AIBU Engaged to DP after 5 months of dating...

[ButterflyRuns]

Hi everyone. My DP and I have been seeing each other since May, and at my 37th birthday party this last weekend he proposed. I know he's the one for me (cliché I know), we've been inseparable and I'm moving in with him in November. We had discussed marriage, and due to my age want to start a family together sooner rather than later, (we both have no children). My family have been very supportive, but my Mum shared concerns that I'm rushing into it too fast and not seeing the full picture because of my desire to have children - I would like to have more than one child with him and start our family soon after our wedding which will be in the summer (hopefully). Has anyone else become engaged quickly and how did those around you react? I know people in my life probably think I'm crazy.

Congratulations ButterflyRuns!

If you feel this is right then go for it. When I first met my DH, I saw him 3 times (about 8 hours in total). The 4th time I went to his place. I got absolutley bladdered and couldn't drive home, so I stayed the night . I never went back to my place ever again (only to pack my stuff and give notice to leave) and we have been inseparable ever since. That was 26 years ago. We got married after 19 years, and we have 3 wonderful DC.

What are you both waiting for?

I think it is a bit pointless for people to point out people they know who married quickly and stayed together for years. Obviously some people will but it is obvious that if a couple have only known each other for a short time they are more likely to split up than those who have been together for longer before getting married.
Ar five months, you are still in the "honeymoon phase" and are only presenting the best of yourselves to each other. You don't know each other faults yet really and whether you will be able to put up with them.

If you want children though you can't really afford to wait so YANBU.

If you were my daughter I'd suggest that you should discuss how you both imagine your life will look in 5/10 years time. Not just with kids. But where you live, childcare, work, extended family stuff (does one of you assume Christmas will always be their with their family for example). What are your attitudes to money/savings. And you definitely need to get a few holidays under your belt (turns out my super mellow DH is a mental holiday planner which came a quite a shock!). And what happens if you can not conceive - something else we had to handle together but had discussed in advance.

Of course a lot will be theoretical and may change when you are faced with it. But I'd say the wedding is neither here nor there - it's the stuff after and your attitudes to it that will matter.

There are plenty of people who spend years and years together before getting married. Their marriages still fail. It is is not about the duration of time you have spent together, its about whether you are compatible, and able to work through where you differ to reach a compromise.

OP has been married before. She probably has a reasonable idea of her expectations, not just going in blindly. And all any of us knows about either of them is what little OP has shared, none of which says anything about the likelihood of success or otherwise of their relationship. No one here can possibly know whether 5 months is too soon as we don't know the dynamics of the relationship.

DH and I spent our first 6 months communicating by letter, with occasional weekends together. We discussed getting married within 6 weeks, and agreed it within 6 months. Got married after 2 years but did not live together for another year. Now been married for 15 years. It isn't perfect, a lot of ongoing work, but we are happy.

My parents were married within 3 months of meeting and were very happy in their 42 years of married life before my DF died. DH and I moved in together within 2 months of getting together (but took 20 years to actually get married...) I would agree wholeheartedly with ShamelessPlacemarking's superb post. Go ahead but do so carefully. ANd congratulations :-)

Congratulations, Butterfly!

I echo what others have said: sometimes you just "know".

I was only 17 when I met DH and we didn't get together as a couple for almost a year after that. But the day after I'd met him, I told my best friend that I'd met the man I was going to marry. She thought I was bonkers at the time but still remembers it clearly.

5 years later we were married, 27 years after that, here we still are and I love the very bones of him (which I think is reciprocated!

Do it - sooner rather than later!

Married my exH after 6 months together. He was intially lovely right until I had our first child, which we had 9 months and 1 day after our wedding. Then the abuse started. I stayed 21 years.

I 'm not sure if I had known him longer he would have revealed his real self because he faked it right up until I was heavily pregnant. My aunt always said 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure'.

As long as you remain financially independent and have a support system then you might give it a go.

I think getting engaged quickly and even moving in together is one thing, but I really would urge caution over having children too soon.

I am always about people who say that at least if you split then you will have lovely children, as if being a single parent is something to be taken lightly. It really isn’t, and the casual attitude people take to it is astonishing. Yes, if one becomes a single parent then one manages, has close relationships with the children etc, but becoming a single parent shouldn’t be something anyone takes lightly. If anything being a single parent is downplayed on here.

It's quick but who cares as long as you're happy.
I was moved in and pregnant within 5 months with DH.... Now 12 years down the line and wouldn't change a thing.

Those who say sometimes "you just know" are evidently those with happy experiences. They are omitting to mention that there are loads of people who "just knew" after 5 months and split up afterwards (possibly telling everyone that they always had a feeling that something wasn't right). People tend to remember the times their gut feelings were right and very quickly forget the times when they weren't.

Congratulations! When you know you know though.
I was with my dp 3 months and got preganant, unfortunately miscarried but now have 2 DC together.
My friend got engaged to her dh 6m in and found out she was pregnant around the same time

I met my husband in the December and we were living together and engaged by February. Took us just under 2 years to save for the wedding we wanted so married at 29 and first child at 30. We had 27 great years together and 2 wonderful children. I lost him last year but will never regret one moment we had together.

Life is too short so follow your heart and be happy.

We met in April, were married in October the same year. That was 22 years ago. Still married.

We moved in together after two months and engaged after 5 months. Been together two years. It's how you feel not what others think.

I was 35 when I met my dh on line, first date a week later at end of June. Moved in together end of Oct. Engaged start of Feb, married end Nov. Pregnant at new year!

Our first LG was born on tge September (She's now 3) second LG now 12 weeks.

May be silly to say but I recognised my DH the second we met. I knew I was home and that was that!

Very best of luck to you both x

Awww bless you op. DH and I got engaged after 2 months, married 6 months later. Next Jan will be our 15th wedding anniversary.
It was 2nd time round for me, 1st for him. Sometimes it just feels right.
Oh p.s 1st time round for me we got engaged after a few years, married a few after that and divorced within 3 years so time doesn't always mean you make the right decision. #youonlygetonelifesoenjoyit

We got engaged after a month and married after a year. That was 8 years ago :)

I think my opinion would be different if you were 30, I'd say that you should slow down, get to know eachother properly. At 37 fertility is fading fast so if you are confident he's a good one then I'd crack on and hope for the best. There are posts on here fairly frequently from women who haven't met someone and are thinking of going it alone with a sperm donor.

It's good that you have met each other's families.
Speaking from experience (happily not my own) I would advise:
Get to know his family and friends, get information about his past from them.
Investigate past relationships
Check out his financial status and history - don't take his word for it, ask to see evidence (eg does he really own that house or is it half someone else's and about to be reposessed!)
Talk about future arrangements for work, money, leisure, housework, holidays etc
Consider a pre-nup
Live together for a year before getting married. Don't be afraid to change your mind if you're not completely happy
Hope it all works out for you!

Thank you everyone for the replies! Didn't quite expect this thread to get so many.

ShamelesslyPlaceMaking you make some great points. Of course I'm going to listen closely to my inner voice before I jump to have children with him. I don't want this relationship to be blinded by my desire to have children, because I still love him very much and want to know that we work together. RedSkyLastNight, I wouldn't rush into marriage if we didn't want to have kids after - even though it is the 21st century I just think it's more practical to be married, same name etc. That being said, I would love to be his wife and I don't see myself marrying anyone else.

We both live in the same area, and I see my lovely Mum regularly (really the only family member I speak to a lot), and he has a large family who have also taken me in and have been very kind to me. We already have Christmas plans, which are to spend Christmas day with his family, and Boxing day with my mum and her boyfriend. I'm sure we'll switch next year. I think we both know where we stand, finances will be split but we'll have separate accounts and we'll probably buy a house together after we start a family.

Casperandme, we have both had long term relationships, but tbh my relationship history is worse than his. Most of his girlfriends from his twenties are long term, whereas I got divorced in my twenties... Oops. I know that he's mature enough to make a relationship work, and like I've said he is a good guy - of course it's the honeymoon phase still but we've moved fast and I know enough about him I think.

MyOtherProfile, yes I know his family fairly well already (Christmas with them as I said!), and we've done a few double dates with friends. In both areas, he's really loved and everyone tells me about how he's a good guy. There's nothing from the surface to suggest he won't be an amazing father and husband.

Hi HappyHedgehog247, I agree about waiting to try for a baby and won't start until next year, although tbh I don't know when next year - I guess it depends when the time is right or when it happens? I'm sorry about your awful ex, but I'm glad you're out of that.

I know some people are cynical to "when you know you know" and trust me I've never been one for rushing into things. I was with ExH for 7 years before we got married, and that clearly didn't work out, so I don't think it matters how long you've known them for, it still failed.

I know some people are cynical to "when you know you know" and trust me I've never been one for rushing into things. I was with ExH for 7 years before we got married, and that clearly didn't work out, so I don't think it matters how long you've known them for, it still failed.

The fact that some marriages do fail when a couple have been together a while before getting married doesn't mean that the risk isn't lower though!! All this "when you know you know" stuff is rubbish. If I had married DH the day after meeting we would still be together today but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't have been risky does it?

My parents were engaged within 6 weeks despite families' concerns. They celebrate 40 years together this year.

Sorry, still trying to catch up with the thread.

Like Ragwort and Neolara said, maybe I shouldn't jump into the wedding planning and get carried away, because it can be a stressful thing to do and focus on our relationship and moving in with him next month. I'll hold off until after we're living together and we'll see when the wedding is and how big it is, maybe that's a whole other thread. It will definitely be in 2019 though.

Tahani, I guess I wanted reassurance from other MN's who have done the same and to feel that I've not gone too mad with the engagement, but also some people to look at it realistically and bring me back down to earth, can't let the ring get to my head.

Thank you everyone who congratulated me.

choli, a lot of these things we have spoken about, and we'll put things into writing before marriage of course. We're not living together yet, I'm moving in second week of November, so not far away at all. But we've agreed that bills will be split and we'll have separate accounts, and it'll be the same when we do get married. I definitely won't have a child straight away until everything is clear between us.

Cleanhousewastedlife I would be happy to be with him regardless of any infertility issues, because I love him very much and starting a family with him is just another bonus since I was starting to worry it wouldn't happen. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me because I'd rather be with him than with a guy who's a bad father and partner, I'm sure there would be other options like adoption, etc. He's always loved kids but hadn't put much thought into starting a family until I brought it up, so I don't think it would be a dealbreaker for him.

SummerGems, I won't have children straight away, like I said I want to live with him beforehand and make sure everything is in place for having a child, getting married, etc, Being a single parent isn't to be taken lightly, but I understand where they're coming from, I don't think my last fertile years would be something I would waste if I was single, because I would have pursued having children on my own anyway.

I think you’d be incredibly foolish to go ahead with this so fast OP.

One of the most important things you can do as a mother to your potential future children is choose a good father. You cannot possibly know him well enough at this stage to agree to marry him and have a family. The excitement of an engagement and wedding planning will likely cloud the relationship, new relationships need time for you to settle in, get to know them without the pressure of ‘forever’, to see how they act when shit hits the fan, how they deal with arguments, their coping abilities, how they are when you’re sick, their views on parenting and beliefs and morality. You simply can’t know it all in five months.

I know you’re desperate for a child but personally I think you’re being selfish, it’s not just about you. If you rush this and marry and have a baby and you didn’t know him well enough and he turns out abusive or you’re just miserable you’ve brought a new person into that willingly, without taking the time to make sure they’d be a good parent or spouse.

I know you won’t do this, your mind seems set (I too wonder why you’ve posted here: you must have doubts to be seeking the advice of strangers), but I would strongly advise putting the ring away and telling him to ask again after you’ve been together a year, move in to a rental by all means, get to know him without the pressure of planning a wedding, and then have a year long engagement.

To have agreed to marry a man who you’ve known less than two full seasons is nuts, it wouldn’t matter if it was just about you two but given that you’re wanting children you really do need to slow right down. At five months you should be still in the honeymoon phase where infatuation grows into love, seeing if you’re compatible and enjoying being boyfriend and girlfriend not trying to rush ASAP into spouses. The very fact you’re even going along with this does make you sound worryingly immature. I’d also query what his game is and why he’s trying to tie down a woman he’s just met into a legal commitment, what’s he got to gain by rushing this? What he’s hiding.

There are success stories but there are a hell of a lot more disaster stories. The fact you’re both engaged and telling everyone and planning a wedding after being together a few months does indicate neither of you are actually ready for the reality of marriage and babies. Sorry to be so pessimistic but it’s a reality check.

He's always loved kids but hadn't put much thought into starting a family until I brought it up, so I don't think it would be a dealbreaker for him.

Red flag. He’s late thirties and hasn’t ever really thought about starting a family until you’ve brought it up?

He doesn’t sound as keen on the babies part as you, and that’s the primary reason you’re rushing to marry him. I really see this ending in tears with all things considered.