AIBU Engaged to DP after 5 months of dating...

[ButterflyRuns]

Hi everyone. My DP and I have been seeing each other since May, and at my 37th birthday party this last weekend he proposed. I know he's the one for me (cliché I know), we've been inseparable and I'm moving in with him in November. We had discussed marriage, and due to my age want to start a family together sooner rather than later, (we both have no children). My family have been very supportive, but my Mum shared concerns that I'm rushing into it too fast and not seeing the full picture because of my desire to have children - I would like to have more than one child with him and start our family soon after our wedding which will be in the summer (hopefully). Has anyone else become engaged quickly and how did those around you react? I know people in my life probably think I'm crazy.

Goodness. it seems very quick to me. What's the big rush? Mind you, I've been with OH for 7 years and still think it's a bit soon to get married

Has you sat down and talked about the nitty gritty of child-rearing with him. Whose going to look after them, whose going to bring in money, how are finances and household chores to be divided?

How can you say such a thing? Didn't you read HE PROPOSED? That is the important thing, only an unromantic churl would discuss practicalities like that.

Go for it! I got
Engaged 2 weeks after meeting my husband (he was here in holiday to visit his parents-I lived here) he flew home
The very same night and two weeks later I moved back to the U.K. To live with him. We met in August, at Xmas we came back to cyprus to
Organize the wedding,and were wed the following June. Been married 15 years and couldn't be happier!

Takes a lifetime to really know someone. How many people happily married for years, then betrayed.
You know the risks, if it still feels right in a few months go for it. No worse than arranged marriage. Just protect your assets and look out for red flags
If he's a decent person and you both committed it could be fine. Harry and meg didn't exactly hang about.

Takes a lifetime to really know someone. How many people happily married for years, then betrayed.

That's rubbish. Also, just because someone is betrayed, it doesn't mean they didn't know their partner.

Harry and meg didn't exactly hang about

Considering they are only just married you don't know that they will have a happy or long marriage so that's irrelevant. Also, they waited a couple of years!

I

DH proposed 6 months after our first date. We're now married with 2 kids, pregnant with 3rd.

Congratulations!

Me and Mrs Scrommidge met in April, were an item by the end of May, engaged at the end of August, moved in together the following February and were married at the end of April the year after that. 15 years and 3 children later and we each still think the other is alright really, so it can work.

@BarbarianMum

Has you sat down and talked about the nitty gritty of child-rearing with him. Whose going to look after them, whose going to bring in money, how are finances and household chores to be divided?

I can guarantee 100% that NONE of this will have been discussed. The OP and her 'dream man' are in for a few shocks if they get wed AND pregnant in the next few months so soon after meeting.

And PMSL to people comparing Meg and Harry (who didn't wait for a long time to get wed and get preggers,) to the OP. Is the OP married to a Prince, is she a famous actress, and is she rich? And is her husband (to be) a prince, does he own 100's of 1000's of pounds worth of jewellery left to him by his granny, does he have a 25 million pounds inheritance, and is he 6th in line to the throne ? No??? Thought not!

Stupid analogy!

Another whirlwind here, engaged to DH after 11 weeks. Very spontaneous and not a planned proposal- we both just knew. Together 6yrs, 2DC.....

There will be cynics along the way and baby rumors will fly - brush them off.

When you know, you know!

Congrats OP!

OP, you are moving in with him in November? Is this into his home? Does he own it or rent, and if so, what are your plans for a home that belongs to both of you?

What have you discussed about this move? How do you plan to work out finances affected by the move?

Let’s be honest here though, it’s entirely possible to feel you know that someone is “the one” very soon after meeting. And truth is that getting engaged is just a gesture really and can be easily undone. And of course some of those relationships work out - they would have worked out regardless of the time taken.

But many, many more don’t. I’ve been to engagement parties where the wedding never happened or had people announce their engagements but then split before the wedding could happen. And living together is vastly different to just being in the same space a lot and being able to go home at the end of the day if you want to.

And of course some people get pregnant early on and the relationships work out. But equally some people get pregnant early on and then feel trapped in a relationship which would have likely ended a long time ago were it not for the fact there are children in the mix.

It’s a lot lot harder to get out of a marriage than it is to break off an engagement. And it’s a lot lot harder to walk away from a marriage when you have children, because those children tie you to someone for the rest of your life. And that doesn’t have to mean the relationship is abusive before you leave, the relationship may just run its course naturally as relationships often do. But if you’re married and have a baby it’s not so easy to just let it all go and move on.

So yes, I would say engagement is all very well, but I would wait at least a couple of years before getting married. When someone gets engaged so early on I don’t assume that there will actually be a wedding.

Sorry to be a misery but definitely too quick IMHO.

My friend is 40, met her guy OLD, engaged within 3 months, married within 6 and the abuse started on the wedding night, verbal first, then physical and sexual. 3 years later she is finally divorced from that bastard but he ruined her, mentally and financially.

She was so in love with him and so sure he was the guy for her and he led her a merry ride full of lies from day 1.

I really hope your fiancé is the man you think he is. Every body deserves to be happy.

chrisinthesun

In the real world I met and married my DH within 8 months and was pregnant a month later! Both of our families and our friends were supportive as they could see how well matched we were! We discussed everything about having children - including what if we didn't.
We have have faced some very difficult times together during the last
15 years, including redundancy, illness and a child with special needs - all of these have brought us closer together.

Marrying quickly can and does work for many people - particularly when you are older and wiser!

On the other hand, true love was never destroyed by taking a little time to sit and talk over the practicalities.

@Cwtchsarethebest

I am pleased it worked OK for you. But as I said, and as many others have said, there is really no need to rush. Five months after meeting is still in the honeymoon period, you cannot really know someone that early on (especially when you have never lived together,) and as a few people have pointed out, it doesn't look or seem like the OP has even discussed the practicalities.

Will he support her when the baby is born, will he be ok if she wants to be a stay at home mum? Will he share the feeds and nappy changes, and get up in the night to a screaming, teething baby, (becoming more sleep deprived by the day, and having a full day at work ahead?)

All this will soon take its toll on this exciting, fresh relationship with this man who is 'the one...'

Settling down with someone, getting married, and having a baby all within a year is foolhardy IMO, no matter how many people come along and say they did it/their parents did it/their aunt and uncle did it and it worked out just fine!

As Barbarian mum said, no love would ever be ruined by waiting an extra year or two!

I can just imagine the thread on 'relationships' next year ... from the OP ... complaining about how she wishes she had not settled down and had a baby with this man she barely knows.

Congratulations OP! 5 months IS very quick but if you think he’s the one for you I say go for it!

Moved in together after 3 months 20 years ago and still very happy (oh and I was 20!)
You can’t ever know for sure but sometimes you’ve gotta go with your instinct
Congrats

It didn't work for me. Engaged after 8 months but he was at sea for 3 of those. Had a baby within a year of marriage.

I'm now a single mum of a four year old. I don't regret my son. I adore him. But this wasn't what I thought my life would be.

I should have got to know him better. He's a good man. But we were deeply unsuited and I didn't realise that until the honeymoon phase was over and I was looking after a baby and unable to easily walk away.

*Has you sat down and talked about the nitty gritty of child-rearing with him. Whose going to look after them, whose going to bring in money, how are finances and household chores to be divided?

I can guarantee 100% that NONE of this will have been discussed. The OP and her 'dream man' are in for a few shocks if they get wed AND pregnant in the next few months so soon after meeting.
Has you sat down and talked about the nitty gritty of child-rearing with him. Whose going to look after them, whose going to bring in money, how are finances and household chores to be divided?*

And my response is that we have spoken over some of these things. You might think I'm so madly in love that I don't know how to think, but I assure you I do - do you think I would move in with him before having thought about finances? As I said previously, we both have stable careers and money won't be an issue at all. That being said, finances will be split and our financial accounts separate (don't see why anyone would want a joint account with their partner unless only one of them is working).

I know that things will be difficult having a child, but I assure you I don't plan on doing all of this within a year, nor will my wedding be in the next few months and I won't TTC until we both feel ready for that. If that isn't next year, we won't. I'm certainly fast, but not that fast.

I certainly don't get the analogy of Harry and Meghan in my situation and they were together for nearly two years, but I get the comparison in terms of age. Meghan couldn't wait around much to have kids any more than I can, so she and Harry are pregnant soon after the wedding - good for them both!

Hi choli, I'm moving in to his house which he owns. I own a flat of my own, and would like to put it on the market or rent it in the next few months. We'd like to buy a home together but haven't put a huge amount of thought into it, but I don't mind waiting a few years because it's a nice house.

Sorry for confusion, I meant to bold the first 2 paragraphs.

Oh, and I pasted BarbarianMum's post twice. My bad I'm thick.

I got engage after 2 weeks, married in 6 months. Looking back now I think I was crazy and realise I basically married a stranger. I was in my early 30's and he is now my ex. Yes, get engaged but I would take my time really getting to know him before committing to marriage if I were you. It is so easy to get carried away.

We got engaged after a couple of weeks! Still so happily married with beautiful children! When you know you know!

Honestly, I don't think you get to know the "real" person for a year or two. You are on your best behaviour in the honeymoon phase. However, age is a factor if you want children, I'd give it a go, a leap into the unknown and hope for the best.

Good luck op, I hope it works out for you.

And my response is that we have spoken over some of these things.

Seriously, talk them through with a great deal of clarity. The reason a lot of women are warning you is because they've felt like they "talked things through" only to discover that actually they had had some "in love" conversations about believing in equality and sharing the load and working together, only to find that they hadn't really thought through the ins and outs closely enough.

Talk about

• who is going to take time off work and how long exactly
• how will you pay for maternity leave?
• if you are the one taking parental leave, will he cover all your expenses (given that you're providing full-time child care) or will you be expected to continue to contribute from your joint account as well as provide full-time childcare (and possibly a higher share of household management)
• whether one or both of you are going to reduce hours/work flexibility long-term to accommodate school runs etc or pay for wraparound care throughout the school years
• how is child care going to be arranged, managed and paid for? Investigate the real costs, don't just guess at them
• how will that affect the job capacity/progression/retirement savings of the person/people taking time off and/or reducing hours
• how will you split household responsibilities, including cooking cleaning and the vast amount of management work associated with children once parental leave is finished? Is your HTB going to be the sort of dad who actively helps with the large job of organising birthday parties, for example, or will he just show up on the day and BBQ some meat and do the dishes afterwards?

I own a flat of my own, and would like to put it on the market or rent it in the next few months.

RENT IT RENT IT RENT IT. Please don't sell your largest financial asset until you are 100 percent certain of his financial situation (including all assets, savings, trusts, business viability, debts etc), his spending habits, your agreements around future loadshare and earning potential and so on.