

Saying that the usual compensation in my family for a “move help” is unlimited cups of tea and a takeaway in the evening, so probs not far off £50 anyway.

mama1DC · 26/10/2018 08:24

Just tell BIL ! We can't afford to pay for the fuel so if you DONT put the fuel IN then I obviously can't drive the van !!! Some people are thick as s**t

icouldwriteabook · 26/10/2018 08:32

renta truck or similar wherever you live let you hire a large van for £60 for 24 hours.

Id just tell him to do that if you aren't willing to do the trip for free.

haven't really got an opinion on the situation as they may have helped your DH a lot or you may need their help in the future (babysitting!) but if not and you clearly don't get on, no point helping him out to please people on MN.

Do whatever you choose to do

Original poster
Whitescarf · 26/10/2018 08:33

I mean if people still think we're being unreasonable how should we go about getting the £50?
My options are:

  1. No food shopping for a week, living off plain rice
  2. To not pay one of our bills
  3. Take out a payday loan
  4. Pawn my wedding ring???

Suggestions welcome

OP posts:
zzzzz · 26/10/2018 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamiefraserskilt · 26/10/2018 08:39

Explain that under normal circumstances you would do it bit things are very tight at the moment and you cannot afford the 50 it will take to cover the fuel. You would love to help but understand if they have a mate that will do it free and is closer. Do they need grunt on the day?

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