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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? re wedding guests

362 replies

biser · 24/10/2018 12:04

Wedding in country house hotel. Naice but not amazingly so.

How much would you, as a guest, be prepared to pay for a double room inc breakfast before you start to suspect "woah, I'm being ripped off to subsidise their costs".

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 26/10/2018 13:25

I'm in my 40s, and when friends got married in their 20s some had this from their mothers, too. I didn't, but my mum told me it's because her generation had their parents throw their wedding for them, with their input but still paid for and controlled by their parents. And now their own daughters were getting married, they assumed it was their turn to plan a wedding exactly as they thought it should be. But times had changed and it's not done that way now.

Mum was actually quite interesting. She'd had no interest in a wedding other than a registry office herself (and was therefore completely fab over mine, as she had no real investment in how I did it), but she said she thought for a lot of women it was hard, because they never would get to have a day that had a lot of emotional significance, because their mum had planned their own, and she thought that was hard on them and was why they were upsetting their daughters so much and trying to take over.

OP, if that's your position then I do sympathise, sincerely. The reality is that you are in a sandwich generation, and times have changed. Your daughter is not going to be planning her own child's wedding, either, so you have to let her plan hers. It's a cultural shift and you are on the wrong end of it. This isn't that we don't understand how things should be. I'm afraid it's that you don't understand how things now are.

E17Stowmum · 26/10/2018 13:34

Find the nearest Premier Inn or Travelodge then cab it. Perfectly clean and adequate as it's only somewhere to get changed and sleep. For various reasons there may be people you do not want to face at breakfast the next day. These places also don't kick you out till noon so zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Original poster
biser · 26/10/2018 14:25

I'm afraid it's that you don't understand how things now are.
Sounds like you may be right.Smile Maybe I'll retire gracefully and watch from the wings. I have realised from this thread that when it comes to wedding planning "you can't please all of the people all of the time" and you can't do right for doing wrong.

It may be how things are now but I'm not sure it's for the best. It's this idea that B&G surround themselves with yes-men and get everything their own way that causes bridezillas.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 26/10/2018 14:48

Gosh you sound bitter OP.Sad If you wish to have a relationship after this wedding, let it go.

Original poster
biser · 26/10/2018 15:28

Not bitter. Just suddenly realising that this is a no-win situation!Shock

OP posts:
SEsofty · 26/10/2018 15:35

Sorry but of course the bride and groom get everything their own way. It’s their wedding. If they wanted to get married in a barn dressed as scarecrows then they can it’s their wedding.

The one time that you really can do whatever you want is your wedding

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2018 16:21

What are you trying to win? That's such an odd attitude.

You've gathered useful information and passed it on. You've recognised that your assumption about country hotels bieng cheaper at weekends was ill-founded, so have stopped arguing about that with your daughter. You continue to support the happy couple in organising the day they want. Win-win-win.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/10/2018 16:27

And you've all recognised that it's best for them to be advised by people who organise weddings and know how things work. Win no. 4!

They'll still have plenty of choices to make and will no doubt seek your thoughts when helpful.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 26/10/2018 16:45

Just wondering why you would automatically assume that your room rate would be used to subsidise the cost of the wedding?

perfectstorm · 26/10/2018 17:49

OP, if you've raised her well, as I'm sure you have, then she'll have enough about her not to become a bridezilla, won't she? I think the women who do that tend to be a bit vulnerable on the one hand, or spoilt on the other. Most seem to be perfectly sensible about their weddings and just plan a lovely day for their friends and family to enjoy with them, as I'm sure yours will.

MadCow999 · 27/10/2018 11:19

Wouldn’t pay much more than their normal weekday rate. If they won’t disclose a weekend price you’d expect a discount for all rooms being sold to wedding guests anyway. If it was much more I’d be checking out nearby hotels and factoring in the taxi cost

Devora13 · 04/11/2018 21:17

So here's the thing. I wouldn't want to exclude anyone, regardless of their financial situation. When we got married, we put up as many people as possible who had a distance to travel, with friends and family offering up spare rooms plus we provided a list of local accommodation at various prices. The only thing we expected guests to contribute to was drinks at the reception (though we did a trip over to France and brought back a load of wine and champagne for our guests too). I don't really get the thing about staying at the wedding hotel. Don't the bride and groom want a bit of privacy? I'd understand more if it was a family reunion or something...

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