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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

370 replies

Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 15:22

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 24/10/2018 18:19

Do none of you apologists for the boy not see how the girl is slowly but surely being socialised into accepting unwanted touching? Does that not concern you? Do you not see where that can so easily end up?

No, I'm seeing a thread where a load of adults want violence inflicted on a 5 yr old boy.

This is neither child's fault, it's the school's job to manage it.

Original poster
Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 18:20

I can't go in late I start work before dawn I would be missing hours of work nice idea tho would love a lie in I'm up at 3am every work day

OP posts:
longwayoff · 24/10/2018 18:22

If violence is the solution OP why don't you go to the school and slap the teacher? That might be effective.

Capretta · 24/10/2018 18:22

It might not be creepy, but when you're 5 and a boy keeps stroking you and touching you... Yes, it must feel creepy and violating! What happened to boundaries? She needs to shout "Stop touching me" EVERY time. You need to go in and demand the teacher move him, or tell your daughter to sit somewhere else.

Cubtrouble · 24/10/2018 18:24

There are some people on here with REAL issues.

Seriously people take a look at yourselves.

RiverTam · 24/10/2018 18:25

stressed I see, but I do also think that you have to go in and speak to the school. It’s very serious. Before or after, or make an appointment to see the headteacher. The fact that you haven’t been in may actually suggest it’s not that serious. I appreciate that may well be a bugger to arrange but it must happen, for your DD’s sake.

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 18:26

Yes he needs to learn, and OP yes I'd go in as it's not fair on your DD and ask them to intervene much better.

But this isn't wildly unusual behaviour from 5 year olds, be it girls or boys. They are touchy and they might not have a good idea of boundaries. Which they obviously need to learn.

Capretta · 24/10/2018 18:27

This is neither child's fault

It's the fault of both the boy who can't respect other people's boundaries, and the teacher's for letting it happen continually.

How people are saying "He's 5, it's not creepy," is beyond me! At what age does it start to be creepy? It's not primary school-aged children don't sexually abuse/assault one-another is it?

If the child has sensory issues, he's probably going to be taken as creepy a lot when he is older if he keeps touching people univited! For his own sake, it needs to stop, he can't be touching other kids like that.

Worriedmummybekind · 24/10/2018 18:28

Posters- This boy is 5. He is a child. There is a reason we have an age of criminal responsibility! Even if he is 100% doing it on purpose to annoy her and has no special needs, it makes him socially immature (‘naughty’ even) and needing education. It doesn’t make him a sexual predator. This is the teacher’s problem. He should be on the front row, closely monitored and they should be taking he OPs DD seriously. The teacher needs to be told in no uncertain terms how much this is impacting OP’s DD. Sometimes, complaining can even help the teacher, if the teacher feels the child needs more TA support and isn’t getting it from SMT (although that was back in the good old days when support staff weren’t cut to the bone...I’m sure that’s playing a part here).

Well done OP for taking steps to get this sorted with the school.

Alpacanorange · 24/10/2018 18:32

The teacher needs to have the boy sat next to her or another adult at all times for a while to monitor the situation. Moving him will only inflict his behaviors on someone else. The teacher is clearly ineffective, go the head immediately.

I don’t condone violence however sadly as a child and an adult I’ve been subjected to the sickening feeling of being touched when I didn’t want it. I don’t care for reasons, if the teacher won’t act, I would tell my dd to smack him. I’m sorry but I would. He needs to learn boundaries.

chocolatebox1 · 24/10/2018 18:33

When I was bullied by a boy at school, I was scared of him and didn't do anything. He was a real twat and used to smack my head into a wall and things like that. When I told my parents, my dad said "go and give him what for." So I did, I beat the crap out of him. My dad was really proud of me. The lifelong lesson for me was to stick up for myself, but I don't hit people now! Whilst it was good advice at the time, it stopped the problem and none of the other kids gave me hassle after that, but that was in the 80s and I dread to think what would happen if someone did that now. I think my advice to a child now would be to stick up for themselves, but verbally and in a way which puts the other kid in their place and makes them look like they're being pathetic and there's something wrong with them if they behave like that. If you think it's a continuing issue, make sure to take photos of any injuries or signs of having been hit, in case you need to produce evidence to deal with it yourself.

Cheeeeislifenow · 24/10/2018 18:36

This could be my ds3. He has autism and is very tactile. The teacher thankfully manages his. Sensory needs and he was be kindly diverted from another student... But seriously get a fucking grip some of you.
He is not a predator,he is not a deviant it is not creepy.
It is a little boy seeking comfort and reassurance and Trying to regulate himself.
Op, that is not fair on your daughter. Have you stressed to teacher how much it upsets her? If you have and still nothing is done you need to meet with the head.. not get her to slap him? How is that acceptable? Take the proper steps and stop teaching your child that violence is the answer.
This thread has really upset me. How can some of you think that it's okay to be bend a boys fingers back? It's really dsgusting.
And no, ops daughter should not acceptthe touching if she is uncomfortable but the adults need to handle it in an adult appropriate way.

Original poster
Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 18:38

I have spoken to the teachers a few times I am taking this seriously I just haven't made a appointment to see them they know about the issue and I didn't realize that it would take me a official appointment to take it seriously she is my only child and I have never been it these situations before so I'm on uncharted territory

OP posts:
Maldives2006 · 24/10/2018 18:39

As said numerous times it could easily be sensory because of various unspecified causes. As we are now in an era of inclusion it is not out of the bounds of possibility.

I completely agree that if it is making the ops child uncomfortable the.

Of course the teacher needs to be informed and the child needs to be taught alternative strategies and this could be easily solved.

Some of the attitudes on here are quite frankly shocking and everyone could do with remembering that these cute babies with disabilities grow up to be school age children (We can make a reasonable judgement that this child does have sensory issues due to the description of stroking).

For some adults with learning disibilities this is a behaviour too and very difficult to stop but because we no longer have institutions or special schools. Our children are going to come into contact with far more children with Special needs.

Bigotbut · 24/10/2018 18:43

No-one is saying it shouldn't be dealt with. But if anyone spent any time in a school they would know teachers are always having to remind children not to play with each others hair. And it is in my experience - usually girls when you get past about 8 or 9 but when they are wee - boys and girls do it. And it may be sensory issues but often as not it is affection/ boredom. For a poster to suggest it is not NT behaviour is incorrect. Have half the people on mumsnet actually met a child that isn't their own?

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 18:48

I agree it's really not that unusual for a five year old to be overly tactile.

It sounds like it should be able to be resolved without this unpleasantness.

BlancheM · 24/10/2018 18:52

I'd be really mad that the teacher has been witnessing this boy pawing at your DD for months and has done nothing about it.
It might not be the boys' fault. It definitely isn't your DD's fault but you would expect an adult to put a stop to something which causes distress to a child.
Doesn't matter that the boy isn't a pervert, doesn't matter that the intent isn't sexual. It's harmful to OP's DD. I wouldn't suggest violence but shouting- very loudly- yes. It's never too young to teach girls that they do not have to be polite to males who make them feel uncomfortable, whatever the circumstances.

Original poster
Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 18:53

Piggy it's been going on every day since they were in school give or take a week and he has been told to stop multiple times a day how is this usual behavior

OP posts:
abacucat · 24/10/2018 18:54

Bending a boys fingers back or punching him is not okay. But of adults refuse to do anything, then sometimes a quick hit does get the message across. I know many parents are horrified at this idea, but I was bullied by two girls for a year and I think it was because I refused to hit back.

FailingAt40 · 24/10/2018 18:54

@Stressedoutmamma no I'm not the horrible one here lady. You are the abusive adult wanting to have a little boy attacked ffs!!

Not one thing I said is abusive or encouraging violence. You and several others on this thread have a horrible attitude towards other children who may have special needs.

Your daughter can move away and should be encouraged by you to do so. If the teacher even tries to punish her then that's probably a good thing as you can get involved and it'll bring the whole situation to a head where the school have to put measures in place.

The teacher is 100% to blame here not the boy.

Dutch1e · 24/10/2018 18:56

I probably wouldn't encourage hitting but I would definitely practice with her how to shove and loudly say "stop touching me!"

No matter what developmental issues this little boy has, none of them are your daughter's problem or responsibility. She doesn't need to hurt him, only return the discomfort he gave her. It's a natural consequence surely?

And dismissing the boy's actions as perhaps due to special needs is pretty insulting to parents who work hard with their hypertactile kids to understand personal boundaries

RomanyRoots · 24/10/2018 18:56

Do none of you apologists for the boy not see how the girl is slowly but surely being socialised into accepting unwanted touching? Does that not concern you? Do you not see where that can so easily end up?

I have rtft and not seen any apologists, many have advised against violence and I'm sure most have said continue dialogue with school, asking what school are doing to protect the dd.

I'm pretty sure between the ages of 5 and 18 /leaving school, a lot of PHSE will educate about unwanted touching, parents play a role too, so I wouldn't be concerned about my ability to educate my dc about this, no.
Maybe you aren't capable but don't worry, school will do it for you. No need to be hysterical.

PiggyPoos · 24/10/2018 18:57

He's five. It's more the teachers fault for letting it carry on.

I've had instances of this from mine. DS has a phase of grabbing people's faces and he only did it with his friends. I worked with the teacher and we got him out of it.

He's not some tiny sex pest.

I wholeheartedly agree your DD should be listened to and helped at school and in your situ yes I'd be annoyed and go in.

Have they been telling the boys parents so they can be involved in managing it?

Original poster
Stressedoutmamma · 24/10/2018 18:57

BlancheM unfortunately the normal teacher is off for at least a month so can't say anything to her I know it's not sexual or anything like that. Dd does stay stop and tells the teachers and I get she does it loud as she's not quiet and it doesn't work I'll try and get an appointment after half term I'm just frustrated now and want it to stop

OP posts:
abacucat · 24/10/2018 18:59

Which is why I think hitting is the only way to go now.