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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Engaged to DP after 5 months of dating...

279 replies

ButterflyRuns · 24/10/2018 23:46

Hi everyone. My DP and I have been seeing each other since May, and at my 37th birthday party this last weekend he proposed. I know he's the one for me (cliché I know), we've been inseparable and I'm moving in with him in November. We had discussed marriage, and due to my age want to start a family together sooner rather than later, (we both have no children). My family have been very supportive, but my Mum shared concerns that I'm rushing into it too fast and not seeing the full picture because of my desire to have children - I would like to have more than one child with him and start our family soon after our wedding which will be in the summer (hopefully). Has anyone else become engaged quickly and how did those around you react? I know people in my life probably think I'm crazy.

OP posts:
lyndaishistory · 25/10/2018 08:27

My DH took 7 years to propose. I knew from the moment I met him that he was the "one" (we both felt that way about each other.) If he had asked me after 5 months, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. When you know, you know!
Congratulations :)

bluejelly · 25/10/2018 08:30

I would slow down a bit. You don't really know someone at 5 months. Everyone is still on their best behaviour. My cousin got engaged after 3 months. Was divorced by year 2. Sorry to be a downer.

Rememberallball · 25/10/2018 08:33

@ButterflyRuns, this is my story......

Started chatting to a guy listed as a ‘Top Prospect’ (wtf is that all about?) on a dating website on a Friday (May 16th), met at local pub on the Sunday (May 18th). By the end of 5 hours together we were finishing each other’s sentences and felt we’d known each other for years. Within 2 weeks we’d discussed our past marriages and where we stood on moving in, marriage and having children. We decided we were a couple at that point.

He changed jobs in the July going from a place he could walk to from his home to one he had to travel to by train and couldn’t get to directly in time for a morning shift (6am start). From where I lived he could get there easily and it seemed right to suggest he stay with me when he was working (4 days on 4 days off) to reduce the travel and costs of travel. By the end of August he had moved in permanently and given up his house share.

We went away in the October and, on the first day he proposed and I said yes. We discussed that he needed to sort his divorce (had been separated for 3 years at this point) before we bought the ring. We told a few friends and family who were all very happy for us. On Christmas Day he asked my dad for his blessing for us to get married, which dad was happy to give and he was very excited to announce it to the family over Christmas dinner. We started planning our wedding for the May but, sadly, my dad passed away suddenly 3 weeks later. We changed our plans and booked our wedding for the September.

It was just 4 years ago that we met and 3 years ago that we married. We are an older couple (DH was 50 last month and I’m 47 in a couple of months) and still blissfully happy. We had the discussions about trying for a baby which we decided we would in the September of the year we met but, sadly, things haven’t happened so we are having IVF to try and complete our family. My DH has been an absolute rock over the last 4 1/2 years supporting me through losing both of my parents, finding out we’d need IVF and now, having to move away from where we currently live as we have had to sell my DM’s home and can’t afford to live in this area any more.

I believe that, once we’re in our mid to late 30’s, we have a much better idea of what we want from life and can be a bit more ruthless about being honest that we need to ttc earlier as we don’t have time on our side. If you both feel this is the right thing for you both, if you don’t have qualms about a shorter engagement and if you are both happy to start ttc sooner rather than later; I say go for it. We don’t get many chances in life to be truly happy and sometimes things happen quicker than a textbook or social media thinks it should but, as I now know, if you know you know.

Tahani · 25/10/2018 08:34

When you know, you know!

I wish people would stop saying this, what about all those failed marriages out there? they knew, didnt they?
www.rainscourt.com/interesting-statistics/
estimated 42%
The majority of divorces in 2016 where a decree absolute was granted, were petitioned by the wife (61%). The most common grounds for divorce was unreasonable behaviour, with 36% of all husbands and 51% of all wives petitioning for divorce on these grounds.

what about all those women on the relationship boards, with failure DHs, or absent fathers, or abusive husbands, they knew

there is no guarantee in life, but if you feel its right, then go for it - enjoy the time with him - forget the wedding for a bit and live a 'normal' life and see how that works out - the odds are that it will be fine, but...

totallyaddicted · 25/10/2018 08:39

My parents got engaged after 4 months of dating and have been married 31 years. So it can work.
But... I really think you need to separate in your mind your desire to have children and your upcoming wedding/marriage to this man.
What if you or he are infertile? Would you still be happy with your decision to marry him and to marry him so quickly? Would you want to go ahead with a sperm donor/ adoption etc because your desire to have children seems really strong. These are tricky discussions that I'm not sure you can really have after 5 months of dating but good luck and I hope things turn out the way you want them.

bluejelly · 25/10/2018 08:40

How does he get on with his mum/sister/the significant women in his life? That's often a good indicator of his overall approach to women. Also how does his dad treat his mum? Is he supportive and caring?

Luffly1 · 25/10/2018 08:41

I think you and everyone else knows that it’s your urgency to have a child that is making you rush into this.

DH and I decided to have a baby after about two years together for exactly this reason. It was a ‘now or never’ type thing.

Ten years down the line we are splitting up but I can honestly say I don’t regret a thing. Not at all.

And I have friends who were together much longer before marrying, who had long engagements, big weddings and all that, who have split up with enormous acrimony, lies, affairs, secrets debts blahblahblah.

So who knows really?

I agree that you should forget the wedding for now though.

choli · 25/10/2018 08:42

Ignore the moronic "when you know you know" bullshit. What arrangements have you put in place and in writing about finances, childcare etc.? Are you living together and if so are you happy with the current division of household labor and expenses? Does he think all child related expenses will be shared? Answer these questions to your own standards before you procreate. Its no good whinging after if you go in with eyes deliberately shut.

AamdC · 25/10/2018 08:44

I met dh in the febuary and married him in the august, i wont pretend its been easy and we have haf sime tough times, most people thpught it wouldnt work and it was too soon etc yet 14 years and two kids later we are still together and still love each other .

Dodie66 · 25/10/2018 08:44

I met my hubby in September, engaged in January and married in May. Still,together 46 years later

Mulberry72 · 25/10/2018 08:45

I moved in with DH six weeks after meeting him, and he proposed after eight weeks.

Been married thirteen years now.

When you know, you know.

Good luck OP

BlueUggs · 25/10/2018 08:45

I met and married within 14 months. It lasted 11 years.....wish I'd taken my time as looking back, I'd ignored a few red flags that had cropped up....

dontalltalkatonce · 25/10/2018 08:46

Sorry but at 37 I wouldn't wait another year to TTC if you want more than 1 child. For everyone who conceived easily at 40 or above and had a healthy, full term baby there are those who can't or don't. I think you're trying to have things in sequence to what people do when they start a bit younger but you don't have the luxury of all this at your age. The biological clock is definitely a thing!

BunsOfAnarchy · 25/10/2018 08:48

Congratulations OP.
I dont think how long you've been together matters much. I know people who were together 10 years before getting engaged and are happy. I also have a friend who married her husvand within 6 months of meeting and they too are blissfully happy.

Just enjoy it. Life is short. If you both want the same from life then go for it.x

MintyCedric · 25/10/2018 08:51

How does he get on with his mum/sister/the significant women in his life?

Absolutely this. I'm not even going to go there with my XHs relationship with his mother but had I been older and wiser when we met...red flags a go go!

Sommelierrrr · 25/10/2018 08:51

All this 'when you know you' claptrap - obviously I thought I knew! Actually I was in a toxic , co dependent relationship with an abusive arsehole that I desperately wanted to work. Op, please make sure in your heart of hearts that you are in the right place to make a good decision on which all your happiness and stability will rest.
Best of luck and I truly do hope hope it works out for you both Flowers

LightDrizzle · 25/10/2018 08:52

I was going post TheOther’s point about seeing him with his family and friends extensively.
I married a man who turned out to be made of straw and mud after a whirlwind romance. That doesn’t mean you are going to, but one of my big mistakes was not seeing him amongst his friends enough. Like you he introduced me to his family early, and he had good strong relationships with them, and clearly liked them as did I. They had decent values. I met him when he’d moved to a new city and so didn’t see him amongst the main friends of his adulthood for a while. I met one or two singly, and they were fine. After we were engaged, we visited his former city and spent a night in the pub with them all. I thought “Oh my god! What a bunch of smug, privileged, pompous, mysogynistic cunts!” My ex made a few excuses for them and by that stage I was so blinded I just thought, thank goodness X isn’t like that and if he ever was, he’s grown out of it and they haven’t. Of course you can guess how I, and many others would describe my ex now. I stupidly ignored what was in plain sight.
As long as you’ve paid attention to his friends, family and how he relates to them, how he talks about ex girlfriends, his views on things that are important to you and on things that have strong ethical or political implications, there is no reason why you might not have struck lucky.
I still think seeing how people respond to pressure and misfortune is a good idea before commitment, but I suppose you have to balance your risks.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 25/10/2018 08:54

I think it sounds lovely. There's no guarantees in life and even if you'd known eachother years, it still wouldn't mean you'd have the life you wanted. I was with my exh for 5 years before we got married, and he had multiple affairs and ultimately left me for someone else when our dd was only a few months old. Go for it OP, and may you have a wonderful happy life together.

flamingofridays · 25/10/2018 08:57

I think if you know, you know.

and yeah you know what, it might not work out, but then you could wait 10 years to get married, and it still might not work out, so why not just bloody go for it.

BGDino · 25/10/2018 09:01

My dad proposed to my mum after 6 dates over 6 weeks. She didn't think he was serious and didn't give him an answer for 24 hours. Said yes when he asked again. Married within a year of engagement and I showed up within a year of marriage. 33 years together and counting!

JoyfulMystery · 25/10/2018 09:04

Ignore the moronic "when you know you know" bullshit. What arrangements have you put in place and in writing about finances, childcare etc.? Are you living together and if so are you happy with the current division of household labor and expenses? Does he think all child related expenses will be shared? Answer these questions to your own standards before you procreate. Its no good whinging after if you go in with eyes deliberately shut.

I'm joining the cynics and agreeing with this. Also, OP, as this speed is very obviously driven by your desire to have a child, I think you should ask yourself how you would feel if this possibility was taken out of the equation. If your fiancé turned out to be infertile, would you still be marrying him? I might be accused of cruelty and pessimism here, but your heart is so obviously set on this that it's dictating everything else, and I think it might be helpful to consider whether you see a future with him without children equally rosily.

I had been with my partner for many years before we decided to have a child, and despite a straightforward birth, a healthy baby and enough money, having DS shook our very strong and established relationship to the core. We needed every bit of the stability love and mutual knowledge built up by a long and happy relationship.

greendale17 · 25/10/2018 09:04

I agree with your mum. If you were 25 would you have got engaged to a man you only knew for 5 months? I doubt you what have.

OneStepMoreFun · 25/10/2018 09:05

DH and I got engaged after 6 months, and for us it was also a case of 'when you know, you know in the sense that neither of us had felt as at ease with anyone else in our lives, neither of us felt we could be ourselves as much with anyone else. The things about us that drove other people up the wall happened not to bother each other that much, and our deep and nerdy interests were perfectly matched (and still are, 25 years later.)
OP is 37. It's quite possible that she knows the difference between new man and previous attempts.
As to the 'unreasonable behaviour' statistic - it's meaningless. You have to cite something as a reason, and this is the most vague.

MrsA2015 · 25/10/2018 09:06

Congratulations! Go for it OP, life it too short.

welling up awaiting wedding plan thread Grin

Fundays12 · 25/10/2018 09:09

Got with my now hubby in Feb engaged at Christmas time married the following June (so 18 months all in ) still got told it would never last. We are still together 10 years later and have 2 kids one of whom has complex additional needs and we stay strong together. We may have another child yet. If you feel it’s right go for it.