Aibu to tell my daughter to hit a child a school for touching her

[Stressedoutmamma]

My daughter is in reception 5 and is having issues with a boy in her class they have a carpet with pictures on it and they all have a spot the boy next to her is continually touching her, stroking her hair, face and her arms and legs and she has asked him to stop and I have been in and spoken to them about it and it's still happening almost 2 months later. The school don't seem to be doing much about they have spoken to him on several occasions and it hasn't stopped. Aibu to tell her to tell the teacher and if nothing is still done hit him? I Know it's trivial to some but this child is invading her personal space multiple times a day and of this were to happen to an adult I'm sure heads would roll.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I think this is a awful statement you are being hysterical not 1 person on this thread wants your daughter to be uncomfortable and unhappy with this little boy touching her

They do however want her told "he's just being nice"

They think she's lying . They think she is silly for not moving. She has issue a cos she doesn't want to be touched and it will help her stop being raised to be scared to death of anyone being near her.

So yes. All the kind of bull shit messages that are given by adults to children that stop them speaking up.

[longwayoff]

Is this the future? Bloody hell.

[Oswin]

Mrs Jay look T soontobes post. A teacher who implies the girl is lying then says the dd must have something wrong with her not wanting to be touched.
If this is a teachers response to girl being touched daily then yes the op is right. This attitude is at the core of why girls in primary who have been assaulted are ignored.
Its an attitude that is rife.

[Heartland3]

Well at the risk of being strung up....if this exact situation were to be in an adult work setting this would not be tolerated. I understand they are only children but they need to understand socially acceptable behaviour as soon as possible. With no understanding of the boys background it's difficult to have an opinion. Although as a mother to only sons and if this were one of them, after three months and countless opportunities to stop it...a short, sharp shock would not be a surprise.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Hi op I'm wondering if you are in the south west as I've been complaining about v similar with dd2 school though she is in year 1. Dd2 has been v clear the boy bothering her is also bothering another little girl during carpet time.

With my daughter I found what got through to the teacher was me saying 'I am asking dd2 every day after school if xxx has hurt her today??' The first time nothing changed but I went in school and complained very bluntly. This time the boy was moved away and dd2 is a lot happier. The mother of the boy is actively avoiding me. The boy already has a behavioural plan so assume has extra needs.

[gamerchick]

He as also given a cat toy to stroke

This is the most obvious solution. Any child I encounter with these sensory issues gets something to stroke. My son claimed one of his sister's tops with those metal circles that make a picture when stroked upwards.

Thank god there's someone else who can't believe the ridiculous responses to this.
People are unhinged

Meh I'm sure the OP will feel vindicated when it comes to party invites. Give her the good feels n all that

[Stressedoutmamma]

my daughter isn't a liar the teacher knows there is a issue and I have spoken to her before. And why would a 5 year old tell me a a lie about somthing like this And if he had sensory issues that is another story I truly don't care if you are 'special needs' as everyone is different. Should that meanay daughter happiness come after there's no everyone's well being matters she is a happy bubbly talkative child who is being made unhappy because a child is touching her when she doesn't want it so the touching should stop end of story btw dogs are allowed on playground to pick up children and he is never on the floor always in my hands anyway the children and teachers love him
NO IS NO at the end of the day

[YouCanCallMeJodieWho]

I have a teenager with autism and sensory issues. I've found this thread really saddening. My son was not diagnosed when he started school. I managed to tell the TA that he needed to stroke someone's arm when he got upset. She was brilliant and encouraged him to stroke her arm.

He had no control over this. He wasn't being nice or nasty. He wasn't being a creep, a pervert or aggressive. He was just being himself. No doubt he did at some point touch somebody who didn't want it. And no doubt somebody hurt him because of it.

OP, the school is not taking your daughter's needs seriously. They should make sure that he is not allowed to sit next to her, and they should be helping him manage his sensory issues. But they can't necessarily make them go away. And please do not link this with any form of sexual violence or sexual behaviour. Nothing you have said gives any indication of that. He is five. You have said he has issues. You need to email to the teacher explaining that it unacceptable. You can't threaten violence against a small child because you don't have time to talk to the teacher in the morning! Email, and do not accept no for an answer.

While I absolutely agree that your daughter should not have to put up with something that distresses her, you could also help her by explaining that he doesn't mean to upset her. Explain to her that not everybody understands the world in the same way. Don't tell her she has to put up with it but help her understand why it might be happening.

Violence is never the answer.

[itswinetime]

stand up and move away immediately and say in a loud voice "stop touching me"

She should NOT be asked to tolerate being touched when she doesn't want to

^^I came one to say this. I would talk to the teacher explain that you are concerned and dd is upset and uncomfortable unless they have another soloution your will be instructing dd to do the above and that you do not expect her to be punished for enforcing her boundaries. Keeping going in emailing escalating till someone takes it seriously show dd by example how we should deal with problems.

[Chocolaterainbows]

Soontobe

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread but yours is by far the worst.

If a child is uncomfortable being touched on a regular basis then the teacher needs to move the boy, not the girl. She has done nothing wrong. And I don't care whether or not the boy has sensory issues. It's not his fault, but it sure as hell isn't hers either.

[OrchidInTheSun]

Giles - I haven't seen a single post saying the OP's DD is lying 

It's not acceptable and the school are minimising and I would be furious at the lack of action. But chances are that the other child has sensory issues rather than is an aggressive sexual predator

Punching the kid or breaking his fingers isn't the way forward. Getting him moved is

[Oswin]

I cannot believe the amount of posters on this thread who have behaved like the dd should just put up with it. That she should accept being touched because he's being friendly. This is how young this shit starts. No the boy may not be able to help it and he may be being friendly. But what message it sends to girls is if someone touches you and you don't like it, it doesn't matter. We won't do anything.

[posieperkinandpootle]

Birdsgottafly I know and from what I can gather there is a lot of liaison between school and his parents - he is constantly at the heart of something, usually has his own desk next to the teachers. The school aren't at liberty to discuss with me what is in place with regards to his behaviour or protection, nor would I want them to. When he had to go to see head about the exposure DD got a "nice job" to do out of the class and the teacher spoke to everyone else very bluntly, along lines of what he did was illegal, not just breaking school rules, breaking law etc. I have raised my concerns before that he is being exposed to things he shouldn't (absolutely no pun intended but I can't think of another word) when in P3 he was using sexual language (suck my dick) and calling the girls in class bitches and other names. Unfortunately he has parents who would probably think this was funny.

[Oswin]

Orchid read the post by soontobe on the previous page.
They implied the dd is lying and that there is something wrong with her for not wanting to be touched daily. Apparently this poster is a teacher.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I agree with those who have said that moving one or the other child is not actually addressing the problem, just moving it on. I'd be saying to the teacher that you've raised it, it's still a problem and hasn't been dealt with, therefore you'll be seeking a meeting with the head teacher.

I absolutely do not believe this boy is going to be an abuser, and yes he's just 5. But I do strongly believe that little girls need to know it's absolutely right to speak up when they're uncomfortable about anything and that they should expect support to no longer feel uncomfortable. She doesn't have a problem, she doesn't want her space invaded. I've always taught both my kids (boy and girl) that no means no, in any situation, whether it's play fighting or tickling - personal boundaries must always be respected. The little boy needs to learn this lesson, from adults and it is not op's dd's job to do that.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

It's not acceptable and the school are minimising and I would be furious at the lack of action. But chances are that the other child has sensory issues rather than is an aggressive sexual predator

None of that matters. It changes how you deal with it. it doesn't change the fact it needs to stop . Now. She's a person..Not a sensory toy.

[Ionacat]

You need to phone and speak to the teacher. Asking your Mum to say something at drop off is not going to work or have any impact. Conversations at drop off need to be limited to a quick - so and so is worried about x and y or something similar. The teacher’s attention will be on meeting and greeting 30 children and mind will be on the day ahead, not an on-going issue that needs addressing. (And kids prodding each other etc. is generally a common problem, however this is more than that and the teacher needs to be aware of that and that you want this resolved.) Phone and give some good times for the teacher to get hold of you - remembering when they will be teaching, avoid the whole telephone ping pong.
Politely make a fuss, they won’t be able to tell you anything about the boy, but asking them to re-arrange the seating plan so that they are not together would be reasonable (and thus not singling your daughter out.)
Send in a note explaining that you have asked your daughter to keep saying loudly stop touching me until you have had a chance to resolve this on the phone.
If this doesn’t work, then follow the complaints procedure which will be the head.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

The adults need to stop it. The dd doesn't need to put up witg it. Why it's happening is not the dds problem

[MotherofTerriers]

No means no, and your daughter shouldn't have to put up with being touched. Getting your mum to go in is a good idea, I would also follow it up in writing and keep a record.
Point out that your daughter is in an impossible position, if she sits still she is being touched and if she moves from her spot she will be told off. And you won't accept her being taught that she has to put up with unwanted touching.

[chillpizza]

I would tell your DD to stand up and very loudly tell the boy to stop touching her and move away. Every single time I would also ask her every day after school how her day had been with regards to the touching and keep a log to go back to school with.

Children need to learn that it is ok to not want to be touched and that they should not have to suffer in silence. Yes this boy is only 5 but if the DD is taught to suffer in silence what happens when it’s a 15/19/26 year old as she gets older.

[RomanyRoots]

Explain to her that not everybody understands the world in the same way. Don't tell her she has to put up with it but help her understand why it might be happening.

That would be logical and totally reasonable, but you daren't suggest this on here as it appears these children are akin to abusers, and you are victim blaming.

I think todays girls are going to grow up full of fear passed from their parents, it's such a shame that this is an issue at such a young age.

[Worriedmummybekind]

My point is the issue is with how the teacher is handling it. The answer lies with the teacher managing a little boy with sensory needs not suggesting the little girl hits him. It also likely won’t help.

It might be best to move the girl, if he is struggling sitting next to someone, leaving him with a spare seat might be the best solution.
Although I have taught in classes where there literally wasn’t a spare seat, so obviously it depends. Moving the little girl isn’t a punishment. It could be the best solution, or moving him or giving him a toy or more TA support .... these are ALL things the school should be doing. So OP needs to be insistent on the school sorting this problem. It should not be up to a little girl to manage it by herself.

I’m not suggesting it’s okay at all. I’m just trying to be practical. All that will be achieved by hitting, is the girl gets in trouble for hitting. That’s not a good solution.

[RedDrink]

Where did the OP say he had special needs? That sounds like wild speculation and grasping at straws, as if the only reason a boy wouldn't stop is because of that?

Men who commit rape, sexual harassment, and other sexual crimes against women and children use to be children themselves. I wonder how many of them were taught a 'boys will be boys' attitude and weren't taught to respect, females, others boundaries and the word "No.", while growing up.

[AgnesBrownsCat]

Hitting may be the answer , I don’t see why she would get in trouble for defending herself . Tbh the child is probably continuing to touch her because he knows he can . She’d probably only have to do it the once .
And to all the snowflake parents , sometimes violence is the only answer esp if a child is an easy target because they’re too nice to retaliate.