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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Engaged to DP after 5 months of dating...

279 replies

ButterflyRuns · 24/10/2018 23:46

Hi everyone. My DP and I have been seeing each other since May, and at my 37th birthday party this last weekend he proposed. I know he's the one for me (cliché I know), we've been inseparable and I'm moving in with him in November. We had discussed marriage, and due to my age want to start a family together sooner rather than later, (we both have no children). My family have been very supportive, but my Mum shared concerns that I'm rushing into it too fast and not seeing the full picture because of my desire to have children - I would like to have more than one child with him and start our family soon after our wedding which will be in the summer (hopefully). Has anyone else become engaged quickly and how did those around you react? I know people in my life probably think I'm crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 00:59

Dickybow321 - If I fell pregnant now I would be delighted, but I want us to be living together, to have the wedding out of the way and not a concern and for everything to feel secure before we have a child. A year is still pretty soon. I don't feel like I'm rushing the engagement itself that much, because summer is still a fair way off.

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butterflysugarbaby · 25/10/2018 01:00

@keepservingthedrinks really glad yours worked out and I know some do, but rushing like this because of the biological clock ticking is risky. And as a few people have said, babies put a huge strain on a relationship. So it does have to be very strong to withold it.

JMHO and good luck to the OP ...

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/10/2018 01:00

It’s very quick, you really won’t know him when you get married & as much as you feel ‘he’s the one’ you’ve got bugger all to base that on.

However, I would take the chance because I’d rather raise my children alone than never have had them.

The biggest mistake would be to be so determined not to bring your kids up ‘in a broken home’ that you stay when you shouldn’t. Don’t back yourself into a corner.

Life’s a roller coaster, enjoy the ride. Best wishes for it all working out 🌷

OlennasWimple · 25/10/2018 01:01

5 months? Blimey - in my family that counts as a long courtship!

My parents were met and married within four months are still happily married over 40 years later. There are lots of other similar examples in the family too - when you know, you know

Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 01:03

Hi, KeepServingTheDrinks. I know that this is the 'honeymoon' period and that things will be difficult as with every marriage, but I'm ready to commit to that because I love him and know that it feels right now and I don't see the point in waiting years. I want to have children with him now because I love him, and I don't think I would marry anyone for that reason alone.

Definitely emmylousings. That's how things will be, and my family members all like him and think he's a very good bloke, we were introduced to each other's families pretty early on, maybe 3 weeks. (fast moving, what can I say).

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Tangofandango · 25/10/2018 01:03

We got engaged 2 months after meeting on a blind date, married 5 months later - no living together first. I was 20, he was 26. 2 kids, 2 grandchildren, and 45 years later we are still together. It hasn't all been blissful, there have been times when it's been hard work and we've both felt like calling it a day, but we still have the same fundamental values and we still like and have respect for each other, so we've been happy to stay together. I wish you every happiness and a long life together.

MyEyesAreNotDeceivingMe · 25/10/2018 01:05

I’m another one of those posters. Met in June, engaged in December, married in May.

I was very happily single till then and wasn’t fussed about kids.

Been married for 19 years (I’d get less for murder Grin) and 2 children.

Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 01:06

Of course, AnnieAnoniMouse I would never encourage anyone to stay in an unhealthy relationship. You're right that I want to have kids sooner rather than later, and even though I would be fine having not met the 'one' and having children alone, I really want to have a partner who I love to share my kids with me and maybe I'm a sucker for love but right now all the things align to doing it with him. I don't have a lot to base it on, but I know he'll be an excellent father and he's an overall great guy.

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MyEyesAreNotDeceivingMe · 25/10/2018 01:07

Oh and we didn’t live together before marriage either.

Lemondrizzlecake1 · 25/10/2018 01:14

I don't think it's too quick for some people however it took my husband 10 years to propose. I think age has a lot to do with it though, I was 20 when I met my husband so we had time. If we'd met at 35 it would have been rather different.

My brother met his current wife, the day after they were in a relationship, 2 months later living together, engaged after 5 months and married 12 months after meeting (in the place they first met!). They were both 37 when they met and both wanted kids. Unfortunately they found out they couldn't have kids 12 months after they married and due to their age didn't want to pursue fertility treatment.

They are very happy though and no one really said much about the speed they did everything. Everyone assumed the mad rush was to have children. I got engaged and my brother met and married his wife before we had our wedding (I was only engaged 18 months) that felt a bit weird!

If it feels right for you and you're happy it doesn't really matter what other people think.

Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 01:18

Lemondrizzlecake1 I agree with you, I think everyone has a different path and I definitely didn't expect that I would be 37 and not have a family of my own yet, but I guess life is full of surprises. It has a lot to do with age, and while I'm sure a part of me wishes we could have longer to enjoy just being together without the added pressure of children, I know that we would be ready to love a little one and I know that I want to pursue this journey with him by my side.

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Fatasfook · 25/10/2018 01:20

I met my dp moved in together after a couple of weeks. 15 years later still very happily married with 2 kids. When you know you know

Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 01:20

Sorry I haven't been able to reply to everyone, but thank you for the nice messages and your stories, I definitely feel reassured by some of the posts but thank you to others - it's good for me to stay grounded and not let the whole wedding thing get to my head. Flowers

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kateandme · 25/10/2018 01:27

I cant imagine you haven't been through the whys and why nots in this situation.id like to think a couple would.so...good luck to you.
if you don't work out then that is awful.but you sound like you totally in love and ready for this so all you can do is be brave and go for it.
life is too short and often too painful,especially I nthe current climate so if your happy then that is lovely.
not to say its wrong.but just remember the stress of moving plus the stress of arranging a wedding can be like steam trains to the most secure and loveliest of couples.so just be aware of that if things start to be tense its not that you've made the wrong decision.its simply that these things bring lots of eeeek moment with them.

SandyY2K · 25/10/2018 01:45

I can understand your mum's POV and I also understand yours too regarding your age and desire to start a family.

You're committing to together until death parts you after a relatively short time.

Dontsweathesmallstuff · 25/10/2018 01:50

If it feels right then go for it, dh and i got engaged after 6 months of getting together and we were quite young 24 & 26 but we just knew it was right for us. Lots of people were Hmm and assumed i must be pregnant (i wasn't and found it amusing that they'd be proved wrong eventually). Admittedly we had a long engagement but that was more to do with being skint than anything else but we are still together nearly 30 years and 3 children later. Smile

Armchairanarchist · 25/10/2018 01:50

Engaged after three months, married six months later and we've been happily married for twenty three years. When you know, you know.

Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 01:53

My mum worries about that for sure, she and my father were together quick and they divorced when I was a child and I know she doesn’t want me to end up on my own - I don’t see that happening and I feel ready to commit to him like that especially being where I’m at with my life. I know that what I want isn’t possible if I set myself time limits because time doesn’t wait and I don’t want to wait any longer.

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Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 01:56

Dontsweathesmallstuff I actually told my friends that we wanted to get married to start a family and they had already put two and two together. I guess people will because of my age and the pace of it all, but that’s fine. I’ve been open about wanting to have children, and all of my friends have kids of their own now.

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Fantastiqueangel · 25/10/2018 02:02

We're another happy example. Engaged after 5 months, together 20 years. We were younger than you as well. There's a lot to be said for being a couple who really want to be married. No persuading, or ultimatums, or just getting engaged because it's the next step. At 37, you don't expect a constant bed of roses, well, not without some thorns! You have some idea that there will be hard times. Realistically, splitting up can happen to any couple. I would personally wait a year before TTC, just to have some time to enjoy, but that's up to you.

Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 02:12

Hi Fantastiqueangel. I don’t intend on TTC yet, since I want to focus on our relationship leading up to getting married and being pregnant would be an added hassle with all of that, but I would definitely like to have my first child at some point in 2020. I know what to expect, I think we’re both mature adults and know it won’t be easy but will be worthwhile because we love each other and want to spend our lives together.

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BitOfFun · 25/10/2018 02:17

You're a big girl now, and you know your own mind. I'm very happy for you. Life is often shorter than you think- grab your chance to be happy!

Original poster
ButterflyRuns · 25/10/2018 02:20

Thank you BitOfFun! Definitely too short - my young years have gone by so quickly and while I have no regrets I don’t want to regret this time in my life.

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Fantastiqueangel · 25/10/2018 02:20

Agree, this is your chance to have a loving relationship and family. You'd be mad not to grab it imo.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 25/10/2018 02:46

Congratulations opSmile

My husband and I got engaged seven months after meeting. We've been together for five years now.