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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? re wedding guests

362 replies

biser · 24/10/2018 12:04

Wedding in country house hotel. Naice but not amazingly so.

How much would you, as a guest, be prepared to pay for a double room inc breakfast before you start to suspect "woah, I'm being ripped off to subsidise their costs".

OP posts:
Worriedmummybekind · 25/10/2018 18:06

I would probably suck up £110 for convienence but if it was close to other places might look elsewhere. Generally aim to spend £70-80 staying at a wedding unless very close family so stay in premier inn or similar. I guess it depends how rich your guests are!

Original poster
biser · 25/10/2018 18:16

Sorry, but that attitude is geriatric. Nobody these days thinks the wedding is the business of the parents.

Does that mean that DH doesn't have to do a father-of-the-bride speech? He will be delighted!Grin
I'm still wearing a silly hat though

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 25/10/2018 18:19

Does that mean that DH doesn't have to do a father-of-the-bride speech? He will be delighted!

I have been to a couple of wedding where they haven't. They did a thank you etc but that was it.

DarlingNikita · 25/10/2018 18:19

Personally I'd look for an Airbnb instead, but that's largely not down to the price, it's more because I prefer having my own space to staying in hotels. Having said that, I don't think the room rate is outrageous but would hope to find an Airbnb cheaper.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 25/10/2018 18:52

Times have changed and it is more confusing now, sadly! I've attended several weddings recently where the money came from several sources: bride's parents; bride's parents shared with bride & groom; bride's parents, groom's parents, bride & groom; bride & groom only. Nothing has changed visibly, ie same speeches (sorry OP's DH), same setup etc. If I had not been more intimately connected I would have known nothing of the finances of the actual event. It is nobody's business, after all. However, in each case the parents paying - mostly close friends so I heard all about it - had the same frustration. Paying but having little to no say in how the money was used. Sadly, it is the way it is. You have to just bite the bullet and suck it up. It is a gift to the bride & groom, not payment for services rendered.

By the way, two of the above weddings the rooms cost us $550 and $525 a night, with 3 night minimum. It almost made me have a heart attack, but I paid up and shut up. And enjoyed every minute, because these are people very close to my heart.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 25/10/2018 18:52

Amused at the idea that considering the convenience of guests who might have to travel a long way is somehow unrealistic. We had a good number having to fly in, as DH and I are not from the same country. So the considerate thing to do was to ensure we did it not too far from the airport. In that scenario, getting married in a big castle up the back end of nowhere would've been a dick move.

In answer to the OP, my limit is about £100ish for double with breakfast. £150 would be making me look elsewhere. £110 for a place that charges £80-90 during the week and is more of a weekend venue is ethically acceptable and I'd be willing to pay it as it's £100-ish. It's not cheeky fuckery. Weekends are more expensive in country piles. Different if it was a place that does a lot of business guests during the week.

That said, yes they should try to negotiate. The bill could be a nasty surprise if there isn't 100% occupancy. And there's always a possibility that might happen.

bubblegumunicorn · 25/10/2018 19:02

He totally doesn’t have to do a farther of the bride speech I made my mum do mine 😂 my stepdad didn’t want to! and my brother walked me down the aisle! That’s how you get married in 2018 me and DH paid for 95% of the wedding too our parents chipped in a little amount mine paid for the band and his put money behind the bar!

Original poster
biser · 25/10/2018 19:21

He totally doesn’t have to do a father of the bride speech I made my mum do mine

No no no no no no noooooo. That is so not happening.

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 25/10/2018 19:24

I agree with perfect storm. It isn't being done in your name and you aren't the hosts. You have offered a generous financial contribution, which is wonderful, but that's it. It's the bride and groom who are considered the hosts these days.

Speeches are not related to being a host. The best man isn't a host.

But to be honest, these days, things are ran according to the b&g wishes, rather than traditions only.

FWIW, £110 is a bargain for a nice hotel, esp if it includes breakfast. My limit is £130. And if I don't want to go, then I decline the invite and wish the couple well. It's that simple.

Cersei1 · 25/10/2018 19:30

We had to pay £250 per night. The b&g wanted us there for 2 nights so £500 before we even started added on outfits etc

Original poster
biser · 25/10/2018 19:52

It isn't being done in your name and you aren't the hosts.
There is a good reason why the parents are the hosts. It means that they are the ones running around behind the scenes making sure the day goes according to plan. B&G are guests of honour and have nothing to do except enjoy their day.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 25/10/2018 19:59

There is a good reason why the parents are the hosts. It means that they are the ones running around behind the scenes making sure the day goes according to plan. B&G are guests of honour and have nothing to do except enjoy their day.

Tbh that is quite an old fashioned take on it these days and not the way modern weddings are.

AlexanderHamilton · 25/10/2018 20:01

I’d be looking at paying roughly £50-80 for a double room unless it was somewhere like London where I’d grit my teeth and pay a bit more. If there was a Premier Inn or Travelodge available cheaper I’d book there.

I’d only stay overnight if it was more than an hour away from home.

TheMonkeyMummy · 25/10/2018 20:02

There is a good reason why the parents are the hosts. It means that they are the ones running around behind the scenes making sure the day goes according to plan. B&G are guests of honour and have nothing to do except enjoy their day.

Not really. Hotels are quite adept at running the weddings. You plan everything with them in advance and they take care of it. It's all part of the wedding package.

It does seem like you would like to be the hosts and have some say though.

SillySallySingsSongs · 25/10/2018 20:03

I’d be looking at paying roughly £50-80 for a double room

You'd struggle to get anywhere for that price including breakfast at a weekend.

AlexanderHamilton · 25/10/2018 20:05

I book hotels for work purposes for contractors both weekdays & weekends & we have regular theatre breaks etc.

That’s around what I usually pay.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/10/2018 20:14

You really need to clarify with the marrying couple whether they regard you as 'hosts' and wish you to perform this role for them. I've only ever heard of that happening when the bride's parents were paying for everything, B&G were quite young and, on the whole, the wedding took place 30+ years ago. It's rare these days.

Making a finincial contribution is a totally different thing.

It is utter madness that you don't know whether you are 'the hosts' or not.

AlexanderHamilton · 25/10/2018 20:14

Taking a random Saturday in March.

Chester Travelodge is £67
York is £90
I’d expect London to be more expensive.

Adnerb95 · 25/10/2018 20:16

Price sounds very reasonable. And for those who reckon the hotel should charge the same or less than their weekday rate for a wedding party, I doubt you have taken into account the fact that wedding guests can be extremely costly to the hotel - both in hassle-factor and the amount of damage done by drunken guests.
It's a balance - weddings can be good money for them but the nice couples having a weekend away to see the local historical sights and go for a country walk are a lot less work!

Troels · 25/10/2018 20:18

So if there is a Father of the bride speech does that mean there is a Mother of the groom speech too?

Original poster
biser · 25/10/2018 20:19

It does seem like you would like to be the hosts and have some say though.
We thought we were doing them a favour! Perhaps we'll withdraw the offer and put our feet up and enjoy the day like any other guest.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 25/10/2018 20:23

Why not talk to the B&G about what they want, how they want things to work on the day and whether they want you to act as 'hosts' in any way? Then do that. Why is that so hard?

TheMonkeyMummy · 25/10/2018 20:38

@biser, if you want to help them out, may I suggest rather than assuming duties, follow their lead. Let them know you are available for whatever they need. Don't retract your offer. If they need you, they will ask, and knowing what supportive parents they have is bigger than any financial contribution, imho. Good luck!

sparkleandsunshine · 25/10/2018 21:07

I am getting married soon at a nice country house hotel, the special rate for my guests was £145 for room and breakfast for 2, the normal rate ranged from £170-205 depending on time of year and availability. I would not be offended if people didn’t want to pay £145 and provided my guests with info of both the hotel plus a nearby travelodge

Singlenotsingle · 25/10/2018 21:15

£100 is about right, inc. breakfast