Who is BU? re wedding guests

[biser]

Wedding in country house hotel. Naice but not amazingly so.

How much would you, as a guest, be prepared to pay for a double room inc breakfast before you start to suspect "woah, I'm being ripped off to subsidise their costs".

Did they ask your opinion?

Um, I can't remember tbh. They have looked at various venue. They tell us about them and we have a conversation about it. Discus the con's and pro's. You know, everyday chit-chat.

Given all you have said I think the best thing you can do is gift the money as offered and let them get on with it.

You have already advised re checking what happens if full occupancy isn't achieved so they should know to do this. By all means clarify that the gift wii be your only contribution if you are worried about outstanding costs afterwards. Then you can sit back and relax.

@DexyMidnight it's not entitled - it's considerate.

Entitled is putting pressure on people to overextend themselves financially.

@iBiscuit where does the alleged 'pressure' come from? We were invited to a close friend's wedding in Brazil last year. We investigated annual leave, price of flights and so on, concluded we couldn't make it and let the couple know we looked forward to catching up and seeing photos on return from their honeymoon.

I also missed my aunt's wedding in Greece as a student. aside from the cost it would have involved a week away (charter flights only, sat-sat) which i couldn't take as i had a fixed term summer job (no annual leave). I sent a card and flowers and haven't spent the intervening 8 years full pf resentment that my aunt and now uncle didn't plan their wedding to suit me.

I can assure you that normal people without chips on their shoulders are perfectly capable declining invitations without feeling 'pressured'.

And you didn't bother answering my question about how DH and i should have organised our wedding, to avoid upsetting folk who share your (absurd) views.

iBiscuit

Have you personally been pressured in to attending a wedding and aren’t that well off, is that why you see it as a huge imposition to be invited to a wedding?

I can assure you that I don't have a chip on my shoulder. But if someone I am close to gets married then of course there's pressure to attend (because I'd want to!).

I could afford to attend most weddings now, but there was a time when having to shell out hundreds would have made it impossible. I'm also someone who would overstretch themselves to do so, because if someone wants me at their wedding then I want to support them by being there. I also wouldn't want to lose face. I wouldn't want to put anyone else in that position.

Unless all your guests are very well off, I think it's unfair basically to have a wedding where the only accommodation available doesn't suit the guests, in terms of cost or indeed comfort.

Have you personally been pressured in to attending a wedding and aren’t that well off, is that why you see it as a huge imposition to be invited to a wedding?

That's out of order.
iBiscuit can I remind you that Shirley has said previously "The additional cost is a piss take but as a premise I don’t see anything wrong with it at all." nuff said.

@iBiscuit - ok i guess i can understand where you are coming from now. Not wishing to go on and on at you, but when you say "Unless all your guests are very well off, I think it's unfair basically to have a wedding where the only accommodation available doesn't suit the guests, in terms of cost or indeed comfort"...I'm not sure that makes sense, with respect.

First of all I don't think OP is in a situation where the only accommodation available won't suit the guests. I think she is concerned that the B & G don't understand the financial consequences of not having a 'full house', and that they are naively assuming everyone will be happy to pay the slightly inflated weekend rates, when that might not be the case.

Secondly I presume you're not really saying that unless ALL the guests are really well off, the B and G should reconsider. That's a bit silly - a wedding invite list typically contains two sides of family, work friends, school friends, uni friends (etc etc etc) and there will almost certainly be people from different backgrounds. You can't seriously be suggesting that the presence of (say) Aunt Lydia and Uncle Alex means a B and G should have their wedding off-peak on a Friday in the city centre near lots of travel lodges and holiday inns, when they really fancied a country manor house on a Saturday, just because Aunt Lydia and Uncle Alex are less well off.

Presumably you mean if someone books a wedding in St Lucia knowing full well that most / all / half of their family and friends can't afford it, that the B and G would be pretty naive Possibly even a little self-absorbed, but i still don't think they're "entitled" unless they start badgering people to attend and throwing a huff when they say they can't.

In any event it would be ridiculous to try and plan a wedding based on what you 'thought' people could afford. Between us DH and I earn £200k and 'own' two properties. But we drive a 15 year old and noisy Peugeot. People decide to spend their money differently. I can afford to go to a spa day at Soho Farm, but if invited I would decline as I would rather have a mini break in Europe.

There's simply no point second guessing what people want to, can or will spend - you should have the wedding you want and can afford, extend invites, and let people manage themselves.

Look, times have changed. These days the bride's parents don't host the wedding and as lots of pp have said the rate is normal.

I think you should advise about the risk of room charges if less than 100% occupancy and then step back. It's really not your place to be making these decisions. You've had your turn at getting married.

I don't think I know OP is interfering she was just asking opinion because shouldn't the B&G book and find most people won't stay over or stay somewhere at less cost then the B&G aren't getting the deal they thought they were. Nobody wants additions ££££ added to their day.

I think OP is thinking practically rather than romantically

£75 as they should do a reduced rate for a bulk of wedding guests.

I wouldn't pay anything, I wouldn't travel more than 3 hours for any occasion. If I can't stay at home and they need/want me there they can pay. I hate this whole culture of people expecting others to shell out all the time and don't start me on people expecting others to travel abroad for a wedding.

You'd expect someone to pay for you to stay Fowles94 Righto

I would NEVER pay to attend a wedding.

This is a new one on me - can someone explain ?

I got married before weddings became such a great big deal so this sort of thing just didn't happen.

Sighs ....

biser I don't understand why it is relevant to the hotel if it is 100% occupancy or not? Round here, the wedding venues charge a flat rate for hire and it is up to you whether or not you fill the rooms.

Also around here, weekends are always higher than weekdays. I don't see a problem with what you have quoted. People aren't paying for the wedding, they are paying for the room that they are choosing to sleep in. They can also choose not to sleep in it and drive home or get a taxi or stay nearby or whatever.

We paid £90 recently for a Premier Inn and breakfast was another £18 on top, so £108 and that was on a week day, it was £15 a night dearer at the weekend.

I don't see that £120 for a night in a fancy hotel after a wedding is that big a deal and I also don't see that the B&G are overcharging for their own gain.

I've only just read far enough to find out that you are the parents of the bride. Really this doesn't seem too much for a room, personally I'd always prefer to stay at the venue. Its far worse if the wedding is at an out of the way venue that has no rooms for guests, then you have to pay for a cab and also an equally expensive room somewhere else.

And what is this about rooms being cheaper at the weekend? That might possibly be true for a commercial hotel with a lot of business people staying there during the week, if it isn't in an area that people like to visit at the weekend. And I suppose it might be true if you book a package break for two nights - as opposed to your one night wedding stay. I doubt that they have weddings on both days at the weekend, so the room will only be let for one night. I can understand why the hotel want a good rate.

At my wedding a room was 110 for guests reduced from 150 a night that was the Raddisson Blu so a 4* hotel and included breakfast! I thought that was reasonable but I appreciated that it was a lot of money so we advertised other local hotels on our invertations to give guests a choice! The B&G shouldn’t be getting any money for you staying there the hotel does!

Approx £170. But I would only stay at the hotel if it worked out for me (cost / convenience). We generally stay somewhere cheaper, locally.

I think you need to back off. It's not your wedding.

Except it sort of is!
Traditionally the bride's parents are the hosts so this is being done in our name.

Sorry, but that attitude is geriatric. Nobody these days thinks the wedding is the business of the parents. In fact to be blunt, most sympathise with brides with interfering parents and in-laws. This is NOT your wedding and you are going to end up causing a lot of ill feeling if you don't accept that and back off. You've had your day. Let them have theirs and butt out.

And no event venue is going to skimp on their offering to save costs, because every single guest attending is a potential reference and future customer. They can't afford to sabotage their business that way. Negotiate away - your daughter, I mean.

Finally, there's a difference between corporate hotels, who have to cut rates at weekends because they have fewer clients then, and leisure ones, who put rates up because people don't tend to have breaks away mid-week. If this is a country house type venue then even if they did have weekend rates I'd expect them to be higher. I think your rate premise is mistaken.

If you don't like the rate just stay somewhere else! Simple really.

Having said that, your generosity with costs is lovely and I hope they're grateful.

You could always just boycott the wedding..