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Original poster

help me feel less angry about his separation proposal

176 replies

hell0kitty · 24/10/2018 10:41

Please can anyone help me be less angry about this?

My husband moved out just over two years ago and is now seeking a 50/50 asset split and offering £5 a week maintenance.

Me and our three kids want to stay in the family home which is close to all our friends and their schools. In order to buy him out, however, I will have to give him most of my savings and the buy to let that was to provide my pension and is currently my sole regular income (he left home after I'd cared for him full time for three years following a serious life-changing illness and I've been full-time sole carer for the children since (no family nearby). I have part-time work but am mainly surviving on child tax credit). He is now living separately in a house in his name just down the road, with lots of support and sympathy from mutual friends and neighbours.

After several traumatic years and many suicide attempts, he is happy to be alive, living day to day, and in love with someone else. I am trying not to feel aggrieved at having given so much to him (we were together happily for over 20 years) and now being left with no partner, income or security, apart from the house, and facing 15 years until retirement age in which I have to bring up the children alone and somehow earn enough to get myself a pension too.

This feel especially hard since he already owns a property outright, has his own substantial savings and pension, although he is on disability benefit (hence the £5 a week maximum maintenance I would be able to sue for) his parents regularly subside him and will make sure he is well provided for later. Plus he says he is now in love with someone else.

I can't see how I would ever meet or trust someone again, when the children and work will take all my energy. I am thinking of retraining but god knows what as!

The only upside I can currently think of is that at least he has left me (I would have felt too guilty to be able to leave him) and this way I will not have to care for him into old age, as he has become a bit of a selfish cantankerous bastard. Also that I will at least have a house, and the children. But it is daunting.

Please don't flame me, or be self righteous, because I can't feel any worse about this.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 24/10/2018 10:44

Seek legal advice.
50/50 is a starting point.
I would go for everything.
If he has property and savings, I’d go after them.
Your main sim should be security for you and your kids.

AlphaBravo · 24/10/2018 10:46

£5 a week maintenance? He can piss off.

With three kids I'd be taking in to account the maintenance he'll have to pay for the next 18yrs including inflation, and deducting that from any 'assets' he wants. Then tell him to do one. What a selfish arse to want a 50/50 split if you're the main carer for your children.

If he insists on it, then insist he has the kids exactly 50% of the time and does 50% of the leg work of looking after them and get your own life back like he has.

honeysucklejasmine · 24/10/2018 10:46

Just cause that's what he wants, doesn't mean he'll get it. Have you got a solicitor?

AlphaBravo · 24/10/2018 10:47

Take him for everything OP. And stay raging underneath a calm surface to keep you motivated.

VictoriaBun · 24/10/2018 10:48

Yes another one that says you need to start off at 50/50 of all assets which includes houses,savings,pension expectation etc.

TheViceOfReason · 24/10/2018 10:49

But you'd be entitled to a portion of "his" savings / pension? You need to go and see a solicitor.

StormTreader · 24/10/2018 10:49

Get yourself a solicitor who has had experience in getting a good deal for the woman+kids side of separations, and watch him sob into his cornflakes when he finds out exactly how much more you can realistically expect to get.

Fairylea · 24/10/2018 10:49

Don’t settle for less than what you’re entitled to. Get a solicitor and get everything you can. I can’t stress to you how important this is - I’m 15 years on from this and wish I’d pushed for more.

Justanothernameonthepage · 24/10/2018 10:50

Don't agree to anything without seeking legal advice. Get a rough idea of all properties value from seeing what local similar places sold for recently. Include any properties he owns.
Also see if you have any idea of both pension pots and if you left your job to become full time carer ensure you ask for that to be taken into consideration.
If you have any evidence of his private income/savings, use that too. And start from the position of expecting 50/50 custody. That will help with retraining plans and getting your life to a point where you have spare bandwidth to focus on your own happiness.

Thebluedog · 24/10/2018 10:50

As someone else said, 50:50 is the starting point and seek good legal advice. If you are the sole carer for your dc etc then I’d be v surprised if you got only 50%. All the houses inc the one he’s in at the moment will be classed as marital assets

GabriellaMontez · 24/10/2018 10:50

Get a lawyer. It will be expensive but will pay for itself a hundred times over.

50/50 doesn't sound like a fair split in this.

Look after yourself and your children. It doesn't sound like he will offer any practical or financial support in the future.

letsdolunch321 · 24/10/2018 10:51

Get a good family/divorce solicitor. Look at ones that do an hours free consultation.

GabriellaMontez · 24/10/2018 10:53

You realise the house down the road in his name is part of your marital assets?? He may have to buy you out to keep it.

Piffle11 · 24/10/2018 10:54

Think of your anger as the price you've had to pay to be rid of him. It's infuriating that it looks as though he's 'turned the corner' mentally after all your care and support, only to decide he's off to start a life without you. The best thing you can do is get legal advice NOW and start making sure you get everything you and the DC are entitled to. Yes it's daunting, but it's doable. I've been in a similar position - although we didn't have DC - and I let him get away with more than I should, just to have done with it and keep things amicable … wish I'd stood up for myself more. You're stronger than you think - look what you have had to deal with over the years - so put yourself and DC first for a change.

raspberrylipbalm · 24/10/2018 10:54

Please OP get legal advice. As other posters have said, 50/50 is a starting point. The courts will put the children first in this scenario, and the key thing is to ensure they have a home and security. And you deserve that too.

MortyVicar · 24/10/2018 10:55

Did he buy the house before or after he left?

If it was before it's a marital asset and you're entitled to a share in it just as much as he's entitled to a share of the house you live in.

If it was after, then the divorce court will take that into account in dividing the property (eg he's bought a property but is claiming he can only pay you £5 a week?)

The important thing is to make sure that you divorce him, rather than just living separately and trying to come to an agreement informally between you. That way it's decided by an outside party and is legally enforceable. It's obvious from what you've written that if it's only between the two of you he's going to try every which way to make sure he comes out of it having lost nothing while you struggle.

ShawshanksRedemption · 24/10/2018 10:56

Wouldn't a 50/50 asset split also include "owns a property outright, has his own substantial savings and pension"?

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 10:57

How old are you kids op?

Fifty fifty means everything in the pot, inc his income and house.

Awaytome · 24/10/2018 10:59

You have a right to half of the house he owns and half of his savings and pension. Get a solicitor and don't be silly.

Angrybird345 · 24/10/2018 10:59

See a solicitor!

Awaytome · 24/10/2018 11:00

I'm assuming you're 50 if you're 15 years to retirement. Are the children not reared?

RedDrink · 24/10/2018 11:05

She probably had children later in life, my cousin had a baby at 44.

Get a better more aggressive solicitor, you should be getting more than he's offering.

BewareOfDragons · 24/10/2018 11:10

Get a solicitor.

He's taking the piss.

And he should truly want better for you and his children after everything you have done for him.

MH issues don't give people the right to be arseholes ...

sofato5miles · 24/10/2018 11:13

is 50% of the house valued the same as his pensions/ house etc?

When it comes to lawyers i would go for reassuringly expensive, at least for the first chat.

And PP with the 'children reared' comment, what a side, unhelpful post.

MaiaRindell · 24/10/2018 11:14

The 5/50 split would also involve your savings and your buy to let property as well as the family home and his current house, if it was bought before you split. What a selfish man, OP.