AIBU Engaged to DP after 5 months of dating...

[ButterflyRuns]

Hi everyone. My DP and I have been seeing each other since May, and at my 37th birthday party this last weekend he proposed. I know he's the one for me (cliché I know), we've been inseparable and I'm moving in with him in November. We had discussed marriage, and due to my age want to start a family together sooner rather than later, (we both have no children). My family have been very supportive, but my Mum shared concerns that I'm rushing into it too fast and not seeing the full picture because of my desire to have children - I would like to have more than one child with him and start our family soon after our wedding which will be in the summer (hopefully). Has anyone else become engaged quickly and how did those around you react? I know people in my life probably think I'm crazy.

[justilou1]

We met on Sep 1st and were engaged Christmas Eve... 16 years ago, 3 kids, one dog, 14 house moves (loooong story, but if we weren’t meant to be together, that would have broken us up long before now, right?) Congrats!!!

[bubbles108]

If I were your mother I'd say live together for 6 months. Then plan the wedding for 6 months. Then get married.

[bowdownbeforelokitty]

If you will be just as happy married to him regardless of children then great, just make sure you have had all the relevant, boring talks first. Are you both in agreement on things like finances will there be shared accounts and family money or separate accounts. Do you agree on future child's education, have you talked about expectations re: division of housework & bill paying, cooking etc, What's the in-law situation like, are you sexually compatible and are you compatible together in regard to shared values.

There are no guarantees of course, but you can go in quick if you've at least got your eyes open.

[Brokendown18]

Pretty much every thread on here about family finances talks about having a joint account when there are children, so I think you need an open mind on that. Apologies if I’ve missed it but have you said why you plan to wait so long before ttc because it does not seem like you’ll have time for more than one dc, if that. Is your df committed to a time for this? Since he’s younger he might feel he can wait to decide, but he really can’t withoit affecting your chances. No one here knows if you will be one of the quick romances that is still together in 30 years or one that ends in flames. Protect your assets and keep your eyes open, and grab what happiness you can.

[dontalltalkatonce]

Hi choli, I'm moving in to his house which he owns.

I did this once. Was in my 30s, knew what I was doing, it was love, we'd talked.

Can you guess the rest?

Luckily when he told me it was over I had a good job and money because he gave me a week to find another place to live.

But I've found in such instances as yours and mine, saying anything other than 'You go, girl!' will fall on deaf ears.

I understand. I was desperate to procreate myself.

[Loopytiles]

It’s a big risk you’re taking, and likely the rush is driven by the (understandable) desire to have DC. Your mum’s concerns are valid.

If the relationship works out, great, if not best have a back up plan for being a single parent, possibly with 50/50 time with DC.

You both have well paying jobs now, which is good, but the odds are that if - as many of us do - you take a career break (beyond maternity leave) or go part time your personal position in the labour market will worsen and his will improve.

[dontalltalkatonce]

You both have well paying jobs now, which is good, but the odds are that if - as many of us do - you take a career break (beyond maternity leave) or go part time your personal position in the labour market will worsen and his will improve.

Again, you won't listen, OP, but I highly recommend you don't do this - leave work or go PT - especially if you are still unmarried.

But again, this is probably farting in the wind.

[MintyCedric]

Definitely rent your flat out whatever you do.

I sold mine...because dealing with rental agents and trying to get a mortgage for the two of us that took that into account sounded like too much of a pita (I was 23 at the time and didn't even really look into it).

Because we were married and, through a combination of luck and timing, had a relatively tiny mortgage, I walked away with enough to buy a small house for me and DD, but only by working full time in a job I don't always like very much.

It's worth it but galling to think I could be mortgage free with several thousand in the bank if only I'd made better choices.

Also because my XH ultimately became emotionally abusive and the house was in his name, my only choice when we left was to move in with my elderly parents. We lived there for nearly 2 years, me, pre teen DD and a pair of Octagenarians; 2 beds and a box room, shared kitchen, 1 bathroom, very different personalities. I'm extremely grateful we had the option but it was not fun a lot of the time.

If you do go ahead with your plans, make sure you do it with your eyes wide open and plan for less good eventualities. It's not unromantic, it's self-preservation.

[missmarplesknittingcoach]

Sometimes it just clicks . Moved in together after a month , engaged after 4 . Still really happy 35 years later .

[ButterflyRuns]

Maybe IABU to update this thread over a year later (I hope I'm fine to post it here) but now feels like a better time than never to return to MN and let anyone who might remember me know as the thread received more attention than I expected and I know not everyone was optimistic - thank you for your honesty, it did help put things into perspective as I'm sure it echoed the thoughts of people around me.

DH and I got married in September (11 month engagement), not a summer wedding as I was originally set on as there was a lot going on in my personal life and we didn't want to rush any more than that. I think having more time together before the wedding was important as it was a quick turnaround. We are living together house and my flat is being rented out, but we're intending to buy a house next year.

Some people said I should have been TTC sooner due to my age (I'm now 38, DH 35) but because of everything that was going on and not feeling ready yet I didn't start trying until shortly before the wedding, and after 2ish months of that (I honestly thought it would be longer) I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with our first DC! I'm pretty worried about being pregnant at my age since the risk is higher but very excited to welcome a child with DH, so does anyone know of a thread with pregnant women my age?

[ButterflyRuns]

We're living together in his house is what I meant to put, my bad!

[AriadnePersephoneCloud]

We got engaged after four months and married a year almost to the day after our first date and are still happy ten years later. I suppose the advantage of waiting is it gives you longer to get to know more but sometimes long relationships fail. It might work it might not, you can only do what you think is right.

[Ariadnepersephonecloud]

Damn really should have read the thread, and YANBU, it's good to hear it all worked out! I don't know any threads but I know plenty of women over 38 who have had perfectly healthy pregnancies.

[ButterflyRuns]

Sorry for being misleading there Ariadne! Didn't think there would be any point to start a new thread. That's good to hear, I've heard a lot of positive stories and my mother had my younger sister when she was 37 but of course there's an inkling of worrying about the risks of a geriatric pregnancy too.

[ButterflyRuns]

@flouncyfanny I think I would have been a bit apprehensive at 7 weeks since I was married in the past and it didn't go too well and everyone would've thought I went crazy! But I don't regret anything I did now, I think the pace was right and I didn't jump right into the wedding.

[minionsrule]

Awww congrats OP.
DH and I got engaged after 2 months and married 6 months later. I had been married before but he hadn't, he is 7 years younger than me. We both knew and in a couple of weeks it is our 15 year anniversary 😊.
We also had ds within 18 months of getting married (i was 'getting on a bit')

[minionsrule]

P.s was with 1st husband 6 years before we got married and that only lasted 3 years so delaying things doesn't always mean you get it right!

[ButterflyRuns]

@flouncyfanny I could've had a much nicer wedding if I left it longer considering I only gave myself about 6 and a half months to plan (disgruntled venues you can imagine) but I think I just wanted to get it out of the way and focus on starting a family tbh, but we would have started TTC even if we didn't get married.

Thank you @minionsrule! It seems you were much in the same boat as me then with the 'getting on a bit' congratulations on your 15th wedding anniversary!

[ButterflyRuns]

@minionsrule I was with my first husband for nearly 7 years before we got married, and that fell apart after 18 months. So I definitely think time isn't much of an indication because things can go wrong in any relationship for a number of reasons (that said, I know you have to know someone before you marry them and I did!)

[Grumpos]

Congratulations!

We didn’t get engaged (he says he’s still waiting for me to ask him! ) but we were pregnant and living together within 9 mths of meeting.

Absolutely the right thing for us, two kids and a family home later we both say we knew straight away.

I was 36 when we met and 37 when first was born, second is due soon. We’ve said we’ll have a quiet year in 2020

Best of luck to you both!

[ButterflyRuns]

Thank you @Grumpos! We're both pregnant at the same time then with a pretty similar turnaround in having kids (although we met when I was 36, and I'm 38 now) How old are you now?

[Grumpos]

Oh brilliant update! Try the antenatal clubs in the pregnancy boards.