To not pay towards BIL's moving costs?

[Whitescarf]

NC as outing.

DH's brother and GF moving out and need a big van to help move some of their big furniture. DH willingly offered to help if BIL pays for diesel as they do not live locally to us and would cost us approx £50 there and back.

BIL kicked off saying he shouldn't have to pay and how his gf has given DH numerous lifts in the past and he should be helping his family out, and then dragged me into it saying ever since we've been together that DH's not there for his family anymore!

DH offered to come up in our car and help out as petrol is a lot less and we wouldn't expect him to pay that, however he said it would be useless and no point!

I do not get on with BIL anyway so may be biased but me and DH have a baby on the way and we're also getting our first mortgage so funds are very very tight, as well as needing to save for my maternity leave we just can't afford to spare £50!

Is DH being unreasonable by not shedding out £50 that we can't afford to help his brother move?

I'm with cyclingforcake on this. When I used to move house a lot I always paid for van and fuel, but accepted my brothers' and friends' muscles and time for free. Well, maybe gave thank you bottles too if I could afford it.

I can’t believe all these comments saying OP and her DH were cheeky to ask for fuel money - I think it’s cheeky not to offer if they don’t live locally!

£50 IS a lot of money when your tightening your belts. If it were me in this situation I would have just said your welcome to come and fetch/use the van but please fill the tank back up once you’re finished.

You’re both times doh

Also it’s all well and good getting a pizza or a bottle of wine at the end of it but that isn’t going to help you when you need to do a weeks grocery shop with that £50.

In all honesty I wouldn’t dream of charging my brother for diesel to help him move. But I guess if funds really are that tight there’s only so much you can do. But I’d tighten belts for a couple of weeks and offer the help with no strings attached if it were me.

they do not live locally to us and would cost us approx £50 there and back.

his gf has given DH numerous lifts in the past

I am confused by this. If you live so far away from them then how come she has given him so many lifts? Has she driven miles out of her way to take him places? Did she ask for petrol money when she did this? If she gave him these lifts for free then YABVU to ask for money.

OP MEANS FUEL FOR THEIR VAN PEOPLE! The van that will help move their furniture!

I never normally comment on threads like this one but here's my tuppence worth.
I think yabu
Vu
They are brothers ffs... what's £50 and a bit of good will?
As a family, we bend over backwards for one another as and when required. It wouldn't even enter anyone's head to ask for petrol money.
You will be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you insist on the £50.
There will be times in your life where you will need help from them. Look on it as an investment in your relationships with DH family.
Can you imagine yourself having two sons... when they grow up one asks the other for petrol money to help him with a house move?? Really I think you are being totally ridiculous.

Unless there is massive back story here and some drip feeding??

If the girlfriend has given you numerous lifts and not asked for gas money, then I would tend you think you "owe" them.

AlphaBravo
No need to shout. . Ops dh offered to come up in the car to help out. It says so in the op. The bil is therefore borrowing / hiring a van.

As a family we help each other out without asking for money... wouldn't dream of it tbh.

Has he had a lot of lifts in the past?

If you are charging him just for the fuel of moving him, then I guess its tight, but fair if you always pay them petrol for lifts they give you.
Charging them petrol money,when they previously haven't charged you petrol money for lifts isn't really on - it has to work both ways.

If you're actually trying to charge them for your time and/or for borrowing your van - then very, very tight indeed.

(Transits for example,do about 40mpg, so £50 is a lot of miles - are you really charging them the true rate or trying to make a bit for the loan of your van/your time?).

I think it's weird to ask for money in these circumstances, I would never accept money from friends or family helping them for one off things like this

My sister asked me to pay her petrol costs when she did me a favour. I've done loads for her in the past. I willingly paid because 1) the favour was saving me money (as in this case). Why should she be £50 out of pocket when I'm saving say £200? 2) like the Op that £50 would have had a big impact on her. She would have gone without fairly basic things while I enjoyed my savings. How is that fair? 3) you don't do favours to get favours - I did x for you so now you can't say no even though it will have a big impact on you is a sucky approach.

They are brothers ffs... what's £50 and a bit of good will?

A week of food shopping when you're in the middle of getting a mortgage and are about to go on maternity leave?

We have no idea how tight OPs financial situation is. If they can't afford it, they can't afford it and no family member should throw a strop because of it!

Clarification needed

Who does the van belong to? And how big? Is it a work van for your DH. How much have the down for you, and how recently- has there been multiple lifts and help from them?

Ops dh offered to come up in the car to help out. It says so in the op. The bil is therefore borrowing / hiring a van.

Actually it says that he offered to come up in the car to help and BIL said that would be useless and no point. So maybe AlphaBravo is right and OP's DH has a van that he is being asked to lend and he wants the money to fuel that.

We are really all just guessing though because the OP hasn't been very clear about it and hasn't so far answered any questions.

I wouldn't have asked for money either. Favours in a family are worth so much more than that, it seems so cheeky to ask for money. My SIL has helped me move more than once, no strings attached. 5 years on OH will be sorting her garden for her in her new house, saving her £££. This is just a small example of how we've helped eachother over the years. Swings and roundabouts.

Hmmm helping family is well …. helping family. I think offering to help with strings attached ie paying fuel money is a bit tight. Your DH did the right thing in offering to help his brother and you should not be telling him to ask for money.

WHEN MY BROTHER HELLED US MOVE WE PAYED HIM !!! Tell him to do one 👋

It depends on how much your DH gave SIL each time that she gave him a lift. I presume that he did pay her seeing as you want to charge them now.

If not, then either help willingly for free, or not at all. Your choice.

(I read it as DH has a large van and that is why they asked, but it will cost £50 in diesel which is why he offered the car instead, but presumably that's deemed useless and no good because they need a VAN!)

@not**@notangelinajolie so they should have to spend £50 to HELP DH brother move ?!

What is wrong with you lot....

Well the situation as I see it is this. Family help other family so your DH shouldn't have asked for money.

However if money is that tight and you can't afford the £50 then he should've told his DBro that he'd love to help but can't afford the £50 at the moment. It would then be up to BIL to say whether he wants to pay the fuel or make his own arrangements for a van and your DH just going over to help carrying etc.

Actually it says that he offered to come up in the car to help and BIL said that would be useless and no point. So maybe AlphaBravo is right and OP's DH has a van that he is being asked to lend and he wants the money to fuel that.

This was my assumption of the situation; the OP and her husband own the van and BIL wants the OP's husband to help him move with the van.

For me, it's still contingent upon whether the girlfriend really did a significant number of lifts, and if she asked for fuel money for said lifts.