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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? re wedding guests

362 replies

biser · 24/10/2018 12:04

Wedding in country house hotel. Naice but not amazingly so.

How much would you, as a guest, be prepared to pay for a double room inc breakfast before you start to suspect "woah, I'm being ripped off to subsidise their costs".

OP posts:
Original poster
biser · 25/10/2018 22:22

Why not talk to the B&G about what they want, how they want things to work on the day and whether they want you to act as 'hosts' in any way? Then do that. Why is that so hard?

I'm either not explaining myself or there are some very prickly people on here. The plan was for B&G to design their ideal wedding and it was our job, on the day, to make sure it happened. This means that B&G can enjoy themselves and not worry about logistics.
Did you think we were going to twist their arms into doing stuff they didn't want?Confused

OP posts:
MsJudgemental · 25/10/2018 22:24

Stayed at a nice country house spa hotel last weekend (oldest Marriott in the world, indoor pool, sauna, steam room, gym, beautiful grounds with lakes and golf courses, good restaurant) and paid under 150 per night including breakfast for two. There was a wedding there at the same time but no idea what they were charged.

jessebuni · 25/10/2018 22:31

For a wedding? Personally I would not pay for a room of a wedding of a really close friend or close family member. We don’t have much money to throw about and if it was for close family or friends the most I would pay is £100.

The fact that wedding guests are being charged extra says to me that they’re paying for food possibly even the reception food which really is normally covered by the B+G and I would find it cheeky if I was being asked for more and probably just refuse on principle. However for the most I’d pay for a room in a country house for a wedding of someone I was close to would probably only be £100. If I couldn’t do that I’d find the next nearest hotel b&b etc or just not go.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/10/2018 22:34

@biser that is the job of the wedding planner who is employed by the venue.

What you are describing really isn't how any wedding that I have been to resently has been. It's quite an old fashioned way if doing it these days.

perfectstorm · 25/10/2018 22:39

Did you think we were going to twist their arms into doing stuff they didn't want?

It happens quite a lot, yes. Very glad that you agree it's awful, but it's very common for parents to plan the day they want instead of that their kids do. These days the paying is mostly done by bride and groom so there's less willingness to go along with that.

HappilyHarridan · 25/10/2018 22:42

It’s incredibly old fashioned for the brides parents to ‘host’. Your daughter is an adult, if you want to give her financial help with her wedding then write her a cheque and ask if there’s anything else you can do to help if you feel inclined. But don’t send the invites out in your name and don’t feel responsible for the choices they make, it’s their wedding, not yours.

barkisworsethanmybite · 25/10/2018 22:42

I’m shocked the bride doesn’t want to plan the day tbh...As for logistics, the venue sorts that. The little details are the brides (usually) choice and make planning the wedding special. I’m surprised anyone would want to delegate that....to either their own parents or in laws.

It sounds a bit like you want to take the day as your own and play host when it’s actually their day not yours. You’ve had yours!

Saying that, maybe they are lazy and want others to run around to them and pay for it all so they can just turn up on the day?

Either way, very odd!

perfectstorm · 25/10/2018 22:44

Agreed that you need to select a good venue and then use the planning service they provide. They'll have the contacts and also make for a more contemporary day. It's a bit like trying to decorate someone else's house for them when there's an interior decorator already involved. No personal investment and a fresh approach will be less stressful and end up more to the person's own taste.

There is a good reason why the parents are the hosts. It means that they are the ones running around behind the scenes making sure the day goes according to plan. B&G are guests of honour and have nothing to do except enjoy their day.

As has been said, a wedding venue has a paid bod to do this. Your job is to enjoy being one of the guests of honour and admire your gorgeous children.

You really aren't the hosts at a modern wedding. It doesn't matter what the invitations say; unless the wedding is literally in your home, then the bride and groom host their wedding and nobody else.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/10/2018 22:45

You're right, you're not explaining yourself clearly. It's befuddling.

You're guests. No, you're the hosts because you think that's traditional. It sort of is your wedding. No, you've only offered to help on the day. But 'We thought we were doing them a favour! Perhaps we'll withdraw the offer and put our feet up and enjoy the day like any other guest.' So now you're a guest again.

All of which is about your assumptions and preferences. None of which tells us what part the B&G want you to play, or suggests you've actually asked them. But you have, because 'it's the plan' - their plan, right? Great!

Anyway, I've offered good advice upthread on the actual issue and believe it can easily be solved, with a sensible assessment of the local accommodation market and perhaps a little bit of subsidy (e.g. better to pay £15 towards each of 20 rooms - less than covering the cost of three empty rooms - if that's what it takes to make staying at the venue attractive and possible for enough guests to fill it).

puzzledlady · 25/10/2018 22:48

180-220 i would say.

Tippexy · 25/10/2018 22:50

It sounds like you have absolutely no idea how hotel bookings and wedding venues operate.

I am actually astonished at how you think you’ve got it all worked out!

You think the hotel charge the couple £1k less in order to recoup it through the hotel rooms?

That is so not how it works!

Tippexy · 25/10/2018 22:59

I’ve read the whole thread now.

You have GOT to be kidding.

Entitled? Overbearing? Passive aggressive?

This OP has it all! Shock

Threeminis · 25/10/2018 23:26

Op, I just don't get it..

They will not be getting a 7k 'better' wedding but paying 6.

When we got married I wanted exclusive use.. we paid more to the venue for that to happen. The agreement was that we must book a minimum of 10 rooms.
The rooms were similarly priced to yours.

We also put on minibuses for those who wanted to go to the nearest premier inn etc. (No charge to guests except maybe a wee tip for the driver)

My parents were not the hosts. Neither of them had any idea what was happening and when, as a pp has already mentioned the hotel will have someone to do this. Enjoy the day, your beautiful DD is getting married!

It feels as though you are looking far too much into this - that money for B&B is fine, I honestly don't think people would question it.

GreenTulips · 25/10/2018 23:28

Does anyone remember the thread where the B&G hired a castle and then 'sold' the rooms to the guests and as each guest dropped out because of the ££££ being charged they regigged the room rate accordingly?

So a 10k wedding was charged back to the guests?

I think OP does have an opinion because any additional unseen extras will reflect badly on her daughter and nobody wants that

pollymere · 25/10/2018 23:40

I wouldn't pay more than £100 a night. So many deals at lovely hotels with swimming pools and dinner as well for under that.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 26/10/2018 07:28

Seems normal rates to me. Im surprised they say they drop prices at weekends, everywhere around here is much more expensive.

Its lovely you are helping so much and offer your opinion if they ask but contributing however much does not give you a say in everything. My parents offered money, nowhere close to yours, but they also suggested it give them a say. Their money was quickly returned as i can't abide being controlled like that.

QueenOfMyWorld · 26/10/2018 07:46

I'm paying 119 for bed and breakfast,it's a small wedding though and we really want to stay due to b&g being close friends and so we don't have to worry about taxis.In normal situations id probably try and find something cheaper.

Mummaloves · 26/10/2018 09:17

I work selling hotel rooms in this kind of setting. The golden question ! How much is a double room ?? Well it depends on the day of the week, time of the year, occupancy already - so whether they are almost full in which case they will ramp up prices ! Usually the bride and groom would have agreed a wedding rate for their guests so that everyone pays the same and doesn’t get caught out by price rises. On a Saturday in summer expect to pay £125.00 a night, other days/winter around £80-£100

Original poster
biser · 26/10/2018 10:29

"does not give you a say in everything."

For crying out loud. Does nobody read threads any more?

We were worried about one thing, a hotel's charging policy.
Worried about the effect on B&G, whether it would make them look like CFs.
So I asked the hivemind how they would see it.
And for that I have been called interfering, entitled, overbearing, controlling, ...

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 26/10/2018 10:48

Country house hotels are usually more expensive at weekends, city hotels may be less. YABU OP.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 26/10/2018 11:47

It makes no difference, you have no say. If they are happy then it's their choice.

You may want to consider that one person's worry and concern can lead others, including perhaps those they are concerned for, to view them as over bearing and interfering.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 26/10/2018 11:50

I wouldn't go much higher than their their week rate. And probably not more than £150, or would stay in a cheaper hotel nearby. You certainly don't want your guests to feel like they are subsidising your wedding costs...

perfectstorm · 26/10/2018 12:55

OP, you initially posted because you are having a disagreement with your daughter about plans for her wedding. That's the initial post. When pointed out that it's not your wedding, it's hers, you've argued that you are the hosts and she is the guest of honour so yes it is your wedding. You've then tried to shift the goal posts by saying that this is some sort of noble effort on your part to control her day so she can sit back and relax.... but the bottom line remains: it's her day. She should get to plan it as she likes. Butt out.

It's just one day, and your most useful role should be to gently remind her of that when she gets stressed, so she can remember not to sweat the small stuff. Not up the ante by trying to force your own ideas on the situation, especially on trivia such as whether country house hotels add a premium for weekend stays/exclusive use (here's a tip: yes, they all do). Support her choices and stop trying to take over. You wouldn't have posted as you did to begin with if you had your head around the idea that it is not. your. choice. to. make.

blackteaplease · 26/10/2018 13:03

Er what now? It's the best man and chief bridesmaids duty to do the running around on the day. Parents of the bride turn up, shake hands in the line up, sit at the table and thats it.
Why are you taking over? If you were my parent I would decline your cash "gift".

Justmuddlingalong · 26/10/2018 13:13

I agree. Gifts come with bows, not strings.

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