Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

[Stressedoutmamma]

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

Some of the responses on this thread are unbelievable! Nobody should be put in a position they feel uncomfortable in. This boy is touching her everyday, she doesn't want to be touched, she is been ignored when she tells people she doesn't want to be touched.

Op you need to listen to your daughter and go in school tomorrow and if she is sat next to the child pull her out they are failing to safeguard your DD emotional well-being and don't allow her to return till he is moved away from her.

I'm sure this boy has SN and doesn't mean to cause her any distress but he is and she has been telling people for 2 months

We see so many threads on here from weak women I wonder how they became do weak?!

I was touched a few months ago by a man should I have just accepted it because he had MH issues?

Ionacat I don't know how to tag this is helpful thank you. I don't want her to hit him it's just hard to feel listen to and I felt like it was the only option and I stand by my abuse comment not bu my daughter but people are told to put up and shut up and this is how it happens

I agree stressed

As I said in my first post that ideal senario of no sn, no abusive back ground , an age where they will fully understand, and no event or issue that would ever delay it will likely ever happen. And your dd will be highly stressed putting up witg it while you wait for it to happen. And if there is such a thing as this perfect time to raise it you can be sure it's been going on far to long at that point any way.

Your dd needs to know you have her back! Her feelings and rights matter

I would email the teacher. State that your dd is distressed and ask for the issue to be addressed as a matter of urgency. Continue that you want to advise your dd to move spots when it happens under but you know she will be told off. Ask therefore if it would be possible to split them up.

No point going in all guns blazing. The teacher will shut down. If she doesn’t address this from your email by the beginning of next week, I would take it to the ks1 head.

We don’t know why the boy is doing this, odds on its sensory but that’s not for you to deal with. Personally I don’t think he’s being mean and telling your dd this isn’t going to solve the situation. I also don’t this this is comparable to the boy posieperkins describes.

Also speak to the teacher again ( by phone if you are at work) and ask for the boy to be moved away from your daughter . Yes he’s 5 ,yes he may have special needs etc etc BUT he is in a mainstream school and the other children should not be taught to acceptable unacceptable behaviour . If his issues are so serious then perhaps he is in the wrong setting .

I’m quite angry on your behalf tbh . Your poor little girl having to put up with this crap for 2 months . It’s not good enough.
My son and his best friend have a boy in their class who can be quite aggressive in the playground ( he’s ok in class) . 4 days out of 5 he causes trouble and then cries to the teacher when the boys exclude him . What happened ? Why don’t you let play with you?
They are told to include him in their games . Eh no ! My child has the sense to not be friendly to someone who can’t afford him the same curtesy. The teacher has been told that my child will not be playing with said child and should not be punished if he does exclude him . Wee shit!

It sounds like a sensory issue. Is the boy autistic?
He's 5 yo & i presume in his first year of reception class. yabvu telling your daughter to hit him. Tell the teacher to keep them separated. But don't encourage hitting & violence its not the answer not with children that young.

I think the teacher needs to move the boy away...your dd has done nothing wrong so she should stay where she is. I would email and stress that your dd is finding this distressing and despite you having a few conversations with the teacher, nothing has changed. That way you now have it in writing that there is a problem. Good luck op.

Red - the OP didn't say he had special needs. I think it's fairly likely though as this isn't NT behaviour on the whole.

Whether he does or not, it's not acceptable and she shouldn't have to put up with it.

It does though mean that punching him in the nose or bending his fingers back as some people have advised is inappropriate. The school need to deal with this.

I would have a face-to-face meeting with the teacher if possible, this may need to be arranged in advance though. If your mum goes in tomorrow she may not be able to see the teacher as they will be in class or preparing for it so she may have to speak to another senior member of staff instead.

Both kids are being failed here, your DD for having unwanted attention and the boy because he needs help to understand the social boundaries. At 5 it shouldn't be up to the kids to sort this out.

I would however like to hear the teachers POV of what she thinks is happening in class because I cannot understand why she would let this happen if you had already raised this issue with her. Did she say what steps she would take to stop it happening when you spoke to her? What was her response @Stressedoutmamma?

When my son was at school and was constantly being kicked by another boy I told him he was to make sure he was always a meter away from the boy. That is a better solution than encouraging violence.

Tbo my entire year has been horrid and I'm not up myself for a mentally exhausting argument with the school she will be in for the next 6 1/2 years I don't want to been seen as difficult and start a fight that would make my dd the problem parent child. I'm very go with the flow but this has really angered me as they won't take no seriously as I've said I'll get my mum to speak tomorrow and I'll arrange a meeting when we get back after half term. I don't want her to hit anyone but I felt it was the only thing to say. She's really not the type to over exaggeratethings like this so I know it's a real issue for her and the teachers do know about it but brushed it off

I would however like to hear the teachers POV of what she thinks is happening in class because I cannot understand why she would let this happen if you had already raised this issue with her

Because with 30 maybe nore kids in a class well behaved quiet compliant girls often get put into these situations where they are responsible for the behaviour of the other kids.

"Hitting may be the answer"

And it may not be the answer. It certainly wouldn't have worked with my sensory seeking disabled child.
The school need to made to manage this properly and you need to be on their case till they do.

She is not allowed to get up from her spot or she's on the sad face and she doesn't want that

I'm pretty sure hitting him will put her on the sad face too, but yeah, ok, if she is worried about getting in trouble telling her to move herself isn't an option. Have you told the teacher that you do not want her sitting there? I know you've been in but that clearly hasn't worked (which is odd when there is such an obvious solution) If it is sensory there are things the school can try, like fiddle toys, sitting the TA with them, sensory cushions etc, although they may well already be trying these and have just not told you as he isn't your child. There may be a reason the boy can't be moved (for example he needs to be at the front, or near the loos, or able to get out quickly) So I would go in tomorrow morning and tell the teacher your DD cannot concentrate with the boy touching her and should not be being made to put up with unwanted physical contact and that they need to move her immediately, if when you pick her up she hasn't been moved ask the teacher why and tell them you would like to talk to the headteacher/whoever your school's policy says to go to next.

If your school lets you in the classroom in the mornings I would actually ask the teacher to show you/your mum where DD's new spot will be - partially coz then DD has seen you stand up for her but also because it means the teacher won't forget to sort a new spot.

The school need to made to manage this properly and you need to be on their case till they do

This. It’s not about the boy being naughty or bad or creepy (!) but the fact that your DD is not happy and absolutely should not have to put up with unwanted touching. And the boy needs help to deal with any sensory needs.

Maybe OP could help out on school a bit. Lots of girls and boys do this in class at different times especially storytime etc. Its not creepy. If anyone looked uncomfortable - or were being disruptive - i would move the wee one closer to me and find them something to fiddle with and remind them Your daughter's wish to not he touched should absolutely respected and if the teacher can't manage that - you need to go higher. But the child is 5 and this is perfectly normal. To think it's creepy is in itself - very creepy.

@ShawshansRedemption it was was are aware of the issue and he is being told to stop and will be moved of nessaserry and my daughter has said this has not happened she has said teacher says boy stop touching dd and that's it her exact words 'he stops and starts again and I don't like and in the afternoon he does it again and I hate that' that is truly heart breaking

@Menolly spot wise they are back row furthest away from the toilets so to get out he would need to go through everyone so not the reason tho good idea

@posie well done to your DD and you. She has shown immense intelligence for a 9 year old and you did absolutely right in going ahead and reporting it to the school.

I would tell my boys to shout stop and push the child away every single time. But at the same time I would be very firm with the school about them dealing with this. My ds1 would never cope with being touched in this way, it would ruin school for him completely.

Do none of you apologists for the boy not see how the girl is slowly but surely being socialised into accepting unwanted touching? Does that not concern you? Do you not see where that can so easily end up?

The boy's personal issues are no one's business but there is no reason at all why other young children should have to put up with them.

If he were a hitter, should another child just put up with being hit 'because he can't help it' or 'doesn't mean it' or any other excuses you lot can come up with.

Sure, feel sorry for the child, but not at the expense of your own child.

That boy is going to have to learn not to touch when told not to; is there a reason why the girl is going to have to learn to accept being touched whether she likes it or not? I'd like to hear it, do tell.

@posieperkinandpootle
Your daughter sounds brilliant. Well done.

I agree your DD need to starts saying very loudly do not do that to me, stop touching me. And her teacher need to back her up. The boy sounds like he need help from a teachers to understand why he’s being let down too.

@Stressedoutmamma well that makes no sense, unless there is some other reason he needs to be there. I'm a reception TA, a child that fiddles a lot, with things or other children, will usually either be near me or by the teacher where we can keep an eye on them easily. Not the point though as I assume there is no reason your daughter needs to be there so the teacher still needs to move one of them.

Oth children are being failed by the school here.

I’m afraid after two months I would go in all guns blazing and if you can, you need to take some time off or go into work late so that this can be sorted.

Hitting isn’t the answer but she needs to get to her feet and say loudly ‘don’t touch me, I keep telling you’ and then refuse to sit next to him. Which I appreciate she may not want to do.

But you eee to take this up to the head if necessary.

get her to say in a rasised voice stop touching me if the teacher wont seperate them. At age 5 they know what makes them uncomfortable, and taking age out of the equation it is her own right to defend her personal space. The boy may have sensory issues or is genuinely a touchy feely person but it doesn't excuse it.

For those saying violence is never the solution, if this was happening to a timid teen/adult or even yourself would you really still be in the no violence camp? I remember some weirdo touching me on a packed tube, I gave a once raised voice warning, he did it again so I stamped his foot with my stiletto heel and shouted if he didn't remove his hand from my arse/thigh I'd shove his balls so far up his arse he'd be having them for breakfast. He stopped touching me.