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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

370 replies

Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 15:22

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

OP posts:
Time4change2018 · 24/10/2018 18:59

I'd ask your mum to speak tomorrow and say how upset your daughter, she doesn't want to be touched and you want him moved away from her and monitored. Also ask her to say she'll be going directly to the office as she leaves to get the contact detsils for the head and govenors as this issue has been raised a number of times already and you are concerned about daughters confidence and happiness at being unsupported by her teacher.

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 19:00

It could just as easily be a girl doing it at five.

Then you would get entirely different responses.

Your DD knows she dosent have to put up with it, yon have her back and you are going in. It's really a much better strategy than bending some kids fingers back.

You just need to get in there and get a meeting I think. I get your frustrated but it's the staff that should be doing a bit more here.

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 19:01

Does the teacher have email? Or whoever is running the class when she's off?

Sockwomble · 24/10/2018 19:03

"Which is why I think hitting is the only way to go now."

And when hitting doesn't work, what next?

MaisyPops · 24/10/2018 19:04

People sayimg it might be sensory needs or SEND. It may well be due to sensory needs but sensory needs doesn't mean give a child the green light to invade another child's space routinely. If a child has those additional needs then the teacher neess to manage it without expecting another child to put up with their space invading.
Put it this way, would you say it's acceptable for a child with ADHD to plait a Peter's hair because thry didn't jave a fidget spinner? What about squeeze a peer's thigh because they are anxious and have my got a stress toy? The teacher should manage any additional needs if there are any. That's not a child's burden to carry.

Absolutely raise it with school and push the issue.

You'll be quite unreasonable to tell your daughter to resort to violence though. Totally reasomable to tell her to stand up and move away regardless of what is going on in the lesson (not saying girls should have to move away but I think that repeated "I'm moving away because Timmy keeps touching me and I don't want to eb touched" shows the teacher she won't be socialised into accepting someone touching her).

Watsername · 24/10/2018 19:04

I would ask the teacher in the morning to move the carpet spaces. If your child had forgotten their glasses they would move her - of course they can move her for this. Ask every day til she is moved.

Tell your child to say very loudly "stop touching me".

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 19:07

If DD starts whacking kids that piss her off even if they are at fault she will start getting punished. And I can't see how that will make her happier because if it's dealt with verbally she won't.

Hitting the child might not even stop it.

Adults need to help her stop it.

Gottagetmoving · 24/10/2018 19:08

And when hitting doesn't work, what next?

Death by firing squad probably Grin

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 19:11

😂

abacucat · 24/10/2018 19:11

Except it usually does work.

KOKOagainandagain · 24/10/2018 19:14

As the mother of a sensory seeking (autistic) son this is very familiar. KS1 has carpet time - why? What purpose does it serve? For my son it multiplied issues hugely. He could just about cope with the rules sitting at a table but didn't generalise these rules to carpet time. It wasn't personal - he would stoke anyone in reach. Sat at a table they are not in reach.

This is totally on the school. The school didn't even tell me it was an issue in KS1 because they were going down the route of hearing issues, absence seizures, potential problems at home, ADHD etc before being willing to accept he was autistic (and needed an EHCP). Think of the budget! Once I was aware I used to insist that in addition to teaching him, using social stories, rules of personal space and boundaries that they give the other kids a break from having to deal with his behaviour whilst he was still learning. Teachers would either use other children to police him or other more passive kids who would suck it up.

Tbh you will be doing the parents of the little boy a favour by complaining to the school as they may well be unaware and this will help them get needed support as impacting others is key to getting support. But complain to the school. Your daughter is being impacted because of school failure. Don't encourage your child to punish the unsupported child or blame and demonise him.

Gottagetmoving · 24/10/2018 19:16

Except it usually does work

Phew!.... no need for the firing squad then....

Sockwomble · 24/10/2018 19:17

Wouldn't work with my child. If a child is doing it for sensory reasons you won't slap it out of them.

Original poster
Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 19:29

KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain they do know there is a issue we have spoken a few times about it. I think mother knows as they have been called in a couple of time at end of school for a quick word
Carpet time at least twice a day for registration and leaving but also more for story time and the like

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 24/10/2018 19:30

YOU are minimising this, OP. It IS worthy of going to see/e-mailing the Head Teacher about. It IS worth missing half your shifts at work for a few days about so you see the teacher and the Head and ARE that difficult parent! Show your daughter your tigress! It’s not a little problem; you are setting her up for life. Mention that you will be reporting this to Ofsted as a failure to protect. This is YOUR job! Please don’t fail to protect your daughter and be half arsed with the school. No hitting the boy, he sounds like he needs help, but you are all your daughter has, so get up to the school with smoke coming out of your arse and set an example to you daughter about protecting your bodily integrity and rights.

MaisyPops · 24/10/2018 19:34

Sockwomble
But your child's teacher would be responsible for ensuring your child's needs are met without having other children's space invaded.

At the moment it's an oversight from the teacher. If the teacher doesn't act then they're letting both children down.

chocolatebox1 · 24/10/2018 19:40

I do think it's very important that children learn from a young age that no matter the reasons for it, uninvited touching isn't acceptable and they're in the right to protest about it and demand it stops. I don't believe the old fashioned attitude of "just ignore it, it's not a big deal" is a slippery slope to putting up with unacceptable behaviour for fear of making a fuss. Your dd is very brave and should be praised for speaking up and protesting, she is setting a very good example to other children

RomanyRoots · 24/10/2018 19:41

abacucat

So would it be ok to hit your child when another didn't like what they were doing?
Would you say fair enough the other child didn't like what you were doing so his mum was right to tell him to smack you, You only have yourself to blame?
Or more likely would you feel it an injustice and complain, especially if your child had sn. Which has been pointed out to be the likely case.

Great, so children who don't conform to the norm, have sn should have it knocked out of them. I'm sorry for your children being raised with this attitude.

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 19:41

No, it really dosent always work. It might in some instances but I really can't see if working here.,

Tinkerbell89 · 24/10/2018 19:48

You need to write to the head and governors advising it keeps being raised and not resolved and you have given your daughter permission to move away from him when he does this and she should not get into trouble for protecting herself. This is a welfare concern as this could impact her mentally - she isn't being protected.

This is an issue which needs to be resolved as when he gets older if it continues this could be serious. Also why does he do it or have a need to? He needs some support and possible counselling.

The boy should be separated at this time of day and sat on his own to prevent it.

Write to head and governors and advise if it continues you'll be taking it further and seeking further advice from the relevant services who can then investigate the school and situation. Write it tonight to go in tomorrow

PrincessScarlett · 24/10/2018 20:06

OP, you need to keep going into the school demanding to speak to the headteacher until this issue is sorted. Sod work! Your daughter is being failed by the school.

None of us know what issues this boy has. He might have special needs, he might not understand boundaries, he might just be naughty. However, worse case scenario he may be a victim of some sort of abuse himself. A family member teaches reception and has had 2 cases of inappropriate unwarranted touching from 5 year olds who it turned out were in abusive households.

Either way the school if failing both your daughter and the boy. You must pursue this with the school until the situation is resolved. If it is not resolved you need to take it further.

Original poster
Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 20:16

RomanyRoots if my daughter was doing something like its and wouldn't stop I would understand why they would smack her but if this was my daughter I would have dealt with it already

OP posts:
PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 20:25

Really how? If the teachers as you say weren't doing much?

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 20:27

I don't think there are many posters on this thread that would be happy to have their child hit or fingers bent back because "they asked for it" at five.

Gottagetmoving · 24/10/2018 20:31

Amazing that this easily solved minor issue, involving FIVE year olds has provoked such dramatic overreaction from adults.